A sad confession
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
A sad confession
Well, I'm traveling home for the holidays, to a place where my few normal relatives and many abnormal relatives live.
After thinking hard about it, and more importantly feeling hard about it, I've decided not to tell my alcoholic stepmom, addict brother, and terrifically codependent brother that I'm coming, even though I only find myself back there once every 3-4 years. They may find out later, and that makes me a little ACoA-nervous, but I think this choice is right for me.
There is much happening in that dysfunctional part of the family that I can do nothing about, as there is a ton of denial, enabling, and sick behavior that goes on whether I'm there or not, supportive or silent. I've never been welcome to stay at my childhood home -- ever, since I moved out and my room was turned into a craft room within three days -- and the most we have ever done together is a dinner get-together where I can listen to four hours of how terrible life is, all the medical problems, racist observations, and nary a "how is YOUR life?" to be found in it all. I haven't received even a tiny gift from anyone in that cluster of relatives since I was 13 (that's more than 30 years, by the way....)
So this year, I've let myself off the hook, in the hopes that my visits with the remainder of the family will actually be joyous.
Feels so weird. Relieved, but weird.
Anyone ever done this, or is this just terrible behavior on my part?
After thinking hard about it, and more importantly feeling hard about it, I've decided not to tell my alcoholic stepmom, addict brother, and terrifically codependent brother that I'm coming, even though I only find myself back there once every 3-4 years. They may find out later, and that makes me a little ACoA-nervous, but I think this choice is right for me.
There is much happening in that dysfunctional part of the family that I can do nothing about, as there is a ton of denial, enabling, and sick behavior that goes on whether I'm there or not, supportive or silent. I've never been welcome to stay at my childhood home -- ever, since I moved out and my room was turned into a craft room within three days -- and the most we have ever done together is a dinner get-together where I can listen to four hours of how terrible life is, all the medical problems, racist observations, and nary a "how is YOUR life?" to be found in it all. I haven't received even a tiny gift from anyone in that cluster of relatives since I was 13 (that's more than 30 years, by the way....)
So this year, I've let myself off the hook, in the hopes that my visits with the remainder of the family will actually be joyous.
Feels so weird. Relieved, but weird.
Anyone ever done this, or is this just terrible behavior on my part?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
GiveLove,
remember it's ok to take care of you - how others perceive that action is about them not about you - when cannot set healthy boundaries and worry about how others will take those boundaries. Allow yourself the dignity to do what is right for you - You deserve that.
Wishing you a peaceful Holiday filled with Serenity & Joy,
Rita
remember it's ok to take care of you - how others perceive that action is about them not about you - when cannot set healthy boundaries and worry about how others will take those boundaries. Allow yourself the dignity to do what is right for you - You deserve that.
Wishing you a peaceful Holiday filled with Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
((GiveLove))
I would think, after what I've read on this forum, that anything you need is ok - no recriminations necessary or warranted. Boundaries and calm, right? And from what I have come to know about you, I know you are making the best choice for what you need.
These holidays are crazy, it seems. You should see the shenanigans we are doing at my house - too much attempt at keeping a sane face on it all, I think (I've settled on a SuperWoman costume; maybe I should decorate the elephant in the room instead of a tree!
). But the shenanigans, even if less than perfectly honest, is what the we need this year. Next year, who knows...
Hug yourself, GL; you are a marvelous person :ghug
I'm sending "safe trip, happy times & peaceful moments" thoughts your way...
UM
is this just terrible behavior on my part
These holidays are crazy, it seems. You should see the shenanigans we are doing at my house - too much attempt at keeping a sane face on it all, I think (I've settled on a SuperWoman costume; maybe I should decorate the elephant in the room instead of a tree!
). But the shenanigans, even if less than perfectly honest, is what the we need this year. Next year, who knows...Hug yourself, GL; you are a marvelous person :ghug
I'm sending "safe trip, happy times & peaceful moments" thoughts your way...
UM
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oz
Posts: 92
I did the same thing on my last trip home. I sorta felt awful about it but it was also great because I got to visit with family I had been forbidden to associate with since I was young. I got to catch up with my aunt that is a lot like me. It was a wonderful visit. My dysfunctional family has no qualms about using and abusing me. so i try not to feel bad about taking actions that are good for me but will hurt them. I also kinda feel like they are going to be miserable any how so this gives them one more thing to bemoan 
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
So this year, I've let myself off the hook, in the hopes that my visits with the remainder of the family will actually be joyous.
Feels so weird. Relieved, but weird.
Anyone ever done this, or is this just terrible behavior on my part?
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
IMHO, you--not allowing the dysfunctional relatives to ruin your holiday-- is not terrible behavior.
Not welcoming you to your childhood home, making dinner conversation intolerable, not giving you ANY gifts, and never asking or trully caring, about how you are doing *is terrible*. They go *out of their way* to make you feel like crap.
I know you know this. Don't feel guilty.
Sometimes I think, *they are so messed up*, its the least I can do---translate---
let them take a *dump* on me.
Not anymore.
Cheers to you for taking your holiday back from the "grinches".
Happy Holiday!
Growing
Not welcoming you to your childhood home, making dinner conversation intolerable, not giving you ANY gifts, and never asking or trully caring, about how you are doing *is terrible*. They go *out of their way* to make you feel like crap.
I know you know this. Don't feel guilty.
Sometimes I think, *they are so messed up*, its the least I can do---translate---
let them take a *dump* on me.
Not anymore.
Cheers to you for taking your holiday back from the "grinches".
Happy Holiday!
Growing
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