first time here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 2
first time here
Wow, I am amazed at how many people out there in this world are going through the same sort of things that I have been hiding for the past 3 years. I am disappointed that I hadn't found the website until recently! I am a young professional woman living with a partner who has an alcohol abuse problem that has recently come to a head. I was once in counselling for a short period of time because I wanted to learn more about the reasons why my partner drinks and why I react so poorly to the situations we get into together. It is then that I discovered that I too, am a codependant. The funny thing is, I had forgotten about my role in our relationship problems (conveniently) until I found this site. I am grateful for this because as I said, my partner's drinking problem has recently caused us a great deal of grief. His drinking causes him to lie (which I understand is a normal behaviour for people with alcohol abuse issues) and take unecessary risks.
Because of the lying I have lost the ability to trust my partner. I am no longer able to enjoy myself in social situations, I am anxious when I am away on business (which is quite often) because I fear he will go out drinking and hurt himself, I have lost the intimacy I use to have with friends and family because I have been hiding the truth about my partner and I for so long. I know that I only make things worse because of my codependancy. I recognize my need to be in control and to organize my life and to plan ahead for everything because that is what I learned to do to cope with alcohol problems in my home. I guess what confuses me is why I am not strong enough to set my boundaries and stick to the plans I make for myself where he is concerned???
My therapist told me that if my partner's problem continued, that I would eventually have to accept that it might be best to leave him for both of our sakes. I have tried leaving. In fact, I am working away from home so that I can avoid him. We had what I call another "episode" on Friday night. He was caught lying about his whereabouts, I thought he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere because he disappeared off the face of the earth for almost 24 hours. He showed up but tried to hide where he was because he thought I would freak out. (which I did anyhow). I don't want to go home until he provides me with a realistic plan to address our problems. I have heard his promises so many times before that I no longer have faith in him or us. But like all times before, I feel myself giving into him. I have agreed to see him on Friday but I am terrified that I will let him back in without really achieving what I need. Is this normal behaviour? How do I break the cycle? It is so strange for me to admit these weaknesses.....
That's enough for my first note. I apologize for rambling.
Because of the lying I have lost the ability to trust my partner. I am no longer able to enjoy myself in social situations, I am anxious when I am away on business (which is quite often) because I fear he will go out drinking and hurt himself, I have lost the intimacy I use to have with friends and family because I have been hiding the truth about my partner and I for so long. I know that I only make things worse because of my codependancy. I recognize my need to be in control and to organize my life and to plan ahead for everything because that is what I learned to do to cope with alcohol problems in my home. I guess what confuses me is why I am not strong enough to set my boundaries and stick to the plans I make for myself where he is concerned???
My therapist told me that if my partner's problem continued, that I would eventually have to accept that it might be best to leave him for both of our sakes. I have tried leaving. In fact, I am working away from home so that I can avoid him. We had what I call another "episode" on Friday night. He was caught lying about his whereabouts, I thought he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere because he disappeared off the face of the earth for almost 24 hours. He showed up but tried to hide where he was because he thought I would freak out. (which I did anyhow). I don't want to go home until he provides me with a realistic plan to address our problems. I have heard his promises so many times before that I no longer have faith in him or us. But like all times before, I feel myself giving into him. I have agreed to see him on Friday but I am terrified that I will let him back in without really achieving what I need. Is this normal behaviour? How do I break the cycle? It is so strange for me to admit these weaknesses.....
That's enough for my first note. I apologize for rambling.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome sparkplug!
You sound like a thoughtful and intelligent person. First let me say that your weaknesses are not what you have to face. You are somply powerless over him and his disease. When I gave up the illusion that I had any power over what was happening to my loved ones I felt a huge feeling of relief.
You sound like you have a pretty good handle on what is happening...his dishonesty is shame. He can't face what he is doing so he has to lie and decieve. And there is no reason for you to believe him.
I am going to suggest you head on over to the Alanon forum on this site and go to the power posts at the top. There is some excellant reading there. Also get a copy of Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" It is great reading and you may see yourself those pages.
About leaving...my thoughts on this subject are that I choose to not do anything until I am sure. By waiting I will not have to look back and wonder. You can stay in the relationship for today and change your mind tomorrow. As those today's pass you can learn and grow and then make a decision with confidence.
I am an Anon...I look forward to seeing you on the Anon forum.
Hugs,
JT
You sound like a thoughtful and intelligent person. First let me say that your weaknesses are not what you have to face. You are somply powerless over him and his disease. When I gave up the illusion that I had any power over what was happening to my loved ones I felt a huge feeling of relief.
You sound like you have a pretty good handle on what is happening...his dishonesty is shame. He can't face what he is doing so he has to lie and decieve. And there is no reason for you to believe him.
I am going to suggest you head on over to the Alanon forum on this site and go to the power posts at the top. There is some excellant reading there. Also get a copy of Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" It is great reading and you may see yourself those pages.
About leaving...my thoughts on this subject are that I choose to not do anything until I am sure. By waiting I will not have to look back and wonder. You can stay in the relationship for today and change your mind tomorrow. As those today's pass you can learn and grow and then make a decision with confidence.
I am an Anon...I look forward to seeing you on the Anon forum.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Welcome!
Hey hun,
I don't know what to tell you that JT didn't.
Well, I'm glad you are here and I hope that you find the strength and support that you need. Definetly read "Codependent No More". It will provide a lot of insight. Welcome again!
Love you bunches.
--Ångel
I don't know what to tell you that JT didn't.
Well, I'm glad you are here and I hope that you find the strength and support that you need. Definetly read "Codependent No More". It will provide a lot of insight. Welcome again!
Love you bunches.
--Ångel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 2
fast response
my word you responded quickly! Thanks for the words of encouragement and support JT and Angel. I will definitely pick up the book tonight and let you know what I think. Thanks again.
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