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Something not right.

Old 06-12-2003, 07:57 PM
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Something not right.

I am a recovering addict and a member of the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.I am currently working the Twelve Steps of NA with my sponsor and I have been clean now for more than five years.

Recovery has been very good for me but recently I have been getting these feelings that somehow something just is'nt right.

I recently began reading a book about Acoa's and the book has had a profound effect on me.I spoke with my sponsor and it was suggested that maybe there are issues in my childhood that I need to talk about.

Recovery in NA has taught me the importance of making amends for the wrong I have done to others.But what about the harm that was done to me?

The "Rule of Silence" runs deep in my family and I have always felt that it was wrong or shameful to talk about family issues with outsiders but I believe that this "Silence" and reluctance to even look at certain issues may be responsible for the unexplained feelings of Sadness anger and fear that sometimes jump up out of nowhere.

There are no Acoa meetings where I come from so I am hoping this forum can provide a helpful medium for some of the troubling questions and issues I have about being a child from a dysfunctional family.
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Old 06-13-2003, 07:46 AM
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Tiro -

Hi and welcome to SR.
Your post explains exactly what I am going through also. This forum since it started here and really rocked my memories of my childhood into full swing. Reading this forum has brought up so many things that I forgot, or maybe did not want to remember on purpose.

In discussing these things with my sponsor she had some good points. She explained that with all these things I am remembering, not only am Ihaving to deal with them but also what a spin it sends me in to think that all these years of sobriety I walked around saying and thinking I had the 'normal' childhood. What I am learning now is that I need to grieve. I need to work through things that happened to me and grieve for the years of childhood that I lost. I can't get those years back but I also can't let them hold me down. I - like you have some years in recovery (congrats by the way ) and for me my HP must think it is time for me to deal with this stuff or HE would not have me remembering it.

We don't have to be quiety about this stuff anymore. We can come here and talk and share and learn from others. When my mom had a breakdown when I was about 9 is when (I know now) that my traits of having to make everything okay for everyone started. In a post a few weeks ago when I realized that it was like I had been whacked upside the head with a skillet (not yours JT) and things are changing for me since then. It is stirring up some interesting stuff around my house, but you know what? I was told recently by a wise woman, that the people around me either have to stay in the boat when it is rocking or they have to jump out. We have to take care of ourselves first.

I think I got way off track here with you, sorry, I tend to do that now and then .

I am glad you found SR and I believe that sharing together we can work through this stuff, and we already have a huge advantage....the 12 steps are a working part of our life.

Okay i will stop now.
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Old 06-13-2003, 08:27 AM
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Tiro,

I am glad you found us too. I have been in Alanon for about 10 years and I felt as tho it might be time to dig a liitle deeper. There are some defects in my characture that still trouble me and I think that looking at my family of origin is where I might find some answers.

This seems to be a very hard place to go...I thought it was only me....you would think I would know by now but alot of people seem to stop in here and then have to stay away for a while.

Feel free to visit all the other forums. We look forward to getting to know you!

Hugs,
Jt
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Old 06-13-2003, 12:18 PM
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10 yrs?

Just Tired,

you been here for 10 yrs? Why 10 yrs? What does that mean? I thought i found this and i could fix, quick, and move on. I too, have started remembering my childhood. And I am from a "silence" family. I remember actually being punished in 7th grade for speaking of my families problem. I vowed myself not to speak another word ever again, it was a family problem. I lived in a war zone til my early twenties. I lived in fear. Embarassed by my father at weddings, parties, graduations. Scared to death when me and my brother came home from school, 4 & 5th graders, to find dad on the floor, white stuff in his mouth, we thought he was DEAD. Angry at him, for hitting my brother. Angry at me for being to small to protect my older brother from my dad. I recall jumping in front of a broomstick, to prevent my father from hitting my bro when he was drunk. He stopped and told me to get out of the way, he wouldnt hit me, he loved me, I could use this to protect my brother. And we did. I never realized how controling I was, still am. How needy i am, how clingy i am. How at times now, i can swear to the man i love that he does not love me. How could he? Nobody loves me. I have felt lost, out of place, amougnst other things for years. But I came here, and i'm happy I have found you, but i dont want to spend forever here. I need a quick fix. I dont want my b.f. to leave me, if he thinks theres more dysfunctions w/me. B.F's dad was also a drunk, his parents divorced when he was young. He has told me over and over, how much he is happier that his dad left when he was young, because of how much more it hurts when your grown, (me). I feel needy always. To this day, my family is "shamed" by my fathers drinking, and adultery and have welcomed him back in the family, to keep from more shame. hmm.... and they think i'm nutz!
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Old 06-13-2003, 12:54 PM
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Dad's Angel >>>>IT'S A PROCESS, NOT AN EVENT<<<<

Dad's Angel, Just think how long it took for you to get to this place in your life! Personally, it took me decades. When I first went to a therapist, he told me I should look at the process as a 2 yr deal. I was stunned! ! I was thinking, OK, maybe 2 weeks, or 2 months. But 2 YEARS? ? And guess what, he was more than right. I have continued to see an associate of his for more than 2 yrs. Just yesterday, I had one of the BEST sessions I have ever had. It has taken me this long, working S L O W L Y, [email protected]_a_time, to get to this place, of serenity, peace, and freedom. And I still have some very challenging days, (and quite a bit of work to do I should add) why???, because that is life. It's a PROCESS, NOT an EVENT. The good news, I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been before. "Things" (like life) bother and upset me less and less everyday. If it took me decades to get here, WHY should I "get it" in a quick fix. I DO KNOW how your feel about this, but I have come to learn, S L O W L Y, I must re-educate myself. The good news??? ...because of AA, the 12 steps, and the INCREDIBLE fellowship of this program, reading, studying the Big Book, attending meetings, and seeing my therapist, and actually LISTENING (Oh my God! ! ) to others, I have really started to grow. I had to learn to be comfortable, being a little uncomfortable. I had to realize, if I kept doing what got me here, I would keep getting EXACTLY the same results. (The defination of insanity, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results)

Perhaps you have hit your bottom, and want to take some action for you, and ONLY you. This program has helped countless people CHANGE their lives, FOREVER, [email protected]_a_time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. T C
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Old 06-13-2003, 02:29 PM
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Thanks Pauline, JT.

Sometimes if I am not feeling angry, sad or afraid I have a feeling of "numbness".

Even at times when I should be feeling a sense of joy I just feel numb.

It happens even when I am with people I care for very deeply and I can never seem to explain it when during a moment of intimacy my s.o turns to me and says"Whats wrong?"

A book I am reading talks about "chronic shock"

"Chronic shock" apparently is a syndrome of Acoa who have experienced particularly traumatic experiences during their childhood.

I am not sure If I can diagnose myself for "chronic shock" but I do know I can identify three incidents in my childhood that may be possible causes.

One is about an accident I had when I was seven years old.

The other is about a beating I recieved from my father.(still afraid to talk about the circumstances)

The other is about abuse and rejection from my foster family when I was about thirteen.

I am so really grateful for the strength NA has given me.If not for NA I would not even be able to even attempt to look at such issues.

Even now I feel a sense of shame and guilt even "daring" to open up about it but I am angry too........I want to know more....
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Old 06-14-2003, 08:41 PM
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Dad's angel,

Yes 10 years....but like what was said above it took longer than that to hit my bottom. And the 10 years has been Alanon...not Acoa. I am just now feeling strong enough to venture into my past.

You see my son was the straw that sent me crawling to Alanon and he is still active...in fact he just went to jail. I went to 3-4 meetings a week for about 7 years and then we moved and I let meetings go. All of my worries and fears and bad behaviors began to return and that is when I found this forum. Today you all are my recovery.

Tiro...my childhood sounds alot more tame than yours...but like you it was the fellowhip of the 12 steps that has made me able to look back. If I had not had the last years in Alanon I would still be afraid, and reacting to all that went before.

Hugs,
JT
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