ICU

...but oh so dysfunctional.

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and although I see her 1 -2 a week, I have never seen this intense anger side of her.

In short, I was at their house for lunch to celebrate New Years. Nice meal.
Then all hell broke loose as my Mom went to put her coat on because she wanted to go home! She was home!

She became verbally abusive towards me...told me to shut up. When my Dad came over to take her coat off, she threatened to kill him. Well, that just fired up my Dad and he bated her more and more and more. My mom can't think right...my Dad won't think right! There's a difference.

And me, I defused the situation by literally standing between them. I told my Dad to go sit down, and that my Mom wasn't hurting anyone by wearing her coat. Each of them sat down, and I asked what they normally watched on tv this time of day and put that show on. But my Mom kept leering at my Dad. Words were tossed around between them for over 45 minutes or so.

I started having vivid flashbacks from when I broke up their fights as a child. As a 3 year old, I would literally stand between them....just like I automatically did today. I mean it was so vivid that it felt like I went back in time to when I was 3, then older, then as a young adult of which the last episode I had to break them apart from each other in the basement. I hadn't thought about that episode in over 30 years. I started shaking and had trouble breathing. No doubt it was leftover childhood feelings when I was powerless, although I gave it my 3 year old best. But, I'm not a child any longer. I'll be damned if I go back to that kind of environment again!

I told them if they kept up their bickering, I was leaving and taking my dog (whom they love) with me. For their happiness, I let one of my dogs stay there half the week, and the other half with me.

Since the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, I decided it was time for me to go home, and, I was taking my dog with me. I told them I didn't feel comfortable leaving her. When I was a child, there was no one there to protect or remove me. Well, I can and certainly did do better by my dog, oh yeah, and me. I think I may have begun healing those left over little girl wounds from the past by taking appropriate action as an adult.

I called them a few minutes ago. Mom acts like nothing happened. My Dad won't barely even speak to me. He's doing his normal guilt producing passive-aggressive thing.

Knowing my Mom is not competent, and my Dad is my Dad, I realize the only one I can take care of is me, and my furkids. And, I did just that. I was justified and right to do so.

Oh, but the guilt of my father being depressed because I took my dog with me is eating me alive. The desired effect no doubt.

Then I saw DesertEyes' sticky on Handling Guilt just a few short moments after I hung up the phone with my Dad. I swear, there must be a direct link between here and with my HP, because that is EXACTLY what I needed to read at the EXACT moment I needed to read it. God certainly does work in mysterious ways.

It felt good to get that out...feels even better knowing I have that Handling Guilt thread to help me through.

It will be printed out, and, this is how I will spend my New Year's Eve....getting rid of the guilt!

Happy New Years everyone.

DesertEyes and Morning Glory...huge blessings to you both!

Growing

ICU, good for you and what a great start to the new year with you setting and keeping boundaries and taking care of "your little girl" and furkids!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

GiveLove

Hey ICU, I think, from the story you've told, we can just about make you an honorary ACoA

Good for you for setting your boundaries. Dad can just BE mad. You did the right thing for you & yours.

ICU

Thanks Growing and Giving Love....hmmm...that gives me an idea...I AM 'Growing' and I am 'Giving Love'...to me, by taking care of myself. Perhaps the fact that the two of posted back-to-back is my HP giving me yet another message. Man, he's busy tonight!

Seriously though, I was calm during the crisis, began falling apart shortly afterwards (during the flashbacks), but then remembered all that I had learned about choices, boundaries, and doing what is best for me. Thank God!

They chose each other, and, well, that's the life, if you can call it that, that they created and accepted. I can't change that. But I don't have to be in the middle of it and can leave.

What a way to end the new year.

Thanks for your support and Happy New Year to the both of you!

DesertEyes

Well done, ICU, very well done. Talk about taking care of yourself in _exactly_ the right way. Your recovery is awesome. Your ability to "step outside" of the game and see how they play the parts is fabulous. Now you have the power to protect yourself anytime. And taking care of your fur-baby is _exactly_ what "parenting ourselves" is all about.

I remember when I was a kid, how I was the only "adult" in the family. My folks were drunks, but the role reversal was very similar. Once I started "breaking out" of the game I healed very quickly. Recovery seemed to accelerate for me. Sounds like your gaining speed too

By the way, Adult Children of Alcoholics officially started accepting Adult Children of dysfunctional / toxic families some time ago, so you are every bit a member of our "family of choice" Welcome to your new family, "sis"

Mike

ICU

Thanks Mike. I'm still amazed at that sticky thread being there just when I needed it the most. Actually, it was the last post in the forum and it certainly grabbed my attention.

Thanks for the welcome to the family here. It's the next level for me. Still fighting the urge to make sure they are ok though. And, fighting the need to apologize. See, six years ago today my Dad had his heart attack. I remember being in ER with them both all day. Think that's messing with me a little bit too!

Back to my homework. I'm writing so much, my hand hurts LOL! Happy New Year!

Wascally Wabbit

I just hate that guilt trip my mother lays on me. I learned right here on this board that I don't have to feel guilty especially when it's not my doing or my fault. I am learning how to recognize and deal with it before it sucks me into an emotional tornado.

I watched my FIL die from Alz.
He was such a sweet and loving man right up to the end. Never a bad word from his mouth, just a lot of terrible confusion. I guess you never know how it will affect any one at all.

ICU

WW, yeah, I had to clarify what was my fault and what wasn't. It's amazing how emotions, especially long buried ones, fog the real issue.

Thanks to my Handling Guilt homework (I hope I did it right), I think I see why I felt guilty in this situation tonight. My flashbacks revealed the terror I felt as a young child when my parents fought. I ran in between them to keep them from either a) hurting each other and/or b) to keep one of them from leaving.

Sure, when I came between them I got in a heap load of trouble, but, they weren't killing each other or leaving any more. I took the focus off of them, by interfering, and unfortunately, it was put on me. Somehow I feared that far less as a child.

My reaction tonight was to that little girl fear. I feared something would happen to my dad, like having another heart attack, maybe a stroke, he and my mom 'would' hurt each other, etc., all because I brought my dog back home to a safe environment with me. "I" would be the reason that something bad happened to them. Thank God the adult in me was able to use her voice and take care of the child, and her little dog too! LOL

Sorry guys. I'm getting this out of my head into typed form. You don't have to respond if you don't want to...I've just got to go with it...it's a critically important and defining moment in my journey. To let go of my guilt, I needed to let go of the fear of a little girl. What a concept!!!

Thanks for letting me get it out here. It helped! Whew!

Growing

"I've just got to go with it...it's a critically important and defining moment in my journey. To let go of my guilt, I needed to let go of the fear of a little girl. What a concept!!! "

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

Wascally Wabbit

Yeah, the quote above is quite powerful. And, quite revealing of a recovery coming along very well! All we can do is keep plugging along and keep ourselves in check.

DesertEyes

Well sure, you obviously love him, of course you're going to be worried.

This is totally not recovery related. As a guy who's had _eleven_ heart attacks and 7 major hospitalizations in the last 3 years I can tell you that about 50% of a heart condition is caused by genetic factors. The other 50% is caused by the patients _attitude_.

There is nothing in the world that can _cause_ me a heart attack, if I have a positive, healthy attitude. However, if I fail to follow medical directions, have a sour, angry relationship with the world, then _I_ will cause me one pretty durn quick.

Worrying about your Dad cuz you love him is admirable, but if you're feeling in some way responsible about his health, you can let go of that one too. The "three C's" of al-anon apply to heart conditions too.

I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.

Mike ((((( hugs )))))

ICU

I hear your for sure.

I printed up a slip of paper last night with the words....'letting go of fear-based guilt' and dated it 12/31/07. Many people have God boxes...I made a 'recovery box' (until I can think of a better name for it). I put that slip of paper in there and will place it somewhere visible to serve as a subtle reminder to me everyday. It will certainly get my attention because it's an old peppermint fudge tin (empty, LOL) I had laying around that I never quite knew what to do with, but wanted to save it for something special. Now it's purpose has been identified.

When I woke up this morning and saw the box; I smiled! It's a wonderful way to begin a new year!

Thanks everyone!!

historyteach

I've learned quite a bit from this thread!
Thank you for sharing, ICU!!!
Once more it's true; you never know who you're gonna help when you post.

Shalom!

Growing

I'm going to get me a recovery box...Great idea!

ICU

So true historyteach, you never know who you might help when you post. It's so incredible, isn't it?

Growing...regarding the 'recovery box'. I've changed my mind...not on the concept, but rather the container I chose. The 'peppermint fudge tin' is calling out to me and my love of sweets, LOL! Not good considering my recent sugar hi/low episode.

Instead, I'm going to make something like a 'tool belt' of recovery skills. Dangling from my 'tool belt' ( a simple board that I will paint and attach hooks to) will be keys. Hopefully I can find large, old-fashioned looking keys real cheap at flea market/yard sale kind of thing. Each key will have a tag on it to identify what it is for. I'll attach the key to the hooks with some pretty ribbon. So my first key will be tagged 'letting go of fear-based guilt' and date it 12/31/07. Actually, that should be my second key. My first key will be tagged "My declaration of independance" and the date of when I said "no more and goodbye" to my ex. That was my true first step that made me realize just how sick I was and needed to change or I would die.

I like this idea better because I can hang it from the wall and everytime I pass by, it will be a reminder. And, it will also serve as a creative outlet, something I need to get back in touch with. I love paint, crafts, and related messes, LOL!