GiveLove

As someone who grew up in an alcoholic household where money was always in short supply (though alcohol never was.....you do the math) I recently realized that I have some strange attitudes about money, and people who have it.

Money's something my parents always complained they didn't have enough of, and yet anyone who DID have enough was stuck-up, snotty, self-centered, etc.

I was raised to know that if I ever turned into one of THOSE people, I would be seen as an outsider. So I've spent much of my life with my own self-imposed glass ceiling, sabotaging myself whenever it looked like I was going to be able to live comfortably.

Am I alone in this? Is it the alcohol, the poverty mentality, or both? Anybody live through this and overcome it?

t.i.a.
GL

zendust

Yes, I identify with you.

There is a terrific book out there called "Money Drunk, Money Sober" by Julia Cameron. It is a quick read, but it identifies money "personalities" and offers a 90 day program of recovery. I just started it....again!

dothi

GiveLove, you're definitely not alone. I think it's an alcohol-driven poverty mentality. My parents (alcoholic dad, codependent mom) always complained about being poor. We lived in a house that my dad built, with an unfinished ceiling, unfinished floor, makeshift furniture, no doors on the bedrooms, etc. etc. etc. According to my dad, this was the "right" way to live (as it accommodated his lifestyle). Really, it was brainwashing to stop his own kids from noticing and/or complaining about the lifestyles of our friends (with more functional homes).

It all feeds into that denial cycle - "We're not poor [because of alcohol], it's just that all those other people [with money] are snobs." Add a little, "Aren't you glad we're not rich because otherwise we'd be shallow and petty like them?" "Rich families have worse problems than we do, because of money..." etc.

Last year was the first time I earned about the poverty line. I was working at a professional job for which I had to dress presentably. That was fodder for my family as they teased, "oh, look at how the working professional dresses." I've been labelled one of *those* snobs, just because I don't wear hand-me-down second-hand threadbare clothes anymore - especially to work! At one point a few years ago a friend of mine did all but shake me by the shoulders and demand I learn to spend more on myself. I really needed that, because I didn't know what I was worth. Over a few days she took me shopping and gave me tips as to how to build up my wardrobe. Because I choose to spend money on NOT alcohol but proper shoes, jackets, and clothes (proper = possibly brand new, not worn, not linty, actually fits), my dad can't relate to me. But that's okay, since I figure he just doesn't know how to be happy for his kids unless they're doing exactly what he thinks they should be doing.

Stop sabatoging yourself, GiveLove. Think back to your childhood and all those contradictory messages you got that convinced you that you weren't worthy enough to spend money on. Resent those messages, then turn it into a healthy spite. In spite of that "stay poor and at our level" rational, look at how well-balanced people treat themselves and decide to treat yourself that well. Emotionally you're already an outsider. Taking good care of yourself in all aspects of your life is what a responsible adult does - which is perfectly admirable, and something your family may simply lack to the skills to understand. What's more important to you on a day-to-day basis - how you are received everyday at work on a professional level, or how your family with whom you don't necessarily benefit from "impressing" perceives their impression of you?

DesertEyes

I'm with dothi on this. Dothi describe my own experience pretty closely.

Mike

GiveLove

Thanks, you guys. Very helpful stuff here!

utopia

i relate to all thats been said. the us and them mentality was in my family and in my own head too. also an inflated sense that all poor people viewd me this way and all rich people were this way....the more i learn that the difference is in how i think and my wealth or lack of it is directly linked to my self esteem and prudence. I've been mocked and teased at times but what I call the "poverty consciousness" or money is evil mentality is interesting now because it keeps u stuck...like the concept of the glass ceiling. its just another way my self will inflates my own self importance and ego by putting another human as less than me in some way. just another way to be a victim and not take responsibility for my current state of affairs. i used to get frustrated and that i was a failure at life when i began to let go of my poverty consciousness until i realised through education prayer and meditation and step work,,,that money was just a tool and that like most things i used to fear, i with the help of my HP was the ultimate choice maker with my thoughts and feelings as to where i wanted my life to go. im very different from the rag clad child i used to be telling the cruel affluent world to get ******...i now believe in abundance and so it comes to me. i continue to let go of the "us and them" mentality in this area as well as other areas of life and be HUMBLE, HONEST, OPEN and WILLING to learn...i cant remember a single person who jeered me, criticised my success or even advised that i had abandoned them have anything close to considering that they might not be 100% right....i may be wrong but my new way of thinking is working for me and bringing much more peace and getting my needs met and investing is a new thing to me recently that i look fwd to continuing.

dundon1961

Interesting topic. I came from an opposite extreme. My family of origin was upper middle class for our area. Rich in money yet baren in all other areas. I also have really strange attitudes about money. I can actually pinpoint exactly where they started. One day, about age 11, I went to get some school clothes by myself because no one would go with me. The clothier was a family friend so I was allowed to charge them. Not an extreme amount. But I got my hind end chewed for doing it. How dare I spend my father's hard earned money!! Since that day I have always had a very difficult time ever buying anything beyong the absolute basics for myself. I will always do whatever it takes to just get by. It has driven my long suffering wife nuts. I have to "ask" her permission to buy myself something. Not because of any controlling aspect on her account. I just need her to give me the ok to spend money on myself because I still have a really hard time doing it. Yet all this happened almost 40 years ago.

LaDita

Oh wow...you just wrote my own money story.
Yes, me and mom were poor. But when we had money, we had no problem finding ways to get rid of it FAST. It was feast or famine (more famine though) in our household. And the belief was that people who had money (and especially if they handled it well, god forbid), were stuck-up, selfish and had no compassion for those that didn't (because they weren't giving it away to us, of course).

Money problems are tied to low self-esteem and lack of self-discipline. My mom and I are no strangers to that. I have taken financial management skills classes at local community centers and found alot of encouragement in those.
I wish I could say I 'overcame' this bad habit, but right now my income is so limited that by the time I have taken care of my immediate needs, there's no money left to save.

This is a fabulous thread, thanks for posting. It reminds me to work on this this year!