venusinlibra

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic mother. I'm in my 30's now and she is in her 60's. I primarily grew up with my grandparents, I have never had an addiction problem, but I am definitely a codie.

I go to Alanon and I'm trying to deal with my mother. She has never shown much interest in me and seems to go out of her way to be mean to me.

I am a responsible person, successful career, etc. but no matter what I do it doesn't seem good enough for her.

My issue, I haven't seen my mom in two years. I called her to tell her I was flying in town and I wanted to see her. I rented a hotel, etc. The minute I landed in the airport, she called me and said she was "too busy" to see me. She wasn't seeing anyone till after the New Year. She was sober when she called.

My mom is retired, never goes anywhere, etc. I was hurt and upset. I told her I just landed at the airport and it was ridiculous.

Anyhow, she has done this before. I'm at the point to wash my hands of her and stop trying to have a relationship with her. I feel guilty, I'm her daughter, and I would like to have a mom. My father is dead.

Has this happened to you? If so what should I do? Walk away? I seriously doubt she will ever get sober.

Thanks for listening.

GiveLove

Hi venus,

I'm sorry your mom turned out like this. It seems like, in your efforts to have a relationship with her, you are beating your head against a brick wall, because she doesn't seem to want to have a relationship with YOU. She seems bent on either hurting or ignoring you.

I know that I had to find that mother figure in my life in places other than my mother or stepmother. One was an addict then dead; one is still an addict and is a terrible person. I am no longer concerned with whether I have a relationship with the latter or not........my life and happiness are more important.

It took a long time to get here though. I had to talk this through with a counselor, figure out what I needed most from a mother, and find it in other places. It sounds impossible but it wasn't. I miss having the maternal relationship that many other women have, but at the same time I am not willing to compromise myself in order to keep pretending I have a mom.

I am happy. It is okay. I hope you can find a way to feel good about your choices rather than guilty. You can't force her to get sober OR to act like a responsible mother. All you can do is mind your own life & happiness.

Hugs,
GL

venusinlibra

I am grateful that I am a mom myself and I have a great relationship with my son. My mom has had the audacity to tell me she should have never had kids, or I'm not part of the family. I'm not sure if it's jealousy, if it's "drunk talk", or she's just a mean spiteful person.

I'm saddened that she would treat me this way but I guess I should be thankful I have the love of my son. Thanks for your kind words. I'm going to hit a Alanon meeting this weekend.

GiveLove

It's not you, venus. What kind of decent human being would say that she wishes she hadn't had kids (i.e., you) ? Is this the kind of person you want in your life anyway, influencing your son? Would you choose to be around her if she wasn't your mom?

If you love her, tell her so, then let her go. She sounds like an extremely unhappy person. Most unhappy people aren't comfortable unless they make others around them unhappy too. Don't let her.......you have so much life yet to live!!

venusinlibra

Yes, I agree. My trip home has been incredibly bizzare. I haven't been back since I started going to Alanon, who knows maybe she is threatened by that. My family is very weird, whenever they have a problem, or need money...they call me. Now, I'm in town, everyone is to busy. Most of them don't work, sit around, and get drunk all day.

I don't ask them to quit, I don't preach, I really just wanted to say hi. I thought I was at a point that I could love my mom for who she is and not what I want her to be. Now it seems, she is determined to destroy my "serenity." I was yesterday, today I'm going to enjoy the beautiful weather, go to my favorite places, get a massage, and close this chapter of my life.

I'm going to hit a meeting tonight for closure and I guess I will quit trying to force a relationship with my family. Thanks for your kind words.

dothi

It sounds like you're the stable member of the family. You've got a steady income, you're reliable, and you're willing to "fix" their problems. I'd guess that while your success is a "good" thing (e.g. I can always count on venusinlibra to bail me out), I think it's causing resentment that in spite of everything, you're doing well. While other family members cry "pity me - I can't even help myself", you've stood up, brushed yourself off, and continued on with your life (and without turning to drinking or some other fix to "cope"). Imagine how it forces your mom to admit that whining isn't enough of an excuse. Think about it. If she admitted how well you're really doing, then she'd have to admit what a baby she's being - and we can't have that, can we? Cause then the drinking might have to stop.

It's just so much easier to call you down, disrespect you, become convinced that you're not really all the great. You know, venusinlibra is f**ked up just like the rest of us. It may look like she's persevering but she's no better... and so on. The most important end point here: "I don't have to change."

So little of it is really about you, and so much of it is probably about your mom's denial and disappointment with her own life.

I know it's easier said than done, but GiveLove's got the right idea. Figure out what it is that you're looking for from your mom, then look for it elsewhere. It's not a fair deal (certainly being born isn't your fault), but that does NOT entitle you to bullying and abuse from someone who should love and protect you. I know seeking this kind of resolution won't fix your relationship with your mom, but look at it this way - as a healthy adult and mom yourself, you need to take care of yourself (including your sanity and emotional well being). If this person is toxic, then it's only your duty as an adult to protect yourself and restrict the toxic effects this person has on your life. At the very least, you deserve to believe that your mom's regrets are not your fault. She's an adult and she made decisions for which only she is responsible. Mom's choices = mom's fault (not yours).

I admire your willingness to help and support your family. I just hope it isn't at an unreasonable cost. You deserve to be loved and respected by people to whom you show love and respect. Being family doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like a doormat. Take care.

HealthyLimits

I always say there's no point in knocking on a door that the people inside are never going to open. Here's however what I think it does come down to. You have to live with whatever choice you make. You have to be the grownup, the adult and the only with a clear head and while that's sad, it's reality.

So knock on the door until you know it isn't going to be answered. You'll hear noise inside and get excited followed by being let down. Knock until your fingers bleed, you can recover from that. Just don't knock until all your left with are bloody stumps. That door may never open and you just have to be able to live with knowing you did everything you could that you were still able to recover from.

I wish you luck, that's a very sad situation but the fact is the world has two types of parents. The ones who take the hit for having a child and the ones who make there children take the hit. I'm a father, sometimes the last thing in the world I want to make choices based on is my kids but I chose to have them not the other way around so I will give them my life with a smile because the reason I was born is for them not for me and the reason they were born is for their children.