Midnightfrost

So I've moved halfway across the country to physically remove myself from my addicted mother so I could work on emotionally detaching. I'm in a group living arrangement right now that most flight attendants do the first year. I share a room with another person but I share an apartment with 12 other people. One of the 12 is an active alcoholic. He drinks and is always on the pity pot. I've been very proud of myself for avoiding getting emotionally involved so far. I caught myself contemplating getting all knee deep in the drama and trying to save him and recognized it for what it was and didn't jump in. But its hard living with him. He says all sorts of dramatic self depricating stuff and he drinks himself stupid. And of course he's charming and kind. How do they pull that off?! I came in one night and he was sitting alone in the dark just starring off into space. That tight chested walking on egg shells feeling immediately hit me. I went into survival mode. Can't set off the drunk! Then the other night he tried to get everyone to drink with him. You won't party with me? Why not. . . . you can imagine where that went. i just walked away but I was very uncomfortable with him in the house in that state. I felt very much in the alert, crisis mode like when my father was drunk or my mother was on the verge of a tirade. any suggestions for dealing with triggers that send you flying back into ACOA mode?

Wascally Wabbit

What a situation for you to be in. Is there any way you could get a place of your own? It seems like you can't get away from it!
I would avoid him as much as possible. Don't respond to him when he's drunk and don't feel sorry for him.
Survival mode is a stressful mode to have to live in. Especially with an already stressful job.

When I feel triggers, I retreat. I have to or I will be come a raging maniac! I usually run outside, or go in my room and shut the door.
Do you have a room of your own? Somewhere you can call yours, private, sanctuary?
Is living with 12 people a requirement of your job?
Find yourself a place if you can. At least you would have peace and quiet and not have to deal with it.

Midnightfrost

I'm saving up to move into an apartment with just one other person(a good friend) in the spring. My room is pretty much my own cause my roommate is never home. I hid out. I'm debating just telling him it makes me uncomfortable and see if he can avoid doing it while we're home at the same time. I was thinking I'd approach it from the I know this is my problem because of my past but would you mind not drinking heavily while I'm home because it makes me really uncomfortable. . . . . . of course this would be when he's sober. He's aware of my mom issues so I don't think he'd take it as me telling him he drinks too much and to stop just more as a please don't freak me out. I don't know . . . .

Midnightfrost

a little update. I think the flatmate figured out he was making everyone uncomfortable. So for the moment he's behaving himself. Hopefully it'll last for a little bit. I'm hoping another flatmate actually said something to him.

GingerM

While I don't know how other therapists would see this technique, *my* therapist is of the "if it works, use it" school.

With people like that, if they constantly set off triggers, I pretend they don't exist. I don't talk to them, I don't interact with them, I literally act as though they simply aren't there. It works surprisingly well. I guess it's the ultimate form of detachment, so deny a person's existance in my life. But for my own sanity, sometimes I need to fall back on that.

It sounds like you don't see him every day, so maybe this would work for you.

I'm glad to hear he may have figured out that he was making everyone else nutty with his behavior, here's hoping the change sticks.

Midnightfrost

Yeah I've kinda been doing that GingerM. I totally didn't want to become this guys go to person in the house for pity me complaining. I think he's been ignoring me as well because I've responded rather coldly to some of his b.s. complaining. He was complaining about our job and I just said maybe you should get a different job and walked away. Thanks for the suggestion! I was very surprised at how strongly his actions triggered old feelings in me. I was uber paranoid I'd fall into some dysfunctional friendship with this guy. Since mother isn't a part of my life at the moment I was afraid I'd use him to fill the vacancy! Not what I want at all!

Midnightfrost

Ugg . . . another depressed drinker has moved into the apartment. The landlord and i were discussing it. I was asked her why she keeps moving depressed people who drink a lot in. She wanted to know why they kept showing up on her door. I told her it was because she kept letting them in. They tell their friends! Definitely gotta stick by my March deadline. I don't like living somewhere that is so full of triggers. i know I have to deal with things that are going to remind me of my past but living with depressed drinkers is something I'd like to avoid.