What do you wish someone had done for you to help you accept reality?
A work in progress....
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
What do you wish someone had done for you to help you accept reality?
Hi all, and thank you to anyone who will take the time to read and respond. This got longer than I intended....I am wondering how I can best be supportive to my children in this situation while at the same time being completely realistic and honest about it. I have spent far too many years being unrealistic and dishonest with myself and with them......
For background:
I have two grown sons and one fifth grade son, and am in the midst of a divorce from their addict/borderline personality disorder father. We have been married 25 years, during which time I basically got lost codependency, in the fear, obligation, and guilt, and ended up almost losing myself in frantic attempts to turn my family into something it can never be-one with a healthy, functional father. I managed to make it appear so to the outside world for many years, until two years ago when I almost completely fell apart and realized I had to get out.
There have always been drugs in stbx's life, but it was only in the last few months that I learned of bpd. I always thought he "just" had a drug problem and if he would address that then things would be ok. But bpd was the piece of the puzzle that I never knew existed. He exhibits seven out of nine DSMs markedly, and the other two mildy. I think there may be a little NPD mixed in, as well, but who knows? He is not high-functioning at all, he is currently living with his mother (he is 54), and apparently has no desire to go anywhere else (except, of course, back here which is not happening).
My middle son, who is a college sophomore, doesn't interact with his dad much at all. I'm not sure he really understands (do any of us) what is wrong with his dad, but he holds no illusion that he can do anything about it so he just keeps his distance. I know he loves his dad, and I know it hurts him, but he seems to be dealing with it fairly well.
The youngest one cannot, by order of the courts, spend any time with his dad until dad begins therapy (with someone that I approve) and the therapist deems it wise for visitation to start. This of course hurts little bit, but his dad has not been any sort of consistant presence in our home anyway, so his day-to-day life hasn't changed dramatically. Unless of course you count the lack of chaos and drama which is nothing but healthy for all of us....He is almost 12, is very bright, and I try to be as honest as possible about the situation (without crucifying dad). He knows dad is sick, needs therapy, and might not ever opt to get that therapy. We pray every night that he will, though.
It is my oldest son that I am most concerned about. He has taken on his classic role in a dysfunctional family, that of the hero. He loves his dad so much, and desperately tries to help him. His dad has tormented my son to no end since I filed for divorce and really crushed him on Christmas eve by giving one brother a gift costing 400.00, one a gift of 200.00, and giving my oldest boy a 50.00 Lowe's gift card. What hurt son the most, though, is that stbx gave oldest son's 6-month-old daughter absolutely nothing. This in the wake of many times when stbx has told oldest son that "no one cares about me but you....".
After all that (sorry), here is my question. At what point did those of you who are 'no contact' with your parent reach the end of your rope? (I have been NC since the seperation in March-with a few slips.) What helped you finally see that there was nothing you can do and to continue in the relationship was too painful?
I am not trying to control what son does, I am just curious about what I can do to be most supportive. I have told oldest son that if/when he gets to the point of cutting off contact it will have to be his decision-that he will have to reach a place in his own heart when he knows there is nothing he can do and to continue allowing the abuse is just feeding the monster. He still tries to 'reason' with dad, to try to make dad see how hurtful things are that he does. (We all know what we get when we do that.....) He wanted very badly to call dad up on Christmas eve and ask him why he did what he did. I don't know if he did make that call, but the two of us talked at length about it and I told him that if he chose to call, then he would no doubt be painted black and blamed for what happened. That it would just cause more anger and more hurt for him. That we must stop expecting dad to act like a rational person because he is not rational. That we must stop trying to understand why he does the things he does, because that is not possible. And that to react in any way to these things is only to reinforce bad behavior. That the best thing to do is to do nothing, and that he would feel better in a day or two and be glad that he didn't react. This is something I have learned from hard experience....
So, anyway, I am handling it ok? Is there anything else I can do -something perhaps you wish a parent would have done for you-to help son get through this and accept it?
Again, thanks!
For background:
I have two grown sons and one fifth grade son, and am in the midst of a divorce from their addict/borderline personality disorder father. We have been married 25 years, during which time I basically got lost codependency, in the fear, obligation, and guilt, and ended up almost losing myself in frantic attempts to turn my family into something it can never be-one with a healthy, functional father. I managed to make it appear so to the outside world for many years, until two years ago when I almost completely fell apart and realized I had to get out.
There have always been drugs in stbx's life, but it was only in the last few months that I learned of bpd. I always thought he "just" had a drug problem and if he would address that then things would be ok. But bpd was the piece of the puzzle that I never knew existed. He exhibits seven out of nine DSMs markedly, and the other two mildy. I think there may be a little NPD mixed in, as well, but who knows? He is not high-functioning at all, he is currently living with his mother (he is 54), and apparently has no desire to go anywhere else (except, of course, back here which is not happening).
My middle son, who is a college sophomore, doesn't interact with his dad much at all. I'm not sure he really understands (do any of us) what is wrong with his dad, but he holds no illusion that he can do anything about it so he just keeps his distance. I know he loves his dad, and I know it hurts him, but he seems to be dealing with it fairly well.
The youngest one cannot, by order of the courts, spend any time with his dad until dad begins therapy (with someone that I approve) and the therapist deems it wise for visitation to start. This of course hurts little bit, but his dad has not been any sort of consistant presence in our home anyway, so his day-to-day life hasn't changed dramatically. Unless of course you count the lack of chaos and drama which is nothing but healthy for all of us....He is almost 12, is very bright, and I try to be as honest as possible about the situation (without crucifying dad). He knows dad is sick, needs therapy, and might not ever opt to get that therapy. We pray every night that he will, though.
It is my oldest son that I am most concerned about. He has taken on his classic role in a dysfunctional family, that of the hero. He loves his dad so much, and desperately tries to help him. His dad has tormented my son to no end since I filed for divorce and really crushed him on Christmas eve by giving one brother a gift costing 400.00, one a gift of 200.00, and giving my oldest boy a 50.00 Lowe's gift card. What hurt son the most, though, is that stbx gave oldest son's 6-month-old daughter absolutely nothing. This in the wake of many times when stbx has told oldest son that "no one cares about me but you....".
After all that (sorry), here is my question. At what point did those of you who are 'no contact' with your parent reach the end of your rope? (I have been NC since the seperation in March-with a few slips.) What helped you finally see that there was nothing you can do and to continue in the relationship was too painful?
I am not trying to control what son does, I am just curious about what I can do to be most supportive. I have told oldest son that if/when he gets to the point of cutting off contact it will have to be his decision-that he will have to reach a place in his own heart when he knows there is nothing he can do and to continue allowing the abuse is just feeding the monster. He still tries to 'reason' with dad, to try to make dad see how hurtful things are that he does. (We all know what we get when we do that.....) He wanted very badly to call dad up on Christmas eve and ask him why he did what he did. I don't know if he did make that call, but the two of us talked at length about it and I told him that if he chose to call, then he would no doubt be painted black and blamed for what happened. That it would just cause more anger and more hurt for him. That we must stop expecting dad to act like a rational person because he is not rational. That we must stop trying to understand why he does the things he does, because that is not possible. And that to react in any way to these things is only to reinforce bad behavior. That the best thing to do is to do nothing, and that he would feel better in a day or two and be glad that he didn't react. This is something I have learned from hard experience....
So, anyway, I am handling it ok? Is there anything else I can do -something perhaps you wish a parent would have done for you-to help son get through this and accept it?
Again, thanks!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
duet, my childrens' father has been in prison since they were little. They are 29 and 26 now. The oldest has missed him ever since. He still writes to his dad once in a while. It's so sad. It's like I can see the longing in my son for a father he will never have.
I can't and won't try to stop him from writing. There's nothing I can do.
This may not be the same situation as yours, but I just completely let go of trying to control my son by telling him what a waste of time it was for him to write a father he'd never see again.
I can't and won't try to stop him from writing. There's nothing I can do.
This may not be the same situation as yours, but I just completely let go of trying to control my son by telling him what a waste of time it was for him to write a father he'd never see again.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"So, anyway, I am handling it ok? Is there anything else I can do -something perhaps you wish a parent would have done for you-to help son get through this and accept it?"
All I ever needed, being an ACOA with both parents A's, was for one parent to lead by example. Actions are better than words. Work your program. Go to meetings. The kids will notice.
It sounds like you are doing a great job!
The worst part is detaching yourself from your elder son's negative experiences with his dad. Detach with love. I am the mother of a son. I know it is virtually impossible feeling, but, fake it till you make it, if you have to. Sounds like you are doing this. Nothing will make it feel better, unfortunately. But, you will know you are not adding to anything.
Things will really start moving in a good direction when the eldest "hits a bottom" with his dad, but, I know you already know this. I'm just repeating it all.
Seperating from your AH sets a good example for the children to follow, if they chose to do so, it is an action on your part, a choice for health. That is very powerful. Maybe the kids will emulate that.
Love and prayers out to you,
Growing
All I ever needed, being an ACOA with both parents A's, was for one parent to lead by example. Actions are better than words. Work your program. Go to meetings. The kids will notice.
It sounds like you are doing a great job!
The worst part is detaching yourself from your elder son's negative experiences with his dad. Detach with love. I am the mother of a son. I know it is virtually impossible feeling, but, fake it till you make it, if you have to. Sounds like you are doing this. Nothing will make it feel better, unfortunately. But, you will know you are not adding to anything.
Things will really start moving in a good direction when the eldest "hits a bottom" with his dad, but, I know you already know this. I'm just repeating it all.
Seperating from your AH sets a good example for the children to follow, if they chose to do so, it is an action on your part, a choice for health. That is very powerful. Maybe the kids will emulate that.
Love and prayers out to you,
Growing
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I decided I would be able to accept no-contact (it ended up not working out that way, but not because of me, long story...) when I realized that I could no longer believe that either of my parents loved me or were capable of loving me. I was in my late 30's when I finally was emotionally ready to believe that deep down.
You can't do much to support your son aside from leading by example. Remember that he is now an ACoA too. He will have to find his own path. He will find it when he is ready and can emotionally handle it.
You can't do much to support your son aside from leading by example. Remember that he is now an ACoA too. He will have to find his own path. He will find it when he is ready and can emotionally handle it.
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