utopia

hey. i couldnt care less right now so **** this. it has to come out somewhere.

i was overcome with a real rage today and i just dont want to talk to recovery ppl anyone. i hate the ppl in my church right now and for no reason but in my head i just see them sitting there in their little FAKE world acting so fuckkin pious but they would reject me as soon as they knew the way that i feel love for men, that i think and act differently than them. i see people buying wedding cakes and taking their family walks and the illusion of all of it overhwhelms me. buries me. breaks me and i feel an urge to lash out and kill overtake me. i retreat into binging and this couple push in front of me at the fast food store and it takes all of me to not smash her head into the counter and attack him screaming. AAAARGH. injustice.......i feel all of their eyes looking at me. i feel so alone. i still feel like a victim in this city. feel abandoned by my family who arent sorry enough. and why should they be. yes i am valuable but i feel enraged inside. i feel so much murderous anger that i t becomes impossible to differentiate between any slight or glance my way with whats gone down in the past. thIs is how i deal with rape. r u happy? this is how i deal with it. im not you so dont tell me to be ******* grateful and that this is gods marvellous ******* plan for my life. get ******.:codiepolice

Peter

I don't like anyone telling me about God's plans for my life either because the truth is you don't have a freakin clue what God's plans are for me.

I don't go to church. It disturbs my serenity.

GiveLove

Sorry it hurts so much that you want to kill people who haven't done anything to you.

For many years I took out my anger on everyone but the ones who hurt me in the first place.

And my drinking didn't help.

I don't go to church either. Most of them wouldn't approve of me, and I have my own relationship with God that's exactly none of their business (shrug)

Love to you, utopia. Hoping you find a way through this.

GingerM

I haven't had my coffee yet, so I have nothing really to add, except that right now it seems like you could use some support, and I'm giving you as much as I can from where I sit right now.

Those who claim this is God's plan for you seem to believe they have a direct line to God and know his every thought. That seems like the kind of person I would give a mile wide berth to.

utopia

agh, thanks peeps. yes was feelin the rage.....i called the police this morning and they have assigned a detective to me for the current legal case against my father for childhood rape. yes. the tension has lessened. the rage subsides when i lay the hurt against the cause. i can function again today. thanks for your love. i went to a meeting and shared and was again, just amazed by the unconditional acceptance support understanding and love! i really thought my homicidal thoughts werent going to be understood. feeling the love. still feeling the hurt but the reading in courage to change today was good. its like. i still need that permission to be enraged. and just for today its not whether or not i can choose to be hurt and upset but how to treat myself while i am hurt and upset.

mushroom

(((((utopia)))))

Totally relate to the feelings of rage you express. sometimes you just want to lash out at the world to release some of the pain you're carrying. Life is so unfair, some people get dumped on while others seem to have everything come their way. And they carry on like they deserve it too! when it's just luck.

Identifying legitimate targets for your anger will help lessen the urge to lash out at total strangers who never did you any direct harm. And yes there are a lot of people who won't accept you as you are, but there are many who will - I do, for one.

What do you get out of attending this church, if the other congregants don't accept you?

lizw

The last few days I have been pondering the idea that if God knows everything about me, how I feel, what I do etc... then maybe the way I feel about someone or something, not matter how good or bad that feeling is, it maybe a God given feeling.....

And I have to say, I hate days like you described and I do have them. They're terrible.

howatch

Hi Utopia
I just wanted to say how much I admire your courage. You are such a brave person. I hope you have some good people around you as well as the support of this forum in what you are trying to do.
Howatch