The relationship's over
 

I don't know how this fits in with classic Al-Anon advice, but I feel I have come to a point with my parents where the essential heart of the relationship has died and now I want to suspend contact with them (I live a good 4 hours away).

When they chose to accuse me of all sorts of things (being a terrible daughter, lying) etc, and dismiss my feelings, when I challenged them about my mother's addictions, I think at that moment for me, something broke.

Their surprisingly vicious, defensive response has continued for 8 months and eventually it became so painful that I had to detach greatly from them in order to stop myself falling into a long term depression. I no longer feel as though I have parents. I feel as if they have died.

They have not given up attacking me to try and get me to 'shut up and put up' and at last, they wrote me a letter saying the relationship was untenable because I told them some of the nasty things my mother had said about my toddler while she was drunk. They accused me of lying about this, and not caring about or loving her.

I don't know.... can anyone else relate? Has anyone else just walked away to protect yourself? What happened?

In my heart of hearts I am hoping that at some point the broken relationship might be sufficient incentive for her to want to quit her drug and alcohol abuse, but I am aware this may never happen. Even so, I just don't want to be hanging around an addict - it's too painful and I don't see why I should put up with it!

Howatch,

I separated myself from my parents for nearly a decade because of their treatment of me, so I absolutely understand why you had to make the decision you did.

I went on to slowly build a "family of choice," people who I loved and liked and respected, and who felt the same about me. It's a slow process, but is so much more rewarding than beating my head against that brick wall of my parents' denial.

I was far happier without them in my life than with them in it. It's only society that shakes its finger at you and says you're supposed to be heartbroken if you don't have a great relationship with your parents. That noble philosophy never takes into account the sickening damage that toxic, abusive, addicted parents can do to us.

More power to you and your children.