PaperDolls

There've been quite a few posts here in the ACOA forum so I started thinking......

I always thought I was different in some way then other ACOA's because it was different in my house. There was no drunken fights, broken promises, abuse, death......etc..... I didn't have it as bad as some. I think I was even embarrassed to say I was effected by it after hearing horrible stories. But recently, over the last year, I've started remembering how young I was when I would tell my mom she shouldn't bring her drink with her when she was driving us to swim practice or learning about drugs & alcohol in school and crying because I knew my mom was slowly killing herself, asking my mom for help with my own drinking problem and not getting any. I had forgotten that stuff.

So, may be even though I don't have horrible stories from my childhood, may be I was effected by the alcoholism in my family. May be I am the same as you.

Growing

I think we all have alot in common no matter how screwed up it was or wasn't.

Funny....I feel the same way about people who say their alcoholic mother, father, brother or sister were "the best, most loving, most caring person and my best friend".

But, I'm guessing...a loving/caring relationship with an alcoholic carries its own burdens..as well.

Its just nice to know that acoa places like this are here for us to get to know ourselves, how we were affected and to get to know eachother.

Astro

I don't really have any horrible stories from my childhood Jen, the meanest thing my parents did to me was to tell me they loved me. What an awful way to grow up, right? We went on family trips together, had BBQ's with other families, so by all outward appearances we were your normal All-American family. My parents did fight, and while doors got slammed and there were other dramatic scenes, I never witnessed any physical abuse.

But lately I've started to recall (with the help of sobriety, CoDA, and a therapist) some things that aren't quite "normal". I probably learned most of what I know about relationships by observing my parents. So I probably learned how to verbally and mentally abuse women by watching my father in action. I also understand a little about enabling and codependancy by thinking about how my late mother allowed him to treat her like that. And it's interesting that my parents (both alcoholics) allowed me to start drinking at a very young age. I guess they thought it was cute and acceptable and never knew that I would become an addict. Later on in life they were my drinking partners, and to this day my father still has a hard time believing that I'm an alcoholic. He still blames much of my issues on my ex wives.

I'm probably not making much sense so I'll stop and see what others have to share. But I do want to say that I'm grateful for the support that Al-Anon and CoDA have given me in my recovery, and I continue to look forward to the journey ahead. While it's painful at times to dig into my family of origin, the healing process is worth the effort.

Scott

PaperDolls

Makes perfect sense to me Astro.

I guess may be the key to this whole thing, is learning about myself. I suppose it's never ending.

Wascally Wabbit

I am the opposite. I had the horror story childhood. But, I did have a friend who had the perfect, alcoholic parents. She had a lot of problems, just like me.
Alcohol affects everyone, maybe not always in such dramatic ways, but it does leave a scar.

TiredMama

I agree here. I had the horror story too but then again, my story isn't "as bad" as others.

I think anyone having to live with an addict is affected, no matter the story.

Growing

I had the horror story too....but the first thing I found out at my first acoa ftf meeting was that there were others stories even worse than mine....made me count my blessings. Strangely, neither I nor my three siblings have become alcoholics.

I have found that, no matter the type of alcoholic upbringing, acoa's can find things that they relate to in the 13 Characteristics and the ACA Bill of Rights.

PaperDolls

I never have gone to an ACOA meeting. May be I should check it out. I don't believe there are many to choose from around here but that's no excuse.

When my mom was actively drinking my sis and I went to one Alanon meeting. I was angry and annoyed by everything. I never did go back. I know it could help ...... I think.

MrsFox

Yes I agree as well...Although I am new here the more I read or listen about this stuff there is always something that makes me say 'wow me too'. Its almost comforting to know that there is someone that understands. I didnt have a "great" childhood, but it wasnt bad either. But to me it seemed like if she would just stop drinking everything would be great. I truley do live by the motto everything happens for a reason and if you are a religious person, that God will not give you more than you can handle. SO for whatever the reason we have been choosen to deal with this.

katie6

I haven't been to this site in a while, but I appreciate your post a lot. I was the same way. I like to tell people that I did not have the "Lifetime movie version" of addict parents. I was always provided for and never homeless or beaten. but it doesn't make the emotional pain any less real. I didn't think it was really a problem for me, and then I started learning more about me. I came across a list of characteristics of ACOA's and was shocked at how many fit me. I went to meetings until my school schedule started to interfere, and again, I was shocked at how many of the things that were said fit me. So even though my childhood wasn't a typical nightmare, there were still some pretty awful repurcussions.

GingerM

The problem with being an ACoA isn't the physical abuse problem. It's the emotional skewing. It's that alcohol warped our world into a chaotic mess which we couldn't make sense of. In some cases, that meant physical abuse, in some cases not.

I can remember, as a child, wishing my mom would just hit me and get it over with - it was easier to take the quick physical outburst than the prolonged guilt tripping bizzare twists of emotional crap. I got both - I much preferred the physical - that was over with quickly.

Just because you didn't get physically abused doesn't mean you didn't have it "as bad". The emotional warping is the real problems, not the physical scars.

PaperDolls

Thanks Ginger ...... and everyone who responded.

Turns out I we really are all the same. Pretty much.

I think my ability to express myself, especially about a sensitive topic/situation, was the most effected. I'm trying to be better at it but I'm not sure how to become comfortable saying what I feel if I think the other person might be upset by it or get their feelings hurt. I cannot stand hurting someone's feelings.

MrsFox

I'm the same way but I guess if we don't say what we mean and mean what we say then it could end up hurting everyone in the end..in some cases ya know. I am trying to do that myself really just say what I feel and if people don't agree or like it sorry but it's what I believe....good luck.

Growing

Sometimes we have to hurt peoples feelings to care for ourselves...especially if a boundary has been crossed. If we can't hurt peoples feelings then we can't care for ourselves and be our own defender. This is how I was stunted emotionally. I couldn't hurt peoples feelings...so I hung myself out to dry instead of the person who harmed me.