Wrote my mom to tell her about her alcoholism
 

Hi all,

So, I wrote an email to my mom telling her that I never come around, or talk to her very much, because I've realized that through much of my life, her drinking has had a very negative impact on me, and since she continues drinking to this day, I don't feel comfortable around her.

After I wrote this letter, it occurred to me that I should post on here that I sent it. I feel a little funny posting the actual text of the email right here, so I won't for the moment. If I get some requests, though, I will -- so let me know.

What's great is that, after I sent this email, it was the end of a long road of discovery. It's like finally confirming now that, yes, my mom (really, both parents) drank, and that drinking is the cause of several issues I'm working on to this day.

My mom's response didn't address the drinking. Instead, she became very defensive, and started talking about her divorce (that happened like 8 years ago), and how hard it has been for her and how big a victim she is, etc. The themes were classics from her: Guilt and martyrdom. Since she wrote her response at 11:30, I knew that she'd had a bunch of drinks by that point.

Her email became condescending, demeaning, and abusive. Reading it, I was surprised to notice how similar it was to emails written by a "friend" I no longer talk to, and I realized so clearly that these codependency issues directly affected who I became friends with, and further affirmed my decision not to talk to this person any more.

I wrote back to my mom with the strength and resolve of a person who knows exactly why he's saying what he's saying, and why he feels the way he feels. I ended up telling her that she should let me know when she wants to actually talk about her drinking, and that until then, she wouldn't see me, my girlfriend, or any kids we may have. I also added that I'm tired of being the "punching bag for her martyr ********." :)

I hope this is inspirational or helpful in some way?? It just seemed like something I should share.

Yay!!! That is truly an inspiration. Good for you!

That must have been a hard email to write, but good for you. Hopefully your words will provide some incentive for your mom to at least examine her drinking habits. Stick to your plans and maybe she will come around. If not, at least she won't be dragging you and your girlfriend down with her b/s :chatter

I think we need to protect ourselves from the debilitating effects of being around active alcoholics in denial. I'm a big believer in self-preservation, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. Hoping she gets something out of your exchange, but mostly I hope it was cathartic for you.

There's this guy at one of my local Al Anon meetings who tells this really funny story about how when he started coming to Al Anon he got a ton of copies of the phamplet called 'Alcoholism, a merry go round called Denial' and posted them to all his family members.

I don't know what others have expereinced but despite my time in recovery my parents have never responded or become how I think 'they should be'.
For me, recovery started with forgiveness and that's a long process since there is alot to forgive!

Another person I know in Al Anon says she tells her kids, while her name maybe on 'their problems' the 'solutions' to these problems are labeled with their own names.

Take it easy on both of you.
I know how easy it is to be angry rather than hurt/sad.
:ghug3

GiveLove,

Thank you for validating what I'm doing. It gives me strength :)

Sometimes people who didn't experience what we went through will feel bad for the alcoholic, like we're being mean or harsh to them or something. So it's good to talk on here and have people get when I'm going through and support it.

And personally, I agree with you and my attitude is this: The person drinking is making a choice, and that choice has an extremely negative effect on the people around them. Especially once someone outright tells the alcoholic that their drinking has negatively affected their life, the onus is (as it always was) completely on the alcoholic. People call alcoholism a disease, but that doesn't relinquish them from responsibility, or make us responsible for fixing them. If they won't figure out how to fix it themselves, then they're making the choice to be disconnected from those that love them.

Of the Ten Commandments, I think the one I have the strongest feelings about is "Honor thy father and mother." I think this is an extremely idealistic commandment, and I'd go so far as to say it should be "Honor thy children." Having children is a responsibility; children aren't slaves, and they aren't less than total people because they're small. They're pure potential, and parents should constantly make sure that they're honoring the gift of being in charge of helping them into the world.

I'm with Sidney Poitier's character in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner when he says (as he's talking to his father): "You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another."

If you would be willing to share I would love to read your email and the response even if you don't post it here but would be willing to PM it to me. It sounds like we're dealing with many of the same internal issues and it would be great to see the response of a person trying to play the victim, deny there's an issue or pass blame onto you.

I've thought about writing something like that to my Dad -- but the problem is, he absolutely would not get it. Zero recognition of the effect he has on people -- he's a Superior Being™, so how could there be a problem?

Still, as an exercise for ourselves, it could be very healthy. Maybe I'll try writing my Dad a letter like that, and then just read it over and throw it in the shredder when I'm done! That would work just as well....

T

Bragi,
You made a big step, one that we all need to take with our parents. That took quite a lot of courage and resolve. Especially so as you held the line when your mother wrote back with a GGM (guided guilt missile) that for you deflected beautifully. You laid out the boundaries so very well - when she is ready to talk about her drinking.
I have seen too many people in my life, and some on this forum, state that they will not talk or meet with the alcoholic until they are sober and clean. That approach is a non-starter, and is underlain by the assumption that one can control the alcoholic and the alcoholism.
I hope you will stay firm for your sake and your family. You are showing great kindness to yourself, them and, believe it or not, your mother.

Many times I would write out everything I wanted to say to my mom concerning why I can't stand her.
I just never sent it to her. Why? Because even tho she's been in AA fo r30 years, sober, she wouldnt' understand one single word of it. She would feel that I am hurting her for no reason.
She wouldn't "get it".
It's pointless for me. It wouldnt' change anything.
Now, if she were still drinking, I wouldn't hesitate. But, once they stop drinking they like to pretend that nothing bad ever really happened.
It's tough.
I wonder what your mom's response to it is?

I suspect that my father, if he were still alive, would also have no reaction to a letter that reflected on his alcoholism. No anger, just no real reaction. I might as well have written the letter in sanskrit.
Jeeze, I don't want to discourage anyone from writing such a letter. It is definitely good for the soul, cathartic, even if it is not well received, or received with a shrug and a 'yeah, uh huh, mumble'.

Letters can be very touchy. They can be cathartic for the sender but traumatic for the recipient; cathartic for the sender but meaningless for the recipient; meaningless for the sender....... and on and on.

It is a big risk that a letter like this will burn all remaining bridges. It sounds like this was a risk Bragi was willing to take - the exercise was healing enough to risk the sending, and it doesn't sound like there were undue expectations of a specific outcome attached to it (i.e. "if I send this, she'll feel THIS") That never works out quite right.....

Wascally, I sure know how you feel about your mom :ghug

Bragi, that was a very courageous thing to do.
Not everybody would have a strength to do the same; I would just like to say, even if you did say all the right things to your mom, unfortunately it does not mean that she will do anything about it.
Are you really ready never to speak with her again?
I am asking because I had the same problem with my father.
I did not confronted him like you did confront your mother, but on many occasions we fought about his drinking problems, and it never led to anything.
He just kept drinking.
This year he died, and we were in a fight at the time. I never had the chance to say goodbye. Even though I know it is not my fault, I am sorry for that.
I guess I am just trying to say that one e-mail will not solve all your problems.
But, I guess you know that already :).
I wish you all the luck and may your mother has the strength to reed your letter with better understanding and maybe do something good with her life.