Ahimsa

Last night I followed the sound advice many past therapists have given - setting boundaries...

After arriving at my parents house to move some furniture, I discovered my mother was VERY drunk. She kept pushing all my buttons, so I kindly sat her down and said..."Mom, I just don't think tonight is going to be a good night for us to try to talk. We both know why, and that's fine. I will do my thing, you can do yours, and we can stay out of each other's hair. I'll leave as soon as I'm done"

She then started yelling at me about how she is tired of how ungrateful I am for everything she does for me (?) and how mean I am and what a terrible daughter I am. So I started to gather up my things and said I would leave. Then she freaked out and said "No, I'LL LEAVE". And grabbed her keys and got in the car and drove away...So I called the police and reported a drunk driver.

I had a hard time convincing my dad it was the right thing to do. I think he was afraid of the future drama and family rift it would cause, but then I gently reminded him that if I was out there driving and a drunk driver was near me, my dad would want them removed from their car immediately. So I gave them all her info and hung up. She never came home last night, and this morning I woke up to her voice. She said she slept in her car (It was below freezing last night, I know she stayed at a male "friend's" house) and was so upset that neither my dad or I called to check on her. I was 99% sure she was in jail. Somehow she escaped the law (ONCE AGAIN) and now I am battling with my feelings of guilt for calling her in.

I know that was a reeeeeally long story, sorry...but does anyone have any thoughts or comments about being in a situation where the RIGHT thing to do is not the EASY thing to do???? I think it's a huge responsibility we take on as children of parents when we KNOW they are breaking the law....what do we do????

DesertEyes

Hi there Ahimsa

I think your calling the cops took a _huge_ amount of courage, and I deeply admire you for doing it. I've been to a few funerals for kids that were killed by a drunk driver, I know your actions mean the world to a lot of people.

I've been told by my sponsor that the reason it's so hard to do is _because_ it's the right thing to do. The _wrong_ things to do are always easy

What I did with my parents is I just avoided them when I knew they were drunk. All those emotions put me in a situation where I was clearly _not_ capable of making sound decisions, so I just avoided the situations. If I showed up and either one of them was skunked, I just left. Most of the time they didn't even remember.

As far as the feelings of guilt, what helps me is to remember that my feelings of guilt are _learned_. I wasn't born that way. Guilt is something that was _taught_ to me as a child, and therefore it is something that I can "unteach" myself. I can make the decision as to what actions _I_ choose are ethical, and which are not. I am no longer a slave to the "brainwashing" that was forced upon me as a child.

Sounds easy, but in reality it took me awhile to get my feelings "healed". What helps me a lot is to modify the serenity prayer to fit the moment and say it over and over and over.

HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
the courage to change the future I can
and the wisdom to start today.

Mike

GingerM

Without going into details, I had to approach my father with a situation far worse than drunk driving, and had to give him the option of counseling or jail. It was NOT a pleasant situation, and every therapist I talked to about how to go about this warned me that if he committed suicide, it would not be my fault (how's THAT for some guilt - not that we're in a competition or anything, and if we are, it's one I'd love to lose)

I also felt guilty initially. I felt like I *should* not air our dirty laundry (although I did this as quietly as possible - but with each therapist/counselor I talked to I had that guilt). I felt that I *shouldn't* be having to make this decision or deal with this situation, that he *shouldn't* have put me in this position in the first place (anger coming out there). I felt that I *shouldn't* be having to parent my parents.

Then my own counselor gave me the "shoulds don't exist" tool, which has honestly been the best tool in the world for me in terms of making guilt dissappear. "should" implies expectation of success. "should" means something is supposed to happen, and if it doesn't happen, then you failed and guilt ensues.

Instead of "should", he said use "wish", "want" or "would be in my best interest (or the best interest of innocent others in both of our cases) if"

Try reframing your situation as "I wish I hadn't had to call the cops on my mom." "I wish my mom hadn't decided to drive when she was drunk." "It was in the best interest of the other driver's on the road to call the police and get her off the road as quickly as possible"

These three phrases do not imply an outcome, therefore it bypasses the guilt circuit.

I do feel for you, I really do. I have come to peace with my situation that I had to deal with. It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, it was scary, it was also in the best interest of innocents for me to do what I did, and the guilt I would have carried had I NOT addressed the problem would have haunted me forever. I have no guilt over how I handled the situation, although I do *wish* I had not had to deal with it

splendra

Hey (((Ahimsa)))

I really don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. Please be gentle with yourself. You did a good thing she just didn't get thrown in jail so maybe her HP has something else in mind for your mom. I really think you acted as a good citizen and out of care for your fellow human being...

AliceinWndrland

I think you did a very brave thing....

Ahimsa

Thank you all It's so nice to know that we're not alone when we get things off our backs!

Wascally Wabbit

I believe you did the right thing. I would have done the same thing. Before I would let one of my children get into a car drunk, I would call the cops. The fear of them killing someone, including themselves, would be more than I could bear. Not only that, if they did kill someone while drunk driving, they would be looking at most of their life in prison. Which is worse?

Alcoholics all believe that they are a victim of everyone else. We know that's not true. They are a victim of alcoholism.

Easeful

I think you did the right thing to call the police. You were there an in a position to know how dangerous your mother was on the road. I consider that a responsibility to society.

You were not responsible for your mother being on the road drunk, she was. And that responsibility involves suffering the consequences.

My Dad's girlfriend's son called me to tell me my Dad had had a fight with his Mom and had left the house drunk......... driving......the tractor. I told them they had a choice, they could handle it themselves or I could call the sheriff. I've never heard from them again......ever. I'll always believe they were just looking to up the drama.

LucyA

You did the right thing definately. I did the same for my brother and he was arrested. I don't feel any guilt whatsoever, he had my nephew in the car, I would have felt guilty if I hadn't called and they'd been hurt or worse, or he'd hurt someone else.

MLH2282

I think you absolutely did the right thing! DO NOT feel guilty for turning her in! Instead, focus on the fact that you are merely upholding the law. My dad almost ran me over one day, and I regret not calling the police. Sometimes it's just the wake up call they need to get their lives together.

My main concern is the people on the road that my dad could hurt. I worry more about them, than anyone else. My dad CHOOSES to drive drunk, so that's on him, but I have an obligation to protect innocent third parties. That's the way I look at it. I think about how I would feel if he ever hurt anyone, and that is how I know you did the right thing.

utopia

i think you have shown courage and fortitude. sometimes the things that honour self respect or the law are not easy, esp in a alcoholic/dysfunctional familes., i myself am in the process of charging my father with rape and had a lot of guilt and doubt about it. but your strength and insight through looking at what youve chosen shows me that it comes down to the program again. principles before personalities. thank you for sharing.

rawdeal

Of course that was the right thing to do!
For all you know - you probably saved a life that night.

Your mother sounds a hellova lot like mine. The conversation you described is reminiscent of every conversation i have with mine when she is drunk and i try and diffuse the situation before tempers are lost. Its not easy to deal with.

My father who is also an alcoholic, lost his job as a park ranger for drinking and driving on the job. It was myself who reported it, because my equally dysfunctional mother refused. I have also had to have my father arrested at 3,4,5am for behaving hysterically after bingeing on a cocktail on drink and drugs. We have to do something preserve our own sanity, and if nothing else it teaches them they are not invincible.