First post, what's my deal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2
First post, what's my deal?
I am an adult daughter of an alcoholic mother. I am married to a wonderful man, have one daughter and another on the way. Once again, after a weekend with my folks and mom opening a beer at 8:30am, I am finding myself searching for answers. Is it a common characteristic for an ACOA to be easily angered or annoyed? Lately it seems I have every reason in the world to be happy, and just can't seem to get there. My husband does one thing and it will RUIN my day. A stranger will do something and it will RUIN my day. Why can't I let go of things, why can't I just be happy? Is this an underlying anger that I have towards my mom....or something else?
I would appreciate any insight or suggestions.
Thank you.
I would appreciate any insight or suggestions.
Thank you.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by SECB 
and another on the way.
But hormones change when a baby is on the way yes? Could that maybe be a part of it?
When my mom was pregnant is when she wouldn't drink as much and also when she was in her best spirits. The hormone change did her good. Maybe why there were 11 of us *LOL*
On the other hand...My wife would get moody from time to time but never anything that would last.
As for seeing my mom with a beer at 8:30 AM...even at a young age I would just shake my head and learned to stay out of her way. (self preservation)
I don't know if I have learned to control the anger so it is now just a point of being upset/disapointed when I see such because the only times I find myself getting angry now is when someone crosses a boundary and I let myself get more upset by their actions. (still working on that)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
SECB,
Have you ever talked to a counselor or a therapist about the stuff you've just told us? I had a similar fly-off-the-handle mode a few years ago, jeez, even little stuff would convince me that life was over, and just the fact of some skilled person sitting down and asking me questions, talking me through things, LISTENING to me and letting my mind bring up the right answers.....that helped me more than I could ever explain.
It may be the ACoA part of you grating on you, or it may just be you. I don't think we can know that out here. I know that until I resolved my issues with my alcoholic parents, I was horribly unhappy every time I had to be exposed to their poison, even for a little while. I mean....not to be personal but....do you really WANT to be around your drunken mother, or do you do it because you think you should? Are you still walking on eggshells around her? Are you keeping a lot inside, and taking it out on the people in your life?
Just a few good questions to maybe ask yourself. Best's is probably a good and logical question too, but if you want me to hit him for you I will
(just kidding Best)
Have you ever talked to a counselor or a therapist about the stuff you've just told us? I had a similar fly-off-the-handle mode a few years ago, jeez, even little stuff would convince me that life was over, and just the fact of some skilled person sitting down and asking me questions, talking me through things, LISTENING to me and letting my mind bring up the right answers.....that helped me more than I could ever explain.
It may be the ACoA part of you grating on you, or it may just be you. I don't think we can know that out here. I know that until I resolved my issues with my alcoholic parents, I was horribly unhappy every time I had to be exposed to their poison, even for a little while. I mean....not to be personal but....do you really WANT to be around your drunken mother, or do you do it because you think you should? Are you still walking on eggshells around her? Are you keeping a lot inside, and taking it out on the people in your life?
Just a few good questions to maybe ask yourself. Best's is probably a good and logical question too, but if you want me to hit him for you I will
(just kidding Best)
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I know I can relate to your post 100%. I became much less angry when I joined alanon...I am going to be getting a job soon...I have been a stay at home wife and mother...I am looking forward to paying for and finding a good counselor so I can work through things like GiveLove suggested.
I remember being a very happy go lucky, loving child...but angry is how I could define most of my teenage and adult life. I grew to hate my alcoholic father...I used my anger growing up...the problem with hating and constantly being angry with my father....and having little respect for my mother (both A's) is that I found other "prime targets" for my anger as well...I found plenty of people worthy of my anger and dislike...I was a bit of a misanthrope. This was how I chose to cope.
I can remember thinking...if it weren't for having my son...I would be in some sort of institution by now...because of my anger. All three of my siblings have anger issues too. Our anger manifests itself by over-reacting and then "running off at the mouth" saying things we later regret...sometimes at high decibels!! LOL I laugh now...but it really isn't funny...but I am forgiving myself and asking others to forgive me.
The first real relief I got from anger was after I went to 6 alanon meetings...starting to sort through my issues...relying on a Higher Power and asking Him to help me with the anger...admiting things to someone I could trust...journaling...12 step meetings and SR have all helped me so much...I am not that angry person who dislikes everyone anymore.
I remember being a very happy go lucky, loving child...but angry is how I could define most of my teenage and adult life. I grew to hate my alcoholic father...I used my anger growing up...the problem with hating and constantly being angry with my father....and having little respect for my mother (both A's) is that I found other "prime targets" for my anger as well...I found plenty of people worthy of my anger and dislike...I was a bit of a misanthrope. This was how I chose to cope.
I can remember thinking...if it weren't for having my son...I would be in some sort of institution by now...because of my anger. All three of my siblings have anger issues too. Our anger manifests itself by over-reacting and then "running off at the mouth" saying things we later regret...sometimes at high decibels!! LOL I laugh now...but it really isn't funny...but I am forgiving myself and asking others to forgive me.
The first real relief I got from anger was after I went to 6 alanon meetings...starting to sort through my issues...relying on a Higher Power and asking Him to help me with the anger...admiting things to someone I could trust...journaling...12 step meetings and SR have all helped me so much...I am not that angry person who dislikes everyone anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2
Thank you, everybody for your replies. Ha yes, I have definitely told myself mostly to get past this first trimester and then reevaluate. A lot of the anger issues I'm afraid will still hold true. My husband and I discuss my mom's drinking, but he can only help so much. No, I do not want to be around my mother, but I also am nowhere near beginning a process of removing her from my life. I would rather put up with the drinking than to devastate her like that (not normal, I know). Yes, still walk on eggshells around her, and YES...my biggest fear: that I am taking out all this anger on people around me: my husband. I hate it, yet I can't stop myself. Sounds like I definitely could benefit from a meeting or two, or twelve.
Any books you all could recommend that would perhaps get on the road towards moving past all this anger and resentment and just getting on with my life?
Thank you again.
Any books you all could recommend that would perhaps get on the road towards moving past all this anger and resentment and just getting on with my life?
Thank you again.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
One Day At A Time and Courage to Change are the two books I have from alanon. I highly recommend them and meetings. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is great!
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
All of these books are about detaching in love, in one way or another. That is how I moved past my anger. If I was still involved with an active A that made me angry...without detaching....I would still be just as angry if not worse. So I had to be willing to detach...and then only detach to a degree that was comfortable to me...and those "degrees" have changed over the years.
Instead of sharing our anger appropriately...we take that anger out on ourselves and our loved ones. So instead of "devastating her like that" you are devastating yourself in different ways. No one has to be devastated! It doesn't have to be this way. I learned here on SR that this is "black and white" thinking. But there are shades of grey. You can make babysteps to set boundaries with her. You can detach in love...you don't have to go no contact with her...just breaking the silence a little will help so much. Then you may feel better about taking care of yourself...you don't have to feel guilty about needing to care for yourself and your husband and children.
Your mom continues to drink...isn't that mildly devastating to you? The alcoholic behaves how they see fit...but we walk on eggshells? I speak from experience. I hope you will make even subtle changes to create a more serene life for yourself. You deserve it!
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
All of these books are about detaching in love, in one way or another. That is how I moved past my anger. If I was still involved with an active A that made me angry...without detaching....I would still be just as angry if not worse. So I had to be willing to detach...and then only detach to a degree that was comfortable to me...and those "degrees" have changed over the years.
Instead of sharing our anger appropriately...we take that anger out on ourselves and our loved ones. So instead of "devastating her like that" you are devastating yourself in different ways. No one has to be devastated! It doesn't have to be this way. I learned here on SR that this is "black and white" thinking. But there are shades of grey. You can make babysteps to set boundaries with her. You can detach in love...you don't have to go no contact with her...just breaking the silence a little will help so much. Then you may feel better about taking care of yourself...you don't have to feel guilty about needing to care for yourself and your husband and children.
Your mom continues to drink...isn't that mildly devastating to you? The alcoholic behaves how they see fit...but we walk on eggshells? I speak from experience. I hope you will make even subtle changes to create a more serene life for yourself. You deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by SECB
Thank you, everybody for your replies. Ha yes, I have definitely told myself mostly to get past this first trimester and then reevaluate. A lot of the anger issues I'm afraid will still hold true. My husband and I discuss my mom's drinking, but he can only help so much. No, I do not want to be around my mother, but I also am nowhere near beginning a process of removing her from my life. I would rather put up with the drinking than to devastate her like that (not normal, I know). Yes, still walk on eggshells around her, and YES...my biggest fear: that I am taking out all this anger on people around me: my husband. I hate it, yet I can't stop myself. Sounds like I definitely could benefit from a meeting or two, or twelve.
Any books you all could recommend that would perhaps get on the road towards moving past all this anger and resentment and just getting on with my life?
Thank you again.
Any books you all could recommend that would perhaps get on the road towards moving past all this anger and resentment and just getting on with my life?
Thank you again.
The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life (Paperback)
by Les Carter (Author)
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 80
SECB,
I can tell you that other peoples' behavior affects me a lot. Like, if someone says something to me, especially if it's out of anger, I'll be shaken to the core for the rest of the day.
Classically, I am afraid of others' anger, and I have not expressed my anger - or many other feelings or preferences - much at all. So that's my story.
It's only been lately - in the past six months or so, through reading and therapy - that I realize that I don't need to take what other people do so seriously. I don't have to listen to and be afraid of angry people.
Anyway; that's another topic. All I really wanted to say is that I can be affected by what people do, a lot. It's a codependency/dependency thing, I think.
I can tell you that other peoples' behavior affects me a lot. Like, if someone says something to me, especially if it's out of anger, I'll be shaken to the core for the rest of the day.
Classically, I am afraid of others' anger, and I have not expressed my anger - or many other feelings or preferences - much at all. So that's my story.
It's only been lately - in the past six months or so, through reading and therapy - that I realize that I don't need to take what other people do so seriously. I don't have to listen to and be afraid of angry people.
Anyway; that's another topic. All I really wanted to say is that I can be affected by what people do, a lot. It's a codependency/dependency thing, I think.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by SECB
[...] YES...my biggest fear: that I am taking out all this anger on people around me: my husband. I hate it, yet I can't stop myself. Sounds like I definitely could benefit from a meeting or two, or twelve.
Any books you all could recommend that would perhaps get on the road towards moving past all this anger and resentment and just getting on with my life?
Any books you all could recommend that would perhaps get on the road towards moving past all this anger and resentment and just getting on with my life?
, I'd like to be guided by an experience of yours, if that's OK.I had a counselor suggest to me that anger may be a sign that we have a need that is not being met. I have found this idea to be very useful in working through my feelings and thoughts.
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
For me, my anger is a predictable response to a boundary of mine being crossed. The more it happens, the angrier I get.
The thing I am learning to change is to not stop short at merely vocalizing my boundary, but actually enforcing it (by leaving the situation, for example, as opposed to expecting other people to start respecting my boundaries).
The thing I am learning to change is to not stop short at merely vocalizing my boundary, but actually enforcing it (by leaving the situation, for example, as opposed to expecting other people to start respecting my boundaries).
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