49er_fan

My wife and I have been having problems the past year or so. We have our ups and our downs. She has always been the type to say one thing and do something else, or say she'd do something, but never follow through with it. She isn't an alcoholic and she's a good person. It's just her personality, and previously in our relationship, I let those things go as her personality. I never liked it, but I always wrote it off.

Now that we've been having our problems, those "inconsistancies" are really killing me. Our counselor says we need to work on trust, but because she never follows through with things, I am never able to grasp any trust, I am not able to believe that she'll do something because she never does. I've had people tell me though, that she is ultimately a trustworthy person, and that she has good intentions, and that is what I should focus on.... her good intentions.

Someone wrote on the family and friends board that alcoholics have "good intentions". Not all alcoholics are evil, they really do have good intentions, but something along the way goes awry. I'm realizing that as an ACOA, that I've been trained to accept "just" good intentions, and not actions. I've been trained by alcoholic parents that good intentions are good enough. I realize now the reason I've put up with that personality trait in my wife for so long is because it was normal for me.

I'm realizing this is not healthy, and as I go through recovery, I'm realizing that I don't need to accept "just" good intentions. I deserve actions to back up those good intentions. When someone is going to tell me they're going to do something, I deserve their actions, I deserve their word. Unfortunately this is causing a larger, unexpected riff in my relationship because I am no longer accepting of just good intentions.

Anyone else have any problems in dealing with allowing other people's "good intentions" to affect your life?

GingerM

Ah, but she is trustworthy, albeit trustworthy in her untrustworthiness.

Example: We have a friend who is perpetually late. Sometimes obscenely late. Rather than berating him and expecting him to be on time, we accept that this is who he is. He is completely reliable in his unreliability. So we plan around him, we tell him we'll meet him *at* the venue instead of at one of our houses, or we tell him we'll meet him at the restaurant. We no longer set ourselves up to get burned by his inability to be on time. We do not judge him, or call him bad - this is simply who he is.

You said your wife has been this way for a long time. Why do you expect something different from her when she's given you every reason to believe that she won't follow through on her actions?

(I hate text for tone of voice) I'm not berating you at all, please don't take it that way. I guess I'm trying to point out that your wife is very trustworthy in her inability to follow through.

One trait of ACoAs is that we tend to expect certain behaviors of people despite all evidence to the contrary. It is a difficult trait to learn to work with and let go of. We expect our alcoholics to become sober when they say they are going to, despite years of experience to the contrary. We expect our parents to take care of us despite years of self-centered neglect by them. We have oodles of expectations which *we* place on another person, and then we are disappointed when they behave...just like they always have.

Perhaps reframing your inner image of your wife might help. Instead of expecting her to keep her word, expect her not to. When she does keep it, then you get a bonus day, and when she doesn't keep her word, then she lives up to your expectation of her and you are not disappointed.

That being said, there are some people where I simply can not lower my expectations far enough for them to reach them. I have one coworker, for instance, who I think of like this: I expect coworker to make at least 3 mistakes which will cause me grief and to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide today. I also expect coworker to ask me to do their job for them at least once per day.

Depending on how you look at it, my coworker either exceeds my expectations, or fails miserably. But I no longer place "normal" coworker expectations on this person because I was driving myself insane thinking that someone would actually do their job, pay attention to what they're doing, and not spend half their time at work on the phone with personal calls. *shrug*

I have used the same system with other toxic people in my life (the resetting of expectations) and found it works pretty well most of the time. Some people though, no matter how low you set those expectations, they can always do worse - those are the people I tend to allow to drift out of my life.

Sorry, I guess this was kind of long winded. There was a period in my own marriage where I went through something similar with my husband. He did eventually become aware of how much of a problem it was for me, and I also became aware that I was unfairly expecting things of him that simply were not in his nature. Somehow we met in the middle - he's now much more reliable, and I'm not as tightly wound about what does or doesn't get done (and if it's critically important, I do it myself).

SaTiT

yes..you mean you give a free pass to your wife like I do with my gf.
it's kind wierd becuase I'm train to accept things as they're and not
expect too much out of her.

But if I expect anything out of her..it cuase a rukus..lol
and i get fuastrated becuase nothing I say or do will change her
or she can't live up to my expetations..even thou my expectations
are like..you know the bare minimun.

She always has good intension and say all kinds of nice things...yeap
and if you kind of wanna piont that out to her..it's like wwIII.lol
So you stop saying anything or expecting anything..but if you
say anything..it dosn't stay at par ???
she don't do other stuff either or gets worst and worst..mine was an alki.lol

So you get tired of waiting around for her to do anything..You end up
doing everything..then you're tag a codi ? lol

so you'll go through a burn out and some people with damn good intensions
wanna give her advice and call me lazy..lol

it's screwie having the funk of dysfuntional

GiveLove

Hey 49er,

Is this something that your wife recognizes as well...this trait of hers?

Is it something she likes about herself...or is it something she too would like to change about herself?

If it's the latter, you may be able to work together as partners, tiny step by tiny step, to work on this issue. I can't imagine she LIKES the fact that she's like that. What if you were to work together on things like: practicing with a series of small, verifiable actions; setting dates for completing things; developing common language so you always know EXACTLY what the other expects, and there's no gray area (I know with my husband, that sometimes it's very clear to HIM what he's asked me to do, but it turns out I was wrong); having a check-in date once a week or once every other week to talk about progress, etc.

It all depends on whether you're able to communicate about this. If you can, then it becomes a joint effort, like saving for a home or working on a project together. I hope you are, because powerful things can happen when you're both pushing in the same direction, as opposed to pushing against each other.

Good intentions can become good actions if you practice. They say it takes four weeks to create a new habit. And to those who claim that "people can't change," I call bullsh*t. If someone wants to change a personal trait, they can. They may just not want to do the work, and do the practice. Hope your wife is willing!

Hugs,
GL

Uncertain Me

Hi 49er --

I read your thread and kept thinking of my husband writing it; would he say the same thing about me? I don't think I do the same things - saying one thing and doing another - but I'm sure there are things I did/do that drove/drive him crazy. With us, though, he never said that; he never tried to communicate to me what he needed from me and so I could not have known to change those things. I know now that his inability to voice need is part of being ACOA, but I can't tell you how much I kept wishing he'd speak up and say what he wanted.

Now that we are separated and on the rocks, he makes comments about things I did that he didn't agree with (running money comes to mind) or when he was greatly angry with me but never said (after I returned from a trip we "both" had agreed I should take). Some of those things I could have changed - I want to change for me as a person - but some of those things were more my h's interpretation than what I thought I was doing. Would I have tried to change if he had said what he wanted/needed? I hope so, but I never knew what I should change. I'm trying to change things now to make myself healthier, but I don't know if it will matter for my marriage.

As Givelove suggests, this is a chance to work together as partners. I'd give my eyeteeth to have my h want to be a partner with me on something - besides dissolving our marriage that is! Consider if you have given your wife the clear message of what you need, and then, if you believe in your MC, using that venue to help her understand what it all means. You're right that you deserve some follow-through, but I think the suggestions of Ginger, Satit, and GL are good things to consider.

No great wisdom here, but maybe some different perspective.

UM