I am afraid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
I am afraid
I am afraid of the unknown, of finding out that I have been living a lie.
I'm afraid of the pain I will have to face and the embarrassment that will follow when I find myself crying in front of complete strangers that might recognize me on the streets at a later date.
I'm afraid to let go of the pain that has driven me all these years
I'm afraid to be betrayed, again
I'm afraid to be seen anything less than a man.
My weekend revalation has been a rude awakening for me and I am experiencing a wide range of emotions and guilt.
I have not left the house in 4 days and tears begin whenever I research ACoA. You have to understand that I haven't cried in 20 yrs and now I've shed tears everyday, I afraid the dam will break and 40 yrs of anger, rage and hurt will come puring out.
I know I'm depressed, I'm battling the urge to call her and tell her I want the woman I fell in love with, but I know that can't happen. I know in my heart she is poison to me and my well being.
I used to be so good at shutting my feelings off, why can't I do it now?
What is it about discovering that I am a Adult Child that has me by the throat and won't let go ?
I don't understand why I am afraid to let it go... I feel like such a feak'n child.
I'm sorry
I'm afraid of the pain I will have to face and the embarrassment that will follow when I find myself crying in front of complete strangers that might recognize me on the streets at a later date.
I'm afraid to let go of the pain that has driven me all these years
I'm afraid to be betrayed, again
I'm afraid to be seen anything less than a man.
My weekend revalation has been a rude awakening for me and I am experiencing a wide range of emotions and guilt.
I have not left the house in 4 days and tears begin whenever I research ACoA. You have to understand that I haven't cried in 20 yrs and now I've shed tears everyday, I afraid the dam will break and 40 yrs of anger, rage and hurt will come puring out.
I know I'm depressed, I'm battling the urge to call her and tell her I want the woman I fell in love with, but I know that can't happen. I know in my heart she is poison to me and my well being.
I used to be so good at shutting my feelings off, why can't I do it now?
What is it about discovering that I am a Adult Child that has me by the throat and won't let go ?
I don't understand why I am afraid to let it go... I feel like such a feak'n child.
I'm sorry
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Don't ever apologize for feeling your emotions. Many of us have learned to shut off the emotional valve for a long time and then something happens and the dam breaks open.
If you're worried about others at meetings seeing you on the street, just remember, they're there too! Most everyone at meetings respects each others privacy because they want there's respected as well.
In my opinion, one of the many Blessings of SR is the ability for those who have a hard time opening up the opportunity to share in an anonymous way that helps build strength to do it in person. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing and remember, we're here for you. And the only thing we want in return is for you to gain your peace of mind and serenity.
God Bless,
Judy
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Take it easy and be kind to yourself.
I had a similar thing happen with me last year and I tell you I thought the pain would last forever. I still from time to time have little fits of it too.
When it first started happening I thought it was closely linked to a relationship that ended but these days, while the relationship may have been the trigger, I think it was about how I had spent my entire adult life avoiding the pain I expereinced as a child and a teenager, and last year I had no where else or nothing else to run too - so I had to feel it.
The other day I was thinking it is a bit like slamming on the brakes (when you're driving) and everything sitting on the backseat flies forward and hits you in the head.
In my head I understood I'd had a pretty crazy upbringing but I don't think it had ever connected in my heart. I felt like I went through some kind of reconnection with my childhood and was reminded of how crap and worthless I felt as a kid and what I did to avoid feeling this way, and I could see how I'd continued doing/taking some of these actions as an adult.
It's hard. It's still hard for me at times. But either yesterday or today, I read this little thing in Al Anons Hope For Today - You maybe more loveable than anyone has ever told you, you are.
:ghug
I had a similar thing happen with me last year and I tell you I thought the pain would last forever. I still from time to time have little fits of it too.
When it first started happening I thought it was closely linked to a relationship that ended but these days, while the relationship may have been the trigger, I think it was about how I had spent my entire adult life avoiding the pain I expereinced as a child and a teenager, and last year I had no where else or nothing else to run too - so I had to feel it.
The other day I was thinking it is a bit like slamming on the brakes (when you're driving) and everything sitting on the backseat flies forward and hits you in the head.
In my head I understood I'd had a pretty crazy upbringing but I don't think it had ever connected in my heart. I felt like I went through some kind of reconnection with my childhood and was reminded of how crap and worthless I felt as a kid and what I did to avoid feeling this way, and I could see how I'd continued doing/taking some of these actions as an adult.
It's hard. It's still hard for me at times. But either yesterday or today, I read this little thing in Al Anons Hope For Today - You maybe more loveable than anyone has ever told you, you are.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Tropical Island
Posts: 76
I am the adult child of alcoholic parents and Iam a master of emotional disguise. A technique I learned very early in life. Anecessary survival skill at the time when parents are screaming at each other and laying siege to the house furniture and God has no time for the desperate prayers of a frightened six year old. I call out to the darkness and escape into glorious numbness.
Disappointments in life only encouraged my belief that people were not to be trusted so i never really knew how to turn my "numbness field" off.
Still, the numbness never really took away the shadow of dread that i always felt hanging over me. I had a recurring nightmare that i was standing on the edge of an ocean cliff looking down into the dark water and the shadows of enormous unnamed creatures swimming just below the surface. I always had the sensation that i was about to fall in but I always woke up.
i had some pretty f**ked up things done to me when i was young. learning to say them out loud and admit them for the first time was some painful sh*t.
i cried for days. i started crying at a Christmas dinner one time and couldn't stop.
The sensations you are feeling now will pass as you purge yourself of all the pent up emotions.
Disappointments in life only encouraged my belief that people were not to be trusted so i never really knew how to turn my "numbness field" off.
Still, the numbness never really took away the shadow of dread that i always felt hanging over me. I had a recurring nightmare that i was standing on the edge of an ocean cliff looking down into the dark water and the shadows of enormous unnamed creatures swimming just below the surface. I always had the sensation that i was about to fall in but I always woke up.
i had some pretty f**ked up things done to me when i was young. learning to say them out loud and admit them for the first time was some painful sh*t.
i cried for days. i started crying at a Christmas dinner one time and couldn't stop.
The sensations you are feeling now will pass as you purge yourself of all the pent up emotions.
Misanthrope
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 92
I too just stepped back to find out that my life has been pretty much one giant farce, what triggered it for me was that my father died and I wasn't at all upset in any way and that I cried for my friend's father and not for mine. Crying all the time is a real bitch, I feel like sobbing all the time, often at work. I really don't want to have to rely on other people to put up with me or defend me more than any other regular person. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I suppose you've had a bad relationship with someone yourself, i've been thinking about my own lately (in addition to any and every other skeleton in my closet...) even though I havn't seen the guy in years and probably never will again and will never know what really happened. Anyway, I understand what you're going through and I hope things get better for you, unfortunately i've got no real advice on this subject yet since i'm fairly new to this myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there Awakening 
I dunno about you, but for me it was the fact that I had found the _truth_. All my life I had been faking my feeling, pretending that I had it all together while secretely terrified that I might be insane. The _truth_ is that I was _not_ insane. I was _wounded_. Much like a war veteran with PTSD I was simply _injured_. The truth is that there is _nothing_ wrong with me. In fact, the pain that I feel as a result of my childhood is evidence that I am _normal_, that I react to harm the way humans are _supposed_ to.
I don't have to be afraid of my past anymore. I am free from the "brainwashing" that was forced upon me.
Not around us you don't have to say that. It takes _real_ courage to admit pain, and injury. And even greater courage to stand up, heal ourselves, and get back to the business of life. The people in this forum are the bravest heroes you will ever meet. They were tortured mentally, emotionally or physically as _children_, and they not only survived that, they have _overcome_ that.
You are one of us, Awakening, and you don't ever have to apologize for being one of us. It is an honor and a blessing to welcome you to our corner of recovery.
Mike
Originally Posted by rudeawakening 
... What is it about discovering that I am a Adult Child that has me by the throat and won't let go ?....
I don't have to be afraid of my past anymore. I am free from the "brainwashing" that was forced upon me.
Originally Posted by rudeawakening
... I'm sorry....
You are one of us, Awakening, and you don't ever have to apologize for being one of us. It is an honor and a blessing to welcome you to our corner of recovery.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Earth School
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by rudeawakening
I am afraid of the unknown, of finding out that I have been living a lie. I'm afraid of the pain I will have to face...
I'm afraid to let go of the pain that has driven me all these years. I'm afraid to be seen anything less than a man.... I know I'm depressed.....I used to be so good at shutting my feelings off, why can't I do it now?
I'm sorry
I'm afraid to let go of the pain that has driven me all these years. I'm afraid to be seen anything less than a man.... I know I'm depressed.....I used to be so good at shutting my feelings off, why can't I do it now?
I'm sorry
I know this pain. When I used to go to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), we would read the Steps, Traditions and CoDA Affirmations. One of the affirmations was: "The pain that I might feel by remembering can’t be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and not remembering."
When we wake up to the reality of it all, it is like thawing out. Years of stuffing feelings. Yes, it hurts but this hurt won't last forever. There's an end to this pain rather than going through life with your head stuck in the sand doing the same thing over and over and over. You WILL get better, if you want to.
Are you going to meetings and/or therapy? You might want one on one help to get you through this huge bump; especially since you say you're depressed.
As far as being seen as a man, it takes alot of courage to face these issues. Recovery isn't for sissies and you're facing them. I'd say that is a pretty strong straight.
Puleese get some help outside SR - keep posting here yet, if you stay inside for days upon days, your head will lie to you. :chatter
You can do this!
ScorpioGirl -
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Earth School
Posts: 137
Characteristics of CoDependents
Typical Characteristics of Co-Dependents
1. We assume responsibility for others feelings and/or behaviors.
2. We feel overly responsible for others feelings and/or behaviors.
3. We have difficulty identifying feeling.
4. We have difficulty expressing feelings.
5. We tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to our feelings.
6. We have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.
7. We are afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
8. We are perfectionistic and place too many expectations on ourselves and
others.
9. We have difficulty making decisions.
10. We tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how we feel.
11. Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how we
respond/react.
12. We tend to put other people’s wants and needs first.
13 Our fear of others feelings (anger) determines what we say and do.
14. We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant
15. We value others opinions more than our own.
16. Our self-esteem is bolstered by outer-other influences. We cannot
acknowledge good things about ourselves.
17. Our serenity and mental attention is determined by how others are feeling
and/or behaving.
18. We tend to judge everything we do, think or say harshly - by someone
else’s standards. Nothing is done, said or thought “good enough”.
19. We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is
both okay and normal.
20. We do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family;
or that feelings just are – and it is better to share them then to deny,
minimize or justify them.
21. We tend to put other people’s wants and needs before our own.
22. We are steadfastly loyal, even when the loyalty is unjustified and often
even personally harmful.
23. We have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
1. We assume responsibility for others feelings and/or behaviors.
2. We feel overly responsible for others feelings and/or behaviors.
3. We have difficulty identifying feeling.
4. We have difficulty expressing feelings.
5. We tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to our feelings.
6. We have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.
7. We are afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
8. We are perfectionistic and place too many expectations on ourselves and
others.
9. We have difficulty making decisions.
10. We tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how we feel.
11. Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how we
respond/react.
12. We tend to put other people’s wants and needs first.
13 Our fear of others feelings (anger) determines what we say and do.
14. We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant
15. We value others opinions more than our own.
16. Our self-esteem is bolstered by outer-other influences. We cannot
acknowledge good things about ourselves.
17. Our serenity and mental attention is determined by how others are feeling
and/or behaving.
18. We tend to judge everything we do, think or say harshly - by someone
else’s standards. Nothing is done, said or thought “good enough”.
19. We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is
both okay and normal.
20. We do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family;
or that feelings just are – and it is better to share them then to deny,
minimize or justify them.
21. We tend to put other people’s wants and needs before our own.
22. We are steadfastly loyal, even when the loyalty is unjustified and often
even personally harmful.
23. We have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
Just a update, I forced myself out the house today and went out to eat at one of my favorite places after to talking to a friend that is a proven recovering A. I know he is proven and straight up. He understood what I was going threw and strongly suggested that I go to Alanon, actually threatened to 
me. LOL
I actually feel better tonight, I'm taking back control and I plan to go tomorrow to a meeting. I don't know what to expect, but its time I quite this pitty party and man up and take control of my life again now I see what I have to do. Hopefully I can really put things in prospective and end to this cycle once and for all.
:ghug3
me. LOLI actually feel better tonight, I'm taking back control and I plan to go tomorrow to a meeting. I don't know what to expect, but its time I quite this pitty party and man up and take control of my life again now I see what I have to do. Hopefully I can really put things in prospective and end to this cycle once and for all.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I wanted to reply to this when you first posted it, but couldn't find quite the right words to say what I wanted to say. Actually, I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to say. Then Mike came along and said it all far better than I could.
So this is another of those "me too" posts, except that I will add that I am posting it because the more voices you hear in the silence, the easier it is to truly believe that you are not alone or crazy.
And you are not alone, nor are you crazy. Count me as one more voice in the darkness calling you towards peace.
So this is another of those "me too" posts, except that I will add that I am posting it because the more voices you hear in the silence, the easier it is to truly believe that you are not alone or crazy.
And you are not alone, nor are you crazy. Count me as one more voice in the darkness calling you towards peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Awakening,
I once holed up in a hotel room for four days with my dog, sobbing in between ordering room service for both of us.
After I left there, I felt weak, shaky, but cleaner, like a fragile canvas on which I was ready to paint a new life.
Martha Beck says it's like the pain of thawing a frozen limb - bringing feeling back can hurt like hell.
It may seem so overwhelming at times, but really we heal in the same way we'd eat an elephant - one small bite at a time. There will be days when you feel like you've put it behind you once and for all. There will be others when you find yet another sneaky monster in the corner, and you're frustrated. So be it. All part of the trip you're taking, to understand where you came from and use it to build the life you want.
SO glad you're out, and your friend has the skillet ready
Smiling at you,
GL
I once holed up in a hotel room for four days with my dog, sobbing in between ordering room service for both of us.
After I left there, I felt weak, shaky, but cleaner, like a fragile canvas on which I was ready to paint a new life.
Martha Beck says it's like the pain of thawing a frozen limb - bringing feeling back can hurt like hell.
It may seem so overwhelming at times, but really we heal in the same way we'd eat an elephant - one small bite at a time. There will be days when you feel like you've put it behind you once and for all. There will be others when you find yet another sneaky monster in the corner, and you're frustrated. So be it. All part of the trip you're taking, to understand where you came from and use it to build the life you want.
SO glad you're out, and your friend has the skillet ready
Smiling at you,
GL
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
but its time I quite this pitty party and man up and take control of my life again
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
(((love))) and so muchsupport to you in my prayers and thoughts right now. i relate it can feel so hard sometimes. sometimes i just want to lay down and die but to get through this pain your higher power and recovery ppl are here. cheering you on because weve been there too and sometimes we still feel these feelings. i just want to say i hear your pain and i still think of you as a beautiful person trying to live their life. bless you and may peace find you and lift your life to a better place. xx
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