riaerif

I've been away for awhile, you know why? Because I'm too sure of myself and in control to need any more help.

HA!

And then it comes up and bites me in the rear again. I was so frikkin' enlightened all of what? A month ago?

But I'm sick of my mother right now. I'm sick of listening to her tell me how unfair life is treating her because she has a felony conviction now. I mean, she's in the medical profession and has done this numerous times! She takes the drugs that are supposed to be wasted and shoves it into her own veins.

She didn't even lose her job this one time she did it. Then she lost her jobs, but nobody ever reported her to the nursing board.

Then someone did and they did to the cops, too. She got treatment in lieu of conviction and had no record.

Now she does it AGAIN and she's convicted and waiting to be sentenced. They're probably going to give her probation.

I'm starting to think they should lock her up!

It's not that she did it again. I understand that part of it. I know it's a disease and everything, but she sits around complaining about how she's being treated so unfairly and I'm sick of it. She should be GRATEFUL she's been given a slap on the wrist over and over and over and over again.

Or maybe not.

Maybe her employers enabled her behavior and created a monster who thinks she's entitled to treatment above and beyond the confines of the law.

I'm supposed to write a letter for her to give to the judge before she's sentenced and I just can't do it.

I'm tired of crying and hating and being miserable. I bend over backward to do whatever I'm supposed to do so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of a family member who is losing it. But I don't get that back. She just whines and talks about how the world owes her something.

When is she going to stop seeing what's gone and realize that I'm still here. Her grandchildren are still here. She just doesn't care and I'm not strong enough for this.

I want out.

I want to take my family and leave and if she loses her house, so be it.

Now who's the monster?

Go ahead, I'm ready for it. Tell me I'm the worst daughter in the world and that I'm too needful of her affection and that I need to live my own life apart from hers and that it's my fault I'm entangled so deeply.

Maybe, but I've been looking for understanding from her since I was 5. So... what? Just because she's a screw up means I'm denied the love of a parent forever? Am I really never going to know what it feels like to have a parent love me so much she/he would do anything for me?

No? I didn't think so.

SlvrMag

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry I have no advice for you. Maybe somebody will come along soon with some advice.

dothi

Hey Ria. Two points.

(1) You are NOT a monster. You are NOT a terrible daughter. Rinse that brainwashing right back out from between your ears.

(2) Is that why you're doing all this work "helping" her - because you think it's going to earn you a real parent? Does your mom know you've made this deal with her?

The adult part of your brain is screaming not to write that letter for a reason - it can't take the denial anymore. It's trying to tell you that this is driving you insane; you're doing the same thing over and over again (helping her) but expecting a new and different result everytime. Maybe this time she'll recognize all that you've done for her and step up to the plate and be a mom - right? Do you really believe that's going to happen?

Have you ever accepted the idea that your mom may never realize you're here for her (in the sense you need her to)? That she may never care because she's so far gone in her addiction?

Yes, this is a crude reply, but I have a feeling you need to cry and unload some of the heavy pressure you've been under. It sounds like taking care of your mom is breaking you; I'm a complete stranger and I'm cringing at the self-loathing and misery in your post. You are NOT a bad person; so stop focussing on the one relationship that can't be fixed and look at the other ones around you - your kids and husband. Don't use the worst relationship in your life to define your self-worth. You are an extremely valuable person to these other people in your life - don't forget that!!

I hope tonight you find some time to sit down and take care of yourself, whether it be crying, zoning out, or curling up for a long deserved break from this drama. Post here as much as you need to... Sending a hug your way

HealthyLimits

When you're strong enough to show it to her. That doesn't mean she's going to accept it but if you're waiting for a light to go on in her head you may end up waiting forever.

Sounds like you really needed to vent. Sounds like you need to get a stronger sense of self and something healthy to give you a feeling of being empowered instead of feeling like you're always chasing and that still isn't enough.

If you need to sit down and take a break do it, if she falls deeper let her, that isn't your job and from what I read above it sounds like you're very much so helping her to make some poor choices. Stop supporting anything but her being sober and if she takes a fall don't soften the blow for her.

Latte

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.

My thoughts are with you.

riaerif

Thank you for all the kind and "keeping it real" replies.

dothi, when I first saw your post, I had to get off the computer and relax and then go to bed to think on things. What you said made so much sense and really put things in a totally different light for me. I think you're absolutely right regarding my motivations and that's a hard pill for me to swallow. But thank you SO much because, again, it helped me see why I was hurting so much.
I look at my children and I'm so happy and I love them so much and sometimes I wonder what about me wasn't enough to keep my father from drinking and splitting and my mom from starting on the road to addiction. I know in my head it's not my fault, but when I was younger, it was my reality.
And you're right about me not accepting that I may not have the mom I want. I just always hoped she was there somewhere past the addiction and that she'd be the mom I am pretty sure she used to be at some point in my childhood.
And thank you for the kick in the rear to appreciate the wonderful people in my life. My husband and children are great and they make me feel incredibly blessed every day.
As for my feelings about myself, my husband has been trying to help me with that, but I don't think he can. Somehow maybe I can figure out a way to fight myself as my biggest critic down the line.

HealthyLimits, how am I helping her to make poor decisions? I'm not asking because I'm being defensive. I just really want to know so I don't keep doing it.
I really did need to vent.
Today she came to me and told me she was really sorry about yesterday and I froze. I wanted to tell her it was okay, but it's really not and part of me really wanted to fall into that place where I think, "Yay! I have the mom I want!"
I just nodded and said, OK, and left it at that. Right now I don't trust myself to say anything else because I'm just not sure how to support her sobriety without bending over backward to make everything okay for her. I'm sure there's a way. I'm just not seeing it like I thought I was starting to.
Thank you for your words of reality in such a kind tone. It helped a lot.

SlvrMag, thank you for replying. Just knowing someone was sending me good thoughts helped.

latte, I'm trying very hard to figure out what 'comfortable' even feels like. hehe. I'm working on it and I'm going to try to work on seeing what I need to do okay and what my family needs. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

Freedom1990

One of the hardest things I've ever had to accept was that I will never have the mom that I want.

I have had to learn to nurture that child within me that didn't get a lot of what I needed, and it's so tough to get past that need for a mother's unconditional love.

:ghug2

guiab

riaerif,
Deciding what to do, or not do, in your situation is not easy. But keep in mind the part of a doctor's oath that says "First, do no harm". You should not put your well being, your mental heath, at risk if it is likely that your mother will not change her behavior (and it seems that may be the case).
I really hope that you get through this. Take good care.