Midnightfrost

So I haven't been in touch with my addicted mother in months. Then she emailed me. She's seen a counselor and she working on her life. But then the details come out. She was working at some job where they don't drug test. She had to quit that job and crash on a friends couch. Can I turn on her cell phone? I didn't reply to the question.

Then she called and I answered thinking it was someone else. She still denied responsibility for the 2nd DUI. And is the victim and blah blah. She wants to move across the country. Pretty much follow me again!

I was friendly on the phone but I didn't say much. I don't want her anywhere near me. I'm struggling with my family issues right now. Do I want to keep in contact with my mother? I think the only reason I still respond is because I don't want to hurt her. But she hurts me! The conversation is always lopsided. She will continue to ask me for money and other other things. I just want to sever contact all together. I'm struggling with my relationship with my extended family as well. My grandmother is a long time rx addict and not emotionally healthy. My aunts are a mess. Part of me wants to reach out for support from these people but the rest of me know they are incapable of providing it. One Aunt I have gotten close to but she's a mess emotionally and is repeating the family dynamics in her own life. So I don't get much from our talks. I don't know. There is still fear and guilt there. Fear to include anyone from that side in my family and fear of cutting them out all together and not having people there for me. Then there is the guilt about pulling away and causing them pain. I think limited contact with my aunts is ok. But talking to my mother is not productive. Her behavior hasn't changed even if she is sober(which I highly doubt). I think I want some closure and finality. :help

Freedom1990

This is what really hit me as I read through your post. Neither of my parents are addicts/alcoholics, but there is a long line on both sides of the family. Unfortunately they brought a lot of the dysfunctional attitudes into their family life.

My mother can be very toxic to me at times when she's not dealing with her own emotions, and tries to throw them at me.

There are times I have simply had to initiate no contact for my own sanity and peace of mind. I must be true to myself and what I need to do for me.

Try to keep in mind that your mother has consequences from her choices, and one consequence may very well be you completely cutting contact. If she is hurt, that is on her, and not you. She brought it on herself by continuing to live the way that she does.

Believe me, it's a lose-lose situation if you walk on eggshells trying to keep everyone happy.

The fact that she is always asking for money or some kind of help tells me there is nothing positive for you in keeping in contact with her.

Just my two cents! :ghug2

GingerM

And this is what caught my attention for similar reasons to Freedom's post.

You can not *make* someone hurt. Honestly, you can't. To assume that you have that kind of power is to assume that you are nearly god-like. They must accept the hurt to feel it. And really? Doesn't sound so much like they're accepting any of the natural consequences of their actions. If you pull away, they will find someone/something else to blame it on (witness your mom still denying that 2nd DUI).

Secondly - I'm going to preach my "wish, want, would be in my best interest" thing again, so feel free to skip it if you've heard me say it a gazillion times already.

Guilt often comes from a feeling like you "should" do something, and since you didn't, you've failed. I can't quite pick out what "should" you've got going on, my guess is several - you "should" have a good relationship with your mom, you "should" help her out, you "should" maintain ties with your family etc.

Do you *wish* to do any of the above?
Do you *want* to do any of the above? (Not "should", but *want*)
Do you think it would be in your best interest?

If the answer to any of the above questions is "yes", then by all means, continue doing what you're doing. That is healthy. If you answered "no" to all of the above questions (being honest with yourself), that means that these people are doing nothing but making you miserable. We enjoy being around people who don't make us miserable. I want to see my husband when he comes home, he's a fun and enjoyable and loving person to be around.

Getting rid of the "shoulds" can help you determine whether you're decision to maintain contact or not is based on the old tapes playing in your head, or whether it's what you really want and is healthy for you.

As an aside, if you find yourself starting to reframe and saying "I really REALLY don't WANT to deal with this anymore", you have found your own true voice.

They bring the pain on themselves. It is the natural consequences of their actions. We can not parent our parents (heck, we're lucky if we can parent ourselves).

Take this for what it is - an opinion and an offer of another tool for the toolbox. Take what you need, leave the rest.

BayAreaPhoenix

Just to let you know, I haven't been in contact with my mother since 1985. I have not had a moment's "un"peace about this decision (the only big one apparently!).

We all have to do what we have to do for our own sanity and life.

I still - 20 some years later - continue to work on my issues from my Mother even though she has been out of my life all these years and I have worked on myself all these years. There are times I could whine and pitch a really big fit - but at the same time, I have grown beyond what "normal" people have and strive to continue!

My Mother and my AH are the reasons for finding this board, my home-town fellowships, etc.. I love being part of everyone and everything, as odd as that may sound. The blessings in my life are countless!

This is my experience, I hope that whatever you decide for you that you can look around you and see the blessings for your choice. It won't make your life perfect - that would not be the point! But if it brings you blessings... you decide...

(((hugs)))

Midnightfrost

Thanks for the responses! I set up an appointment to meet with a counselor. Hoping she can help me work through some of this too. Mother's dropped off the radar again. But all those issues came bubbling up to the surface again. Hoping I won't hear from mum again anytime soon and I'll have some time.

controllingmyli

my mother is a meth addict (and probably has been for the past 16 years) i am 33 years old (next monday anyway! hb to me!) and I have 3 of my own kids and am the legal guardian of my 16 year old brother (let me tell you the issues that brings into my life...)
it was always hard for me to decide to not have my toxic mother around me because of my younger brothers (the other one is in his mid 20's and is trying to recover from meth addiction) but once I had to take on the responsibility for one of her children it was easier for me to put up the wall. I do think it's sad that I have conditioned myself that way - but I have. people say, "she'll always be your mother and you'll always love her" but I don't know how I feel about her really. I'm angry, yes. I really just think of her as waiting to die... not to say I WISH her dead... but I don't know. I do not have contact with her, I didn't call her on mother's day (in fact, side story here... for YEARS while I was still putting up the front and putting her feelings before my own, I woudl struggle w/getting her mother's day cards cause they are all "what you taught me..." "how you've supported me..." etc, it's hard to find a card that says "well you didn't beat me..." or "at least none of your dealer friends raped me..." anyway... it's almost relieving to NOT have to put on the pretense of celebrating her on mother's day.)

anyway - I can't tell you that you need to put her out. but I can say this only. separate who she is to you - just take her actions and think about them and then assign them to a stranger, would you allow a stranger with her behavior in your life? Just being your mother doesn't give her special rights to be in your life and behave that way. Her choices are hers and now that you're an adult, you don't HAVE to be subjected to them. So take that information and mull it over. I know how hard it is and I can't say that it's better to be a person who can just shut out - i'm sure my feelings for my mother are deeply buried, and that might not be the healthiest, but at least keeping them buried keeps me safe.

love and stuff

Midnightfrost

met with the counselor. she was kinda in awe of my mother from what I told her. And I don't even rail against her or anything. I just kinda described our relationship and history. She was like . . . well she sounds ummm difficult. Hahahahaha! But the therapist seemed like she could be helpful.

still haven't heard from mother. don't know if I will anytime soon. I'm getting ready to make major changes in my life and this is when i really miss having a strong family to turn to for advice. I want to work through the summer at my current job and then either quit or take a leave of absence. I'm so scared to quit my job. Although I plan to have a job that will work with my schedule already before I quit my current job. I think I'm so scared of going back to being desperately poor. And I don't want to be without health insurance again either. Although the university does offer some insurance.

I know I am just miserable in my current job. It doesn't fit my body clock or my way of being at all. There is no consistent sleep schedule or work schedule. I'm exhausted all the time and it leaves little time for a social life. So I know it will be better for me and my health to find another job. It just scares the crap outta me!

controlling. . that's awesome you've taken your brother in though. I'd always wished I coulda done that for mine! I like your idea of putting my mother's qualities on a stranger. I definitely wouldn't be in contact with someone that was that toxic if they weren't related!

Thanks!

Midnightfrost

ok now that I've had some sit down and think time. I love my solo time I hear you Freedom and Ginger. I'm continually surprised how easy it is to step right back into the old ways and roles. I hadn't read the "wish, want and in the best interest" before. I'll have to add it to the tool box. It was good to hear your perspective too Code.

After this long break of not talking to my mother it was overwhelming to have her disaster threaten to become a part of my life again. Its amazing how things have changed for me in the last year. I've grown so much! I do things I would never have even thought of doing a year ago. I'm not scared and anxious all the time. I make all kinds of decisions for myself too. Its so nice to know its ok to make a decision that is good for me! I'm amazed at how quickly I slid right back into the all or nothing thinking. The world is going to end kind of thinking. Lose all perspective. So scary!

But I've had some time to think and regroup. And you guys are right. I'm not hurting my mother. She's hurting herself. I'm protecting me by setting limits on our contact. I hope the next call or email I feel more in power. Like I'm acting instead of reacting. I want to feel like its not this huge force that comes into my life that I don't have any control over. Because I do! I decide to read the emails and answer the phone.

I've re-established contact with that side of the family and I think that has been helpful but also scary. I see that they continue to live in the same roles and painful ways my mother and grandmother did and still do. I struggle with deciding how much I want to have them be a part of my life. It's weird when I've taken a break, all those oppressive rules just seem ridiculous. But its scary how easily I slide right back into the old behavior. And I have a hard time interacting with them and not falling into those roles. So for now I've put my June visit on hold. I don't want to plan a visit I'm not comfortable with.

peaceteach

Wow, MidnightFrost, you sound so great! Reading your affirmations and honesty with the "sky is falling! sky is falling!" feelings and behaviors just really rang true to me. How easy it is to forget every tool in your experience and go sliding into codependent angst, I know. Thanks for the reminder that I am in charge of my own life, feelings and choice of company, not anyone else

GingerM

Yes, it is amazing how easy it is to just slide back into the old patterns. I know myself well enough to know that I always need an exit strategy. Without one, I'll feel the old behaviors coming back and will start feeling trapped.

I'm really glad to hear you could have some 'peace' time to collect yourself. Those times are rare and I cherish them.

Wascally Wabbit

Hey Midnight, I haven't been here in a while, but I remember your story well.
The last I remember reading, she had gotten arrested.

I dont' know if you remember all that I go through with a sober alcoholic mother.
She is needy and always trying to make me responsible for her, and constantly complains that she's dying of something. She's always been that way.

She goes through intense complaining spells where she's scared of this, dying of that, and "just can not live alone any more".

My issue has always been that I can't take being around her for more than 24 hours. The complaining is just very depressing.

I used to call her every single day. But to what end? To listen to how horrible her life is and how miserable she is? She has got it pretty darn good actually. She has a pension from the Navy and SS. She is not hurting for money, but to listen to her she is flat broke all the time.

This last 6 months or so, I have stopped calling every day. Now it's about twice a week.
I find that I deal with that a lot better. If I had to start listening to it every day again, like Ginger said, it would be like sliding right back into the same pattern of insanity. Good grief, I have enough of my own insanity, I don't need to borrow someone else's.

I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt her feelings. There's something in us that respects our parents this way. I think if my mom ever outright asked me why I "treat" her this way, I would be totally honest. For now, it's easier just to stay away.