Guilt and Fear
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Guilt and Fear
Guilt and Fear
As a child I was always ashamed. Of me, of my parents, of our home, of my family, of who I was. My parents went to great lengths to keep secret their alcoholism, and all the other insane stuff that went on inside the darkness of our evil castle. Being a child, I assumed they were right. I had no other source of truth, so I believed that they were ashamed of _me_.
As an adult, I grew up with that shame inside me. I never had an oportunity to get rid of it. When people gave me compliments I did not believe them If they only knew, they would not say such nice things. If they only knew what I thought of myself, they would not like me.
Now that I have grown a little in my recovery I have come to learn that my parents were _never_ ashamed. They were _not_ ashamed of being drunks, child abusers and pedophiles. That was not _shame_ that kept us hidden away.
It was _fear_.
they were afraid that if anybody found out what they were doing to us children, they would get sent to jail for a long time. They would get their drugs taken away, their pit of safety removed. As a child I misunderstood their fear for shame. Just like I misunderstood many other things.
Today I am not ashamed anymore. Today I understand that shame belongs to my parents, it was _their_ behavior and therefore their shame and fear. Who I am today is the result of what _I_ have done in my life, not the result of what _they_ did. I am learning to be proud of _my_ actions, and _my_ acomplishments. When I find myself echoing those words "If they only knew what I think of myself" I stop myself, and change that evil spell into a healthy one.
"If they only knew what I think.... of my parents.... they would be proud of how much I have acomplished."
Mike
As a child I was always ashamed. Of me, of my parents, of our home, of my family, of who I was. My parents went to great lengths to keep secret their alcoholism, and all the other insane stuff that went on inside the darkness of our evil castle. Being a child, I assumed they were right. I had no other source of truth, so I believed that they were ashamed of _me_.
As an adult, I grew up with that shame inside me. I never had an oportunity to get rid of it. When people gave me compliments I did not believe them If they only knew, they would not say such nice things. If they only knew what I thought of myself, they would not like me.
Now that I have grown a little in my recovery I have come to learn that my parents were _never_ ashamed. They were _not_ ashamed of being drunks, child abusers and pedophiles. That was not _shame_ that kept us hidden away.
It was _fear_.
they were afraid that if anybody found out what they were doing to us children, they would get sent to jail for a long time. They would get their drugs taken away, their pit of safety removed. As a child I misunderstood their fear for shame. Just like I misunderstood many other things.
Today I am not ashamed anymore. Today I understand that shame belongs to my parents, it was _their_ behavior and therefore their shame and fear. Who I am today is the result of what _I_ have done in my life, not the result of what _they_ did. I am learning to be proud of _my_ actions, and _my_ acomplishments. When I find myself echoing those words "If they only knew what I think of myself" I stop myself, and change that evil spell into a healthy one.
"If they only knew what I think.... of my parents.... they would be proud of how much I have acomplished."
Mike
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