married a cheating ACoA
 

Hello to all,
I have had many AHA! moments since finding this forum the last week. I have found out why my husband values money and posessions over people and feelings, and why he has never mentally 'checked in' to our marriage (he says he never loved me and that I trapped him because I was pregnant - yeah I was but he was 28 & I was 29, we were NOT children)
To make this post short I won't drone on and on about my AH problems, or my own (not attributed to alcohol, but a 'dry' ACoA mum who is deceased) because we both have a lot. My question that I can't seem to find an answer to deals with infidelity and the ACoA. Is this a common thing? He was faithful and said he loved me for 15 years although he nevershowed it (mama always said actions speak louder than words). I cannot get myself to trust him and he says he will never trust me with money (I ran up HUGE CC bills which for him is a NO-NO and I now know WHY)
For the past 6 months I found my self trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the children even though the trust issue's on both our parts abound. Now, I find myself just wanting out and wanting to start over. I feel tremendous guilt over our two children having to have grown up with an Alocholic ACoA and obviously a codendent mother. Neither one of my parents drank and I my life was pretty much Brady-bunch perfect growing up, though I am stubborn and hate to admit I am wrong. I was wrong for staying as long as I did after the infidelity, because of my subborness:c004:. I don't wan't to be stubborn and stay because he now has a label for the way he acts. BTW, we did try marriage counceling, he won't go back after 2 sessions, doesn't beleive counceling helps people. What is the best way to deal with a ACoA who won't get help for himself. He does know he grew up with an alcoholic dad, but hs dadhasn't drank in 25 years (AFTER my DH already had moved out)so he doesn't see a problem.
sorry this was sooo long, thanks for listening. Hope someone can help! M.

Standard response, get help for yourself-first. Just had that flash, when you're flying they tell you that if the oxygen masks drop out of the ceiling, put yours on first and make sure you can breathe before attempting to help anyone else.

So sorry, almost forgot.


WELCOME!!

lastcall,

You may want to do some more reading and thinking about what you want for yourself, and what you want for your kids.

One book that has helped many of us here is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It helps put things in a different light, not of right or wrong, but of healthy and not healthy.

I'm glad you are seeing the problem with "staying together for the kids' sake". So many people stay in conflict-ridden, divisive, deeply unhappy marriages like yours, somehow convincing themselves that it's okay to ingrain these values into their children, somehow that it's good for them to grow up thinking that love, trust, cooperation, and serenity shouldn't be part of marriage. I was one of those kids. It took me decades to un-learn what my parents had taught me about relationships.

Sailorjohn has a point: Work on YOU. Let your husband do whatever he's going to do, but focus on what you want, what are your dreams, what kind of life do you want to have for yourself? Only when you do that inner work can you even think about mapping a path to get there.

Good luck
GL

Thank you so much for pointing that out. I too have seen far too many people stay in it for the 'sake of the kids'. Children learn what they see.

My mother alway's told me this too and finally one day I actually heard her!

Freedom- Being a child that grew up with an A father (who cheated on my mom in our own home, my sister found him in bed with another woman) a mom who had a mental illness and drank among 3 A brother's, a drug addicted brother.......I can say that growing up things never felt right- I always looked at other familys/friends and said wow I want to be them. "that is so cool that they go shopping together" or whatever have you! I want a Mom and Dad like that!

My parents divorced and I then had to deal with 4 ADULT CHILDREN..it was a battle ground and my youngest brother (step) and I were the pawns! I sat down with my youngest brother about 5 years ago on my family room floor as he came to visit and we both cried as we said "Wow it is like we are looking in a mirror" we both felt the same way and both were told things that were just so out of this world that should just not be done or said to children! We both are much better today as we have begun our new journeys! He has two beautiful son's and loves them with all his heart.....I have forgiven my father (God rest his soul) and my mother today and grateful that I have. I have the life I always wanted because I gave it to myself-My mother has been sober for over 20 years and today life is good!

Please take care of yourself and your children-you state that you "find yourself wanting and wanting to start over" if this is really what you feel then when the time is right IMHO we always will do what we need for ourselves :hug: Prayers and blessings to you!