What Do You Remember?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
What Do You Remember?
I was reading another thread about "unreasonable expectations", and it got me thinking about what I remember from my childhood.
Or in my case........what I don't remember........and that is a lot! For me, I can't say that I remember anything before the age of 9. My alcoholic father left when I was 10.
I have clear memories of things my mom said to me (she is not an alcoholic), such as "If you had a brain, you'd be dangerous!"....meaning........I am stupid.....
To this day I oftentimes find myself "making mistakes" when I am around her, breaking things, and just basically acting "stupid". I fall right back into it.
Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom dearly and I think she is a great woman....however, I don't think she realized how damaging saying something like that to your child could be.
Nothing was ever good enough.....ever. I just had an "AHA" moment as I type this.....I wonder if my Mom was resentful to my sisters and I b/c she blamed us for our dad's drinking? Don't know...sounds kind of crazy.....
Another "AHA" moment. My Dad (the 1st alcoholic in my life)...whenever I did see him (maybe a few times a year...really can't remember)....always made a point to tell me how proud he was of me. Always...up until he was dying from cancer...always told me how proud he was...
And I think......so what if you are proud of me?....You were never there for me........never helped support financially, emotionally, spiritually....nothing.
I know my Mom is proud of me now, and she probably was then.
Uugghhhh.....my brain hurts from all this thinking.....I'm rambling.......feel better now that I got that out.
Shivaya
Or in my case........what I don't remember........and that is a lot! For me, I can't say that I remember anything before the age of 9. My alcoholic father left when I was 10.
I have clear memories of things my mom said to me (she is not an alcoholic), such as "If you had a brain, you'd be dangerous!"....meaning........I am stupid.....
To this day I oftentimes find myself "making mistakes" when I am around her, breaking things, and just basically acting "stupid". I fall right back into it.
Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom dearly and I think she is a great woman....however, I don't think she realized how damaging saying something like that to your child could be.
Nothing was ever good enough.....ever. I just had an "AHA" moment as I type this.....I wonder if my Mom was resentful to my sisters and I b/c she blamed us for our dad's drinking? Don't know...sounds kind of crazy.....
Another "AHA" moment. My Dad (the 1st alcoholic in my life)...whenever I did see him (maybe a few times a year...really can't remember)....always made a point to tell me how proud he was of me. Always...up until he was dying from cancer...always told me how proud he was...
And I think......so what if you are proud of me?....You were never there for me........never helped support financially, emotionally, spiritually....nothing.
I know my Mom is proud of me now, and she probably was then.
Uugghhhh.....my brain hurts from all this thinking.....I'm rambling.......feel better now that I got that out.
Shivaya
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I remember it all, and mostly in the form of snapshots or little movies that I see in my head. Unfortunately, these get to play over and over and over again, which means I can quote them by heart and often 'forget' to be me and allow those old movies and tapes to direct my thought processes.
With no further explaination, I will say that I can not look at a picture of Jimi Hendrix without breaking out in a fearful sweat.
I'm not sure which would be worse - having no memories, or having so many very vivid memories.
That being said, I'm sitting here trying to remember something happy, and I'm having a hard time coming up with a single happy memory from before I left home. I remember angry, sad, hostile, depressed, futile, aggressive...all kinds of negatives, but at the moment, can't recall a single positive memory. I guess that's just about as sad as having no memories at all.
With no further explaination, I will say that I can not look at a picture of Jimi Hendrix without breaking out in a fearful sweat.
I'm not sure which would be worse - having no memories, or having so many very vivid memories.
That being said, I'm sitting here trying to remember something happy, and I'm having a hard time coming up with a single happy memory from before I left home. I remember angry, sad, hostile, depressed, futile, aggressive...all kinds of negatives, but at the moment, can't recall a single positive memory. I guess that's just about as sad as having no memories at all.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
My alcoholic mom has always been very 'proud' of me. I got scholarships to private schools, got straight As, went to one of the top colleges, etc, etc.
She loves to brag about me and make other people feel bad because their kids are not such high achievers. She used to get local newspapers to print articles about me when I was a teenager (which nearly killed me because i was getting bullied anyway for being clever).
As her disease has progressed, she will now even admit openly that she likes to make other people feel second-rate -- it's like she can't see that this is unkind.
Anyway, in a recent discussion with her, I told her that I feels she takes zero interest in my life, my cares, friends, thoughts, activities, job or anything (which is true - she never asks any quesitons about my life).
She responded, 'Well, I find some things boring. But I'm so proud of your achievements. I boast about your achievements to all my friends'.
I said, 'That is not the same thing.'
She genuinely didn't understand the difference. How sad is that.
She loves to brag about me and make other people feel bad because their kids are not such high achievers. She used to get local newspapers to print articles about me when I was a teenager (which nearly killed me because i was getting bullied anyway for being clever).
As her disease has progressed, she will now even admit openly that she likes to make other people feel second-rate -- it's like she can't see that this is unkind.
Anyway, in a recent discussion with her, I told her that I feels she takes zero interest in my life, my cares, friends, thoughts, activities, job or anything (which is true - she never asks any quesitons about my life).
She responded, 'Well, I find some things boring. But I'm so proud of your achievements. I boast about your achievements to all my friends'.
I said, 'That is not the same thing.'
She genuinely didn't understand the difference. How sad is that.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I remember so much, that if I have to think about it, I get sick inside. I am still trying to deal with my mom even tho it's been 30 years since she stopped drinking.
She was hateful and mean.
Now she's controling and manipulative.
I can't stand it. So, I just made sure I live far enough away to stay out of all her self inflicted misery.
She was hateful and mean.
Now she's controling and manipulative.
I can't stand it. So, I just made sure I live far enough away to stay out of all her self inflicted misery.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I'm so sorry you've all had such a bad time.
But your bad times help, they really do and I'm so grateful you can share them now.
My reading them, and learning what you have been through, helps me help someone else.
I wish someone could have helped you all, but if reading your stories helps one person help one more child then it's worth it.
This is why this site is so good in my opinion, it allows us to see the effects of this disease from every angle even if we haven't live through it.
Sorry to hijack briefly, but thank you all again x
But your bad times help, they really do and I'm so grateful you can share them now.
My reading them, and learning what you have been through, helps me help someone else.
I wish someone could have helped you all, but if reading your stories helps one person help one more child then it's worth it.
This is why this site is so good in my opinion, it allows us to see the effects of this disease from every angle even if we haven't live through it.
Sorry to hijack briefly, but thank you all again x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
It was full of my AF ignoring me or yelling at me and my mother (normie) covering for him.
My sister and I are just getting to where we can talk about it.
I love my father and I still see him, but now I have boundaries that I hold to when he is here. I still can't talk to him about how much that hurt me. I have a good therapist and a good sponsor. Until he is really sober I can't invest all my feelings into a heart to heart.
My sister and I are just getting to where we can talk about it.
I love my father and I still see him, but now I have boundaries that I hold to when he is here. I still can't talk to him about how much that hurt me. I have a good therapist and a good sponsor. Until he is really sober I can't invest all my feelings into a heart to heart.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I remember very few things about my childhood before the age of 13. When I turned 13 my recently sober and AA attending mom died unexpectedly. She was 35. Obviously a huge setback for a young teen. I do remember her surprising me with a kitten right before her death. I loved that kitten. Unfortunately, after her death, my brothers were tormenting it. I pleaded with my father to help, and he got rid of that kitten. I still tear up when I think of that. My soon to be xah used my most private desires, pleas for help and confessions against me too. Coincidence? I now think not.
The things I remember about my mom are bad events invoving her being drunk and I don't like to think about that. I wonder why I can't remember the good times? I wish i could remember the good times. I still grieve her passing and it has been 35 years. My own daughter is about to turn 13 and i know all those sad things will come up again, but I know that my recovery and work with Alanon will help.
The things I remember about my mom are bad events invoving her being drunk and I don't like to think about that. I wonder why I can't remember the good times? I wish i could remember the good times. I still grieve her passing and it has been 35 years. My own daughter is about to turn 13 and i know all those sad things will come up again, but I know that my recovery and work with Alanon will help.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I have found that I have to challenge thoughts that come into my head that are put downs to myself. All the: "you're stupids", "if you had a brain you would be dangerous", "where are you going looking like that"s,and all old broken recordings that like to bounce off of the sides of my mind.
This is one of the ways I challenge negative thoughts I think to myself: since I do have a brain I am a powerful individual who makes good choices for myself. I am very intelligent and fully capable of taking care of myself.
I do not have to go into a mode of operation if I carefully monitor my own thoughts and challenge all negative thoughts directed at myself. positive affirmation will strike down negative thinking. It is simple and easy. The tricky part is listening to the chatter, stopping the tape, pressing erase, then inserting positive statement.
I have my own "stop the tape words" I say to myself stop! cancel! then insert positive statement...I hope that is as clear as mud!
This is one of the ways I challenge negative thoughts I think to myself: since I do have a brain I am a powerful individual who makes good choices for myself. I am very intelligent and fully capable of taking care of myself.
I do not have to go into a mode of operation if I carefully monitor my own thoughts and challenge all negative thoughts directed at myself. positive affirmation will strike down negative thinking. It is simple and easy. The tricky part is listening to the chatter, stopping the tape, pressing erase, then inserting positive statement.
I have my own "stop the tape words" I say to myself stop! cancel! then insert positive statement...I hope that is as clear as mud!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Splendra, I do something very similar. I say to myself "that's the old tapes talking, not me" and redirect my thinking.
But it's very hard sometimes to catch myself in the process. One of the reasons I love my hubby so much is that he will say "that's your parents talking, not you, what do YOU think" (and he's an engineer, not a therapist!). It helps pull me out of that cycle of "stupid stupid stupid" self abuse. Hubby says this with love and hope, not to be mean.
I nearly always catch myself, but every once in a while, I've beaten myself up for quite some time before I realize what I'm doing.
But it's very hard sometimes to catch myself in the process. One of the reasons I love my hubby so much is that he will say "that's your parents talking, not you, what do YOU think" (and he's an engineer, not a therapist!). It helps pull me out of that cycle of "stupid stupid stupid" self abuse. Hubby says this with love and hope, not to be mean.
I nearly always catch myself, but every once in a while, I've beaten myself up for quite some time before I realize what I'm doing.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I remember a great deal, but my older brother remembers nothing prior to his 10th birthday. Blocking that out, I imagine. He's also the best-adjusted of the family, with a good wife, good kids, strong values, great sense of humor. I wouldn't dream of dragging him back into what I remember just because it's "best to face things".
I used to only remember the bad things. I had to start a section in my journal where I specifically would write down the good things I had happen in my childhood: The good people I met, the experiences that grew me, the crises that eventually became gifts because I grew resilient and funny and empathetic.
For a long time I resisted remembering the good, because I clung so hard to my identity as a victim, and victims are only supposed to see the blackness. Getting rid of that role (after a lot of therapy and recovery work) set me free. Writing it down connected me with ALL sides of my life....good, bad, neutral. That was huge for me.
My parents were alcoholics, addicts, and unskilled, clueless parents who said and did SO many wrong things, and hence let bad things happen to the young girl they were supposed to care for.
But that's them, not me. Now I care for her perfectly.
I used to only remember the bad things. I had to start a section in my journal where I specifically would write down the good things I had happen in my childhood: The good people I met, the experiences that grew me, the crises that eventually became gifts because I grew resilient and funny and empathetic.
For a long time I resisted remembering the good, because I clung so hard to my identity as a victim, and victims are only supposed to see the blackness. Getting rid of that role (after a lot of therapy and recovery work) set me free. Writing it down connected me with ALL sides of my life....good, bad, neutral. That was huge for me.
My parents were alcoholics, addicts, and unskilled, clueless parents who said and did SO many wrong things, and hence let bad things happen to the young girl they were supposed to care for.
But that's them, not me. Now I care for her perfectly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Food For Thought
I subscribe to O....Oprah Magazine. In the May, 2008 issue, is an interview with Eckhart Tolle. You may have heard of him.
I had many AHA moments yesterday after reading this interview, and I wanted to share some of Eckhart Tolle's thoughts that brought me these moments:
People like to tell the "Story of Me". For many people, it's an unhappy story, so they're always dwelling on the past. That is a dysfunctional and unhappy state.
One's personal history has it's place, and it needs to be honored. It's not problematic unless you become totally lost in that dimension.
Are you more than your personal history?
The present moment is your life.
Gratitude is an essential part of being present.
Refocus on what matters most in anybody's life..which is the present moment... People don't realize that now is all there ever is; there is no past or future except as memory or anticipation in your mind.
I am spiritually awakened today as I think of the above. Hope you find it helpful too!
Shivaya
I had many AHA moments yesterday after reading this interview, and I wanted to share some of Eckhart Tolle's thoughts that brought me these moments:
People like to tell the "Story of Me". For many people, it's an unhappy story, so they're always dwelling on the past. That is a dysfunctional and unhappy state.
One's personal history has it's place, and it needs to be honored. It's not problematic unless you become totally lost in that dimension.
Are you more than your personal history?
The present moment is your life.
Gratitude is an essential part of being present.
Refocus on what matters most in anybody's life..which is the present moment... People don't realize that now is all there ever is; there is no past or future except as memory or anticipation in your mind.
I am spiritually awakened today as I think of the above. Hope you find it helpful too!
Shivaya
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
I remember snapshots also...sitting on an edge of a cliff with the 4 of us kids all under 8 year old, and asking my mom what we were doing there...I did ask her about it years later as a result of therapy[mine for eating disorders], and she confirmed that she was going to just drive off of it, feeling we would be better off...I also remember her zoning out while my father was beating my brother and sister. I don't remember him ever hitting me... In the present...I am happy, grateful[even for those memories], because although I still struggle with food issues, Im healthy, I can look in a mirror and see beauty. I have good friends that know intimate things about me and I still feel safe, I know my mom did and still does her best. I am turning into the person I am supposed to be...and I thank god many times a day.thank-you
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