Looking for a little guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Looking for a little guidance
Hi all
This might be a bit long, but I will try to make it as clear and coherent as possible.
I am looking for some direction to some threads, posts or other members who might be helpful for this.
My step-sister is mid-40's. She has a 16 year-old daughter. Nothing has ever seemed to be easy for her or really worked out for her, though she tries and tries everyday. She will say that she is handing things over to "god", but somehow it almost sounds like giving up the way she says it.
her mother is an alcoholic - all that goes with it, and her father who she had in her life for 16 years was also an alcoholic, I believe, but he was definitely mentally ill - beat her brother, aryan brother-hood kind of jerk - just felt evil the one and only time I was ever in his presence at about the age of 11 or 12. It was only for a few minutes, but everytime I remember meeting him I get a feeling that I have never experienced any other time in my life. I can't imagine what it was like to grow up with him on a daily basis - and I've heard a lot of stories, it was aweful to the least.
So, to my knowledge my SS has never really done counseling and has never done Alanon. I know I know she should. Last week she called and told me she purposely didn't have a cancer removed from her torso as she really doesn't want to live more than 10 more years, just long enough to see her daughter grown and make sure she's making it on her own.
Well, I had no idea how to respond, and I'm across the country and in the middle of trying to divorce my AH and have a full plate myself.
My question is for now, what would someone suggest? I feel like I would like to send her something to read or listen to (audio book) that might be helpful to her, get her thinking in terms of her own recovery. I really don't think she has any idea of the resources out there, and if she has tried Alanon before and didn't feel comfortable in the group, I think she's the kind that wouldn't think to keep going to different groups.
Once my life gets settled - well, I get done with this divorce, I do have a plan. I know I can't do her recovery for her, but I can go to her wherever she is and drag her to every Alanon meeting I can find for a week. She doesn't have to like it, but it will expose her and hopefully she'll connect with some people which would help. I will not be calling, and following up afterwards to see if she is continuing her recovery. I can't do that, and I don't presume to think I could have that sort of control. She is my sister, and I love her and I know her, and I truly feel that just being with her for a few visits to some meetings just might (and I say MIGHT) make a difference. Beyond that, I can't do much more. Just tell her how much my Alanon has helped me, etc.
In the meantime, as I said earlier, are there any suggestions or threads that would be helpful to me to read to see and understand a bit better what she's going through and just what might actually be helpful, etc.?
I love SR, I've been on FF of Substance abuse for a while now and I could not have gotten this far without this place, my meetings and therapy - so thanks for the help in another arena!
This might be a bit long, but I will try to make it as clear and coherent as possible.
I am looking for some direction to some threads, posts or other members who might be helpful for this.
My step-sister is mid-40's. She has a 16 year-old daughter. Nothing has ever seemed to be easy for her or really worked out for her, though she tries and tries everyday. She will say that she is handing things over to "god", but somehow it almost sounds like giving up the way she says it.
her mother is an alcoholic - all that goes with it, and her father who she had in her life for 16 years was also an alcoholic, I believe, but he was definitely mentally ill - beat her brother, aryan brother-hood kind of jerk - just felt evil the one and only time I was ever in his presence at about the age of 11 or 12. It was only for a few minutes, but everytime I remember meeting him I get a feeling that I have never experienced any other time in my life. I can't imagine what it was like to grow up with him on a daily basis - and I've heard a lot of stories, it was aweful to the least.
So, to my knowledge my SS has never really done counseling and has never done Alanon. I know I know she should. Last week she called and told me she purposely didn't have a cancer removed from her torso as she really doesn't want to live more than 10 more years, just long enough to see her daughter grown and make sure she's making it on her own.
Well, I had no idea how to respond, and I'm across the country and in the middle of trying to divorce my AH and have a full plate myself.
My question is for now, what would someone suggest? I feel like I would like to send her something to read or listen to (audio book) that might be helpful to her, get her thinking in terms of her own recovery. I really don't think she has any idea of the resources out there, and if she has tried Alanon before and didn't feel comfortable in the group, I think she's the kind that wouldn't think to keep going to different groups.
Once my life gets settled - well, I get done with this divorce, I do have a plan. I know I can't do her recovery for her, but I can go to her wherever she is and drag her to every Alanon meeting I can find for a week. She doesn't have to like it, but it will expose her and hopefully she'll connect with some people which would help. I will not be calling, and following up afterwards to see if she is continuing her recovery. I can't do that, and I don't presume to think I could have that sort of control. She is my sister, and I love her and I know her, and I truly feel that just being with her for a few visits to some meetings just might (and I say MIGHT) make a difference. Beyond that, I can't do much more. Just tell her how much my Alanon has helped me, etc.
In the meantime, as I said earlier, are there any suggestions or threads that would be helpful to me to read to see and understand a bit better what she's going through and just what might actually be helpful, etc.?
I love SR, I've been on FF of Substance abuse for a while now and I could not have gotten this far without this place, my meetings and therapy - so thanks for the help in another arena!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Wow, that's a tough one. I have no idea what I'd do about it. Her decision isn't actively hurting her daughter, there are even religions which would not allow surgery to remove a tumor as they see the tumor as 'God's will'.
You may be able to provide the incentive to get her in to the doctor by asking her if she wants to miss out on her own daughter's adult life. Being someone's child doesn't end at 18 (as we all know here). At 30, the daughter may need your SS's help, or she may be happily married and about to give birth. Does your SS want to miss out on the adult milestones of her daughter's life?
That line of reasoning *might* give her enough positives to be willing to have the tumor removed.
Unfortunately, as with addictive recovery, so it is with ACoA recovery. Your SS needs to want to do it for herself, and until she does, there isn't much you can do to force her to enter recovery (even dragging her to meetings might just put her off even more). They are, ultimately, her decisions to make - however unfortunate they are. Which is not to say you shouldn't give it a try when you can, just that some folks are more resistant to change than others - even when that change can better their lives.
You may be able to provide the incentive to get her in to the doctor by asking her if she wants to miss out on her own daughter's adult life. Being someone's child doesn't end at 18 (as we all know here). At 30, the daughter may need your SS's help, or she may be happily married and about to give birth. Does your SS want to miss out on the adult milestones of her daughter's life?
That line of reasoning *might* give her enough positives to be willing to have the tumor removed.
Unfortunately, as with addictive recovery, so it is with ACoA recovery. Your SS needs to want to do it for herself, and until she does, there isn't much you can do to force her to enter recovery (even dragging her to meetings might just put her off even more). They are, ultimately, her decisions to make - however unfortunate they are. Which is not to say you shouldn't give it a try when you can, just that some folks are more resistant to change than others - even when that change can better their lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Windsor NY
Posts: 24
Looking for a Little Guidance
Having worked with addicts and being an adult daughter of an alcoholic, this is what I think about your step-sister.
She may have been taken care of physically as a child, but you can bet she wasn't given any emotional support, plus probably grew up believing alcohol was more important to her parents than she was.
Hence, she had little or no self-esteem and doesn't believe she's worth saving and believes the world would be a better place without her. Surf the net for self-esteem building programs and use their methods with your sister.
Also, don't bet that this isn't affecting her daughter. I would bet that your step-sister has many shortcomings as a mom because she can't help it. We are our mothers.
You're a good sister. Do what you know you can. You're on the right track.
She may have been taken care of physically as a child, but you can bet she wasn't given any emotional support, plus probably grew up believing alcohol was more important to her parents than she was.
Hence, she had little or no self-esteem and doesn't believe she's worth saving and believes the world would be a better place without her. Surf the net for self-esteem building programs and use their methods with your sister.
Also, don't bet that this isn't affecting her daughter. I would bet that your step-sister has many shortcomings as a mom because she can't help it. We are our mothers.
You're a good sister. Do what you know you can. You're on the right track.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
We can not force anyone into recovery, and that is the saddest part of this program.
You might ask her if she has discussed this with her daughter... does her daughter agree to having her mother die without ever having seen her wedding or grandchildren?
Also, if she is married to a sane person, perhaps you can get him on board with this information ... is he also at a loss? Or does he not even know?
Suicide...slow or fast... is the ultimate selfish act. There is nothing noble there. Perhaps she has not looked at it from that angle.
I wish you the best... ((hugs))
You might ask her if she has discussed this with her daughter... does her daughter agree to having her mother die without ever having seen her wedding or grandchildren?
Also, if she is married to a sane person, perhaps you can get him on board with this information ... is he also at a loss? Or does he not even know?
Suicide...slow or fast... is the ultimate selfish act. There is nothing noble there. Perhaps she has not looked at it from that angle.
I wish you the best... ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Thanks all! I understand I can't force recovery. I'm just hoping to show her a few "ideas" that she just might grab on to to get the ball rolling in that dept.
Emack, thanks so much for the insight. I will look into the self-esteem issues, and see how to go from there - thanks for pointing me in a direction!
I am sure it has affected my neice, but how much she has talked to her about this "plan" of hers, I have no idea. She's not married, so there is no partner to help. Relationships are not an area where she makes good choices. As for the parenting. She does try, she tries every day in this too, as well as every other thing in her life, but of course, my niece has been affected. She has made a conscious effort to be a very different sort of parent than her parents; affectionate, attentive, patient, loving, kind, etc. She has been consistent in her style of parenting also, however, try as she might, their lives have been greatly affected by my SS issues.
Once I get through my divorce process with my AH, then I'll see how I'm doing and see what I can maybe do to coax a little self-interest out of her.
Any other directions - please let me know, I very much appreciate it!
Emack, thanks so much for the insight. I will look into the self-esteem issues, and see how to go from there - thanks for pointing me in a direction!
I am sure it has affected my neice, but how much she has talked to her about this "plan" of hers, I have no idea. She's not married, so there is no partner to help. Relationships are not an area where she makes good choices. As for the parenting. She does try, she tries every day in this too, as well as every other thing in her life, but of course, my niece has been affected. She has made a conscious effort to be a very different sort of parent than her parents; affectionate, attentive, patient, loving, kind, etc. She has been consistent in her style of parenting also, however, try as she might, their lives have been greatly affected by my SS issues.
Once I get through my divorce process with my AH, then I'll see how I'm doing and see what I can maybe do to coax a little self-interest out of her.
Any other directions - please let me know, I very much appreciate it!
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