Stephanie

There are so many emotions going through me, it's hard to desipher them. i don't even know if they are emotions or feelings but after having my parents here for a week, i was left with so many issues churning in my mind. They are not issues of the past but rather issues of the future. How am I going to handle everything. I don't even want to explain what everything is. I have always lived far away from my prents and we never really had to be real with eachother in my adult years. i think we all like it better that way. We are all so codependent we don't like to worry eachother about anything so it's always great and we had so much fun. When they stay here and we're together for so long, stuff just comes up and when they move here it all just going to be here in front of me.

I feel like such a failure when they are around and I act like an idiot. Sometimes they are judgeing and sometimes it's just me thinking they are. Regardless we are all so codependent we're always reading eachothers minds and reacting without the other person saying anything and we're always getting it wrng. My father keeps trying to help me and I think he's saying i can't do anything and I react with let me do it, I can do it and then he feels like he can never do anything right and everyone's upset.

I feel so overwhelmed emotionally. It's like i have too many strong feelings where my parents are concerned and I don't want to find out why. So much of it is fear.

My grandfather is dying and I am just so upset. He's 92 and had a good life but the overwhelming sadness I have has to do with my whole family, not just him. Today my dad said he's slipping. He says it's so hard to watch him fade away. He said there is no joy left in him at all and he's given up. I hate the feeling that my father is going through this. He says he is so depressed.

I just keep crying and I don't fully understnd where all this fear and sadness is coming from. It is most predominantely fear. I thought if I wrote it down I would come to some conclusions. It seems I wrote more about my feeling about my parents more than my grandfather.

I want to go home and see him but my father keeps saying that he wishes he didn't have to see him in this state. He just wants to remember him how he was. He keeps advising me not to come. What do you do?

Can anyone make sense of this or relate? Maybe I'll read it tomorrow when the cloud fades and it will make more sense.

2stop

(((((STEPHANIE)))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad today. I know that alot of times one emotionally jarring thing tends to color everything sad. Especially true with family I believe! I am really sorry to hear about your grandpa, I would have to say if you are able it might help him and you to see him, I know many just want to remember the "way they were" and I respect that, but I also know how special it is to be able to say goodbye to your grandpa, even in the worst of conditions. My grandpa was abused by a nursing home and he had 5 different fractures in his right arm and shoulder and his entire right side was bruised, he died within two weeks of the injury, but the time I was able to spend with him during then was so important! We can learn so much from our grandparents, and I know my grandpa taught me the greatest lesson of all that no matter what happens to us we can bear it and we can do so with dignity and grace. He never once said an unkind word about the people that did such cruelty to him, and he was so patient and kind to all no matter the pain. I know it's hard to feel all our emotions sober, it's downright scary!! Just say a prayer and ask your HP to guide to the right decisions on how to deal with these feelings all at once, and if you can go see your grandpa, you might come away the better for it. I will have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Gypsygirlmom

Stephanie,

Sounds like you're having a rough time of it right now. I seem to have the same problem with communication with my mom, and the miscommunication. Or saying something, but meaning something else then everything is just hard feelings and everyones misunderstood. I'm wondering if perhaps my "wall" of protection is up so high when I am around her...that I am constantly on guard, ready to jump....but then missing what she may be "really" saying. Maybe, I am constantly so used to expecting what her response would have been, that I don't hear what it really "is". and this just leaves everyone edgy. I don't know...I'm just rambling here, becuz I have so many issues with her. I just can't relax and be me...why??....fear...fear of what?...being hurt?, being judged, critisized? Stay in today, don't worry about tomorrow, next week or next yr. It will take care of itself. Just take care of today and do the best you can for this one day.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. My grandma is like 86, and her husband is 90 - something. We've had many scares. And I guess his family is moving them into a retirement home now. The only thing I would say to you about this Stephanie is that if you want to see him...then go. Don't not go because of what someone else said, because you will end up regretting it later. Just my opinion.

I know I get myself so worked up sometimes, that when the event is over, it is such a letdown and the emotions come pouring out. I know you mentioned before getting anxious when your parents come to visit. The relief that it is over?

I think I brought alot of my fears with me from my childhood. It is so difficult to try and decipher why I am reacting w/this particular fear, or where it is really coming from, or am I reacting today with an emotion from the past?

********{Tons of Hugs to you}}}}}

Stephanie

Wow, 2stop...I think your story convinced me to go see him. I was planning a trip for mid July but I think I need to go sooner. That story about your grandfather was very powerful. We really can learn a lot from grandparents. Unfortunately my father says my grandfather is pretty angry. He can't explain why. He's just sort of losing touch with reality.

I don't want to ever have to see my parents like that. I don't think I could ever go through it sober.

I think I just bottom-lined myself. Self centered fear. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic


quote from Gypsygirlmom
______________________

I think I brought alot of my fears with me from my childhood. It is so difficult to try and decipher why I am reacting w/this particular fear, or where it is really coming from, or am I reacting today with an emotion from the past?
_______________________

This sums it up so well for me Lisa and the confusion of it all is such an emotional rollercoster for me it is overwhelming. It's interesting though that when I don't see them for some time, none of this stuff is on my mind. Then I spend a week with them and BOOM it's what it's all about. I even consciously stayed away from this forum a few weeks before their arrival and refused to even read any of the posts during their visit.

2stop

((((STEPHANIE))))

I hope you're feeling better today, I know it all seems and feels like such a heavy load. I will be praying for you and your family.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Heavens

Dear sosad,

Part of my personal program is to refrain from giving advice, but to try to relate similar personal experience and share, and hope that others can benefit somehow. I really benefit from hearing others share.

Anyway, all of my grandparents were dead before I was one.
Except my maternal grandmother. She died in her late seventies.
I know she suffered from dementia, and it runs in my Mom's family, but I don't know too much, since I was so little. Both my grandfathers died in their forties of some sort of attack of the cardiovascular system. I don't know too much about my paternal grandmother's death, although there is history that my late Aunt Lila left me that I could read, and I think you have motivated me to do. My sister died in January of 1991, and was born in 1957. She was suffering from some sort of hallucinegenic, psychotic depression. She had been in and out of the hospitals three times in the last six months before she died. At Christmas that year, one of the in-laws commented that she should not be allowed to be around my nieces, who were then just small children. "It just wasn't normal" was the refrain. My sister ended up in the hospital anyway. I think that was the pit of her depression. Well, I don't know how much she could understand about what we said to her or around her, or how we acted, (she would go in and out of semi-catatonia to all out catatonia) but I always felt like compassion and love would get through somehow. She committed suicide by swallowing a bottleful of pills prescribed for her. She knew enough to do that.

Then my brother died in 1999, the day before New Year's Eve. Periocarditis -- a viral heart infection of some sort, they said. I was very glad to have just spent a wonderful Christmas with him. My Dad died in 2001. Four months after my divorce from my alcoholic spouse of 23 years. My parents were both alcoholics.

Now it is just my Mom and I, from my childhood family. I still have five great kids and a Grandson. Even after all of that, it is difficult at times to feel the positive feelings I wish I would feel all of the time for my Mom, since I know I cannot control my feelings, although thoughts affect them. I just try to think of as many positive things about my Mom as I can. We have had some major disagreements in our lives -- her alcoholism, her denial of it, my committing her to the state mental hospital when I was 24, and her rejection of me and my unborn child when I was pregnant at age fifteen. I try to do the work on the feelings and the past, but otherwise focus on the positive things about my Mom. And there are many. She has always has an amazing ability to be a loyal friend to anyone she has ever had any social contact with. She never fails to return a phone call, a letter, a card, a meal, you name it, she does it, when she is sober. Which, since she is a binge drinker, is the majority of the time. I have been trying to learn from her example there.

Our two situations are very different, but my Dad was sick for a very long time before he died. He had heart problems, arthritis, alcoholism, depression. But I know he loved me, and I know he knows (I believe that souls live eternally) I love him.

Thanks for reminding me to pay more attention. I think I will go see my Mom and read some of the writings my Aunt Lila wrote -- both my Dad and my Mom's sisters and brothers are all gone except Aunt Flora, who is suffering from dementia. Mom and Dad were both the youngest of eight children. Mom is very lonely since Dad died.

Let us know how you are doing and take care!

Nancy

:kisshug:

2stop

Stephanie, how are you doing today? Hope all is well.

Hugz,
Tammie

Morning Glory

Stephanie,

I'm sorry you're sad. I've experienced life stages that are just apart of growing older I think. I know I grew past my parents. They didn't adjust to my changes. They stopped and I kept going. More and more they didn't know who I was. It felt really lonely and I started withdrawing more and more because I couldn't be who they thought I was. I couldn't fit in that mould anymore. So part of my family just makes up who I am.

I have also been triggered lately and struggling with these two roles. I can't be free until I break out of them. I keep repeating a pattern in my life. See if they fit for you? It seems like every area of my life right now is digging up these emotions that stem from a role I'm still playing. I'm really angry that I keep playing the role, but haven't found my way out yet.

Hugs,
MG

Adjuster: In order to cope with the chaos of their families, these children learn to adjust in inappropriate ways. They learn never to expect or to plan anything. They often strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat. As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.

Placater: These children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role, they often choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.

Heavens

Dear Stephanie,

I was just thinking today about how, when the server was down, your postings and your little moon that winked and kissed stood out so memorably in my mind [which is no small feat, I can tell you], and I missed them so much. They have meant alot to me. They have been so encouraging. I wish I could encourage you more...knew the right things to say...

Thinking of you...

Nancy

Stephanie

(((((Nancy))))) That is so sweet...thank-you and Tammie, thank you too. Your concern really means a great del to me. Actually Tammie, I kept thinking of you when the boards went down because you had just relapsed and got back on the ball. I'm glad you're OK.

I have been really busy, which is one of the ways I avoid having to really deal with anything. I wrote this message the night the board went down and I was almost relieved. It felt good to write it but I didn't know how much thought I wanted to put into it. Just thinking of my parents...I don't think of the joy, I think of the things where I feel guilt and fear and pain.

MG, thank you for your post.....I am the placater through and through. I have taken on the responsibility of doing all of the emotional work for my family. I feel as if it is all my job to make sure everyone is OK. I do this at the expense of taking care of myself. I do it in my life too. For example, I am having a huge party tomorrow for the moms club and all the kids. I joined the moms club so my kids could play with kids their age. Ironically, I found myself running around today like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything ready and "perfect" and I noticed myself being short with the kids, putting on a video for them because I was so busy. When the very reason I am doing moms club is for the well being of my kids. I take on too much and make everything my responsibility. I have no idea why.

I remember my other grandfather lived in Boston. I was in CA in school in the height of my addiction. My boyfriend lived in Boston and when I went to visit him, I visited my grandfather and he was in really bad shape. He had cancer and it was in remission but when I saw him it was clearly back. He lived alone with no other family in the area. My mother was doing the same thing with him that we all do. How is everything, oh fine....everything is great. It's almost like if you didn't acknowledge it, it didn't exist. I went back to CA and called my mom and told her she needed to go there and get him and bring him somewhere he could live with assistance. She would say, well I just talked to him, everything is fine. She kept trying to tell me he was OK. Keep in mind I am close to my bottom at this point and I just let my mother have it. I told her that if she didn't go to Boston and go get him then I was going to get him and bring him to the West Coast. That was the only time I could ever think of that I held my mother accountable and was able to stand up to her. It was only because he needed help but so did I so there was no way I could have taken care of him.

By the way, I made plans to go see my grandfather that I was talking about in my first post.

2stop

((((STEPHANIE))))

Good to hear from ya!! Thank you for thinking of me, I am doing okay.

I know how hard it is to work through family issues. And I am like you, I'll take on everything and feel responsible for everyone and how they feel. It drive sme insane, but I think we do it out of fear. that if we can control everything in our lives the pain won't be so bad, and we'll be prepared for anything. Just hang in there sweetie, take it in small steps.

So glad you'll be visiting your grandfather. I miss mine so much but i know he's right beside in spirit cheering me on and showing me by his example that I can handle any situation no matter how cruel and painful it may seems, I can turn lemons into lemonade..I know it's a tacky saying, but it's so true really!!


Hope you're day is getting off to a good start!!!!!!


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

JT

Ya know...I know we are in the ACOA forum but I have found that the years I have spent in Alanon haved help me resolve alot of the stuff being talked about here. And also as MG said some might just be life stages attached to my age.

I simply do not have the time or the energy to take on any issues but my own. And I have become pretty astute at determining where my responsibilty lies. I think logically at the potential outcome of my actions and how they will affect ME. Will I feel good later or will I have regret?

This thinking can apply to my parents, husband, son, boss, co-worker or the guy driving slow and making me late. It works really well for me.

Tammie...stick with your program and one day at time you too can find peace amid the storm.

Hugs,
JT

Heavens

Dear Stephanie:

Good to hear from you again. Good that you recognize when you are doing to much. Reminds me of the time my now [gorgeous] twenty-year-old son was a baby and I was leading the youth fellowship at my church. I had taken on way too much to have a toddler, too. I didn't even have a child of the age of the youth group! I remember my pastor scolding me for not taking the kids to the spiritual retreat that is held annually. When I offered an excuse, mainly that I really did not know it was expected, that I thought it was optional, since I had never done the job before and really didn't know the expectations, his response was why did I think I had to do all of this alone? Good point, Reverend! As an overresponsible codependent, it never occurred to me to ask for help. Not that that would have solved my problems. But I did learn not to take on so much. The asking for help is much tougher. I still resist it, as it often seems to be a waste of time...

I was reading some of your posts on the Christian recovery forum. How true it is that prayer is powerful in healing and getting strength for dealing with daily issues. The clock thing is right on.

Well, my little boy, Ben, one of the 9 yo twins, just woke up and called me. Gotta go!

Nancy

Heavens

Dear Stephanie,

If you don't have any leads that you already know of, don't go looking, but if you know of any safe forums for victims of violence, please share with me. I am looking...I am thinking about using the Christian Recovery forum, since it seems safe, but I don't know. It has been six months since I fled from my ex-boyfriend, and most of the time I just want to try to get it off my mind, but sometimes I have things come up that I need to talk about. Like today, I get a call from the solicitor's office saying that his attorney is keeping some of my belongings that I had at his house at his office, and he needs me to come and get them. All the emotions flood back. Whaddya think?

Nancy

(I could find someone who is willing to sponsor me and send private messages, huh?)

margo

((((((((((Steph)))))))))) I only just saw your post today (I haven't been to ACoA for a while - LOL!) and I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you were feeling so bad and I didn't come in and send you some hugs and some love. I hope you're doing better today. Being with parents can make us pretty crazy - I know, having just spent time with both my parents in Edmonton (they've been divorced for 28 years and my dad is still holding grudges - aaaarrrrgggghhh!) so I think I can relate a bit to how you feel. Being with our parents can bring up some powerful stuff - all the unresolved things that happened that we're still not able to bring to their attention. At least, I can't. I don't want to hurt anyone. Do you know what I mean?

Maybe you are taking some of these feelings on when you shouldn't be - perhaps some of things that happened in your past makes you want to show your parents even more how you have changed and how capable you are now, and maybe you see your dad's offer to help to mean that he doesn't have any faith in your abilities. I don't think that's the case, Steph. Your parents only have to look around to see how far you've come and what you've accomplished and made of your life.

Also, it could be that your grandfather being close to death is reminding you of your own parents mortality, and that is always hard to face and accept and could be triggering some of the sadness that you are feeling. If you want to go and see your grandfather, you do what you feel is right in your heart. JT is so right when she has said not to create any more regret if you can help it (or words to that effect, anyway!).

Sending you many hugs, Steph - I do hope that this is all getting a bit easier for you. And thank you for thinking of me when you had all this going on.

Love you Steph!

Stephanie

Hi Nancy,

I was going to recommend the PTSD board. MG is very knowledgeable about that stuff and is so helpful. I see that you have already posted there quite a bit before. I would recommend asking her the question you asked me....she knows all the different web-sites for the issue you're inquireing about.

God bless

Morning Glory

Nancy,

I found this active forum that might help.

Hugs,
MG

http://rhiannon31.community.everyone...s/directory.pl

Heavens

Thanks so much for responding, Stephanie. I will try posting the question at PTSD and also the site you suggest. Hope you have a good day today, Just for Today.

"Just for Today I will try to live through this day only and not try to takle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours [or seconds] that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.."
Alanon Literature

Moment by moment, day by day, recovery succeeds.

"Success by the yard is hard, but success by the inch is a cinch."
Laura Griffin

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where here is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master grant that I many not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." [Because we are all God's children. What we do unto our brother or sister, we do unto ourself]
Al-Anon literature
[I know this is the prayer of a Saint, but don't remember the name -- anyone know, so I can give proper credit? Was it St. Francis]?

[

2stop

Yes that is the prayer of ST. Francis, I have it on my fridge, I absolutely love it!!


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Stephanie-How are you doing? Hope you're okay.((HUGS))

Stephanie

Nancy, I hope that forum that MG posted is helpful to you and Tammie....thanks so much for asking. I am actually doing much better. I have a trip home scheduled for July 12. It's in two weeks. I had to work around my sisters schedule because she is going to help me fly with both babies.

My grandfather has hospice now. I guess that's a good thing. He has someone to talk to. Going home is going to be really hard. I don't do well with watching someone die. I did it a lot because I used to work in a nursing home but with family it's like all the emotional baggage comes rising to the top.

The reason I am doing much better in terms of this issue is that my parents have decided to take a cruise to London for a vacation. I just know it has something to do with everything going on. I think they are reacting in a healthy way. I can't remember the last time they went on a vacation. It will be so good for them. They have really had one stressful thing happen after another. I was just so worried about my dad. I called the other day and I just know he was crying. He would never tell me but I could tell.