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newbie with questions

Old 08-25-2008, 07:02 PM
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newbie with questions

I am not sure if my mom is considered a true "alcoholic" but maybe you guys can tell me that for sure. My parents both drank every weekend from the time I was 5-13 years old. During part of this time they also were using cocaine. They quit both cold turkey, but slowly started drinking again when I was about 17. that was 14 years ago. In the past few years it has gotten bad and to the point that she has fallen drunk down and bruised her face and leg, in the hospital for overdosing on zoloft, running through a corn field at night behind her house drunk with no shoes, driving in a snow storm at night in flip flops about 20 miles away from her house to another relative. These things do not happen every weekend when her and my dad drink, but seems she takes things to this extreme when she stressed. At those times, she is bawling and leaving my dad to move to another state. By the next day, after promising "she is never drinking again", she acts like nothing ever happened, when you try to discuss it with her, it is just like you owed her the horrendous night of listening to her bawl and be irrational. She isn't even thankful that you took care of her. I was so embarrassed when she overdosed on zoloft because I took her to the emergency room, she was loud, and continuously "wanted to go smoke". She smelled and looked awful. I feel guilty, but I was embarrassed. I have two autistic children, one who is severly mental impaired, function at an age of a 18 month old in a 13 year old body. I can not parent my parents when I need support and I already have all I can handle with my two kids.
Now, my brother who is younger has been charged after stealing two of my husband's credit cards. He racked up over 8,000.00 in all. My mom, who is my brother's enabler and she bails him out of everything. After reading the scapegoat article, I truly know who I am in the family. I want to completely cut her out of my life. After reading over the charateristics of children of alcoholics I see both me and my brother. I always thought it was a cop out when people used the "because of my childhood" excuse when they did something, but I truly see how my childhood has effected my life and what type of person I am. I have talked with my brother and he has explained his feelings and some of the reason he is in the situation he is goes back to my parents. I really believe that. He told me buying things made him feel accepted by others and happy. It became like an addiction for him. My parents both had one parent who was an alcoholic. So if they are functioning through the week and drink the majority of the time just on weekends does that make them alcoholics, even if my mom doesn't have her little episodes every weekend??? My dad is non communitive and can be brash and cocky, I do get along better with my dad. I hold alot of resent toward my mom, while my brother holds it toward my dad. Am I doing more harm than good if I tell my mom I don't want to be around her anymore, and that I can't stand her favortism of my brother and her drinking anymore. I just want to live a non chaotic life. I don't feel like she can be the mother I need. Am I driving her to drink more if I cut her out of my life, but am I enabling her if I stick around her?? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks

Jennifer
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Old 08-25-2008, 07:40 PM
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You have a full plate. I'm sorry your circumstances brought you here, but I am glad you had the stength and bravery to reach out for help. You have found a wonderful place full of experience, strength, and hope. Have you ever been to Alanon? That has saved my sanity and taught me a new way to live...Please read the stickies at the top of the pages and go to the friends and family page as well.

There are many people that understand your situation and how hard it is. You didn't cause this, can't control it, and certainly can't cure it.

What is it that you want?
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Old 08-26-2008, 07:05 AM
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Am I driving her to drink more if I cut her out of my life, but am I enabling her if I stick around her??
Taking someone to the emergency room when they've seriously injured themselves (via drugs or physical trauma) is not enabling.

Telling your mother that you do not want this chaos in her life will not make her drink. She's already drinking. And she will most likely continue to drink. You do not hold the bottle to her mouth and force it down her, it is her choice to make.

If you decide to go no contact with your mom, how she handles it is her issue. You are not responsible for the actions or reactions of other adults (not including people with developmental disabilities).

The "three C's" of recovery are the following: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your mom bears full responsibility for that. Obviously, if she needs medical assistance, that is required. But the rest of the time? That is not your responsibility. If she chooses (because it is a choice) to drink herself to death (be it death by alcohol poisoning or death by hypothermia), that is her choice.

I'm glad you found this forum, feel free to post with whatever questions you have. It is, indeed, difficult to wrap one's mind around foreign concepts, including the idea that "because of my childhood" I do this or act that way. The good thing is that, like your mother, you have choices you can make as well. And better yet, you are looking at things and questioning them, and wondering what would be best for you and your family.
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