Why do I feel this way sometimes?

Old 06-14-2003, 09:11 AM
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Why do I feel this way sometimes?

Does anyone know if what I am about to write has anything to do with the fact that I am a child of an alcoholic?
I am in a serious relationship with someone I met at college, we are going on 1 year and a half. Aside from a break up of 1 month we have spent almost everyday together. He is a great guy with awsome morals and all that but sometimes I just want to let him go, I just feel like something is missing, but I do not want to let go cause I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life regreting that I did so. Also I do not want to be alone, I love knowing that there is someone there for me. I am afraid of how I feel. Sometimes I love him so much, and sometimes I feel like he does not understand me and is always trying to keep me on a straight and arrow...I do not know if I am making any sense. I am 20 years old and I have had a boyfriend since I was 16, I have been single literally for one month since I was 16, I do not know what it is like to not answer to a guy...Does anyone out there know what I am talking about???
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Old 06-14-2003, 08:26 PM
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I only know about me. And in my case I do know that I have always held relationships at arms length. I have a difficult time committing 100% and I think that is because I don't want to be vulnerable. Is that because I am the child of an alcoholic? I have nothing to really compare it to But I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that my father left the marriage and me when I was a teen.

I hope someone else comes along and shares thier experience.

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Old 06-14-2003, 11:22 PM
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Hi Kelly,

Your relationship sounds a lot like my first real relationship. We got together when I was 20. Great guy, together every day, very drama-free relationship. But it felt like something was missing....I definitely didn't want to be alone and apparently neither did he b/c we stayed together 7 years....

I always questioned why he was with me. I was very insecure and was afraid to really be myself, since I was in constant fear of him leaving me. In my case it's a result of growing up with my dad, who was also an alcoholic. I say it that way b/c it was my dad's hot-cold treatment of me that contributed to my fear of rejection, and I'm not sure if his behavior was due to his drinking. (I hope that makes sense!)

So, I know what you're talking about and the fears you have stem from something in your childhood. Whether it's due to the alcoholism you witnessed growing up, I don't know.

Whatever you decide to do about your boyfriend, don't ever be afraid to be by yourself. I think that's when we learn the most about ourselves.

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Old 06-21-2003, 09:19 PM
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Confusion about feelings are one of my characteristics as an ACOA.

Intimacy was often a "missing element" in my relationships because of issues I had with trust and making myself vulnerable to another human being.

Withdrawal,isolation,numbness and denial of my feelings were survival skills that I learned as a child growing up in a dysfunctional environment.

But now these same survival skills that I depended on so much has bore some very bitter fruit in my adult life.

Having a meaninful relationship with another human being is a very deep need I feel inside and yet at the same time I lack the survival skills needed in order to make that relationship flourish.

It is a terrible place for the adult child of an alcoholic to find themself especially after a childhood of misery.

Unresolved childhood issues never go away.I am forty years old and I am just beginning to understand that.They will always come back and haunt my present.

I am on a journey of discovery which is the first part of the recovery process.
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Old 06-25-2003, 05:35 PM
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Hi Kelly,
I found myself in the exact same place you are in when I met my first REAL boyfriend (you know, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince!!) and I felt myself both drawn to him and like I had to keep some kind of distance. To the point where I would do things to make him reject me- but he didn't. And every time I did my little "test" (I did not know what I was doing then, but I do now) and he stayed and treated me well and loved me more than ever, I started to realize that THIS is what love was. Slowly, I realized that what I had gotten from my parents, both As, was not what I should be searching for. I did not have to beg for attention. I was allowed to say what I felt. I would not be punished for being who I was. We learn from our parents what relationships should be. Sometimes they don't teach us the right thing, be it because of their addiction, or perhaps what they were taught. It has taken me many years to allow myself to be vulnerable again- and it is scary, but I am rewarded over and over again by a great relationship with a great man. We have been together for 18 years, married for 12. I hope this helps you, at least that you are not alone. Take good care
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