Hey GL (& Hi Mike!)

Great idea, GL! I have spent the $15 for the semester to have a locker near the small workout place in the student union so I also can't use the excuse of "I'm not dressed for it." I hope it works! Let me know what you find!

For me, I haven't been that specific; I'm just trying to breathe some days. Well actually I guess I've taken on trying to re-direct my anguish. (Ok, so that doesn't say anything...) Try again:

Here's what I did yesterday: over the past few days, myH & I have been trying to work together to find a solution to some of our financial challenges - this one dealt with our house mortgage. I was communicating with a person via phone, and it seemed like a good deal being put together. When the paperwork came through yesterday, though, both myH & I were not so sure anymore - the old "if it seems to good to be true, it just might be" feeling. In an uncharacteristic move, myH decided to read the paperwork closely and he took on talking to a friend who's an expert about the questions. In the end, we decided to not follow up on the deal - just too many uncertainties. When I thought of having to talk to the person who I had been dealing with, though, I just knew that I was feeling very vulnerable and might buckle if that person spoke at all convincingly - as my dad said, con men usually are really nice people!. I started to tear up at the thought that I would fail at the task of telling this person we weren't interested - not that my work in the whole thing was a failure, but that I might fail to stand my ground - which, of course, I "should" be able to do anytime :chatter. So when myH offered to call the person, I said please do and myH did. At the time, I felt horrible - one more failure I thought.

Later last evening, though, I thought about it, and I found myself realizing that I wasn't failing as much as recognizing that I needed to set a boundary - that I recognized I wasn't strong enough inside to stand my ground and so needed to ask for help (in a very uncodie move!). In fact, the whole interaction between myH and me was uncharacteristic, since I didn't say I could fix everything and he was willing to take on a confrontation. And so I recast my "failure" into a success - by realizing that I could let myH take on the task - which he didn't mind doing - and I wasn't the less for it.

Long story, but that's one small thing. I've been trying, since, to reconsider what I have been feeling this week were failures and try to see how to replace that label with "successes." I've gotten through a few.

It helps a great deal that the sun is out (even if the temps are around 0).

Thanks for the gentle nudge, GL. I am feeling better the more I write this out.

:Dance7:

UM

It's so funny that you do this. I hadn't heard of this technique, but last week I bought myself some of those smiley-face stickers that teachers use (they say "super job!" and "way to go!") and stick them next to completed items on my to-do list instead of checkmarks.

Hey there Friend :)

I _love_ that idea!! That is so cool. I'm going to remember that.

Oh yeah, welcome to SoberRecovery, glad to "meet" you :)

Mike :)

Hi all --

I haven't just dropped off the face of the earth, but our computer's modem has died and I haven't gotten it replaced.

I have to tell you all that one of my challenges that I'm not doing quite so well with is detaching from my older son's emotional depression. I know I have written about my kids from time to time, and I love them to tears. They are not substance dependent at all, but they are burdened with intellectual minds that seek the dark side of the day. Both boys brood and will find issues with the world that they - or anyone - cannot really fix. My eldest decided recently that he needed to talk to someone - that he was tired of feeling so horrible about himself and he wanted to feel better. I applaude his strength, and his dad and I have made an effort to find him a therapist who will be a good match. It was hard today, though, listening to him talk about how horrible he feels about himself - he's the most accomplished, strong, beautiful young man! - and I found myself struggling with the effort it was taking for me to not try to fix his pain with talk. From that, then, I slid into thinking about how my younger son will probably be angry at the world by tomorrow, and that I can't fix that either but that I will struggle with just listening and not rising to the bait.

Between these two and myH, I'm really struggling with the codie wish to fix. I know that I can't; I know that I need to detach and let my sons hold their own; but I fear that they have internalized so many things from me and myH and our issues... Argh! I am falling tonight into my own depression as I think of holding my sons lightly in my heart and not owning their challenges. Sometimes I get so tired...

Anyway, nothing great here. I'm still trying to recast my feelings of failure into recognized actions of strength - and maybe in the midst of this current testing, I need to hold onto the fact that I'm not owning my children's pain - or at least not trying to fix it. I hate the feeling inside, though, and I want to get angry about it or rake myH over the coals of my frustration that he isn't in the house helping me with this.

Sorry for the downer of a post. I was doing great earlier today (I had a young man mistake me as being 10 years younger than I am and was feeling pretty good about me!), but tonight it's downturned. I suspect I need to take some time to meditate and then turn this all over to my HP - but sometimes I'm too tired to do even that...

On another note: Does anyone know how to turn off the snow?

I hope that you all are having a better week. I'm going to send out a group hug in hopes that, like forcing myself to smile, it will turn my mood around. Here's to everyone on SR:
:ghug

(and one more for me :Val004:)
(now on to tomorrow...)
UM

Hey there Wonder Warrior Princess :)

* I think I got that right, ol' nogging doesn't hold on to things like it used to *

I think that's awesome. You know what is best for them, how this whole enabling/detachment thing works. Ok, so you're not perfect yet, but you're making progress.

You know that little saying "One day at a time"? I've had many a time when I was way too tired to turn anything over, or to pray. I've changed the saying and taken it down to "One second at a time" when I'm really down. I'll look at a clock and just focus on the second hand, and take comfort that I've made it thru _one_ second. By the time I've thought that it's been 5 seconds, and so I can focus on the next 5 until I've added up a full 10 seconds.

Ten seconds is enough for me, even in my darkest times. I say my shortest prayer "God, stick with me please", and next thing you know, He stuck with me yet another 10 seconds.

Ship it UPS to Las Vegas, we're gonna need it this summer ;)

thanx for the hug, you make them special.

Mike :)

Hey Mike -

You're right, Mike. I can see that now: at least I'm able to know what's needed even if I can't act on it easily. See - another "failure" recast as success.

I think this is so important. I'm not always (understatement!) good at remembering I don't have to do it all well for a long time. I know that keeping moving no matter what helps- remembering that there will be a better day or moment just around the next clock tick occasionally is my only sense of perspective. I love your idea of one second at a time. I'll try that in my next true-blue state.

Boy, I don't know if you know what you're asking for! I can just picture the "strip" dealing with the multiple feet of snow we've had so far! :rof
This winter has been one continual series of snow storms that hit almost like clockwork every Monday or Tuesday. I don't think the local schools have had more than one full day of school for the past three weeks - they keep either starting two hours late, letting out two hours early, or just altogether cancelling because of the state of the roads and the weather. This situation - my exasperation at the weather - is probably one more thing I need to keep turning over to my HP. And the crazy thing is that I usually like snow and winter ...

That last part reminded me about something my mom used to say. She's an ordained Presbyterian minister, and so almost everytime there was going to be a family thing that needed good weather, people would ask my mom to "arrange" it. Her response was "I'm in sales, not management!" :)

Thanks for the support, Mike. You're great! :You_Rock_

UM

That's what works for me :)

* lol *

Oh we'd manage just fine. We'd put up bleachers and charge 150 bucks a seat so tourists could come watch it melt. We'd package it in little plastic cups with "Viva las Vegas" written on 'em and sell 'em for 50 bucks an ounce. We'd have Elvis ride his Cadillac thru it.

I understand. Check up on me come 'round august and you'll hear _me_ whining about the heat. 'course, I'm the one who bought a condo out here in the first place.

* ROTFL * OMG but I love that one!!!!! I almost want to become a minister just so I can use that line!!!!

awwww ty :) That's a wonderful compliment.

Mike :)

Hey Mike -

:herewego:cool3:

Now that's something you don't find in the Heartland! It's raining tonight and the warm day melted enough snow that there are flood warnings out; still want it sent out your way? (It might be easier to put into cups :) ) I'm a little jealous that you might be able to make $50 a cup on this; around here there's no takers except the farmers, and the way this 2008's started, I think they will have more than they want this year too.

I'm doing ok today: no big issues and no big problems - just status quo; I can handle that! Thanks for your thoughts, and yes, my mom does come up with some good ones occasionally.

Hope you've had a good weekend.

Spring's coming for sure!
UM

Wow Mike, that took me back a bunch of years (about 15 or so of them, I'd guess). I can remember going to work and, literally, taking it minute by minute. Looking at what I had to do and breaking it down into one minute tasks. Then rewarding myself by allowing myself to go in the bathroom and cry if I made it 5 minutes while staying on task. I think my coworkers thought I had bowel problems ;)

Wow, that was a long time ago, and wow, how much has changed. Now I rarely use that tool, although I have done so recently at a funeral when I had to navigate the airports while not being in the best frame of mind. Anything beyond 'the next step' had to be pushed out of my mind because I could only focus on one thing in addition to the grief.

So these are good tools to have. Even when we've passed further down the recovery path, the tools can be used for situations that have nothing to do with our past.