AbsentFriend

Since I've set more boundaries with my parents, it has begun falling on my younger brother, Kevin, to meet their needs instead.

Apart from my own issue of trying keep my own ACA thoughts at bay - "I should be protecting my brother, if I hadn't been so selfish, he wouldn't be in this position" - how can I show him that he doesn't have to sacrifice his own life to caretake them? I fear that just living in that house, he is breathing in the dysfunction and depression without a second thought or awareness that his own anxiety is coming from an external source and that he can escape it. :codiepolice

Our youngest brother, Todd, lives in his own apartment, thank God, but much closer to them than I am. He has his share of existential guilt and anger, but he functions better because his temperament was always more coarse than sensitive. He also went through his own period of depression, hit bottom rather quickly, and has grown a lot personally in the last year or so.

Todd reports that Dad literally hasn't left the house in a month (the brakes on his car were rusted). Mom went on a trip with her sister and sister's husband, but brought 2 bottles of whiskey (in addition to the wine and champagne provided with the meals) and went back to relying on Kevin physically as soon as she got back - just out of habit and emotional neediness than any physical ailment. Neither of them has eaten anything besides takeout. They send Kevin out for food and cigarettes. Probably booze, too. Both of their memories are failing, and it's not yet because of old age. Dad has emphysema and glaucoma, Mom can't understand why her "colds" last a month or more.

Kevin graduated college last year and hasn't worked at all. He has some depression and anxiety - more than he lets on, I think - that has been coming and going since high school. Despite his current circumstances, he has been weaning himself off his medication, and has never had a substantial amount of therapy. Neither Todd nor I can afford to help Kevin financially, and I've repeatedly offered to help Kevin find a job, sending him sample resumes and links to job search websites. I also ask him to come visit me (I'm 2 states away), thinking at least a temporary reprieve could shift his awareness.

I am pissed at my parents for continuing to do this. Is there such a thing as an ACA intervention? Would it be appropriate to talk to neighbors and extended family?

Bernadette

Wow - heavy situation.
What does your brother say about this living arrangement?
Has he asked you or anyone else for help?
Can you share what you know about ACOA with him?
Would he ever read up about it or go to an AlAnon meeting?
It's a heartbreaker no doubt. I don't know what to think as far as your feelings of guilt. Guilt is such a toughie! Just because you have been able to get on with your own life doesn't mean you are responsible for your brother's life. I mean - we can all intellectually agree with that but to FEEL that...hmmmmmm, that is hard!
If you have told him point blank that the way he is living and enabling your parents is really upsetting to you and you have offered him help....well then you've done a lot and HE has to make a move...be gentle with him and yourself...remind him he is free to choose HIS life just like you and your other brother have and that you'll do (a, b, or c. whatever is acceptable to you) to help him make a move...and then I guess you have to let it go...big hug and hope you find some peace with this soon...
B.

Growing

I, too have a brother who is still at home...I worry about him...I have survivors guilt...but I know there is nothing I can realistically "do"....he is very withdrawn...he has expressed cynicism toward 12 steps...I know it has to come from "inside him" the same as it happened for me. I think I will share acoa with him at some point...but I don't expect much since he has expressed negative opinions about 12 step work.

I know that, for me, I would just make myself "crazy" and would get drawn into "crazy-making behavior" because that is what I do as a codependent. I try to "save" only the most "deserving" individuals....I just ended a stint trying to "save" a young widow with two toddlers....she was deserving, right?....Well the end result of me trying to help her for two years was that 1. Her situation was/is unchanged. 2. My life became unmanageable again...I hit another bottom. I gave up my life for hers. She didn't make me do this...I did it to myself. As a codependent...I *want* to neglect myself. This is my sickness or disease. I must remain aware of it to avoid its temptations.

So from my experience...I must not repeat this with my brother. I love him and I always want to have a relationship with him...but he has to want recovery for himself. I hope he will remember that I was always there to hang out as a sister and friend....but I never pressured him for recovery.

I had to go "no contact" with my widow relative to save myself from myself....I don't want to repeat that negative cycle with my brother.