In Texas

Its taken quite a while for me to get here (36 years), but things have finally gotten to "that point".

My father is an alcoholic, and has been since I can remember. Growing up my family and I went through a textbook case of ignoring that this was the source of our unease and unhappiness, and have continued to do so (as the problem worsened) into adulthood. I no longer have relationships with my two siblings, mother, and nieces and nephews all as a side effect of our continued denial, and now I am the last man standing as it were in my dad's corner. My stepmother has just left him after several years of struggling with the problem, and the experience is a harsh repeat of when my mother left him nearly 20 years ago.

I'm dealing with a considerable amount of guilt regarding my complacence til now. I'm realizing that I have continued to ignore the problem and even enabled my dad by drinking with him over the past several years. I have never confronted him about his drinking, and he has only ever acknowledged it in passing, but since I've grown up and moved on and as he has gotten older, the drinking has gotten worse.

My father is a textbook alcoholic, very stubborn and confrontational. Arguments between he and my stepmother have eventually become violent. I was rarely told about these occasions, and when it did get bad enough to bring me into the loop, it was usually a very awkward situation with my stepmother telling my girlfriend to tell me about the incident. I dont blame her for going this route - she is as confused and worried about the situation as I am, but the threat of harm has finally caused her (wisely) to step out of the picture.

That leaves me, the last family member on speaking terms with him. Recent conversations with him when he's sober have yielded the usual "your stepmom and I are having problems and its her fault". Dad is generally a very angry person these days, but he really loves me and is proud of the adult I've become.

I'm now in the position of feeling I need to do something about it, but I'm afraid that any attempt to address the problem will result in his hostile denial and jeopardize the last loving relationship the man has. Should I do and and let the chips fall where they may, possilbly resulting in his spending his later years totally alone? Is there an alternative? Furthermore, I feel like this indecision or refusal to rock the boat any more is a direct result of my being ACoA. I'd really appreciate some feedback from those of you who have been in similar situations. I'm ready at long last to do something about this, if there is anything to be done. Thanks very much.

Midnightfrost

Texas,

Boy have I been there before! I was left in my mother's corner. When I reached the point your at I started challenging her. Tried to discuss her problem and figure out how to get her help. When she made it very clear she didn't think there was a problem and she didn't need help I started pulling away. A little at a time. I didn't get all caught up in her drama and I started saying No more often. No I won't give you money. No I won't change my plans to suit you. Eventually I moved away. Far away. And right now we're not talking at all. I lovingly let her know I'm here when she's ready to get help but until then I don't want to be a part of her addiction. I just keep reminding myself that it is her life and her decisions. I can't, nor could I ever, make good decisions for her. And living with the consequences of her bad choices was too much for me. I would suggest being patient with yourself and maybe do some reading. I really found Self Matters by Dr. Phil helpful(Can't stand him. . . but the book was really helpful). Welcome to the boards!

In Texas

Thanks Midnight! The idea of letting go is really tough, but I'm feeling like its time to lay down some rules and try to move on with helping to heal the damage this has done to my family. I will continue to be as supportive as I can to my dad but simply can't keep on with the drama this has caused. Wish me luck! I've been lurking here at SR til now, and the perspective it has helped me obtain is priceless. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, and I will keep updating mine as it progresses. Take care all.

Wascally Wabbit

Don't feel bad. I was 50 before I started coming here and going to alanon for real help. My mom is the alcoholic in my life, but is 30 yrs sober. The strange behavior is still there, as is the never ending complaining.
Gulit. It's one of those words that seem so powerful. But, with a little training and knowledge, you can rid yourself of this guilt. Then this word will lose all it's assumed power. It's guilt for something you are not guilty of! Read the sticky notes at the top of this board. These sticky notes are just amazing, and eye opening.
You know, she really is probably confused as to what to do. I would tell her about alanon. You can't force her to go, but it's the best place for people in her situation, even if she no longer lives with him.

You can enjoy any sober time you have with him. I have learned though, that I will not tolerate anyone talking bad about another family member in my family. If they don't like that person, then they can take it up with them not me. I got into a triangle between my sis and my mom. It wound up with sis and me no longer on speaking terms.
I learned that people have to deal with their own problems and leave me out of it.

I can only speak from experience. The sad thing with alcoholics or drug addicts is they choose to do nothing till it's consumed their life with misery. Even then, some never come to realize they've got a problem.
So, knowing this, I have to take a step to protect my own self from their behavior. I have learned to stand up for myself, not get involved in things that aren't really any of my business, and take care of me.
This also means that I can not enable them to drink, or to help them out because of consequences they inheirit due to their drinking including bailing them out of jail or paying their bills. If they didnt' drink, they wouldn't be in jail etc. Helping them only gives them the right of way to continue drinking. If they suffer their own consequences, they eventually realize no one will help them out any more.

Keep coming back here and post all you want. I have learned so much from others experiences here, and I am sure you will too.

Wascally Wabbit

Midnightfrost, I was thinking of you in this post, and how strong you have become.