Wascally Wabbit

And the anxiety and complaining commence!
Thank goodness I have a place to vent.
The first night she was here, she complained about her eyes till I thought I would tell her to shut the **** up. I didn't though, instead I started talking over her about something else.
She wound up putting on sunglasses inside. Mind you, it's been cloudy and raining and there is no sunlight, and only one light is on in the house! She does this to evoke some kind of response from me that she can refute, and to force me to realize that she is so "sick" with everything under the sun.

She claims to have macular degeneration and lights bother her eyes. She wouldn't even look at a slide show on the computer of her great granddaughter because the changing of the photos hurt her eyes.

Ok, so why can she sit under a very bright light and read for hours?

I gave her my bed so she could sleep well, and I am sleeping on the bed in the living room. She goes to bed at 9pm. I go at midnight. It's the only time I can get some alone time, so I stay up and enjoy it.

Well, this means she's up at 6am. Crashing around, and LOUDLY slurping coffee till I am forced to get up.

What I hate about the whole thing is the intense resentment I feel towards her. I don't want to feel this way. It's like every little tiny thing she does makes me want to send her home.

I really try to ignore her continual annoyances, but it's hard when you're right in the middle of it.

Help me remember some things to do when these annoyances start a fire within me.

Chrysalis123

Well, my x-mother-in-law acts a bit like your mom and she would also do hurtful things to me and I would take her antics personally. A wise counselor suggested this to me. Make a little sign of something dear to you and hang it where you can see it. I made a star and hung it in several places. Then everytime my MIL pulled her crap I was to look at the sign and think to myself, "There she goes again. This is just like her. This is how she behaves and it is her issue not mine." And then I would affirm myself. For some reason this hepled me to detach and carry on with my day and made my visits with her more tolerable. Maybe this will help you. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Growing

Wabbit,

I enjoy your comments so much on this board!

((((((wabbit))))))

First, let me say I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I can really relate to the early morning, loud crashing and coffee slurping! My mom does the exact same thing when she visits. What the heck is up with that? Do they learn this somewhere?

The only thing that helps me, sometimes, in a situation like this, is I remember what it was like to *live this way everyday*.

Thank goodness you don't have to LIVE this way anymore. Now, you just have to *endure* "temporary stretches" of time like this. Or not! Its your choice now.

I relate very much to this, because, I too, see my mother occasionally and endure similar things. But it is what I choose to do.

Talking over her when she gets unreasonable is good. They don't get to keep the focus on them and something they have said a million times.

These things are impossible to ignore. It is too hard to try to pretend they don't bother you. That, acting and pretending will stress you out more than anything. You never get to be yourself. So, I am learning, that I need to *deal with each thing as it comes*.

Example: Mom starts talking/focusing our conversation on HER male aquaintances that she is moderately or severely obsessed with, at the moment. Last time I asked her, "mom, why do you feel the need to talk about men right now?" She was surprized and speechless! I never used to say anything! Mom speechless=good for me.

Mom over-analyzes/constantly complains about my brothers driving. I tell her, "mom, if he misses a turn, it will be o.k. He can just turn around." Mom=angry, sullen and speechless. (because I never *used* to say anything!) I say something=Mom, angry, sullen, silent=better than yelling at my brother constantly!

My advice, acknowledge each annoyance in a calm, matter of fact manner. Don't say, "Why do you always...you should....ect". Just acknowledge what is happening. Imagine that you are a computer, just stating the facts. Like a mirror. This will make you feel tons better. You will no longer be acting. You trade one strained existence, for another, more tolerable somewhat strained existence with her.

I used to spend so much time trying to protect my mom from how annoyed I was with her. This didn't help her or me.

Once they get over the shock of having to listen to our thoughts, I think, they may just respect us more in the long run. I think my mom lost respect for me as I let each thing go, even though it made it *comfortable* for her.

Maybe my mom won't want to be around me very much anymore when she knows the *jig is up*. But that is a risk I am willing to take, to have what I define as a more healthy relationship, overall.

Me, speaking up, gives me the confidence to enjoy what IS working in my and moms relationship. I get this "free feeling" that helps me see the forest for the trees.

My mother has a beautiful singing voice. After I spoke up, in the car, after mom kept yelling at my brother for his driving (which is FINE, by the way--his driving) She sat there angry and silent. I later, told her how happy it made me to hear her singing along to the music on the radio, in the car. Believe me, she didn't know what to say or how to act...That made me feel good.

Hang in there Wabbit,

This visit, too, shall pass, lol

Growing

Wascally Wabbit

Chrystalis, I hav just put up my favorite doll, Raggedy Ann, on the shelf so I can look at her. She was my most favorite doll when I was a kid. So, thank you for that bit of advice!!

Growing, thank you so much for clearing my head. I get so wrapped up in my own misery when she's around that I forget it's only for a little while.
She's been staying in the bedroom for most of the time. This is because she can't stand the TV and any "noise". So, I say, GOOD! She'll come out when she feels like it.

I will re read these posts to keep me focused through out this weekend and Christmas!

Yellow

You and I have similar experiences. Before my mom died, I also had resentment that ate away at our relationship this past year. I don't think I got annoyed with my mom's daily health complaints, but I began to get overly frustrated. Is that the same thing? She would call me and describe her health conditions and it finally got to the point when she was calling me consistently to say she thought she was dieing. It became unbearable and painful because I didn't know what to do. She lived 8 hours away and I began to avoid her phone calls. Well, she did die as a result from years of alcohol abuse. I understand how difficult it is when all you desire is a healthy relationship with your mother. I loved her dearly, but I couldn't forget all her mistakes and stories of hospital visits when she was going through DTs. This disease changes everyone it touches and unfortunately, you and I have been ones effected by it. Our past has been written, but we can change how we live in the future. Forgive your mother for your own sanity. God Bless You. I know it can and is very hard.

Yellow

Growing

I agree with Yellow that it is good to forgive our parents, for sanities sake.

I lost my father to alcoholism..he never saw one sober day. I wrote him a letter and forgave him and asked for forgiveness, 2 weeks before he died. That was my HP at work and I am very grateful.

For me, the forgiving process, also means setting boundaries, so that new resentments don't build up. This way, there is a chance for some healthy interaction with my mom which is good for both of us.

My mom and I work on making amends yearly and forgiveness is an ongoing process for us. Different people, different types of forgiveness.

The hardest forgiveness of all is to forgive ourselves. I can't beat myself up for the hurt, anger and frustration that I felt/feel. That comes with the territory when dealing with the family disease of alcohol addiction. I have to forgive, accept and let go. When I resent myself, I have turned away from the program. Accepting *who* my mother trully is, is not the same as resenting her. Or, at least, it doesn't have to be.

Today, I accept myself and the truth that I *will* get annoyed with mom on certain issues. I accept that, take care of me, set boundaries/speak up and move on. She is welcome to do the exact same thing.

My mom began her recovery 11 yrs ago and is always going to meetings. Now she and I have an opportunity to learn how to deal with eachother in a healthy way. How well we both *use the tools* is a different story. Sometimes she corrects me! Recovery is so different between people, as you all know, but always beautiful.

Good luck Wabbit!

Growing

Wascally Wabbit

Yellow, are you sure we don't have the same mom?

Growing, you have the patience of a saint! You know, I can deal with her just fine from a distance.
I am going to do my best to realize that she will be here for a short time and I can deal with that.
I could go on about how weird she is about everything. But, I can't change that.
She won't even watch a movie with the family. Not even "Its a wonderful life"! She will stomp off into the bedroom.
All she wants to do is live in a dark room with no sound. What a life!

Lauriejess

I'm glad you were able to refrain from saying that. Thank god we can just say whatever we want in our heads:-))

I hope the visit won't be too painful for you. I can understand where you are coming from.


Laurie

Wascally Wabbit

Amen, Laurie. If I even opened my mouth and said one single thing, it would end up with me being the one who is crazy!
>sigh<

GingerM

Two helpful suggestions I've seen repeated on this board, both of which I use depending on the person and the situation:

1. Your mom's words have no more meaning than the quacking of a duck. So everytime she launches into pity party mode, just think of the sounds she's making as that of a duck quacking. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. It works pretty well for me for people who don't know how to push my buttons perfectly.

2. Work on the assumption that your mother is essentially insane. If you were to walk by a homeless person on the sidewalk and they started screaming obscenities at you and calling you all kinds of filth and foul, would you believe them? Or would you just say "wow, that is one messed up person!". You can imagine your mom as a homeless person, or some prefer to imagine them inside an insane asylum talking to you out of their window. Either way, putting your mom in the perspective of being mentally 'not in my reality' is a fair approximation of the truth (at least I know my parents don't occupy my reality most of the time, they're in their own worlds). And the words cease to rub the wrong way then, because our brains have an easier time dismissing people who don't share our reality (which explains a lot about politics). If you assume she does share your reality, then her words carry meaning. I find this one works best for me with people who know exactly what buttons to push to infuriate me. I use the homeless person on the sidewalk image, but any image that carries the connotation of insanity will work. Heck, put her in a straight jacket, not only will that connote insanity, it might make you feel better too

Yellow

Wascally Wabbit,

My mother rode the pity pot bus, and as difficult as it was to hear such negative things come out of her mouth, I miss hearing from her. She was a phone person and she called me everyday. I know I don't miss the sadness some calls created in my heart, but I crave her voice. I was so codependent, and didn't really realize it until now. I always preached to her about life and health. My role wasn't the daughter anymore. I would talk to her as if a parent was scolding his/her child. Remember to set boundaries and make her aware of your feelings about the past because doing so is the only way you can release your resentments. You will probably notice less of her annoyances. Have a Merry Christmas! I look forward to hearing from you soon. God Bless>Good Luck.

Sincerely,
Yellow

Wascally Wabbit

Ginger, that's right on target. I forgot the quacking duck! That's what it is for sure. :chatter

I have used the visual of her in a mental institution, hollering at me through the barred window. It does put it into perspective. I need a "next step" though. Ok, so I see the crazy person, but what do you do when their in your face all day long? Do I pretend to be an orderly at the mental hospital?


If I may, allow me to vent! She complained ALL FREAKING DAY. The baby has too many toys for Christmas. I don't like to watch anything on TV. No, I don't want to hear Christmas music. I can't stand this, I can't stand that. I feel sick to my stomach. My eyes are bothering me. My back hurts. Don't you know tickling a baby is BAD for them?

I just want to scream, ENOUGH ALL READY! OK! SO you don't like anything in the world! Could you at least let the rest of us enjoy something?

It has all come to me tonight the deeper meaning of why she drove my sister off. Sis is no angel either, but she was driven completely insane by the horrid criticism and negativity. My mother NEVER EVER EVER has one single good thing to say!

Ok, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Now, back to recovery.
I only have to last 2 more days. LOL, it it were more than that Ginger, I would be the person yelling from behind barred windows!!

Yellow, I can honestly say that I do love her and if anything happens to her, I will just fold up. I would have a very hard time wondering why I couldn't have a mother I could be friends with.
I know you recently lost your mother. I can see your point clearly, and it is bringing tears to my eyes.
I am really trying hard not to let her destroy what little sanity I have when she's around.
I am learning to set boundaries and not respond to her insanity. I will survive the next two days. I will, I will I will...
Thanks to my friends here!

GingerM

For the next two days, I would spend them reminding myself that this is her problem, not mine, and that it is only my problem if I accept it (when I first started doing this, I had to "go to the bathroom" and say it out loud while looking at myself in the mirror to drive it home). Then I could go back, shield up cap'n, and be ready for the next onslaught.

I don't have one parent who constantly gripes, I have two, and they gripe primarily about each other. Visits to them were like stepping into emotional hell. Not so much anymore because I can see where there problem is and now have pity rather than irritation (which isn't to say that I don't use the "YOUR problem, not my problem, YOUR problem, only my problem if I accept it as mine" thing still, or the duck, or the insane person, depending on who's been hanging out with their buddy Jack Daniels for how long).

It may also help to remind yourself that it's just two more days, you can make it through two more days. You survived a lifetime of it so far, so you know you have the ability, two more days isn't very long - even if it feels like a lifetime.

At this stage of recovery, it's going to be difficult for you. You can accept that you are still in the learning curve and that it isn't going to be really easy yet. I suggest you do that, because no matter how well honed your skills are (I'm very good at listening to quacking), things will still get through, and you'll still have a button pushed here and there.

You may also want to try basic operant conditioning - this is the whole 'rat presses correct button, rat gets reward' type of training done with animals. It works on humans too. When she says something that pushes your button, do not respond to her (anyone who's ever had a child or a dog knows that even negative attention is still attention), then, when/if she's acting sort of vaguely sane/rational, talk to her at that point. If you're going to try this though, I suggest you read up a bit on operant conditioning first. The positive reinforcement (talking to her/giving her attention) must be given within 1 second of the desired behavior. It's not as easy as it sounds.

I've found operant conditioning works pretty well with one of my coworkers, or at least by ignoring her when she's "being bad", I'm not as overloaded by it.

hopeful2008

Rabbit,
How often do you see your mother? Do you both live in the same town? Do you feel as though you have to take care of her? I'm not as well read as and as experienced as Ginger on operant conditioning, but that sounds like a good plan. Eventually, when you stop giving her the reaction that she desires, maybe she'll lay off! Just remember, she is your mother and you should try to find a way to love her, but she's not in control of you anymore. Try to enjoy what's left of CHristmas and good luck with your mom!

GingerM

I don't love my mother. I respect her as I would any other human being, but beyond that, there is no love. I used to believe I was supposed to love her, that I should try to love her, that I should love her. Then I started recovery and found that trying to make myself feel something I don't feel isn't doing me any good.

I doubt that I will cry when she dies, except, perhaps, the mourning for what might have been but could never be.

I believe all people deserve a certain level of respect simply because they are human (and all animals as well). I believe I have an obligation to not intentionally harm or inflict emotional distress on animals or humans. Beyond that, any affection I feel towards them is on an "earned" basis.

Not loving your mother/father/husband/other toxic person does not make you bad. Some violations are too severe to allow the intimate feelings like love to exist.

utopia

wow wascally wabbit (heh elove the user id), i do relate to your post. here is my experience strength and hope...for me. my expectations lead to resentment so i must be mindful of them. until i let go of wanting my mother to be a fully mature and sane adult i would get resentful. until i was willing to set boundaries like, knock before entering my room, no inappropriate joking etc. i also had to realise that with this disease of alcoholism, its generational. my mother is a link in a chain of people who are not well. not in recovery, most of her drives are subconscious. i need to focus on me and my program. must have literature with me and if needs be , go for a walk, scream somewhere, cry, call a friend, put an ice pack on my chest and breathe deeply.
need to face that nothing belongs to me but my own life and must be ready to let it all go into the care, the care, of my higher power. and when i get that discomfort, that gentle inner (hmm), thats my call to set a boundary. sometimes this means families dissolve. as i learn to love myself i am faced every time with incidents like this i try to salvage something that is sick at the expense of my own being....i need to know i am not a child anymore, my parents dont have the key to my happiness, i believe even if they turned around and got healthy, i would still ultimately need to find my own fulfillment within.

steps 4 - 9 have freed me and thoughi do still get frustrated, that rage that makes e want to rip her head off is gone. :chattereven though i might have the right to be pissed off and enraged its only hurting me, i choose love because I want to feel good, that is only possible with boundaries. a friend once said. without my no, my yes means nothing. i believe that resentment is the poison i take hoping shell shut up and die. forgiveness is the medicine i take knowing i deserve to live and let live. i have to work out myself what that medicine is. for me its my higher power and recovery. god bless and remember you are loved, you have choices, and you have a program. you also have us sending u heaps and heapsa love. peace.

Wascally Wabbit

Thank you utopia. I have tried so hard not to hold on to resentments. I tell myself over and over that she won't be with me forever. I have managed to get through several days without shooting myself.
She did tell my daughter in law that the blouse I bought for her made her look pregnant.
I immediately said, "What a horrible thing to say!" Mom just said, "No it isn't. She looks pregnant in that blouse."
She didn't look pregnant at all. It was moms way of trying to **** every one off.

Ginger, I have been reading a little on the basic operant idea. I will have to study it more and see if there is something I can use.

Today more and more, all I thought of was calling Dr. Phil!! LOL, I am afraid if we all got on his show it would turn into a Jerry Springer free for all.

I am making it one hour at a time.
She has been dropping hints. Well, for her it would be a demand, that she can not live alone any more. This translates into, WW, I demand you move in with me and let me treat you like a piece of poo, and wait on me hand and foot.

I used to get furious that she would even think such a thing. That I would want to live with her. But, the longer I recover, the more I see that she simply does not see, nor can she be shown any facts, that she is in any way imperfect. So, I just have to swallow hard and tell her NO. I am incapable of taking on any more people living with me.

I can't tell you how much you all have helped me get through this so called holiday.
She's not gone yet, but should leave tomorrow.

GingerM

Hang in there Wascal. I certainly breathed a sigh of relief when my holiday obligations were finished.