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Cutting ties, Codependent Mother

Old 06-30-2008, 12:59 PM
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ctt
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Cutting ties, Codependent Mother

My parents live in a different country with my brother who is 32 years old. My dad is an alcoholic.

I invited my mom to come and stay with me and my husband for a month.
I haven't seen my mom in 6 months since I last visited them in my home country. While I was there for 3 weeks my dad was drunk the whole time.

Now that my mom came to visit, I can notice she is not the was she used to be. She doesn't remmember things, she does strange things and she is not as sharp as she used to be. That gets me really angry. I know that the time she spends here should be really calm so she can get better but it's hard to control my anger.

She says she can't move out because she needs to pay a lot of money in advance and then she comes here with a lot of cash to spend it on stupid stop. I told her she can use those money and move out but she just says:"I will see".

The other day I was talking to her from work about my brother and all of the sudden she says my dad was phisically violent with her. It was such a painful moment since she just snicked that in the conversation.


After that I decided to write my dad an email saying how I am stoping all contact with him and how there is an AA group in our home town. And after he will be sober for 6 month we will be in contact again.

I copy paste it the email and send ti to my mom and brother telling them to never talk to em about my dad. It's been 3 days and none of them has acted like they even received the email.

1. Was the email the right way to go? I am afraid my brother would just go in my dad's email and delete it
2. What should I do about my mom:she needs my help, she would be better moving in with me but she acts like the perfect victim and that makes me very codependent

What's the best way to go about all this. I feel bad for beeing angry at her all the time, for her getting excited when my dad calls,for complaining about him the next second and for my brother acting like nothing happend, for him living with my parents at 32 and not helping my mom move out.

What's the next step?

My husband and I are planning to move to Switzerland and my company would pay my rent. I could get a big house in the country and have my mom live with us. She is easy to get along with everyone but I get so angry around her. But if the doesn't come,she will lose her mind in the next year.
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Old 07-04-2008, 08:45 PM
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Hello ctt,

Iím sorry you are having such hardship with your parents. My father was alcoholic, so I understand a little of what you are talking about.

From what you have described I think it is clear that your mother needs help. The behavior that you describe; loss of memory, not being as sharp as she used to be, doing strange things, those are all indications that she needs to see a doctor. She may have an illness, or even have brain damage if she was hit on the head by your father.

Since your mom has told you that she was physically assaulted, you need to contact a local womanís shelter and ask them for advice. Those folks are expert at handling this kind of situation, and will be able to direct you to the resources that are available in your location. They will also be able to help you sort out you motherís victim behavior and tell it apart from a real request for protection.

People who are abused by their spouses develop some very strange behaviors in order to protect themselves from a horribly dangerous situation. Your mother needs professional assistance, much more than we can give here on SoberRecovery.

Please contact a womanís shelter, and then come let us know what they said.

Mike
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Old 07-06-2008, 04:36 AM
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Parenting our parents

That's me in a nutshell. Especially my Mum. It has taken a HUGE effort on my part to stop doing this.

If my mum has a problem (and like yours) it is usually to do with my Dad I don't take it on board. She's been leaving him for as long as I can remember but has never actually left. If I turn up to my parents house and they have been fighting, I leave pretty quickly before one of them tries to get me 'on side' too.

I am an alcoholic but god didn't just strike me down with soberity. I had to provide the willingness. Your parents will change if they want to. And if they don't want to, they won't. They will sort it out between themselves or they will live crazy lives till the day the day. But what ever the outcome, you can lead a full and happy life.

I know as an ACOA, I love to fix things up and I also like to buy into the idea that it is 'because of me' people do or don't do things. The idea that they will or won't because of themselves is a strange to me but it is the truth.
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