Kelly_Jones

Today I woke up and I have the most uptight, sad, lonely feeling inside me. Yesturday I spent the day at Chapters reading books on ACOA and I felt really good, then I decided to reward my good day of reading with sharing a picture of beer with my roommate. Today is Fathers Day and I feel totally alone, I could call him but I will be so upset if I hear a drunk voice at the other end. It's a beautiful day, I could go spend it doing something but with who?Sometimes I feel so alone. My boyfreind just left to go to his parents house for fathers day brunch and I couldnt go, I could not get myself to do it. he didn't understand, he knew I did not want to be left alone but at the same time he knew he had to go. We had a big ordeal before he left of me crying. I could not explain to him why I was crying b/c I really do not know. I just was!!!I wish I knew why I get like this when it comes to sharing someone elses family, or why I feel so alone.

JT

Kelly,

It is called isolating and we all do it. It is part of our disease and I still have to fight mY tendency to isolate. Reading ACOA books may be a trigger for you and you have to go there slowly. But if you are in the mood to read a bit more about YOUR disease...pick that as a topic and learn what you can about it.

My best cure is to fight that urge and get out and do things. I am almost always happier when have done so. Since you already passed on the outing...a walk always seems to lift my spirits.

Hugs,
JT

Tiro

Kelly I can identify with what you are experiencing.

I have only recently started to look at my acoa issues and I have to be going very slowly indeed.

One thing I have learned is that Acoa's often have very intense feelings at inappropriate times.

Acoa's who are in chronic shock have emotions bottled up inside them and are powerless over when they will surface.

I will experience anger sadness or fear for no apparent reason and it always used to baffle me.

I could be watching a movie or even having dinner with my family when all of a sudden a sadness would engulf me.

This will always happen to me unless I can resolve some of the issues that are linked to my past.

Hang in there ok.Youare not alone and it helps when we talk about it.

JT

Kelly,

Another thing I thought of is those dreaded holidays. Holidays always got me down and feeling alone. I have a great family of in laws...large and welcoming but that just never made up for my own screwed up lineage. Also my son is an active addict...right now in jail...so the Normal Rockwell holidays are not going to happen anytime soon.

Today I plan my holiday ahead. Mother's Day which used to be painful, I had a trashy novel reading marathon on my patio in a lawn chair. Other mother's day's I have made reservations at a new restaurant and basically told my husband he was taking me. He is good about that sort of thing. Chistmas is always tough but I know it ahead of time and plan for an easy day of old movies or something with the hubby.

For me knowing ahead of time that I am going to feel this way has helped so then I plan a day for myself.

Hugs,
JT

corvettte_angel

Hey--
I can definetly relate. I have a perfect boyfriend who comes from a perfect home and most of the time can't figure out why I am flipping out. Well, I don't always know why I am flipping out either. Somethimes I just cry for no apparent reason or argue with my boyfriend over nothing. A lot of the time he tries to distance himself because he thinks that is what I need, but even though I am pushing him away, I am dying for him to hold me and tell me that he won't let anything hurt me.
Sometimes, I love going over to his house where everyone loves each other and they accept me readily. Other times I get really annoyed with them, trying to find faults in their perfection.
Grrrrr, nothing ever goes the way it is supposed to.
My Dad just quit drinking. It was the first Father's day in years that I think he remembers. I am so scared that this won't last and we will be back to where we were before.
I will pray for you to have stength. I love you! Keep going!
--Ångel

dad's angel

Hi guys, I just thought I'd add a little something. I'm not feeling the greatest today. I sit here in my office, and i swear i could start bawling, trying my hardest not to think of my father, how he never called on fathers day, how he went back to his girlfriend and left his family. How my boyfriend's family is so much more no dysfunctional than mind. How i have pretended, there something much more wrong w/them. Though he doesnt have a father in his life, divorced when he was young. He has a strong mother, and a grandpa, and siblings that care. I dont even have those. I sometimes wonder if I even have my boyfriend? I argue w/him over silly things, things that hurt me, but he finds silly. I've felt so alone, standing next to him recently, that i start to notice he isnt even holding my hand, does that mean he's starting to not love me as much. I ended up making a fool out of myself, last week, when i hung up on him, and he called back to find out what was up, and i was so angry that he went to a friends house instead of home, even though he called and said he had just stopped there. I felt like i want good enough, he didnt want me, i was boring, not pretty, he didnt love me, i was going to get hurt. He tried to calm me down, and explained he was on his way to me right then, but thats not enough, i cant trust him, i cant trust anyone, I am alone. I just want to hide today, I want to cry today. I have cried spontaneously about 5-6x in the last 2 weeks in front of him, sometimes I didnt know why either, just that I was sad, alone, scared. So scared.