relationship with acoa?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 8
relationship with acoa?
i do not know what to do. I have been in a relationship with someone for a couple of years and after some things have happened again and again I think he may be a acoa. he has not said this. i have been reading some things here looking for help. how do you know for sure if someone is a acoa. is it a good idea to recommend therapy. would it be better for him to go if he is willing or should we go together. how can i help?
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hello and nice to meet you!
I have always been aware of being acoa, but my alcoholics were quite obvious about it.
You can't force someone who is unwilling to "get better". If they don't want it for themselves, then it's no use badgering, begging and complaining or threatening them.
Why don't you just come out and ask him if his parents had a drinking or drug problem? Sometimes being totally honest about the information you seek can open up a lot of communication.
I have always been aware of being acoa, but my alcoholics were quite obvious about it.
You can't force someone who is unwilling to "get better". If they don't want it for themselves, then it's no use badgering, begging and complaining or threatening them.
Why don't you just come out and ask him if his parents had a drinking or drug problem? Sometimes being totally honest about the information you seek can open up a lot of communication.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 8
i do know his parents are alcohics. he has said this. because he said his parents are alcoholics and has talked about his childhoood and his behaviors is why i am guessing he is a acoa. he does not think his past makes a difference, at least not with our relationship. he says he can deal with everything on his own. the thing is some of his behavors are causing many problems with the relationship
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Hello TE,
I ditto what Wabbit said.
I am an adult child of two alcoholics.
After you ask him, depending on his reply, maybe you could offer him a book on the subject.
Some people are touchy about being offered a book that hits close to home so be careful...but..I was and am a "book person" and I would have *loved* for someone to offer a book to me that would have educated me on the subject.
So, if he is open to the idea, maybe this could help.
Good Luck!
Growing
I ditto what Wabbit said.
I am an adult child of two alcoholics.
After you ask him, depending on his reply, maybe you could offer him a book on the subject.
Some people are touchy about being offered a book that hits close to home so be careful...but..I was and am a "book person" and I would have *loved* for someone to offer a book to me that would have educated me on the subject.
So, if he is open to the idea, maybe this could help.
Good Luck!
Growing
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Sorry, just read your new post...
We (acoa's) have all thought at one time or other that we could do it all on our own...pretty common.
The *unofficial* test of how an acoa is doing is the *health* of his/her relationships, so your doing great pin-pointing *the problem*.
Like Wabbit said. Honesty is the best policy.
Maybe you could share that you are educating yourself on the issue and invite him to join.
After you test the waters, then maybe offer him a book, or print out *the characteristics* and give it to him *at an appropriate* time.
We (acoa's) have all thought at one time or other that we could do it all on our own...pretty common.
The *unofficial* test of how an acoa is doing is the *health* of his/her relationships, so your doing great pin-pointing *the problem*.
Like Wabbit said. Honesty is the best policy.
Maybe you could share that you are educating yourself on the issue and invite him to join.
After you test the waters, then maybe offer him a book, or print out *the characteristics* and give it to him *at an appropriate* time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Hi TE -
I have another thread here, and my story is that I am married/separated from an ACoA husband who only has begun to "admit" his family's affect on him after 22/23 years of marriage (we've been separated this past year, and since our anniversary is coming up, I'm not sure if this year counts or not...). I was certain that his childhood had affected him, but he assured me over and over it didn't. Everyone around me said he was sooo adjusted, amazing how well he did considering his past, etc. I thought that maybe I was wrong.
Nonetheless, I also kept thinking I could "fix" him; I was the answer to that "wounded child" I saw in my husband. Guess what? I wasn't. I didn't recognize my own loss of self, my own increasing growth of codependent habits, and my own inability to say to him that I didn't deserve his passive aggressive manipulations. He's the one who walked out, but I can see that both of us created a mess in part because neither of us would acknowledge what we were doing.
I tell you this not b/c your story is the same, but to share with you that if you are sensing problems now, see if you can address them. Find support for your own issues - and if you're like me, you have them and they were part of what attracted you to him - and try to gain strength. If your partner is like my husband, he is probably one of the most giving, loving people you know; be assured, though, that he may very well not welcome or believe any suggestion that he is ACoA - that will only come when he is ready. That doesn't mean you can't read up or find out information about ACoAs - try Woititz's book The ACOA Handbook - but know that you have to also work on whatever you have issues with. I wish I had known earlier how much working on myself would have helped me to be able to break some of our toxic habits. Now, as my husband works through his issues, certain that he needs to be done with our marriage, I miss that loving person; I know, though, that at least part of that loving person was a front he put on and one he couldn't maintain.
You have come to a wonderful place here at SR. Use the wisdom of these people; they are great! I am gaining my footing and learning how to love me as well as my husband as he is and not as the person I thought I could make him. I'm also learning how to let him go and accept that he may need to take his journey of recovery without me. Regrets? Yes, but that's life.
Keep posting and welcome. You will find support here.
Uncertain Me
I have another thread here, and my story is that I am married/separated from an ACoA husband who only has begun to "admit" his family's affect on him after 22/23 years of marriage (we've been separated this past year, and since our anniversary is coming up, I'm not sure if this year counts or not...). I was certain that his childhood had affected him, but he assured me over and over it didn't. Everyone around me said he was sooo adjusted, amazing how well he did considering his past, etc. I thought that maybe I was wrong.
Nonetheless, I also kept thinking I could "fix" him; I was the answer to that "wounded child" I saw in my husband. Guess what? I wasn't. I didn't recognize my own loss of self, my own increasing growth of codependent habits, and my own inability to say to him that I didn't deserve his passive aggressive manipulations. He's the one who walked out, but I can see that both of us created a mess in part because neither of us would acknowledge what we were doing.
I tell you this not b/c your story is the same, but to share with you that if you are sensing problems now, see if you can address them. Find support for your own issues - and if you're like me, you have them and they were part of what attracted you to him - and try to gain strength. If your partner is like my husband, he is probably one of the most giving, loving people you know; be assured, though, that he may very well not welcome or believe any suggestion that he is ACoA - that will only come when he is ready. That doesn't mean you can't read up or find out information about ACoAs - try Woititz's book The ACOA Handbook - but know that you have to also work on whatever you have issues with. I wish I had known earlier how much working on myself would have helped me to be able to break some of our toxic habits. Now, as my husband works through his issues, certain that he needs to be done with our marriage, I miss that loving person; I know, though, that at least part of that loving person was a front he put on and one he couldn't maintain.
You have come to a wonderful place here at SR. Use the wisdom of these people; they are great! I am gaining my footing and learning how to love me as well as my husband as he is and not as the person I thought I could make him. I'm also learning how to let him go and accept that he may need to take his journey of recovery without me. Regrets? Yes, but that's life.
Keep posting and welcome. You will find support here.
Uncertain Me
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