Hi, reluctant member here...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 18
Hi, reluctant member here...
Hi, I'm Angie, 33, I'm ACOA and I thought all of this 'stuff' was over with, but recently things have reared up to bite me in the bum, so here I am.
I'm thinking I will be learning a WHOLE lot hanging out here, so I'm looking foward to having a good sticky beak
I'm mainly looking for ways to stop being and enabler and rescuer, and gaining acceptance at my fathers constant self sabotage.
I'm thinking I will be learning a WHOLE lot hanging out here, so I'm looking foward to having a good sticky beak
I'm mainly looking for ways to stop being and enabler and rescuer, and gaining acceptance at my fathers constant self sabotage.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Welcome. I mainly post at the FF board for substance abuse, but I have a step-sister that I was looking for guidance with and check here once in a while. Seems like this board doesn't get a whole lot of traffic so if you want a bit more input - I might suggest you post at both places - there is a friends and family for alcohol abuse and a friends and family for substance abuse - I assume you might fit into one of these? Come try it out over there too! Lots of good help around here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome Cyathea. I would suggest you start by reading the 'sticky' posts at the top of this forum.
While this forum doesn't get a lot of traffic, the traffic it does get is pretty much all people who are working through ACoA issues. Many of us have long since left behind (or marginalized) our Alcoholics, or the A is dead or whatever, but we're still working on the 'leftovers' from it.
As to your question for how to stop being codependent or/and an enabler - that's a very hard spot to start with, but not impossible (it was where I started, and I'd like to think I'm doing pretty well in my path to recovery).
The first, and unfortunately hardest, step is to realize that you have absolutely no control over what other people do with themselves. You didn't cause their problems, you can't control their problems and you can't cure their problems. These are known as the 3C's. Since you didn't cause, can't control and can't cure their problems, the next step is to start looking at your own behavior and asking some hard questions, such as "who do *I* want to be?" and "Regardless of what other people do in their lives, what do I want my life to look like?" If you can get to those places, other things will begin to surface which can be worked on. Guilt and Anger often are parts of that process.
If you have more specific questions, feel free to post here. While there may not be a lot of activity here, people (like myself) read it regularly and do post back.
Many people here are big believers in AlAnon. While it didn't suit me, there is no harm done in going to a few meetings or even ACoA meetings if there is one in your area. Not every meeting is the same, each group of people may be different, so going to more than one location with different sets of people is a good idea. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, you can just sit and listen.
We are here for you, to give what insight we can and offer what advice we found useful. Not all advice is as useful to one person as it is to another, so take what you need and leave the rest.
Personally, I'm glad to see you posting here at your age. Many of us took a lot more years of our lives before we realized we needed/wanted to change. You have a full life ahead of you, and by addressing this now, you have the possibility of not messing up a bunch more years of your life.
While this forum doesn't get a lot of traffic, the traffic it does get is pretty much all people who are working through ACoA issues. Many of us have long since left behind (or marginalized) our Alcoholics, or the A is dead or whatever, but we're still working on the 'leftovers' from it.
As to your question for how to stop being codependent or/and an enabler - that's a very hard spot to start with, but not impossible (it was where I started, and I'd like to think I'm doing pretty well in my path to recovery).
The first, and unfortunately hardest, step is to realize that you have absolutely no control over what other people do with themselves. You didn't cause their problems, you can't control their problems and you can't cure their problems. These are known as the 3C's. Since you didn't cause, can't control and can't cure their problems, the next step is to start looking at your own behavior and asking some hard questions, such as "who do *I* want to be?" and "Regardless of what other people do in their lives, what do I want my life to look like?" If you can get to those places, other things will begin to surface which can be worked on. Guilt and Anger often are parts of that process.
If you have more specific questions, feel free to post here. While there may not be a lot of activity here, people (like myself) read it regularly and do post back.
Many people here are big believers in AlAnon. While it didn't suit me, there is no harm done in going to a few meetings or even ACoA meetings if there is one in your area. Not every meeting is the same, each group of people may be different, so going to more than one location with different sets of people is a good idea. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, you can just sit and listen.
We are here for you, to give what insight we can and offer what advice we found useful. Not all advice is as useful to one person as it is to another, so take what you need and leave the rest.
Personally, I'm glad to see you posting here at your age. Many of us took a lot more years of our lives before we realized we needed/wanted to change. You have a full life ahead of you, and by addressing this now, you have the possibility of not messing up a bunch more years of your life.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Welcome! Glad you found us.
I can only speak from experience. To make it short, my son is the addict/alcoholic that I enabled for so many years.
When I quit, things actually got worse, then better for him as he realized he has to be responsible for his actions. I just won't do it any more.
Keep posting. It helps.
I can only speak from experience. To make it short, my son is the addict/alcoholic that I enabled for so many years.
When I quit, things actually got worse, then better for him as he realized he has to be responsible for his actions. I just won't do it any more.
Keep posting. It helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 18
Thankyou!
Actually as I went into a residential rehab as an acoa when I was 18, and dealt with heaps of stuff, I thought all this was over, especially as my father has been sober for 10 years, but he has been living with our family for the past year, and it has brought up all sorts of stuff I never knew was there.
So I'm really feeling BEHIND the 8 ball, so to speak lol
I posted a whole thread about it in the family of alcoholics section.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-father.html
Actually as I went into a residential rehab as an acoa when I was 18, and dealt with heaps of stuff, I thought all this was over, especially as my father has been sober for 10 years, but he has been living with our family for the past year, and it has brought up all sorts of stuff I never knew was there.
So I'm really feeling BEHIND the 8 ball, so to speak lol
I posted a whole thread about it in the family of alcoholics section.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-father.html
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I felt like I was "cured" at one point...2yrs later after believing that lie I hit another "bottom"....not fun....
I also felt like the "past was behind me"...I moved out and across the country...my mom was many years sober in AA and my alcoholic dad died.
Well....needless to say my codependency reared its ugly head and I realized that I will be spinning my wheels until I face this about myself.
I will never be cured because I am human and humans make mistakes. I will experience different levels of success though....and everything in between.....up until the day I die....I try to learn from these experiences and move on to the next lesson.
I also felt like the "past was behind me"...I moved out and across the country...my mom was many years sober in AA and my alcoholic dad died.
Well....needless to say my codependency reared its ugly head and I realized that I will be spinning my wheels until I face this about myself.
I will never be cured because I am human and humans make mistakes. I will experience different levels of success though....and everything in between.....up until the day I die....I try to learn from these experiences and move on to the next lesson.
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