Newbie and My father won't speak to me
 

I never thought I would ever say that I am a child of an alcoholic. My father has developed into a alcoholic over the past 2 years. Now he is isolated himself from our whole family. He drinks all day, and sometimes drives intoxicated. I have learned how to be the lost child at family functions. My mother until just recently has been an enabler. She has just recently done some research of her own and and admitted my father is an alcoholic.

I have become so upset, that I reached out to my extended family. My uncle and my grandfather have confronted my father. Now he will not speak to me. I am so mad at him, but at the same time can not shake the guilt. I have remained strong, and have my boyfriend and tons of family support. I just am so scared that my father is going to die. He has not gone to the Dr in two years. He is always red in the face and complains about aches and pains. He try's to quit, but after a few days starts again. He has now switched to vodka, and is drinking cups of it at night.

I guess I just need some support on how to deal with the guilt and shame. I am new to the forum, and have decided to try and go to a Alanon meeting, however, I am scared to death. I am trying to create my own family, my boyfriend is a big support for me. My sister, bf, and I are now trying to form our own family, so that we are not alone during family functions.

I guess my question is, should I try to talk to him? Should I put myself through more hell?

I know how hard it is to see a loved one do this to them self. There are several members of my family that have gone there. At the moment it's my husband. I used to try to controle his drinking or what he did while he was drinking but now I have learned to detach and that helps a lot.
I'm sorry anyone has to go through this. In my case it was always that wat with my mom and dad and only got worse as the years went by. You need to let go of the guilt. Your not gulity of anything but loving your dad and thats a good thing.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
D

(((BigSheffey))) sending my care and support your way...I am so sorry that your dad is not well. I am praying for your dad, you and your family.

"I never thought I would ever say that I am a child of an alcoholic."
Welcome to SR and this great group of people---acoa's.

"My father has developed into a alcoholic over the past 2 years. Now he is isolated himself from our whole family. He drinks all day, and sometimes drives intoxicated. I have learned how to be the lost child at family functions."

"confronted my father. Now he will not speak to me. I am so mad at him,"

"I just am so scared that my father is going to die. He has not gone to the Dr in two years. He is always red in the face and complains about aches and pains. He try's to quit, but after a few days starts again. He has now switched to vodka, and is drinking cups of it at night."

"go to a Alanon meeting, however, I am scared to death."

I don't know if this helps..but this IS me! This was my dad to a T. Right down to the vodka. I confronted him numerous times growing up. He shut me out as well. My dad became a recluse...lived in his room alone..only left to go to work until he got fired..did odd jobs 2-3 days a week after that..then his downward spiral started going fast at that point. I too am/was the lost child. Family functions were torture. I actually grew to hate my father...got into the program a few years before he died...let my anger/hatred go--*when I was ready*. I forgave him and asked for forgiveness before he died--I wrote him a letter. I was scared of my dad dying...he never went to the doctor..he looked like he was dying...he bled from various places 2-3 years before he died. The last year he was alive, he looked terrible. I, too, was terrified of al-anon.

Al-anon is just one of those things you have to take on faith, and try when you are ready. I didn't want to...but what I was doing already *was not working*. What do you have to lose? I found a family of choice at my al-anon group. They loved me through alot. I don't mean "lovey-dovey" either. I mean SOLID SUPPORT. I liked how not-pushy my group was. We acoa's need that love and understanding so desperately. Al-anon is a healthy way to get those needs met. It was a "smally town, small group, mostly of older people, mostly women" that alot of people complain about! IT STILL WORKS. It is still the program. It is still the literature that we NEED to read. That is my opinion as an acoa with 11yrs in the program. Al-anon isn't "for some special people who are into that sort of thing", in my opinion. I was not "into that sort of thing". I was just like everyone else who DOESN'T want to go.

I am you. We have so much in common as acoa's, that they made the "13 characteristics of ACOA's"...we all have so much in common.

You have a great idea about creating your own family/support system. That is how I begin to heal.

Thank you both for your kind words and support. It feels good to know that others are on my side. My family keeps telling me that I have done the right thing, but now to hear it from all of you, it means more. I am looking forward to the day I will walk into a meeting, my goal is maybe this week, maybe next week. I have a friend that has been involved in Alanon and I have spoken to him a few times about it. I just don't want to go alone.

I am happy I have found this group, because I am always near a computer. It is amazing that so many people are there for you when you need it the most.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

I couldn't have went to my first few meetings alone, either! I went with 2 people.

Good luck in al-anon!

Guilt and Shame are the trademarks of people who are ACOA.

You see, this guilt that we take on is not really ours. It's the alcoholics.
You're father won't speak to you because now that you're on to him, he can't lie to you!
Don't allow yourself to heap mountains of guilt and shame upon yourself for trying to get help.

Alanon can save your life. It will show you how to deal with situations just like yours. You will learn how to rid yourself of the guilt and shame and how to stand up for yourself and not be taken advantage of, all the while being a loving and caring daughter.
You don't even have to say anything at all. You can just sit and listen. You can talk to someone after the meeting if you want. They are all there to help you. Isn't that wonderful? A whole room full of people waiting to help you.
Go ahead and go. It will be worth it.