puddin_n

I am 26 and my father was an alcoholic all my life. I can remember as far back as 3 or 4 when he would come home in the middle of the night and play the music as loud as he could and i would get up and dance with him...I had no idea. When i got older i was always scared to have people over because i knew when he came home he would be drunk and when he was drunk it meant mood swings. He could love me one minute and tell me to get the eff out the next. Well i evenutally got sick of that and moved out when i was 20 but now i am in a relationship with a crack/heroine/pill active addict and i wonder what the hell i am doing. After watching my mother in that sitcuation why do i want to do it. Why do i think i can help this guy (who is 22) and why do i crave to be loved so much. No matter how bad things got or how bad he treated me in the two year of us being together, i always went running back to him appologizing for things that he did wrong. Am i helpless?

GiveLove

It's because we tend to gravitate toward things that are familiar, puddin. Your mind might tell you that it's wrong to crave love from someone who's completely incapable of giving it to you etc etc.......but your body is wired to think that the uncertainty, the drama, the fear, ALL of that stuff is "normal." It's comfortable. It's what you're used to. We keep seeking that, even if it's unhealthy as h*ll.

The only way to change your life is to listen to your mind, get away from the damaging relationship, get a little help from a professional to help you identify and defuse all these behaviors that your alcoholic father taught you, and UNwiring them one by one. Replace them with something that doesn't hurt.

Then you will begin to be truly, truly happy. And only then.

And if it sounds like I know what I'm talking about (from first-hand experience) it's because I do. Been there too. I'm still finding weird little mental booby traps...years and years later.

Good luck and hugs to you. You can change this about yourself, if you want to. Might take a little bit of work, but you'll be so glad you did.

GL

GingerM

GiveLove said pretty much what I was going to say.

And I, too, have been there, done that. Left home, got involved with all kinds of addicts - alcohol, cocaine, speed, uppers, downers, pot, television, gambling, compulsive liars - you name it, I think I tried every flavor before I finally realized the only common denominator in all those relationships was *me*. And that if I ever wanted to feel healthy, I needed to work on making *me* healthy, not the other people.

It was and still is a long hard road. If you're truly motivated to escape the cycle of addicts, this is a good place to start. So is AlAnon or counselors familiar with ACoAs, or even AA. It's not an easy goal to reach, but it is reachable.

Wascally Wabbit

When it's all we know, then its what we do.
Thankfully we can unlearn this harmful behavior and our own addiction to unhealthy relationships. It takes time and practice.

SaTiT

yeap, it's becuase it was familiar and i knew how to function
or cope in it. While very dysfunctional and painful, i know it will.
it's not one particular thing for me.

it's serveral aspect or issues ( components) that makes up
an assembly or an engine the keeps me living or behaving.

the closest i can try to explain it is..I've never experince,
live, belive, perceieved, or think beyound, relized, awear.
Some people say a different life style or a different life..
bascailly a different world

but a part of me knows something is not totally right becuase of pain
There fore sometimes i create a fantacy to escape.

But fantacy and reality gets blurrr in a way that I don't
really know what real or what's not real...i think it's real. (normal)
kind of like I'm seeing a mirrage.
As in Faults hope or hope the my gf would change,
this too keeps me in the cycle.

The mirrage is not in such a way that i can't function or
drive down the street or complete other task in my life.
that's why it's a bit bewildering or baffling. Becuase i can
figure out other problems or resovled other issues...
why can't i see clearly when it comes to this ?

unresolve anger, unresovled pain also drives it.

SaTiT

There's a couple if movies that reminds me of
what I'm saying.
The Village
The Island.
or the metrix.lol

The island is about human clones being farmed for spare body parts.
The clones are lead to belive that their purpose or goal in life is to
win a lottery.lol The lottery is a trip to a Tropical paradize island.lol
So they live their lives in a facility and that was thier world ( isolation)
They're actaully happy too.lol
When they win the loto..lol it's time...the clones jump for joy.
only to be sent to death.

In the metrix..morphyous ask neo..the red pill or the blue pill ? i forget what color pill.
the red pill..neo gose back to his life and live out his exitence as he knew it.
The blue pill...sents him down the rabbit hole.lol (truth)

puddin_n

Thanks guys, i know i should talk to someone, a "professional" but i mean i'm in such a small town and everyone knows everyone and i wound't want to embarrase my family. Plus when i think of talking to a professional it makes me feel kinda"crazy" and please noone take offence to that but that's just how i feel. Well i do need to find love within myself because right now i'm at a breaking point. I shouldn't be in that position i mean i just bought a house i should be happy but i'm not.
Thanks again guys i'll keep reading and keep posting.

Midnightfrost

I know a huge step for me was getting over the worry of embarrassing my family. It kept me alone and afraid for so long. When I finally started talking about my problems and asking for help I felt sooooo much better. And I found out most everyone already knew my mother had a problem they just didn't know how to bring it up with me. The addicts in my life have always worked to isolate everyone so no one would talk to the other. It made us all easier to manipulate. My mother had a different story running with everyone. I don't know how she kept them all straight. But everyone knew something was up. And us all finally discussing it helped us feel less lost and afraid. And as far as the crazy goes. . . . if figure I'm doing pretty well coming out of my family only just a little crazy :mock

GiveLove

You may want to do something outside your town if it makes you feel so uncomfortable. I understand, but I also know that therapists and counselors and such all work confidentially. No one would even likely know. And even if they did.....which would you rather do, enjoy the remainder of your life, or please your family for the rest of your life? This is about YOU, puddin'. This is the only life you're gonna get. If your family truly loves you, they'll back you up in your efforts to get well. If they don't support you, well, maybe they don't deserve all the concern you're giving them.

I hope you find your way to peace. It really is worth it.

Hugs,
GL

GingerM

The first time I spoke to a professional, I was terrified. I've seen so many counselors in the past 20 years I couldn't even name them all for you (I think it's around a dozen or so) and each time I go see a new person, I get that same "they're gonna think I'm crazy" feeling. I just wade through the feeling and do it anyway.

When I'm feeling more rational, I remind myself that there are truly crazy people out there, people far worse than I am, that these professionals deal with. People who have to be locked up to prevent them from hurting themselves or others. People who live on the edge of reality and are one gentle breeze away from falling off. That's not me either. My issues cause me a lot of stress, my issues make me feel like I'm losing my mind, but somewhere I know that I'm not crazy - not *really* crazy.

I agree with GiveLove that you may need to go outside your small town if you can.

I also agree with Midnight's comments about how everyone already knows there's a problem, but no one will talk about it because no one wants to embarrass your family. It is so common, there's a saying about it: "No one ever talks about the elephant in the living room." Everyone (in and out of the family) can see it, but no one is willing to acknowledge it. Once one person says "hey, why's there an elephant in our living room?", others either say "I dunno, I thought you put it there" or they say "There's no elephant! Pay no attention to the elephant in the living room, it doesn't exist!" Those who acknowledge it will help you tremendously. Those who deny its existance will simply go on as they always have, pretending it isn't there.

Growing

I remember going to my first Al-Anon meeting.

It was in the town I grew up in and it was a very small town. People on the street called eachother by name.

I also felt embarassed and humiliated, just on my part, no one made me feel this way.

I thought the meeting would consist of people I knew (it did not).
I thought that I would lose all my friends when they found out. (I didn't)
I thought people would think I was admiting I was crazy and needed professional help.
I thought I would lose my right to consider myself sane.

I wanted to quit going for the first month.

But, a curious thing happened. I started to hear stories that were worse than my own.
(a real shocker for me)
I started comforting the other members. (what? I'm needed?)
Other members begin to appreciate me as I functioned in the group.

So in one month, I went from wanting to leave as soon and politely as possible, to loving the other members and helping them and receiving help in the group setting.

I remember, I shared in the second month that I knew two things: I would never be alone again and I knew what it was to be loved unconditionally. It was a turning point for me and things never were the same again.....in a great sort of way!

I went from being embarassed of my connection to Al Anon to being proud of myself and Al Anon.

When people found out, mostly because I became open about my connection over time, I found them generally to be curious and supportive. A few came to meetings with me! They saw the positive changes in me and the quality of my relationships improved.

Did some things I was told in the Al Anon meeting disturb me? Sure.
Was it always comforting and wonderful. No.
But when it wasn't it was generally because I, or someone else, was being challanged to grow and become more healthy. Over time you start letting what is not working for you go, and its an uncomfortable feeling at first.

It was the strength that I acquired in Al Anon that helped me move toward ACOA.

Looking back, I realize half of those wonderful people in my Al Anon home group were husbands, wives, girlfriends or boyfriends of alchoholics/addicts.

One of our books in Al Anon was called Courage to Change. I learned on this
SR forum that courage is doing something WHILE you are scared.