Just found this board. First post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 1
Just found this board. First post
Hello,
I came across this board after a bit of a breakdown. I guess to begin I'll start with a history.
Even since I can remember my mom has been a heroine addict. My parents got divorced when I was young, about 8 years old, but I was around her long enough to see her overdose and hospitalized countless times. After the divorce I really didn't see her often, and I'm very lucky to have an amazing father who has done a wonderful job providing and caring for me. However, my relationship with my mother can only be described as agonizing. She has been in and out of treatment for the last 13 years, and it seems any time I trust in her to follow through with it I am just setting myself up for the disappointment of the relapse. Because of her disease we have been relatively distant, seeing each other as little as twice during the bad years.
For most of my life I paid little attention to my mom and her problems. However, as I got older it began to bother me more and more as I tried to have a relationship with her. It became hard to stomach not only how she treats me, but how she treats herself. I am now 21 years old, graduating from college this year, and in the process of applying to medical school. As I was filling out an application today, it asked me to write about the most significant challenge I have faced and how I coped with it. Naturally the most difficult challenge I have faced has been my mom's addiction, however, I could not bring my self to write the essay. Thus the breakdown today and my discovery of this site and the realization that maybe I haven't even begun to cope.
The first thing that caught my eye was the 13 characteristics of ACOA. The majority of them describe me exactly; which I was surprised to find. I thought that I had distanced myself from my mom's problems, but I guess there are things about myself that I always thought were just a little off (haha, actually one of the 13 characteristics). I'm just so confused by my relationship with her, and looking back at my life I see how it has affected me.
Finding this message board is actually a huge relief, as it clarifies a lot about myself. What are my first steps in dealing with these issues? Is it necessary to seek professional help or will I be able to handle things with the help of supportive family and friends?
Thanks
I came across this board after a bit of a breakdown. I guess to begin I'll start with a history.
Even since I can remember my mom has been a heroine addict. My parents got divorced when I was young, about 8 years old, but I was around her long enough to see her overdose and hospitalized countless times. After the divorce I really didn't see her often, and I'm very lucky to have an amazing father who has done a wonderful job providing and caring for me. However, my relationship with my mother can only be described as agonizing. She has been in and out of treatment for the last 13 years, and it seems any time I trust in her to follow through with it I am just setting myself up for the disappointment of the relapse. Because of her disease we have been relatively distant, seeing each other as little as twice during the bad years.
For most of my life I paid little attention to my mom and her problems. However, as I got older it began to bother me more and more as I tried to have a relationship with her. It became hard to stomach not only how she treats me, but how she treats herself. I am now 21 years old, graduating from college this year, and in the process of applying to medical school. As I was filling out an application today, it asked me to write about the most significant challenge I have faced and how I coped with it. Naturally the most difficult challenge I have faced has been my mom's addiction, however, I could not bring my self to write the essay. Thus the breakdown today and my discovery of this site and the realization that maybe I haven't even begun to cope.
The first thing that caught my eye was the 13 characteristics of ACOA. The majority of them describe me exactly; which I was surprised to find. I thought that I had distanced myself from my mom's problems, but I guess there are things about myself that I always thought were just a little off (haha, actually one of the 13 characteristics). I'm just so confused by my relationship with her, and looking back at my life I see how it has affected me.
Finding this message board is actually a huge relief, as it clarifies a lot about myself. What are my first steps in dealing with these issues? Is it necessary to seek professional help or will I be able to handle things with the help of supportive family and friends?
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Oh I understand. Once I found Al-Anon (my father is an active alcoholic) even after attending AA/NA for myself, I could finally start putting my life back together. Things were never terrible, but there was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Something that just didn't seem right. I just found a home in Al-Anon that I had never had before. These people just understood me.
My sister is still struggling. She is so busy trying to save him that she hasn't gotten help for herself. Sure, she has money, a nice house, a beautiful child and husband but ...until she gets help for herself she can't set up the boundaries she needs to. She can't seem to care for herself like she cares for others. It scares me but I've pointed her in the right direction.
Welcome to SR. This is an amazing place. The support here is awesome.
My sister is still struggling. She is so busy trying to save him that she hasn't gotten help for herself. Sure, she has money, a nice house, a beautiful child and husband but ...until she gets help for herself she can't set up the boundaries she needs to. She can't seem to care for herself like she cares for others. It scares me but I've pointed her in the right direction.
Welcome to SR. This is an amazing place. The support here is awesome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome RedWings. Each of us stumbles down our own path to recovery in our own ways.
You've made the first - and frequently the hardest - step. You've admitted that something's not right, and you've decided that you want to change it. That is where most people get stuck.
I believe it will be necessary to seek help beyond supportive family and friends. Perhaps not, but I don't know anyone who got beyond the recognition that something's not right without getting help. Many on this forum attend AlAnon. Many (possibly most) find it very useful.
I have a therapist and have had one off and on for (jeez I'm getting old) about as long as you've been alive. It was only recently though that I stumbled across the 13 common characteristics and put all the pieces together in a way that was like a blinding flash of light. Since then, my therapy has gone to a new level of focus and my recovery has been happening in leaps and bounds.
I have decided that I don't want to be normal, rather, I want to be healthy. I don't care what "normal" is (and from what I see in drivers, I don't want to be like that anyway). I have learned to set and defend boundaries. I have learned how to take care of myself, but not to the exclusion of other people in my life. I learned skills to deal with my alcoholic parents, to prevent further harm to me.
Given the number of people here who seem to derive much help from AlAnon, I suggest you find a meeting (or more than one, to sample the 'flavor' of the different groups of people) and attend a few. You are not required to speak at the meetings, you can just sit and listen. Sometimes, finding out you're not alone in the world makes a huge difference.
And a good therapist certainly can help. I'm partial to cognitive behavioral therapy and found it to do me very much good. The skills I learn there don't just apply to my parents, but have helped me with everything from a road rage incident to a particularly difficult coworker, to having to fire someone. So it isn't just skills you'd use with your mom, it influences all aspects of your life.
No matter what you choose, know that we're always here and we wish you nothing but the best in the path you choose to follow.
What are my first steps in dealing with these issues? Is it necessary to seek professional help or will I be able to handle things with the help of supportive family and friends?
I believe it will be necessary to seek help beyond supportive family and friends. Perhaps not, but I don't know anyone who got beyond the recognition that something's not right without getting help. Many on this forum attend AlAnon. Many (possibly most) find it very useful.
I have a therapist and have had one off and on for (jeez I'm getting old) about as long as you've been alive. It was only recently though that I stumbled across the 13 common characteristics and put all the pieces together in a way that was like a blinding flash of light. Since then, my therapy has gone to a new level of focus and my recovery has been happening in leaps and bounds.
I have decided that I don't want to be normal, rather, I want to be healthy. I don't care what "normal" is (and from what I see in drivers, I don't want to be like that anyway). I have learned to set and defend boundaries. I have learned how to take care of myself, but not to the exclusion of other people in my life. I learned skills to deal with my alcoholic parents, to prevent further harm to me.
Given the number of people here who seem to derive much help from AlAnon, I suggest you find a meeting (or more than one, to sample the 'flavor' of the different groups of people) and attend a few. You are not required to speak at the meetings, you can just sit and listen. Sometimes, finding out you're not alone in the world makes a huge difference.
And a good therapist certainly can help. I'm partial to cognitive behavioral therapy and found it to do me very much good. The skills I learn there don't just apply to my parents, but have helped me with everything from a road rage incident to a particularly difficult coworker, to having to fire someone. So it isn't just skills you'd use with your mom, it influences all aspects of your life.
No matter what you choose, know that we're always here and we wish you nothing but the best in the path you choose to follow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hello redwings,
If you feel that your relationship with your mother, or lack thereof, is affecting your life for the worse, then it might be helpful to take in a few counseling sessions with someone who's experienced with the adult childred of substance abusers. I found (in my twenties) that even a handful of meetings helped me to clarify what I was feeling, how it was affecting my behaviors and other relationships, and what steps I might take to change all of that. It wasn't a lifelong thing for me, just like.....like taking a class in how to restructure my life for the better.
People often say things like "I trusted her to follow through with recovery..." Trust is not the right thing to concentrate on here. She is in charge of her own life, and will make whatever choices she's going to make. We can see what they're doing, we can hope it works this time, we can love them anyway...but "trusting" an addict to get better is like trusting it not to rain today, or trusting the hurricane to veer off in another direction just because it will work out better for us. You don't want to tie your happiness to something that is so out of your control.
One thing I learned from early days in counseling was how to love them anyway. Yes, I had a difficult childhood, no, they couldn't (and can't) quit their drugs of choice, but cultivating the power to detach with love --- to focus on your own path, but never lose a sense of kindness and hope for them --- is one powerful skill. It will also serve you well as a physician.
Welcome to this place. Lots of very wise and very wonderful people here.
If you feel that your relationship with your mother, or lack thereof, is affecting your life for the worse, then it might be helpful to take in a few counseling sessions with someone who's experienced with the adult childred of substance abusers. I found (in my twenties) that even a handful of meetings helped me to clarify what I was feeling, how it was affecting my behaviors and other relationships, and what steps I might take to change all of that. It wasn't a lifelong thing for me, just like.....like taking a class in how to restructure my life for the better.
People often say things like "I trusted her to follow through with recovery..." Trust is not the right thing to concentrate on here. She is in charge of her own life, and will make whatever choices she's going to make. We can see what they're doing, we can hope it works this time, we can love them anyway...but "trusting" an addict to get better is like trusting it not to rain today, or trusting the hurricane to veer off in another direction just because it will work out better for us. You don't want to tie your happiness to something that is so out of your control.
One thing I learned from early days in counseling was how to love them anyway. Yes, I had a difficult childhood, no, they couldn't (and can't) quit their drugs of choice, but cultivating the power to detach with love --- to focus on your own path, but never lose a sense of kindness and hope for them --- is one powerful skill. It will also serve you well as a physician.
Welcome to this place. Lots of very wise and very wonderful people here.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Glad you found us. :ghug2
I don't think I noticed how much growing up in my crazy family affected me, until I was 5 odd years clean and sober myself in AA/NA. And I began to get better when I started attending Al Anon too, that was 5 years ago.
In the last 9 months I have also started attending SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) and I also saw a counsellor for awhile.
These are the things that have helped me and as another poster said, you've already begun by considering something inside you may need changing and that you may need some help.
I don't think I noticed how much growing up in my crazy family affected me, until I was 5 odd years clean and sober myself in AA/NA. And I began to get better when I started attending Al Anon too, that was 5 years ago.
In the last 9 months I have also started attending SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) and I also saw a counsellor for awhile.
These are the things that have helped me and as another poster said, you've already begun by considering something inside you may need changing and that you may need some help.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
