LaTeeDa

My mom is the queen of denial. She is also a professional enabler to my little brother. My dad (the alcoholic) passed away when I was 12. My mother never spoke of him after the funeral. As a child, I was not allowed to go through a normal grieving process, because it was taboo. Like any unrecovered codependent, mom eventually found someone to devote her life to. Thankfully, I don’t believe my stepfather is an alcoholic, but he is quite chauvinistic and controlling.

Mom lives in a fantasy world where everything is okay. When my brother got arrested and sent to jail for beating his wife, mom hired him an attorney because he didn’t deserve to be punished. When the abused wife skipped town and bro was still in jail, mom and stepdad went to court and got legal custody of my neice and nephew. Now that my brother’s out of jail, he lives with them along with both his kids.

Whenever I talk to her, mom insists on telling me how great my brother is doing. (which I know isn’t true because when I talk to him all I hear is how the world is against him and if only he could find a good woman everything would be okay!) There is no real discussion about anything with her. It’s almost like having a “pretend” relationship. In fact, that’s pretty much how I’ve felt about her as long as I can remember. I have talked to her twice in the last year because of this. I just don’t want to play along in this superficial game.

My problem is, I would like to reach out to her. I think I either want a real relationship, or none at all. I can’t do the pretend one anymore. I don’t have any false expectations that I can get her to change, but I really believe she would like to have a relationship with me rather than none at all. And I would prefer that, too. I just don’t know how to go about breaking through the superficial ‘wall’ without sounding accusatory and putting her on the defensive. I know that would be counterproductive. Any ideas?

L

splendra

(((((LaTeeDa))))))

I had a very similar relationship with my mom until one day she woke up and realized she was in way over her head. The craziness has not ended for her but at least she is way more real about what is happening.

I went almost 10 years without seeing her an only talked on the phone to her occasionally.

One day I decided to start calling her everyday because she is getting older and I did not want her or me to pass with out having worked this out.

When I did start seeing her again I felt that the relationship was very superficial. I still cannot have a real relationship with my siblings which hurts a lot. My oldest brother gets violent with her which troubles me but at least he knows I will come kick his ass and have him thrown in jail if she happens to call me or I decide to go by for a visit and find him there.

At least mom doesn't try to BS me now and tell me how great everything is. These days I am on good terms with her and I am very glad that we have become friends and can lean on each other. I don't want her to have to face this stuff alone cause she has 3 crack addicts that will turn her inside out every chance they get and she needs to have some one in her family on her side who knows what is really going on.


Maybe try to think of something you could do for or with her that would give you joy and work out from that point with her. She probably does need you in her life she probably is being a little stubborn in admitting that it ain't easy dealing with your brother. Try to understand that she is doing what she feels is right even if you know that your brother is not doing right by her or his kids. If you remain open with her she may open up to you. Make haste to make peace cause no doubt love is there. She is your mom, she is not getting any younger, and you will feel better and I am sure she will too.

You might have to pretend a little going in still you can be yourself and try to find a little patience for your mom. The superficial stuff is just a protective shell you know that I know. I know you can crack that shell and melt her heart. I will say a prayer for you both. Take good care there girl.

GiveLove

My stepmother is/was the master enabler of my alcoholic/addict younger brother. He's doing well at this moment, but over the past few years she has been almost impossible to deal with, for the same reasons you mention. When he loses his high-paying job and is forced to sell posters door-to-door, he's "in the art business, isn't that exciting?" When the sheriff comes after him, she hides him, etc.

The only solutions that worked for me were these:

1) I had to set a boundary that I did NOT want to discuss my brother with her. It was uncomfortable setting it, but I made it clear that I would not communicate with her if she brought him up, and I'd end phone conversations etc. if she couldnt' respect that boundary

2) Like Splendra suggested, I found common ground, something that gave us both pleasure to talk about. That has changed over the years...right now it's cooking and the Food Network

You're walking a very fine line, but I think you see it clearly: You're saying that you want a relationship with her, but not with her as she IS, but rather with her as you'd LIKE her to be. She lives in her dream world...it's not your right to change that, nor is it your right to threaten her with no-contact if she doesn't change. If it's really important to your recovery NOT to communicate with her in her current state, that's another matter entirely. Soooo sticky, LTD. But if anyone has the compassion and balance to pull it off, it's you. Good luck with this.

LaTeeDa

You make a very good point, GL. I think I can have a relationship with her as she IS, but not if she cannot accept me as I AM. We obviously have differing opinions on my brother and his choices. I can respect that. I don't want to threaten her with no contact if she doesn't change. But, I will threaten no contact if she cannot accept me as I am, opinions and all. She has a right to do and believe whatever she does, but so do I. I guess the point of contention is that whenever we have a conversation about my brother it's like a "campaign speech" to get me to agree with her. I don't. Nothing wrong with that, but if she cannot accept that we disagree and continually trying to get me to change my mind, I have a problem with that. Best not to even talk about him in my mind. Then maybe we can find some common ground.

Also, thank you Splendra, for responding to my post. It's amazing to me that someone has (or had) the same dynamic with their mom. I actually hope my mom can come to admit that her life is hard and maybe I can be there for her. Who knows?

L

LaTeeDa

So, is this an issue of control, or boundaries? I know I must accept people as they are, then choose if I want them in my life--just as they are. So, by asking her to respect my right to have my own opinion, am I being controlling, or setting a boundary? It feels like a boundary, but then if she won't respect it, and I cut off contact, is that me trying to control her, or me trying to protect myself? And what am I protecting myself from? This is really a tough one. And, she knows exactly how to push my buttons. At least I am able to recognize that and not react emotionally like I would in the past.

I sent her an email this weekend that said I have my opinion about my brother, and she has hers. I respect her right to her own opinion, and expect the same respect from her. Given that, it's probably best not to have conversations about him. Talked to my sister last night and interestingly she has been corresponding with mom recently, too. Hmmmm. And, it turns out, we have both pretty much said the same things to her without even knowing it.

L

GiveLove

LTD,

If your mom were a stranger, or at the very least not related to you, would you be going through the same soul-searching about how/whether to include her in your life on a regular basis?

My situation's a bit different. I choose to drastically limit contact with both my stepmother (alcoholic, self-pitying, controlling, annoying, racist, hypchondriac) and my mother-in-law (racist, materialistic, meddling, irritating) because they disturb my recovery. I talk to each of them a few times a year on the phone; I visit in person perhaps once, sometimes not at all. I'm okay with all of that.

I tried setting boundaries, but realized that they were constitutionally unable to respect them. How do you ask someone to change their nature, for example, and not run their mouth non-stop, or treat others like dirt for being in a different race or social class? Sure, I can say, "Don't do that around me" but even if they're able to stuff it down for the sake of their "uptight daughter" the fact remains that I don't like wasting time being around people I don't like, and I don't like either of them.

As much as I'd like them to change and be more like me, it isn't likely to happen, and it's not my job to take their inventory. BUT that leaves the question: where do I strike a balance between no contact at all, and pretending everything's fine?

To answer one of your questions from my perspective, I'm protecting myself from the energy-sucking exposure to people who are intensely negative and controlling. I believe that, on a cellular level, and as it relates to personal stress, it's not healthy for me to expose myself to that very much, and so I carefully limit it, just like I avoid too much exposure to other toxins like radiation, cigarette smoke, alcohol, and politics I'm deadly serious about this. My family is a genetic cesspool of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and other disorders, and stress opens you up to the kind of immune system breaches that let these things into your life.

I think I have healthy reasons for wanting a relationship with these women, but I have to keep it very small and give myself lots of time to process and cleanse between exposures. I go into contact with them like I'd go into any high-stress situation: I gird my loins, try to be accepting of differences, be as detached as possible from outcomes, and plan to decompress afterwards. (Sometimes it takes days, and I have to reassess whether the goal -- maintaining civil ties -- was worth the time it took to return to balance. So far it's been okay, but I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.)

Just what I do. Your mileage may vary.

LaTeeDa

Nope. I can honestly say I wouldn't have anything at all to do with her if she wasn't my mom. And that makes me sad.

That's where I'm at, too. She lobbed the ball into my court by writing me a letter. I lobbed it back with a boundary attached. She lobbed it back with a guilt trip attached. I hit it right back with the same boundary. Now she is silent. It's almost amusing that she is "punishing" me with the silent treatment after I have nearly cut her out of my life.

Thankfully, she is 1200 miles away, so I am rarely around her. I was thinking we could have some kind of contact, but maybe the time is not right for that. Maybe it never will be........

I think that's why I have been distancing. I can't pretend everything's fine. It never has been and it's dishonest for me to act like it is. I realize that doesn't mean I have to impose my views on her, and she is welcome to live and behave how she chooses. Thus, the distance.

Man, oh man. This is the lesson I have learned. I was shocked at how this interaction knocked me off center. In this case, fear is healthy. I plan to be much more protective of myself in the future.

Thanks much,
L

P.S. I forgot to say that your remark about "being in the art business" cracked me up. When my brother was washing cars for a living, he was an "auto detailing specialist," lol.

GiveLove

Auto detailing specialist....that's good too I've often wondered what a pimp would be. "Human resources procurement specialist" ?

Sometimes their delusions are their outer layer of skin. Your mother seems to be holding tight to the delusion that your brother will prove to be a good person after all, validating her as a mother in some sick way. Mine did the same...and I am remembering all the time & energy I wasted trying to point out a different reality, a reality she was unwilling and unable to see. I'm still deconstructing my motivations for trying to do that...

A wise friend used to scold me for complaining about it. Gently of course. She would say, "You have so much, GL, and she has so little." And I never knew what she meant until recently.

There's a bit in Heinlein's "The Notebooks of Lazarus Long" (a great collection of wisdom) that mentions meeting a lizard who insists that he's a dinosaur on his mother's side. Sometimes, delusions are all someone has, and they're too set in their ways to change. Strip them off and they are naked and raw.

Protect YOU, LTD. Let her have her "we" statements, her delusions, and her poor suffering mother act. Maybe it's all she's really got.