Lbad

My sponsor suggested that I might want to consider going to ACA mtg's.... I thought I would start here first....

I am clean/sober working a 12 step program since 01/22/03.....

Both my parents are sober alcoholics...... they are divorced since I was like 2....
Mom 20 years sober but untreated..... she "used" to go to mtgs.....
Dad 35 years sober w/church and God it works pretty well for him....


I was estranged from both of my parents for many years.. lots of reasons.. my part is I was a junkie and was ashamed....

I reestablished a relationship that works pretty well with my Dad....

My Mom... I had to find and I did... I have been gently trying to reestablish a relationship with her since January of this year.... I made amends and have practiced the principles and she doesn't want a relationship with me...

Anyway it hurts.... not as bad as the first abandonment but it feels like a ripped open scar......

Bad
:atv

DesertEyes

Hey there Lbad, and welcome to this corner of recovery

Take a little time to browse thru the posts we have made and thru the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Congratulations on being clean and sober since 03, that's awesome. You will find that a lot of us here are also recovering from some addiction or other. Your's truly is a recovering alkie. My folks were drunks, my Dad was kind of like you describe your Mom. My dad quit drinking but never quit the behavior.

I'm glad you've developed a good relationship with your Dad. That's a wonderful example of recovery in action.

Welcome again

Mike

Lbad

Thanks Mike...

I will read through the sticky posts...
It is nice to know there are other recovering children out there.
This is all new to me.. I kind of pooh poohed the whole idea for a long time......
When the pain gets great enough it inspires taking another look...

Bad
:atv

Peter

Acoa allowed me to complete the circle. It took me back to the origins of my own addiction and helped me to fill in a lot of the blank spaces. I have a better understanding of my own behaviour now because of the work I put into this area of my life. I also had private counselling.

Your sponsor may be right.

deezaldog

Congrats on your sobriety. My sister was very active in ACOA for a long time. It seemed to help until she went back out. She has not returned yet but I keep hoping. She was very close to our alcoholic father and when he died from alcohol she turned to the bottle and drugs. I hope you find yourself able to establish a relationship with your mother. Rejection from a parent is devastating. But at least you try and maybe you can find some comfort in that.

lizw

Finally after years of sick relationships I've recently sought some outside help, i.e. counselling. I've also been attending Al Anon for about 5 years now. And I am an AA member and been sober 10 years.

But also it was nearly 2 years ago that I was diagnosed with MS then a year later fibro, and since that time this ACOA stuff has hammered me because as a child I had quite bad health so it has triggered a ton of memories (around rejection) for me.

Some days it feels like I am getting 'forced' to love myself or at least learn too, since my day to day health really depends on it now - some times I am grateful for this and then other days I'm not.

I'm glad for you that you have a wise sponsor.

GingerM

I did the same thing for a long time as well, until a friend of mine (kindly) shoved me this direction. The first time I read the 13 characteristics of ACoAs, a light bulb went off. I'd been in therapy for years before that, but never had any kind of idea of how all my issues fit together. Suddenly it all fell in like a jigsaw puzzle and I could see the whole picture. My recovery went into warp drive then. I printed out the 13 characteristics, took it to my therapist and said "pick one". I could finally see it for what it was.

While I have contact with my mother, I wouldn't call it a relationship. I am civil to her in the same way I'd be civil to someone in line at the bank or the grocery store. There is no intimacy there, and I have written that relationship off. I do maintain a relationship with my dad, although I always have to have an exit strategy in place - both my parents still drink heavily.

Lbad

I read those characteristics and I think at least at one point or another most of it holds true...
Working the steps and practicing living a spiritual life has healed or is healing most of that stuff though...

Right now I just feel exhausted....

I really appreciate all your responses....

Lbad

I did a little looking for ACOA meetings in my area and the choices looked pretty slim... Maybe al-anon??? I don't know what to do....

DesertEyes

Al-anon is what I do. The town I'm in is too small to get an ACoA meeting going, so we all hang out at al-anon. There's a Wed nite and Th nite meets that half the time wind up being ACoA meets because that's all we talk about. Check out a few meets, see which ones have more of an ACoA "flavor", it's what I did and it works great for me.

Mike

starflier

In the end, when the lights go out, and we have only ourselves to answer to, we're all either/or/and adult children of acoholic/mentally ill parents, alcoholics ourselves, or codependents who enable the alcoholics we love. We all need support, love, affirmation, wisdom, and the experiences of those who have gone before us. Courage, strength, and sobriety I wish to us all!:ghug

Lbad

Thanks Mike...
I will look up an al-anon meeting and report back soon.

GiveLove

Hey, Lbad,

I found a lot of great help working with a counselor who had experience with ACAs. He gave me lots of things to work on, not just talk talk talk but concrete things to try to do differently, one small step at a time. You may have luck with this kind of thing too.

Big congrats on your sobriety!

Hugs,
GL

Lbad

Thanks GL...

I have not made it to an al-anon meeting yet but, I am having coffee with a old friend today... He is 15 years sober a member of al-anon and my Mom used to be his sponsor when he was new in AA. He knew her very well during one of our estrangements. I think he might be able to help some.... Maybe just by understanding all the parties involved... He is also a very spiritual person.... I am hopeful that this might just be a really good thing.....
My sponsor just took off to Pennsylvania for two weeks and I miss her already.. Thank goodness for texting!!