MandaXBear

My mother has been sober for five years. But I can't let go of my grudge that I held towards her when she was drinking and doing drugs... she totally neglected, and abused me.

Currently she is in the hospital. Liver failure. They don't think she is going to pull out. I would love to forgive her and let go of my grudges before she goes. It's just a very stessful time for me.

Any suggestions?

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

HI,

I'm really sorry that this is happening. I lost my mom to liver failure as well. I would do my best to pray on it and ask for help in your forgiving her.

Big hugs,

Karen

Freedom1990

I am going to offer the viewpoint of an alcoholic mother (now in recovery) who was never there for her youngest daughter for the first 8 years of her life.

If your mother is anything like me, she has tremendous guilt for her lack of good parenting during her drinking career.

I realized that a simple 'I'm sorry' just wasn't going to cut it for her after all that I had done.

Therefore, my best amends have been to stay in continuous recovery for the last 17 1/2 years and work on making myself a better person.

She still to this day hasn't forgiven me, and she turned 30 in January. Let me tell you the results of that resentment. She actively drinks/drugs. She has lost custody of her children after overdosing in front of them. She's been in jail more times than I can count. She never stays in one place for long before she's kicked out, and she's never homeless for more than 24 hours because she's a clever girl. She hasn't worked since she was a senior in high school. She's engaged to a convicted sex offender currently serving time in the penitentiary. She's under investigation by social services for providing alcohol and prescription drugs to minors, including my 12 year old granddaughter. She is a rage-aholic.

The last time I went to visit her in jail, I went with love in my heart, but with no expectations of anything from her.

She spent the entire 30 minutes smirking at me on the other side of the glass. She doesn't have a problem with anything.

Forgiveness is not for the one we are forgiving. It is for ourselves. It does NOT mean we approve of what has happened in the past.

Resentments keep us shut off from the sunlight of our spiritual side.

Clinging to a resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for your enemy to die.

Ultimately, you have to do what you can live with.

I can't afford to have resentments because I stayed drunk over resentments for many many years.

SailorKaren

It will likely take time and effort on your part to get to a place of acceptance and forgiveness toward your mother. There is hope and peace waiting for you at the end of that road. I made it, with help, therapy, and time. Unfortunately, time with your mother is in very short supply right now. I would consider having a less ambitious goal, perhaps one of simply saying goodbye. The forgiveness can come later. I am so sorry this is happening for you. Do you have a good friend who can be with you during these last visits? Perhaps she can just be in the hallway and catch you when you come out. Are you visiting now? How is that going? It's not necessary to go over past stuff with her right now. Just being in the room and holding her hand silently will say volumes. It's OK to have a mixed jumble of feelings right now, including love and compassion, right along with resentment and anger. Give yourself time to sort them out later. For now, just feel them as best you can, and don't shortchange yourself the opportunity to be with her now at the end, if that is what you want. Post something here every day and let us know how you are doing. Others will be along shortly to lend you their support. Get plenty of rest and cry when you can.

GingerM

I think Karen had a very good idea - say goodbye now and work on the forgiving part later. I don't know if I will ever hit a place where I can fully forgive either of my parents, but I can accept that they are what they are and they did what they did and it's in the past and nothing I do now will change that past, so I better figure out what kind of future to make for myself.

The 12 step saying of "let go and let God" is helpful to many people, but if you're not amongst those with a spiritual bent in that direction, I modified it for myself to "let go and let the universe run itself". Perhaps you can release some of the hurt long enough to see your mother through this, and accept that she was what she was, she did what she did, and now she is where she is in the state she's in. And you may find some pity, if not forgiveness, in that, which may help you through this.

noles

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I lost my mom a little over 6 months ago to liver failure so I know how hard it is. Personally, forgiveness is still something I'm working on... it's not something that happens overnight - and my mom wasn't even abusive, she just let me down by not being there then and not being here now. I can say though, if you ever had a relationship with your mom, stay by her side. Let her know that you love her and that you'll be okay. Regardless of all the hurt, she's your mother and even if she didn't show you, she loves you and she has guilt for the hurt she's causing you. You can't make yourself forgive and she can't expect that, but you should just tell her how you feel so that you don't have any regrets.. Take care of yourself.