New to the group!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
New to the group!
Hello,
I have just recently began to research acoa. A friend recommended the [U]Adult Children of Alcoholics[U] by Jane Woititz. I read the entire book last night! After reading I felt very enlightened and so many questions about the last 13 years of my adult life were suddenly answered. I also discovered things about myself that I wasn't even aware of. However, at the end of the book Woititz does say that "the good feeling from the power of identification does not effect a lasting change." This leads to me believe that this great feeling that I have now could possibly be a false sense of well-being. My question to the group is --Is this the first step to recovery? Now that I've read the book and understand myself so much better, what do I do now? Do I find support groups, a therapist, keep reading??? Any thoughts?
I have just recently began to research acoa. A friend recommended the [U]Adult Children of Alcoholics[U] by Jane Woititz. I read the entire book last night! After reading I felt very enlightened and so many questions about the last 13 years of my adult life were suddenly answered. I also discovered things about myself that I wasn't even aware of. However, at the end of the book Woititz does say that "the good feeling from the power of identification does not effect a lasting change." This leads to me believe that this great feeling that I have now could possibly be a false sense of well-being. My question to the group is --Is this the first step to recovery? Now that I've read the book and understand myself so much better, what do I do now? Do I find support groups, a therapist, keep reading??? Any thoughts?
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Welcome hopeful2008!!
The great feeling is just being able to say, Wow! Now I know what my problem is!
Then comes the life long learning journey on how not to let it destroy us any more.
Alanon has helped me tremendously, and so has the wisdom of many who have have even more experience than me, right on this board.
We really need a support group somewhere or we'd go crazy. I find this place comforting. I also like my alanon group.
I went from a crazy person, to someone who can handle day to day life with a recovering alcoholic mother. She's been sober 30 years and active in AA.
Problem is, she refuses to realize she's been the core of the family's problems.
I can't help that. I can't change the past either. I can only work on myself and learn how to keep from going nuts. I have changed a lot, for the better too. I realize I no longer have to listen to her ugly talk, or negativity.
Just because she's sober doesn't mean all the strangeness about her is gone. If anything, she's become worse with time.
I love her very much. I have a hard time being around her for long due to her constant complaining criticizm, and never having a kind word to say about anything.
There's no argueing with her either. She won't listen to anything I have to say.
So, I have to figure out how not to let that drive me over the edge.
I can recommend acoa groups if there's one in your area. If not, Alanon.
Therapy can help too.
Keep coming back and posting. It helps me feel better, and I get valuable feedback.
The great feeling is just being able to say, Wow! Now I know what my problem is!
Then comes the life long learning journey on how not to let it destroy us any more.
Alanon has helped me tremendously, and so has the wisdom of many who have have even more experience than me, right on this board.
We really need a support group somewhere or we'd go crazy. I find this place comforting. I also like my alanon group.
I went from a crazy person, to someone who can handle day to day life with a recovering alcoholic mother. She's been sober 30 years and active in AA.
Problem is, she refuses to realize she's been the core of the family's problems.
I can't help that. I can't change the past either. I can only work on myself and learn how to keep from going nuts. I have changed a lot, for the better too. I realize I no longer have to listen to her ugly talk, or negativity.
Just because she's sober doesn't mean all the strangeness about her is gone. If anything, she's become worse with time.
I love her very much. I have a hard time being around her for long due to her constant complaining criticizm, and never having a kind word to say about anything.
There's no argueing with her either. She won't listen to anything I have to say.
So, I have to figure out how not to let that drive me over the edge.
I can recommend acoa groups if there's one in your area. If not, Alanon.
Therapy can help too.
Keep coming back and posting. It helps me feel better, and I get valuable feedback.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
Thanks for the feedback. My father is an alcoholic and has been one for all of my 31 years of life. My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage. My father remarried someone who used to be an alocholic but has since replaced that addiction with pills...they're all prescription of course for all of her ailments. I'm dreading going to their house tomorrow for Christmas. My dad sits at the dining room table (my friends and I had a big joke about him being the head of the neighborhood watch at his watchtower at the dining room table at our house on the hill all through high school.) drinking the entire day, and my stepmother sits in her chair smoking cigarettes so there's not that much to do. Then I go visit my mother who I barely speak to throughout the year. It's not that I have a bad relationship with her, it's just that I don't have one at all. My big question is when do you confront your parents about everything? How do you do it? I know medical advice isn't supposed to be given out on this site, but when and how did you all do it??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Hopeful, I have been in ACoA recovery for over 20 years, but was only aware of being an ACoA for the past 3 or so.
I have never confronted my parents about their drinking. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. They are adults, they will do what they will do. My job is not to confront my parents, my job is to fix me.
Fixing me is far more important than fixing them. If I fix them (assuming I could, which I can't and which is a line of thinking very common to ACoAs, that we are so all-powerful as to be able to change the core being of another human without their consent or their desire to be changed)...If I fix them, I fix two toxic people in my life. But I still have a zillion other toxic people in my life, and I still have the same ol' (ineffectual) coping mechanisms I had from before.
If I change me, I learn to deal with all kinds of toxic people, from road rage people to surly checkout clerks to my toxic coworker to people I do business with etc etc.
Easier to fix me than fix every single person out there with issues.
My parents still drink, and most likely always will. The only "confrontation" I had with them was actually a 'boundary setting' session with them, where I set my boundaries and they didn't like it. I was not telling *them* to change, I was telling them that I was changing the rules of what I would accept and not accept. They didn't like it much and for some time I wasn't sure whether they'd ever speak to me again or not.
It is healthy to set your own boundaries. It is not healthy to try to change or set someone else's boundaries for them. All of us grownups get to decide just how screwed up we want to be
I choose to be not so screwed up, my parents are comfortable being seriously screwed up. Their life, their choice - my life, MY choice.
I have never confronted my parents about their drinking. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. They are adults, they will do what they will do. My job is not to confront my parents, my job is to fix me.
Fixing me is far more important than fixing them. If I fix them (assuming I could, which I can't and which is a line of thinking very common to ACoAs, that we are so all-powerful as to be able to change the core being of another human without their consent or their desire to be changed)...If I fix them, I fix two toxic people in my life. But I still have a zillion other toxic people in my life, and I still have the same ol' (ineffectual) coping mechanisms I had from before.
If I change me, I learn to deal with all kinds of toxic people, from road rage people to surly checkout clerks to my toxic coworker to people I do business with etc etc.
Easier to fix me than fix every single person out there with issues.
My parents still drink, and most likely always will. The only "confrontation" I had with them was actually a 'boundary setting' session with them, where I set my boundaries and they didn't like it. I was not telling *them* to change, I was telling them that I was changing the rules of what I would accept and not accept. They didn't like it much and for some time I wasn't sure whether they'd ever speak to me again or not.
It is healthy to set your own boundaries. It is not healthy to try to change or set someone else's boundaries for them. All of us grownups get to decide just how screwed up we want to be
I choose to be not so screwed up, my parents are comfortable being seriously screwed up. Their life, their choice - my life, MY choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
You all are definitely right about "changing people." The ACOA book really focuses on changing yourself and reevaluating your relationships whether it be friends, family, coworkers, etc. I really like that mentality....for so long I've focused on everyone else and their problems. Another reference from the book says that you should ask yourself what is the payoff in each of your relationships? Are you giving more than you are giving? So maybe I'll put off confronting the parents for now and just focus on me! Thanks for the feedback from everyone! I promise to start giving my feedback to everyone else soon...I've been selfish. I'm just overwhelmed with all the new info I've discovered. Knowledge is power though, right?
Merry Christmas everyone!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Merry Christmas Hopeful!
You have started down a long and occasionally painful journey to a healthy you. Sometimes you will run up against what seems like insurmountable problems that you simply can't overcome. When that happens, pick something new to work on.
It is not (repeat: NOT) selfish to focus on yourself. It is not selfish to take care of you. Those are the old patterns, the old tapes playing in your head. You can give feedback when you feel it is right and you are ready. Until then, we are all here to give to each other and take from each other. I don't just give, every post I make, I'm taking something from each of you. Life does not come with a "give" and "take" balance sheet.
You keep taking until you feel like you've got all you need (note: not want, sometimes what we need is not what we want). And go take your life "balance sheet" and burn it. By being a better you, you will be a more positive force in other people's lives, be they relatives, friends, or people you've never met on the internet. By focusing on you, you ARE giving back to others.
Yes, you should be feeling overwhelmed by all the information you've just discovered. Like someone opened a curtain and showed you a mountain in your living room that you never knew was there. Now is your time to start digging - the rest of us will bring our shovels and help in what ways we can, but ultimately, it is you who will do most of it. All we can do is offer what has helped us. Each of us takes a different path, because each of us ended up where we did due to different circumstances. The paths and how we got here may have similarities, but there is no "right" or "wrong" way to go about recovery, it's the end result that matters.
We're here for you, you have a huge amount of resources available on this forum. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you need to give in order to get - while alcoholic families often work on the barter system, here no one does. We give because we want to give, we take what we need and leave the rest. No one keeps track and no one keeps tallies.
Some folks only stay long enough to get pointed to resources, others, like me and like DesertEyes/Mike stay here for our own reasons. For me, it's very helpful to keep my skills sharpened and helping other people helps me keep those skills at the front of my mind. My parents travel a lot, and can be gone for over 6 months at a time. If not for this forum, I wouldn't be on my A-game when they returned. And I need to be on my A-game when they return, as that is usually when they are at their worst, having just spent all their time with each other, and often forgetting any boundaries I had set previously.
In other words, you help me as much as I help you. So no tally sheets, okay?
May you have a peaceful holiday.
You have started down a long and occasionally painful journey to a healthy you. Sometimes you will run up against what seems like insurmountable problems that you simply can't overcome. When that happens, pick something new to work on.
It is not (repeat: NOT) selfish to focus on yourself. It is not selfish to take care of you. Those are the old patterns, the old tapes playing in your head. You can give feedback when you feel it is right and you are ready. Until then, we are all here to give to each other and take from each other. I don't just give, every post I make, I'm taking something from each of you. Life does not come with a "give" and "take" balance sheet.
You keep taking until you feel like you've got all you need (note: not want, sometimes what we need is not what we want). And go take your life "balance sheet" and burn it. By being a better you, you will be a more positive force in other people's lives, be they relatives, friends, or people you've never met on the internet. By focusing on you, you ARE giving back to others.
Yes, you should be feeling overwhelmed by all the information you've just discovered. Like someone opened a curtain and showed you a mountain in your living room that you never knew was there. Now is your time to start digging - the rest of us will bring our shovels and help in what ways we can, but ultimately, it is you who will do most of it. All we can do is offer what has helped us. Each of us takes a different path, because each of us ended up where we did due to different circumstances. The paths and how we got here may have similarities, but there is no "right" or "wrong" way to go about recovery, it's the end result that matters.
We're here for you, you have a huge amount of resources available on this forum. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you need to give in order to get - while alcoholic families often work on the barter system, here no one does. We give because we want to give, we take what we need and leave the rest. No one keeps track and no one keeps tallies.
Some folks only stay long enough to get pointed to resources, others, like me and like DesertEyes/Mike stay here for our own reasons. For me, it's very helpful to keep my skills sharpened and helping other people helps me keep those skills at the front of my mind. My parents travel a lot, and can be gone for over 6 months at a time. If not for this forum, I wouldn't be on my A-game when they returned. And I need to be on my A-game when they return, as that is usually when they are at their worst, having just spent all their time with each other, and often forgetting any boundaries I had set previously.
In other words, you help me as much as I help you. So no tally sheets, okay?
May you have a peaceful holiday.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Hello Hopeful
My mom and dad were both alcoholics, my whole life growing up. My mom got sober 2yrs after I moved out. My father never got sober and died a little over 2yrs ago.
I know you will find some great support here among us acoa's and I wish you the best of luck on your recovery work.
Love to my acoa family,
Growing
My mom and dad were both alcoholics, my whole life growing up. My mom got sober 2yrs after I moved out. My father never got sober and died a little over 2yrs ago.
I know you will find some great support here among us acoa's and I wish you the best of luck on your recovery work.
Love to my acoa family,
Growing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
Thanks for the words of wisdom Growing. This holiday has been so strange. I've gone from reading that book and everything being suddenly clear to everything just being confusing again. I guess that's from yesterday's visit with my dad. Oh well.....I guess one day at a time right??
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
One day at a time...thats the way.
Be gentle with yourself. This thing takes time.
When I found out I was acoa, I was just ...numb.
It took a while just to feel again..then I let the feelings come, over time..then I got confused..then I remembered some stuff..then I got mad....then I got depressed...then I tried to add my mom back into my life with no boundaries, just because she was sober and in AA and everyone in AA was convinced that she was really working the program, and she was, she is still sober, but driving everyone crazy with her codie behaviors...then my recovery took a beating...now, thank my HP, I am here and am re-evaluating how much of a role I want my mom to play in my life...and I am finding out it may be very limited.
I share that so that you can see that there are many ups and downs...but I am experiencing joy and peace for the first time in my life working the program to the best of my ability.
Acoa and al-anon groups are great. The support you get there is necessary, I think. They have been where we are at. You can't beat helping newcomers, it feels great. Their are plenty of people out there who *want* to hear what you have to say (unlike our parents sometimes LOL).
I love the idea of *family of choice*.
Welcome to the family,
Growing
Be gentle with yourself. This thing takes time.
When I found out I was acoa, I was just ...numb.
It took a while just to feel again..then I let the feelings come, over time..then I got confused..then I remembered some stuff..then I got mad....then I got depressed...then I tried to add my mom back into my life with no boundaries, just because she was sober and in AA and everyone in AA was convinced that she was really working the program, and she was, she is still sober, but driving everyone crazy with her codie behaviors...then my recovery took a beating...now, thank my HP, I am here and am re-evaluating how much of a role I want my mom to play in my life...and I am finding out it may be very limited.
I share that so that you can see that there are many ups and downs...but I am experiencing joy and peace for the first time in my life working the program to the best of my ability.
Acoa and al-anon groups are great. The support you get there is necessary, I think. They have been where we are at. You can't beat helping newcomers, it feels great. Their are plenty of people out there who *want* to hear what you have to say (unlike our parents sometimes LOL).
I love the idea of *family of choice*.
Welcome to the family,
Growing
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