groovyrose

I'm new here and I'm really hoping I'll be able to find some help here, in this forum. There is a part of me that feels guilty for asking for help because I "should" be able to handle all this and figure it out on my own. I also see that is part of the problem. I'm 40 and have always known I'm an ACOA (no recovery tools done) and always thought I was too aware to have to address it. Realizing that I'm a Co-Dependent is a new realization and a kicker. I know the two are related.

I'm so tired of feeling like I don't have a voice.

I'm so tired of being the good girl.

I'm so tired of seeking other's approval CONSTANTLY.

I'm so tired of second guessing my interactions with others.

I'm so tired of being the responsible one.

I'm so tired of putting my life on hold to be there for others.

I'm tired of serving others (and reading about "service" raises my hackles).

I'm so tired of being there for others and when I ask them for a favor they either disappear or have an excuse.

I'm so tired of answering to others for every little bleeping thing I do.

I'm tired of settling and accepting what others say as so.

What do I do to take back my life? I just don't know where to start. I live in a small rural town with one Al-Anon group and I'm not sure if going there is right for me. I currently can't afford counseling either.

I'm sad that I was programmed this way while growing up.
I'm frustrated that I don't fit in with the rest of society.
I grieve for the life I had and the abuses I suffered.
I’m angry at my parents who neglected me.
I’m disappointed at the authority figures who chose to look the other way.
I'm feeling unworthy in that there are people out there with much worse problems (so what right do *I* have to complain).
And I'm scared as to where to take my next step because I feel so lost.
I’m grateful that I have a brain that can comprehend how lost I am and to have enough ego-strength to formulate this post.

Thanks for listening.

ICU

Welcome grooveyrose! I'm glad you found us.

I too am new to this particular forum, but not to SR (I'm normally at Friends and Family of alcoholics and just recently began posting here).

After reading your post, I began to wonder if I had written it, LOL! Because, I could have! I've felt the same way about many of the things you talked about. Some have begun to change for me, 'yeah', and many I'm still struggling with, but making progress. My post about 'my parents are not alcoholics' further down the list, might show you how I too struggle, guilt being one of my issues.

I'm going to step back a bit here and let others who are more experienced in this forum reply from their experience to you. I feel a little out of place because I am new to this particular avenue of recovery.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand those feelings very well. Keeping coming back and we'll learn together, ok?

P.S. Awareness of not being happy, being able to admit it, and reaching out is a great first step!

Growing

Hello Rose and Welcome,

Sorry if this rambles..your post touched a chord in me.

I am so glad you posted. You are here among what I consider to be, family. I started where you are starting. I agree with ICU, I could have written your post. I agree with everything you typed. Your post validated what I have felt and wished to express. Thank you.

There is no rush here. We plug away and take our time. Just keep coming back to SR. I hope, in time, you get strong enough to go to your local al-anon group....but only when you are ready.

"And I'm scared as to where to take my next step because I feel so lost."---I understand the "lost" feeling..you are not lost..you are found! You are here at SR and we care about you.

"I’m grateful that I have a brain that can comprehend how lost I am and to have enough ego-strength to formulate this post."---You are here and you are doing great! Awareness is half the battle and you are there.

"What do I do to take back my life? I just don't know where to start. I live in a small rural town with one Al-Anon group and I'm not sure if going there is right for me. I currently can't afford counseling either. "---I have been in recovery on and off for 11yrs. The above quote is the story of most of my adult life...small town, one al-anon and can't afford counseling...so know that I feel your pain on this one.

My experience: I went to al-anon anyway. I had to. It was either go to al-anon or go crazy, in my case. I have shared before that going to my first al-anon meeting..and then sticking with it for a month, were the two hardest things I ever had to do in recovery, but, I have never looked back.

"I'm frustrated that I don't fit in with the rest of society." Al-anon helps with this. Al-anon is instant friends and family. Al-anon helped me work out my anti-social kinks. As a result, all of my relationships improved. This, in turn, helped me with society in general, ect.

If you want, you could ask us what our first meetings were like..I know, I would be glad to share and I am guessing the others would also.

The best thing that happened to me in Al-Anon is I began a relationship with a Higher Power of my understanding. He is the one who restores me to sanity, as it says in step 2 of the 12 steps. I lean on Him heavily.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

"What do I do to take back my life?"

The first things I did that made me feel like I had taken back my life, was: Becoming Aware/step 1 of the 12 steps, Going to Al-Anon, Journaling/Grief work, asking questions/reading literature about acoa and *evaluating the health of each and every relationship*.

"I'm sad that I was programmed this way while growing up.
I grieve for the life I had and the abuses I suffered.
I’m angry at my parents who neglected me.
I’m disappointed at the authority figures who chose to look the other way."----In your post, I see a familiar grief. Grief work is part of acoa recovery. When I first learned of acoa and read my first book on the topic, I was completely overwhelmed, the grief came and lasted awhile.

Today, I am more used to the idea of being an acoa. Some things come up, I address them in journal form...if its heavy..I give myself a day to grieve it..then I force myself to move on because I am aware that I tend to be *comfortable* in depression..I can't let myself do that anymore. (obviously, if I need to grieve the death of a loved one, ect, it would take much longer)

Just journaling alone, took care of alot of my grief. Its like, hey, this is what really happened to me. It was validation. I think *I* even hid from what had happened. Denial, ect.

When it came to evaluating my relationships, I didn't make waves, or say anything to the individuals in question. I sat down, thought about and wrote in a journal about each of my relationships: Was it a one way relationship? Was I the drive behind it? What would happen if I didn't call? What would happen if I didn't show up? Am I the giver and they the taker, always? What do I get from them? What have they given me?

I realized that in most situations, I was mostly the giver and the other individual was a taker. I was making friends and hanging on to relatives that would use me.

Slowly, I detached from these relationships. I stopped calling to see how they were. I waited. For most of my toxic relationships, that was all it took. I quit calling, they quit calling. Seriously, like, 80% of my relationships ended like that. I realized, *I* was the sole drive behind 80% of my toxic relationships. The other 20% I continue to purposely avoid/no contact, and/or set boundaries. I am alone now, but I have peace and joy FOR THE FIRST TIME and a clean slate/good foundation for healthy friends and *family of choice*.

"I'm feeling unworthy in that there are people out there with much worse problems (so what right do *I* have to complain)."----I can relate to this. For me, it is "survivors guilt". I am becoming aware of what my issues are.

Keep coming back and asking questions here at SR.

Care and Support sent your way,

Growing

Barbara52

groovyrose, I just want to say hi and tell you I too understand where you are. I am 53 and just begining to understand the many ways being an ACOA has affected my life.

Read and post and we can all get thru this together.

GiveLove

Hi groovyrose,

How do you start? By doing what you've just done. Reaching out towards people who have been where you are, who understand perfectly what you're feeling, and who have different kinds of experience, strength and hope for you to take advantage of.

That's us

I too could've written your post. I was just so tired of myself, and all my emotional samsonites I'd been lugging around all my life. I started by building a support group ---- not trying yet to actively change anything, just building the support and starting to weed out the drains on my energy and self-esteem. Think of it as preparing a seed bed for a garden: enriching the soil, getting rid of noxious weeds, preparing a space where you will begin your journey toward healing.

Your list may seem intimidating and impossible. But it really isn't. You just have to decide to be patient with yourself, and take one small thing down off the shelf at a time. Start keeping a journal, and setting aside some time every day to write in it and to devote some space to your healing. Pick something at random from your "sick of" list. What can we help you to take a small, positive step with today? There are lots of incredibly smart, loving people here who would be delighted to help with ideas.

You are now a project. A beautiful art project. You can find joy in the time and attention you give to yourself every day.

Most of all: baby steps. Small, manageable steps that you are comfortable with. That's how we are all advancing together....self-knowledge, self-love, and tiny little steps toward health every day. The path to healing is not a straight line and you will not move forward every day. But that's okay -- keep moving in the right direction, and you will begin to feel proud of yourself, and that will help you cultivate a new happiness for yourself.

If I can do it, you can too. I was the child of alcoholic/addictive parents, and was neglected, beaten, molested, raped, and taken advantage of in every way; there was murder, abuse, suicide.....all before I ever hit 21. But small, steady steps toward health, and a desire to move from a crushed victim to a strong and happy woman have brought me to a state of peace.

There is hope. A lot of it. I promise.

Come on down and join me here in the garden! :ghug3

Wascally Wabbit

Oh honey, don't feel like it's too late. I am 52 and only within the last 2 years have I finally been freed from the lifetime of guilt trips and all the horror that comes from growing up with an alcoholic mom.

Once the light comes on, and you practice what you learn WITHOUT FEAR, you will be well on your way to becoming a stronger person who is in charge of her life.

Some of the things you mention you're tired of are actually good things such as being the responsible one. That's actually a good thing! What you will learn is that you don't have to be responsible for any one other than yourself when it comes to unacceptable behavior.

You've taken a right step in reaching out. Keep hanging out here and posting.
Be good to yourself. This means not letting yourself be taken advantage of.
Stand up for yourself and realize that you have a right to live a full life.
Hugs!