Thinking of letting go of my mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
Thinking of letting go of my mom
Things are moving so fast for me.
In January I realised my mom was alcoholic and addicted to OxyContin.
In February I confronted her (nicely) naively thinking she would seek help. She denied everything so in desperation I laid down boundaries for our future relationship.
She spent 2 months arguing and telling me I was nuts, wrong etc and only my father's mediatory efforts stopped her from disowning me straight off.
In April she finally disowned me -- and my codie father has silently gone along with it.
Someone on this board read my list of her characteristics and suggested she might have narcissistic personality disorder. I have done a bit of research -- and i think she does. So does my husband.
Apparently it's virtually untreatable and tends to get worse with age. Reading about NPD has put me in touch with some difficult feelings about her -- fear, anger, pity for my childhood.
I find myself not wanting to re-establish the relationship -- i don't want her in my life anymore.
The thing is, she was never sexually or physically abusive and she wasn't all bad. I see some people on this forum are still in touch with their alcoholic parents. I guess I just feel really guilty about the idea of leaving her out of my life. Especially the idea of her ending up alone in a nursing home somewhere. Arrgh. Feeling very sad and low right now.
One minute I believe I have OK parents, although our relationship isn't great but hey whose isn-t..... the next minute, the scales of denial fall off my eyes and suddenly i am disowned and not wanting to go back. It's been a big shock.
Just feeling alone right now and not sure what the right thing to do is.
In January I realised my mom was alcoholic and addicted to OxyContin.
In February I confronted her (nicely) naively thinking she would seek help. She denied everything so in desperation I laid down boundaries for our future relationship.
She spent 2 months arguing and telling me I was nuts, wrong etc and only my father's mediatory efforts stopped her from disowning me straight off.
In April she finally disowned me -- and my codie father has silently gone along with it.
Someone on this board read my list of her characteristics and suggested she might have narcissistic personality disorder. I have done a bit of research -- and i think she does. So does my husband.
Apparently it's virtually untreatable and tends to get worse with age. Reading about NPD has put me in touch with some difficult feelings about her -- fear, anger, pity for my childhood.
I find myself not wanting to re-establish the relationship -- i don't want her in my life anymore.
The thing is, she was never sexually or physically abusive and she wasn't all bad. I see some people on this forum are still in touch with their alcoholic parents. I guess I just feel really guilty about the idea of leaving her out of my life. Especially the idea of her ending up alone in a nursing home somewhere. Arrgh. Feeling very sad and low right now.
One minute I believe I have OK parents, although our relationship isn't great but hey whose isn-t..... the next minute, the scales of denial fall off my eyes and suddenly i am disowned and not wanting to go back. It's been a big shock.
Just feeling alone right now and not sure what the right thing to do is.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Howatch,
All you can do at this point is keep coming back to the facts of the situation: YOU are not leaving HER out of your life, SHE'S leaving you out of hers. She disowned you, yes? She has said she does not want you to contact her, to "re-establish the relationship."
If you really want to get these feelings out, write her a letter and tell her how you feel. Put down the things that are nagging at you the worst. Tell her you love her (if you do). Tell her you're sorry the two of you can't seem to get along right now (if you are). Wish her the best in her operation. Get down the thoughts that are driving you crazy with guilt unexpressed.
Then either mail it.....or don't. Whatever it is, do it for you.
You are doing the right thing by honoring her wishes. You're also doing the right thing by not letting a narcissistic person jerk you at the end of a leash. But if it will help you to sleep better and get through your days, put it down on paper and send it off. Let it go. Get on with your own life and happiness.
Remember: NPD moms especially want you to spend every waking moment worried about their needs. Which is exactly what you're doing.
What about YOUR needs? What are YOUR dreams for this one short life you've got to live?
All you can do at this point is keep coming back to the facts of the situation: YOU are not leaving HER out of your life, SHE'S leaving you out of hers. She disowned you, yes? She has said she does not want you to contact her, to "re-establish the relationship."
If you really want to get these feelings out, write her a letter and tell her how you feel. Put down the things that are nagging at you the worst. Tell her you love her (if you do). Tell her you're sorry the two of you can't seem to get along right now (if you are). Wish her the best in her operation. Get down the thoughts that are driving you crazy with guilt unexpressed.
Then either mail it.....or don't. Whatever it is, do it for you.
You are doing the right thing by honoring her wishes. You're also doing the right thing by not letting a narcissistic person jerk you at the end of a leash. But if it will help you to sleep better and get through your days, put it down on paper and send it off. Let it go. Get on with your own life and happiness.
Remember: NPD moms especially want you to spend every waking moment worried about their needs. Which is exactly what you're doing.
What about YOUR needs? What are YOUR dreams for this one short life you've got to live?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Give Love said it admirably and I have little to add to what she said.
You need to live *your* life for *you*. Let others live their lives as they choose and respect both your own and their boundaries.
The guilt most likely comes from the bushel of "shoulds" you have running around inside your head, like you "should" be a good daughter etc. All those old tapes of how you're not catering to her in the way that you "should" be. Examine those "shoulds" to see how many have merit.
When all else fails, ask yourself this: if anyone else in the world treated you the way she did/does, would you continue a relationship with that person? If so, why? If not, why is your mother any different? Family members who love each other support each other MORE than strangers do, not less.
You need to live *your* life for *you*. Let others live their lives as they choose and respect both your own and their boundaries.
The guilt most likely comes from the bushel of "shoulds" you have running around inside your head, like you "should" be a good daughter etc. All those old tapes of how you're not catering to her in the way that you "should" be. Examine those "shoulds" to see how many have merit.
When all else fails, ask yourself this: if anyone else in the world treated you the way she did/does, would you continue a relationship with that person? If so, why? If not, why is your mother any different? Family members who love each other support each other MORE than strangers do, not less.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The idea of writing a letter to her is excellent. I've done that many times over the years, never sent any of them, but I got my feelings spelled out in front of me, owned them, and then let them go. It's been very freeing for me.
I've had periods in my life when my mom disowned me too, and boy did that hurt.
Now that I've been in recovery for several years, I recognize that she did the best she could with what she had.
I've had to learn to nurture myself in those areas that ache to be filled with the kind of mother I will never have.
I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. :ghug2
I've had periods in my life when my mom disowned me too, and boy did that hurt.
Now that I've been in recovery for several years, I recognize that she did the best she could with what she had.
I've had to learn to nurture myself in those areas that ache to be filled with the kind of mother I will never have.
I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. :ghug2
down the rabbit hole
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: near Boston, MA
Posts: 321
hi howatch... I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm going through something similiar with my dad right now. he disowned me, then decided he wanted to talk again... in the spirit of trying to better our relationship, I sent him a long email - very difficult for me to write - about how I feel about things, and how important I think it is for him to start seeking treatment for his alcoholism and depression. He wrote me back a sarcastic, 4word response. I sent another email in response to that, telling him how it had hurt me, that I wasn't telling him what to do, but saying what I thought was important for our relationship, and he wrote back and basically said that i am just trying to force him to do what I think is write, that I'm looking for any excuse to get away from him, and goodbye...
So I'm at a loss right now what to do. But just know you're not alone...
So I'm at a loss right now what to do. But just know you're not alone...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
Hi 
I am in the same boat...I have a alcoholic mother (about 10 years now), and have had many "nice talks" about seriously discussing her problem, and my serious desire to help her recover, and I too have received nothing by accusations of criticism and basic temper-tantrums.
I "let go" of my relationship with my mom about a year ago for 5 months or so. It was the most peaceful thing I ever did. We started talking again on Mother's Day, and while the good times are good, the bad times just get worse and worse, and after an incident last night, I am approaching the letting go thing again.
I recently spoke with a counselor who tried to tell me that the emotional baggage I would carry as a result of discontinuing the relationship with my mother would be more stressful for me to handle that just trying to set boundaries with her. But as I am sure you understand, that is not always the case. It is far too difficult to maintain a relationship with someone as unpredictable and unstable as an addict (especially a parent addict). Anyway, just my two cents. I have also written many many many letters to her, and given her most of them, and while it was very therapeutic for me, I don't believe it EVER changed her mind or perceptions of her disease ONE BIT.
Best of luck to you, and we all support you in whatever *you* do for *you*
I am in the same boat...I have a alcoholic mother (about 10 years now), and have had many "nice talks" about seriously discussing her problem, and my serious desire to help her recover, and I too have received nothing by accusations of criticism and basic temper-tantrums.I "let go" of my relationship with my mom about a year ago for 5 months or so. It was the most peaceful thing I ever did. We started talking again on Mother's Day, and while the good times are good, the bad times just get worse and worse, and after an incident last night, I am approaching the letting go thing again.
I recently spoke with a counselor who tried to tell me that the emotional baggage I would carry as a result of discontinuing the relationship with my mother would be more stressful for me to handle that just trying to set boundaries with her. But as I am sure you understand, that is not always the case. It is far too difficult to maintain a relationship with someone as unpredictable and unstable as an addict (especially a parent addict). Anyway, just my two cents. I have also written many many many letters to her, and given her most of them, and while it was very therapeutic for me, I don't believe it EVER changed her mind or perceptions of her disease ONE BIT.
Best of luck to you, and we all support you in whatever *you* do for *you*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Colorado Springs Co
Posts: 7
howatch
I too have an alcoholic narcissist for a parent (my dad) and it is very hard to deal with. I think one of the hardest parts is that, being a narcissist makes it quite unlikely that they will ever admit that they have a problem (a key factor in getting better). This does not mean that it is impossible for them to get better but just really unlikely. I know that that sounds quite negative and disappointing but it is kind of a back handed blessing. I recently started AL-ANON and one of my biggest issues is the idea of letting go, of not trying to control the situation, not trying to make it better. I do not want to preach because at this point I have not gotten very far but I feel in my heart that being able to accept the fact that they may never change is liberating. There is nothing that we can do. We are not in control. I know the heart ach of having to let go (especially when there a semblance of goodness-my father was once a really good daddy and sometimes I think that makes it harder to deal with than a parent who is solely abusive because not only are you having to distance yourself from the pain but the happiness and good memories as well). Please remember you are not giving up on her, you are standing up for you. And if you anything like me that may be kind of a novel concept to put yourself first (that’s something I’m working on) I appreciate this thread because I think I need to hear this myself as much as I feel you do. Thank you for your courage.
I too have an alcoholic narcissist for a parent (my dad) and it is very hard to deal with. I think one of the hardest parts is that, being a narcissist makes it quite unlikely that they will ever admit that they have a problem (a key factor in getting better). This does not mean that it is impossible for them to get better but just really unlikely. I know that that sounds quite negative and disappointing but it is kind of a back handed blessing. I recently started AL-ANON and one of my biggest issues is the idea of letting go, of not trying to control the situation, not trying to make it better. I do not want to preach because at this point I have not gotten very far but I feel in my heart that being able to accept the fact that they may never change is liberating. There is nothing that we can do. We are not in control. I know the heart ach of having to let go (especially when there a semblance of goodness-my father was once a really good daddy and sometimes I think that makes it harder to deal with than a parent who is solely abusive because not only are you having to distance yourself from the pain but the happiness and good memories as well). Please remember you are not giving up on her, you are standing up for you. And if you anything like me that may be kind of a novel concept to put yourself first (that’s something I’m working on) I appreciate this thread because I think I need to hear this myself as much as I feel you do. Thank you for your courage.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bogalusa, LA 70427
Posts: 11
It's easy for me to give others advise, I just can't do the same.
My mother is dying. Almost lost her in 2002, gave up one year of my life to help her (cleaned her house, paid bills, took her to Doctor appt., bathed her, everything, etc....). She stayed sober an entire year, was doing great, and started back drinking. It felt like a knife going into my heart. I distanced myself because that is the only way I can handle it. I call her several times a day to make sure she is OK, but it hurts to bad to see her when she is drinking. I received a call from her back in August, she had fallen. I rushed over to find her literally black and blue, in desperate need of a bath. Of course I helped her bath to only call to check on her the next couple of days. When I couldn't get in touch with her, I rushed over to find her in the worst way. Could not get her in my car, went to get a A-neighbor to help, had to call ambulance but she refused to go with them, so they helped me get her in my car. Was put in ICU, stayed in hospital 3 weeks. I called my sister to let her know I was taking her to hospital and she asked if she needed to come! (WOW) Of course I told her no. Was discharged in my care, brought her to my house for 4 days to be put right back in hospital for 2 more weeks. Took her to her house and with the help of my A-brother we gave her around the clock care until just recently. 8 months sober, dropped Hospice because I felt we were being lead to have a liver transplant. She was evaluated for transplant, made her an appt. for next week for extensive testing to put her on the list and I just found out that she is drinking again. What gets me is that she won't admit it to me. Does she think I am stupid!!! It hurts soooo bad. I am not angry with her, I am angry with myself because I allow her to do this to me. A good friend who lost her father to alcoholism asked me could I go for testing with a clear conscience and not tell them that she is drinking, and I said yes. Not clear conscience, but I could lie if it meant saving her life. She told me that my mom was trying to tell me that she didn't want the transplant, that she only wants to drink. You know, I just don't get it.
Kay Kay
My mother is dying. Almost lost her in 2002, gave up one year of my life to help her (cleaned her house, paid bills, took her to Doctor appt., bathed her, everything, etc....). She stayed sober an entire year, was doing great, and started back drinking. It felt like a knife going into my heart. I distanced myself because that is the only way I can handle it. I call her several times a day to make sure she is OK, but it hurts to bad to see her when she is drinking. I received a call from her back in August, she had fallen. I rushed over to find her literally black and blue, in desperate need of a bath. Of course I helped her bath to only call to check on her the next couple of days. When I couldn't get in touch with her, I rushed over to find her in the worst way. Could not get her in my car, went to get a A-neighbor to help, had to call ambulance but she refused to go with them, so they helped me get her in my car. Was put in ICU, stayed in hospital 3 weeks. I called my sister to let her know I was taking her to hospital and she asked if she needed to come! (WOW) Of course I told her no. Was discharged in my care, brought her to my house for 4 days to be put right back in hospital for 2 more weeks. Took her to her house and with the help of my A-brother we gave her around the clock care until just recently. 8 months sober, dropped Hospice because I felt we were being lead to have a liver transplant. She was evaluated for transplant, made her an appt. for next week for extensive testing to put her on the list and I just found out that she is drinking again. What gets me is that she won't admit it to me. Does she think I am stupid!!! It hurts soooo bad. I am not angry with her, I am angry with myself because I allow her to do this to me. A good friend who lost her father to alcoholism asked me could I go for testing with a clear conscience and not tell them that she is drinking, and I said yes. Not clear conscience, but I could lie if it meant saving her life. She told me that my mom was trying to tell me that she didn't want the transplant, that she only wants to drink. You know, I just don't get it.
Kay Kay
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Manchester, NH
Posts: 1
Letting Go
My mother has been addicted to prescription medication for the most part of my life, over 25 years. For many years, I tried to help her and advise her that she is hurting herself (and others) with her behavior. Unfortunately, my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Her and my dad divorced over her behaviors and I have stopped talking to her on several occasions. One time, I went over a year without speaking to her.
I honestly thought things had been going very well with her, until this past weekend. She lives several hours away, but she came down for a visit, I made her a special meal and bought her something special. The next morning, she left, and I cleaned out my purse and realized she had as well. Many of my prescription medications were missing and I honestly didn't know how to handle it. I had always been so good handling this in the past, but she hadn't done it in a while, so in my heart I wanted to believe that she had changed. Wrong again!
I am thinking about cutting my ties with her. I love her and want nothing but the best for her, but I have realized you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.......
I honestly thought things had been going very well with her, until this past weekend. She lives several hours away, but she came down for a visit, I made her a special meal and bought her something special. The next morning, she left, and I cleaned out my purse and realized she had as well. Many of my prescription medications were missing and I honestly didn't know how to handle it. I had always been so good handling this in the past, but she hadn't done it in a while, so in my heart I wanted to believe that she had changed. Wrong again!
I am thinking about cutting my ties with her. I love her and want nothing but the best for her, but I have realized you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.......
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