Cynay

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.
--Oscar Wilde

The mature person eventually forgives his parents. Any adult can look back and see childhood wrongs and unfairness. Many of us were disappointed by our parents, even neglected or hurt by them. We certainly didn't get all we wanted or needed. Yet, upon joining the ranks of adults, we become responsible for ourselves. Every situation has limited choices, and we work with what we've got. As adults, we realize this is exactly where our parents were when we were children. They, too, were born into an imperfect world and had to do the best they could.

When we can forgive our parents, we are free to accept them as they are, as we might a friend. We can accept them, enjoy the relationship, and forget about collecting old debts. Making peace with them imparts to us the strengths of previous generations and helps us be more at peace with ourselves.

I pray for the maturity and the wisdom to be more forgiving of my parents.

appleblaster

That's perfect and exactly where I am. Thank you.

daughter80

Thanks for this post. I too pray for the maturity and wisdom to forgive my mom. Hugs to you.

GingerM

I don't know if I ever forgave my parents so much as I learned to accept them now and in the past. Forgiveness implies that I think they did something wrong. Now I acknowledge that they didn't do anything "wrong" so much as that was just the way they were/are. I have found acceptance and in that acceptance, have found relief from many of the old grudges I carried with me.

familymember

Let's see..I spent 3 years in therapy and plenty years prior to that dealing with the anger and ultimately the pain my father and his addiction cost me. Then, I learned about addiction and realize it wasn't about me. I always thought maybe if I was better, then he would love me. Finally, I have come to accept that he did the best he could, which was by no means good enough.

As an adult, I also realize that I can no longer rationalize or justify my current behavior based on my father's addiction. I must accept responsibility for my actions.

So, I accept him as he is. I realize I have an internal void of where the father I deserved should have been. And, yes, sometimes I even torture myself and watch the movie, "Father of the Bride" and think of what could of been. Then, I spend some time remembering all the other wonderful gifts in my life.
Great post Cynay, thanks for helping me reflect and I pray that you find continue to find the wisdom you need.

Easeful

Beautiful thought. I've forgiven my Mother. She died nine years ago. My Dad? He's never stopped hurting me and to date I've found it very difficult to forgive into the future. But I'm working on it.

Jake-88

I forgive and forgave but people still hurt me.
It dosn't matter anymore wheather I forgive or not.
I can comprehend forgiveness is for my benifit.

I tried to accept people as they are but everyday people, place
and thing gets very strange.

I'm not sure if people do the best as they can or have hidden motives.
All I know is alcoholics are strange, too self absorb (drunk or sober)
to care if they hurt other people or not.

If I forgive a person that cares, it might makesence.
To an alcoholic or addict it's easy come easy go just as long
as they get what they want , when they want it.

Addiction is not about me, however the consequences and wreackage
of addict are about me.

Alcoholic and addicts don't like to hear the truth about the wreackage
and harm they have done due to their carelessness.

Unfortunately being acoa, I'm lead to belive or should feel guilty if
I don't forgive them. They live in a delusions and spins in thier own
mind and to them I'm just another piece of furniture to be used and
abuse. As long as I stay in the spin cycle and forgive them the
insanity of it all continues.

Acceptence is the principle. At what level and how can I apply it to
my recovery is still a bit confusing for me. I been in the spin zone all
my life.

GiveLove

jake,

I found it a lot easier to forgive people once I had moved out and removed myself from their damaging behaviors. I can't change what they choose to do, but I can get away from them so the consequences of their actions don't ruin my life -- so they are no longer the center of my universe.

That gave me some space to start repairing myself. I couldn't do it while I was still forced to have my face right in their lousy behavior every day.

Are you able to physically get away from the pain that's being thrown your way? Can you somehow make it so that YOU control whether you want to talk to them, deal with them or not? (move out, go no-contact, whatever it takes to protect yourself) It doesn't undo what's been done, but it starts the healing process so you can start walking toward a life that doesn't hurt.

Trying to forgive while stuck in it is like trying to heal a wound when something keeps hitting it and making it bleed again. It's almost impossible, imho, unless you're able to develop superhuman detachment from everything going on around you.

With some time and space and protection, it gets easier to start un-doing their damage.....at whatever pace you want, in whatever way helps (forums, therapy, rest, ACoA meetings, journaling, whatever combination of stuff works for you)

Sending you hugs. We all know exactly how you feel......there is hope, though, honest there is.

JT

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about me. I am the only one who is being hurt by carrying around that pain and those resentments. I am not perfect either. I have made mistakes. But I am only able to do the best that I know how to do at the time. That was also true of my mother...and my alcoholic father. My parents were children once and they were also touched by the experiences that they had to thrive in...... or endure. I can only speculate what that might have been because there was not much sharing going on in my house.

Wayne Dyer talks about the wake not driving the boat. The things that have happened in the past are not the forces that drive our lives today. We can choose to move on and forgive those children that grew to be our parents.

((Hugs))

Rella927

This was a very tuff one for me but I can say that my relationship has improved with my mother-I do know that she did the best that she could with the hand that she was dealt. I have forgiven myself and her for many things-it is those few little ones that I have yet to work through-

I keep working my program everyday and I know as long as I keep working it ....

IT WORKS!

And I must say that I love this from Ging Acceptance is something I have achieved with my parents-which is a pretty great gift!

Cynay great post

GiveLove

I agree with that too. After I got some physical distance from them and their behaviors, I spent many years mourning over the fact that they weren't totally different people than what they were. I cried endless tears over not being nurtured, valued, and protected.....by people who were utterly, hands-down, 100% incapable of nurturing, valuing, or protecting anyone, even themselves.

I wish I had back all that time of wishful thinking, or at least had worked through it more quickly and gotten on with the process of focusing on Me instead -- what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of life I wanted to build. That comment about not letting the wake drive the boat is so true.....their actions may have had a role in shaping my path originally, but I'm the one in control as soon as I decide I am.

patchoulli

I forgave my father a few years before his death from alcoholism...I was so terrified and traumatized by him that years would go by without hearing from him and when out of the blue, usually very drunk, he would call and berate my mother. He beat, shamed, tormented and told us all we were worthless pieces of s---. I went to his home, told him I forgave him...he died a few years later, I find myself still dealing with the aftermath growing up in that enviroment caused, I feel sorry for him now, he died a lonely drunk man.