Husband is ACOA Part 2….
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Atlantic City, NJ
Posts: 2
Husband is ACOA Part 2….
Instead of trying to the find “the lost posts” from my last question I thought I would ask another one…. : ) This one is more about how to deal with his parents and their constant promises and disappointing my kids, particularly when it comes to visits. I am not sure how to handle them and my feelings when it comes to my kids. Little background- Father in law does nothing even though he is the drinker, Mother in law is totally crazy, dysfunctional, and enables him.
The most recent example is my MILs phone message to me she was not coming to my daughters winter dance recital today. The typical pattern is I invite her to an event – she calls my DH every other day to say she can’t wait to come to the event.- last minute she leaves me a message saying the can not come. This pattern happens all the time. We have stopped telling my kids they are coming so if they do by chance show up it is a bonus.
The excuse this time is because FIL is going to help move furniture at the Knights of Columbus. This cracks me up because the K of C is often used because it is a religious organization so he is “volunteering” but the reality is it has a bar. He moves furniture and then gets hammered. He also has taken his “volunteering” to the point of bartending at the K of C bar. How nice of him.
So my problem is the inlaws are the favorite grandparents. When they are around they go out of their way to spoil the kids. They hit the dollar store before they come in the house and bring a bunch of cheep toys that break before they leave. They come in like a tornado with all kinds of excitement. They allow every indulgence when the kids ask- candy, cookies etc. When ever I say Nanna and Poppop are coming to a ball game, recital or what ever they get excited and ask which ones and then are disappointed when my parents show up.
I don’t know how to handle this. I hate protecting my kid’s feelings by covering for the inlaws. I would love to say something to MIL but she is a reactionist and will freak and deny. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.
Any thoughts?
-Pam
The most recent example is my MILs phone message to me she was not coming to my daughters winter dance recital today. The typical pattern is I invite her to an event – she calls my DH every other day to say she can’t wait to come to the event.- last minute she leaves me a message saying the can not come. This pattern happens all the time. We have stopped telling my kids they are coming so if they do by chance show up it is a bonus.
The excuse this time is because FIL is going to help move furniture at the Knights of Columbus. This cracks me up because the K of C is often used because it is a religious organization so he is “volunteering” but the reality is it has a bar. He moves furniture and then gets hammered. He also has taken his “volunteering” to the point of bartending at the K of C bar. How nice of him.
So my problem is the inlaws are the favorite grandparents. When they are around they go out of their way to spoil the kids. They hit the dollar store before they come in the house and bring a bunch of cheep toys that break before they leave. They come in like a tornado with all kinds of excitement. They allow every indulgence when the kids ask- candy, cookies etc. When ever I say Nanna and Poppop are coming to a ball game, recital or what ever they get excited and ask which ones and then are disappointed when my parents show up.
I don’t know how to handle this. I hate protecting my kid’s feelings by covering for the inlaws. I would love to say something to MIL but she is a reactionist and will freak and deny. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.
Any thoughts?
-Pam
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
If they were my kids, I would be honest, but in an age appropriate way.
"I know Nanna and Poppop are very important people to you, but you have to be prepared that they may not always be available to you. Sometimes they say they're going to come and at the time, but then change their minds for some reason. This is just who they are, and you need to know that not every adult keeps their word every time they give it." (Good advice for ALL grownups for that matter).
That being said, all my children have fur, so I can't speak from experience. I can speak from my own experience as a child - my grandmother was the only adult who told it like it was to me. She made me feel like I wasn't crazy. In private (and only in private), she would acknowledge the elephant in the living room. It was good, even at a pretty young age (pre-kindergarten), to have one adult who would answer my questions honestly and not tell me "everything's fine" when I could obviously tell it wasn't. Even if my parents were behaving normally at the time, I could pick up on something "not right" going on with the adults in the room and that made me nervous. Grandma told me (in a simplified way) what was going on.
That made a HUGE difference in whether I turned out a little screwed up or a lot.
"I know Nanna and Poppop are very important people to you, but you have to be prepared that they may not always be available to you. Sometimes they say they're going to come and at the time, but then change their minds for some reason. This is just who they are, and you need to know that not every adult keeps their word every time they give it." (Good advice for ALL grownups for that matter).
That being said, all my children have fur, so I can't speak from experience. I can speak from my own experience as a child - my grandmother was the only adult who told it like it was to me. She made me feel like I wasn't crazy. In private (and only in private), she would acknowledge the elephant in the living room. It was good, even at a pretty young age (pre-kindergarten), to have one adult who would answer my questions honestly and not tell me "everything's fine" when I could obviously tell it wasn't. Even if my parents were behaving normally at the time, I could pick up on something "not right" going on with the adults in the room and that made me nervous. Grandma told me (in a simplified way) what was going on.
That made a HUGE difference in whether I turned out a little screwed up or a lot.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sounds as though you are doing just fine. You are not "covering for" the inlaws, you're just being realistic by not telling your kids whether they are coming, because in reality, you don't know if they are.
Also, just because they are your kids "favorite grandparents" doesn't have to be so earthshattering. My favorite uncle was a drunken mafioso - should my parents have felt bad that they didn't want us around him very much? You're the adult, you make the choices.
What kids WOULDN'T love grandparents who come and dump a bunch of cheap bribes, er, toys on them every time? Perhaps this isn't the kind of thing you want your children to get attached to anyway. You want them to have a relationship with their grandparents, sure, but it sounds like you want them to have a relationship with the grandparents you need them to be as opposed to the ones they actually are. There are no guarantees there, Pam.
If you are not able to point their behavior out to them (write a written record of this if you want to have the facts behind you) then you have to find a way to think through what's going to be best for the kids as they grow up. It seems like what you're doing is the least traumatic for them, as annoying as it is.
I have become confrontational in my old age, and tend to call a spade a spade. "Don't say you're coming if you don't intend to follow through" is a legitimate statement. Not telling them about these events is another, and if they bark about it, point out factually how they have disappointed your kids in the past.
Not sure why this is an issue with your husband except probably that your husband's inability or unwillingness to try to change his parents' behavior may be disappointing to you. You can still take the correct actions, while you work on that aspect of your relationship.
Also, just because they are your kids "favorite grandparents" doesn't have to be so earthshattering. My favorite uncle was a drunken mafioso - should my parents have felt bad that they didn't want us around him very much? You're the adult, you make the choices.
What kids WOULDN'T love grandparents who come and dump a bunch of cheap bribes, er, toys on them every time? Perhaps this isn't the kind of thing you want your children to get attached to anyway. You want them to have a relationship with their grandparents, sure, but it sounds like you want them to have a relationship with the grandparents you need them to be as opposed to the ones they actually are. There are no guarantees there, Pam.
If you are not able to point their behavior out to them (write a written record of this if you want to have the facts behind you) then you have to find a way to think through what's going to be best for the kids as they grow up. It seems like what you're doing is the least traumatic for them, as annoying as it is.
I have become confrontational in my old age, and tend to call a spade a spade. "Don't say you're coming if you don't intend to follow through" is a legitimate statement. Not telling them about these events is another, and if they bark about it, point out factually how they have disappointed your kids in the past.
Not sure why this is an issue with your husband except probably that your husband's inability or unwillingness to try to change his parents' behavior may be disappointing to you. You can still take the correct actions, while you work on that aspect of your relationship.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
=
I have become confrontational in my old age, and tend to call a spade a spade. "Don't say you're coming if you don't intend to follow through" is a legitimate statement. Not telling them about these events is another, and if they bark about it, point out factually how they have disappointed your kids in the past.
I have become confrontational in my old age, and tend to call a spade a spade. "Don't say you're coming if you don't intend to follow through" is a legitimate statement. Not telling them about these events is another, and if they bark about it, point out factually how they have disappointed your kids in the past.
I totally understand the cheap toy thing. Im a grandparent. I can't help it. I want my grandchild to be happy. Seeing her light up when I give her a little toy that costs a buck is precious! So what if it breaks. She is going to get another one!! LOL.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I don't see standing one's ground as confrontational, I see it as healthy defense of boundaries. To me, confrontation carries with it a desire to escalate a situation. Telling someone "I've decided not to invite you to the kids programs because each time you no-show, they are terribly upset" doesn't seem confrontational to me, it seems like "just the facts, ma'am". There are no attacks in the statement, there is no name calling, no blaming (you are not blaming them for not showing up, you are stating that the kids are upset *when* they don't show up).
All of that seems very healthy both for you the adult and for the kids.
All of that seems very healthy both for you the adult and for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I agree 100% Ginger.
It sounds like the grandparents need to earn the right to be invited to your kids' events again. To me, at least. Your kids can have a relationship with them some other way than getting their little hearts broken all the time...
It sounds like the grandparents need to earn the right to be invited to your kids' events again. To me, at least. Your kids can have a relationship with them some other way than getting their little hearts broken all the time...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 16
I am very confused about my AH's parents. They too are the NICE gps unlike my dad who never spoiled anyone in his life. The word spoil is apt. Spoil = ruin = wreck = destroy = contaminate etc. Remember that when someone says they like spoiling their kids or grandkids. H is alcoholic and has all the characteristics of ACOA, but I can't figure out that either of his parents is A. His Dad does drink pretty heavily but their lives are not chaos, they lead very "sober" lives. It doesn't add up. I don't really know what does any more. And why buy a child a treat to see their little face light up, you are doing that for you not for the child. You are using the child to make yourself feel better. My dad never did that, he never tried to make himself feel better through us, that has stood us in good stead through the years although we didn't know it at the time, it has helped me enormously to have had ONE parent that would do that, that would do what was right for us not what felt good to him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
