New and wanting guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Growing -
Your words deserve a full hug and not just a quick thanks.
I can't tell you how much it matters to have your support!
I'll be ok; it's just one more of those less than easy steps one takes, right?
UM
Your words deserve a full hug and not just a quick thanks.
I can't tell you how much it matters to have your support!
I'll be ok; it's just one more of those less than easy steps one takes, right?
UM
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"it's just one more of those less than easy steps one takes, right?"
UM, it sounds like you are launching into the deep.
One of our helpful members signature:
"When you come to the edge of all you know, you must believe in one
of two things: There will be earth upon which to stand or you will
be given wings"
This helped me today and I want to share it with you.:
"Launch out into the deep."
How deep He does not say. The depth into which we launch will depend upon how perfectly we have given up the shore, and the greatness of our need, and the apprehension of our possibilities. The fish were to be found in the deep, not in the shallow water.
So with us; our needs are to be met in the deep things of God. We are to launch out into the deep of God, which the Spirit can open up to us in such crystal fathomless meaning that the same words we have accepted in times past will have an ocean meaning in them, which renders their first meaning to us very shallow.
Into the deep of the (HP's) purpose, until He is so illuminated that He becomes an omnipotent balm, and food and medicine for the soul and body.
Into the deep of the (HP's) will, until we apprehend it in its infinite minuteness and goodness, and its far-sweeping provision and care for us.
Into the deep of His Spirit, until He becomes a bright, dazzling, sweet, fathomless summer sea, in which we bathe and bask and breathe, and lose ourselves and our sorrows in the calmness and peace of His everlasting presence.
Into the deep of the (HP), until He becomes a bright, marvelous answer to prayer, the most careful and tender guidance, the most thoughtful anticipation of our needs, the accurate and supernatural shaping of our events.
Into the deep of the (HP's) purposes and coming, until His coming is opened up to us; and beyond these the bright entrancing ages on ages unfold themselves, until the mental eye is dazed with light, and the heart flutters with inexpressible anticipations of its joy with (HP) and the glory to be revealed.
Into all these things, our (HP) bids us launch. He made us and He made the deep, and to its fathomless depths He has fitted our longings and capabilities.
"Its streams the whole creation reach,
So plenteous is the store;
Enough for all, enough for each;
Enough forevermore."
The deep waters of the (HP) are always accessible, because they are always proceeding. How far have we advanced into this river of life? Our (HP) would have a complete self-effacement. Not merely ankle-deep, knee-deep, loin-deep, but self-deep. We ourselves hidden out of sight and bathed in this life-giving stream. Let go the shore-lines and launch out into the deep. Never forget, the "Person" with the measuring line is with us today.
---Streams in the Desert
(((((UM))))))
Growing
UM, it sounds like you are launching into the deep.
One of our helpful members signature:
"When you come to the edge of all you know, you must believe in one
of two things: There will be earth upon which to stand or you will
be given wings"
This helped me today and I want to share it with you.:
"Launch out into the deep."
How deep He does not say. The depth into which we launch will depend upon how perfectly we have given up the shore, and the greatness of our need, and the apprehension of our possibilities. The fish were to be found in the deep, not in the shallow water.
So with us; our needs are to be met in the deep things of God. We are to launch out into the deep of God, which the Spirit can open up to us in such crystal fathomless meaning that the same words we have accepted in times past will have an ocean meaning in them, which renders their first meaning to us very shallow.
Into the deep of the (HP's) purpose, until He is so illuminated that He becomes an omnipotent balm, and food and medicine for the soul and body.
Into the deep of the (HP's) will, until we apprehend it in its infinite minuteness and goodness, and its far-sweeping provision and care for us.
Into the deep of His Spirit, until He becomes a bright, dazzling, sweet, fathomless summer sea, in which we bathe and bask and breathe, and lose ourselves and our sorrows in the calmness and peace of His everlasting presence.
Into the deep of the (HP), until He becomes a bright, marvelous answer to prayer, the most careful and tender guidance, the most thoughtful anticipation of our needs, the accurate and supernatural shaping of our events.
Into the deep of the (HP's) purposes and coming, until His coming is opened up to us; and beyond these the bright entrancing ages on ages unfold themselves, until the mental eye is dazed with light, and the heart flutters with inexpressible anticipations of its joy with (HP) and the glory to be revealed.
Into all these things, our (HP) bids us launch. He made us and He made the deep, and to its fathomless depths He has fitted our longings and capabilities.
"Its streams the whole creation reach,
So plenteous is the store;
Enough for all, enough for each;
Enough forevermore."
The deep waters of the (HP) are always accessible, because they are always proceeding. How far have we advanced into this river of life? Our (HP) would have a complete self-effacement. Not merely ankle-deep, knee-deep, loin-deep, but self-deep. We ourselves hidden out of sight and bathed in this life-giving stream. Let go the shore-lines and launch out into the deep. Never forget, the "Person" with the measuring line is with us today.
---Streams in the Desert
(((((UM))))))
Growing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Journalling: Successfully made it through the holiday
Hi all --
We have come through the first challenge. Monday and Tuesday was filled with my husband and I putting on a strong face and trying to just make it through the holiday without completely upending the days for our sons. My parents were a part of it all, and though at times I have trouble keeping my boundaries with my mom, we all got along fine. I think the boys used the opportunities to show off for their grandparents to help release tension. There were many moments of goofy joking and shared "movie quotes" moments. My husband and I ended up mostly feeling sad but satisfied that we found a way to survive.
Now I have to return to me - to listening to my own inner feelings. My head is too often filled with the noise of "shoulds" and "wants" and naming and defining. My goal is to hear what my heart is communicating ... to hold onto what I feel. Right now I am torn between focusing on me - which isn't comfortable - and wanting to focus on the fact that my acoah is being very kind right now, although he never lets me forget that he only is treating me like a friend. He acts like he wants this relationship - that we can be "just friends" and easily share and support each other's changes. He tells me that he wants to regain my trust after what he did earlier this month - and I am finding myself easily giving that trust to him. Despite my attempts to not engage in any deep talk with him, I haven't successfully walked away from the "drug" of his friendly inquiries about how I'm doing, etc. The codie drive to just embrace his attitudes and find my fulfillment in his interaction is strong (kinda like the Force?
). That drive is getting complicated, though, by the fact that when I do focus on my feelings, I am increasingly feeling manipulated by his actions. How hard to leap into the deep, Growing, where I don't know what to expect instead of staying in the shallows where I know what I'm getting - even if that's unhealthy.
I can't believe how different these days are this year than they were last year. In no way could I have predicted this journey and series of change!
Well, the saga continues. The day has been snowy and gray. Hope you all are finding sunshine somewhere in your lives; I have been reading all of your posts and I'm glad most of you have come to the end of your own challenging holiday family times.
2008, here we come...
UM
We have come through the first challenge. Monday and Tuesday was filled with my husband and I putting on a strong face and trying to just make it through the holiday without completely upending the days for our sons. My parents were a part of it all, and though at times I have trouble keeping my boundaries with my mom, we all got along fine. I think the boys used the opportunities to show off for their grandparents to help release tension. There were many moments of goofy joking and shared "movie quotes" moments. My husband and I ended up mostly feeling sad but satisfied that we found a way to survive.
Now I have to return to me - to listening to my own inner feelings. My head is too often filled with the noise of "shoulds" and "wants" and naming and defining. My goal is to hear what my heart is communicating ... to hold onto what I feel. Right now I am torn between focusing on me - which isn't comfortable - and wanting to focus on the fact that my acoah is being very kind right now, although he never lets me forget that he only is treating me like a friend. He acts like he wants this relationship - that we can be "just friends" and easily share and support each other's changes. He tells me that he wants to regain my trust after what he did earlier this month - and I am finding myself easily giving that trust to him. Despite my attempts to not engage in any deep talk with him, I haven't successfully walked away from the "drug" of his friendly inquiries about how I'm doing, etc. The codie drive to just embrace his attitudes and find my fulfillment in his interaction is strong (kinda like the Force?
). That drive is getting complicated, though, by the fact that when I do focus on my feelings, I am increasingly feeling manipulated by his actions. How hard to leap into the deep, Growing, where I don't know what to expect instead of staying in the shallows where I know what I'm getting - even if that's unhealthy.I can't believe how different these days are this year than they were last year. In no way could I have predicted this journey and series of change!
Well, the saga continues. The day has been snowy and gray. Hope you all are finding sunshine somewhere in your lives; I have been reading all of your posts and I'm glad most of you have come to the end of your own challenging holiday family times.
2008, here we come...
UM
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"That drive is getting complicated, though, by the fact that when I do focus on my feelings, I am increasingly feeling manipulated by his actions. How hard to leap into the deep, Growing, where I don't know what to expect instead of staying in the shallows where I know what I'm getting - even if that's unhealthy."
That, my dear, IS the rub....
Just know that you have come...so...far. You recognize his deal for what it is.
You are like a different person now.
Celebrate all that you have tried to wrap your mind around.
Something crappy is happening to you. Your husband pulled the rug out from underneath you. Even if it was necessary for future healthiness, it is still crappy.
It is not your fault..Forgive yourself for codie behaviors now and in the past, if you have them, and move on. I know, easier said than done. Don't feel guilty for the past or for your behaviors..You are doing great today!
You guys made it through Christmas and it sounds like a success!! That is huge!
Yes, you have to still, uncomfortably, focus on you. But you will get used to it. You want to focus on him because it is easier..Familiar territory. But look at how a little focus on you has turned you around!
I am so proud of you!
Watch out world!
Your energy is so powerful when it is focused on you!
All the new people, in your life, are going to be so blessed to have you as a friend.
I am so relieved that you and your husband are functioning more healthily with eachother.
Go UM!
Growing
That, my dear, IS the rub....
Just know that you have come...so...far. You recognize his deal for what it is.
You are like a different person now.
Celebrate all that you have tried to wrap your mind around.
Something crappy is happening to you. Your husband pulled the rug out from underneath you. Even if it was necessary for future healthiness, it is still crappy.
It is not your fault..Forgive yourself for codie behaviors now and in the past, if you have them, and move on. I know, easier said than done. Don't feel guilty for the past or for your behaviors..You are doing great today!
You guys made it through Christmas and it sounds like a success!! That is huge!
Yes, you have to still, uncomfortably, focus on you. But you will get used to it. You want to focus on him because it is easier..Familiar territory. But look at how a little focus on you has turned you around!
I am so proud of you!
Watch out world!
Your energy is so powerful when it is focused on you!
All the new people, in your life, are going to be so blessed to have you as a friend.
I am so relieved that you and your husband are functioning more healthily with eachother.
Go UM!
Growing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Journalling continued
Yesterday was a challenging but growing one. My husband and I went to talk to a financial consultant, and basically were told we are way in over our heads. Not news really, but not what one hopes to hear from an expert.
The drive home was tense, in part b/c it's very apparent that divorce right now would be absolute folly. H was dealing with his feeling of being trapped - and honestly I was also feeling trapped as well; the result was all kinds of absurd talk. Once we were back at my house, he said he needed to go to his place - he wasn't fit for being around people as he didn't know what or where this all left him. Ok.
After he left, I then found myself focusing on his upset - I knew he wasn't happy, I knew this reality was defeating to him, and I knew that he was facing a huge sense of pointless future.
What is different about my responses to my thoughts yesterday, though, is that I caught myself. Instead of just obsessing on him, I sat and tried to focus on me - on my physical responses - and for perhaps the first time consciously became aware how aggitated H's upset and unhappiness made me. I could feel this great urge to "fix" and "control" and make him happier; I completely had lost my own feelings of loss and frustration. I knew I couldn't fix the situation - even if he let me - but that didn't stop my inner anxiety. I didn't quite know what to do - I jittered around the house and tried to keep from snapping at the boys. I ended up walking and then talking with my parents - but I kept myself staying focused on the moment.
I don't know why it should surprise me that I am that cued into H's emotions, but I hadn't before noticed me during these times and how much I would replace my own feelings or responses with worry about his feelings and responses. Today, I'm still a bit on edge - I want to talk to him and make sure he's ok and it makes me anxious that I'm not "in" on what he's doing - aka: not in control. But he's going through what he needs and I am making myself not call, not push, not try to fix. Instead, I'm cleaning my house so I can have some people over tomorrow. (Boy, is personal revelation the secret to what it takes to keep a clean house???)
No big news here, but one more step along my way...
I think I'll go out and dance in the snow later.
UM
The drive home was tense, in part b/c it's very apparent that divorce right now would be absolute folly. H was dealing with his feeling of being trapped - and honestly I was also feeling trapped as well; the result was all kinds of absurd talk. Once we were back at my house, he said he needed to go to his place - he wasn't fit for being around people as he didn't know what or where this all left him. Ok.
After he left, I then found myself focusing on his upset - I knew he wasn't happy, I knew this reality was defeating to him, and I knew that he was facing a huge sense of pointless future.
What is different about my responses to my thoughts yesterday, though, is that I caught myself. Instead of just obsessing on him, I sat and tried to focus on me - on my physical responses - and for perhaps the first time consciously became aware how aggitated H's upset and unhappiness made me. I could feel this great urge to "fix" and "control" and make him happier; I completely had lost my own feelings of loss and frustration. I knew I couldn't fix the situation - even if he let me - but that didn't stop my inner anxiety. I didn't quite know what to do - I jittered around the house and tried to keep from snapping at the boys. I ended up walking and then talking with my parents - but I kept myself staying focused on the moment.
I don't know why it should surprise me that I am that cued into H's emotions, but I hadn't before noticed me during these times and how much I would replace my own feelings or responses with worry about his feelings and responses. Today, I'm still a bit on edge - I want to talk to him and make sure he's ok and it makes me anxious that I'm not "in" on what he's doing - aka: not in control. But he's going through what he needs and I am making myself not call, not push, not try to fix. Instead, I'm cleaning my house so I can have some people over tomorrow. (Boy, is personal revelation the secret to what it takes to keep a clean house???)
No big news here, but one more step along my way...
I think I'll go out and dance in the snow later.
UM
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Every positive step we take is big news, and cause for celebration. So here it comes:
:bounce 
3
UM, make a snow angel for me too. Together, we'll keep taking those small steps in the right direction.
XOX
GL
:bounce 3UM, make a snow angel for me too. Together, we'll keep taking those small steps in the right direction.
XOX
GL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Yup, the dawning recognition of what we do to ourselves and how we perpetuate behaviors we don't like is a big step - and it's the one that I think is the hardest, especially if the behaviors have been going on during key psychological development stages (like the late teen/early 20 years).
But you can see it now, and that is HUGE! So a big Way To Go from me!
But you can see it now, and that is HUGE! So a big Way To Go from me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Hey gals -
:ghug
Thanks for the group hug! I didn't end the day quite as well as I had planned, but I still kept in tune during the day. It's not been easy - I can tell I'm off and a bit on-edge - but I'm happy that I have been even somewhat noticing me instead of him.
Onward to the next challenge! Bring it on!
UM
:ghug
Thanks for the group hug! I didn't end the day quite as well as I had planned, but I still kept in tune during the day. It's not been easy - I can tell I'm off and a bit on-edge - but I'm happy that I have been even somewhat noticing me instead of him.
Onward to the next challenge! Bring it on!
UM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Happy New Year, everyone! 
This past week has been ok - it would have been better if I hadn't been nursing a huge head cold that made me emotionally weak and grasping. The difference with my responses continues to be my noticing myself and what I am feeling. How crazy it is that I always thought I was the good one with emotions; instead it is me who must learn to hear my own internal voice.
In celebration of my growth and all of your teaching, here's a poem my husband's aunt sent to me today:
Once
looking at some flowering weeds
trembling in the breeze
I sensed their weakness
Today
seeing the same weeds
trembling in the breeze
I realize their strength.
Hugs to all - :ghug2
UM
This past week has been ok - it would have been better if I hadn't been nursing a huge head cold that made me emotionally weak and grasping. The difference with my responses continues to be my noticing myself and what I am feeling. How crazy it is that I always thought I was the good one with emotions; instead it is me who must learn to hear my own internal voice.
In celebration of my growth and all of your teaching, here's a poem my husband's aunt sent to me today:
Once
looking at some flowering weeds
trembling in the breeze
I sensed their weakness
Today
seeing the same weeds
trembling in the breeze
I realize their strength.
Hugs to all - :ghug2
UM
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Thanks UM!! Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!
You are right...sometimes our greatest strength is our flexibiliy...I mean, to accept "life on lifes terms" instead of trying to make it something it will never be.
I read in Anne of Avonlea this week something interesting:
"I'm really a very happy, contented little person in spite of my broken heart. My heart did break, if ever a heart did, when I realized that Stephen Irving was not coming back. But, Anne, a broken heart in real life isn't half as dreadful as it is in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth...though you won't think [I]that[I] a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and candy as if there were nothing the matter with it. And now you're looking disappointed. You don't think I'm half as interesting a person as you did five minutes ago when you believed I was always the prey of a tragic memory bravely hidden beneath external smiles. That's the worst...or the best...of real life, Anne. It [I]won't[I] let you be miserable. It keeps on trying to make you comfortable...and succeeding...even when you're are determined to be unhappy and romantic."
You are right...sometimes our greatest strength is our flexibiliy...I mean, to accept "life on lifes terms" instead of trying to make it something it will never be.
I read in Anne of Avonlea this week something interesting:
"I'm really a very happy, contented little person in spite of my broken heart. My heart did break, if ever a heart did, when I realized that Stephen Irving was not coming back. But, Anne, a broken heart in real life isn't half as dreadful as it is in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth...though you won't think [I]that[I] a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and candy as if there were nothing the matter with it. And now you're looking disappointed. You don't think I'm half as interesting a person as you did five minutes ago when you believed I was always the prey of a tragic memory bravely hidden beneath external smiles. That's the worst...or the best...of real life, Anne. It [I]won't[I] let you be miserable. It keeps on trying to make you comfortable...and succeeding...even when you're are determined to be unhappy and romantic."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Between the two of you, you've given me my "day's literature" to ponder
Keep the faith, UM. Practice makes perfect, and even on those days when you don't exactly feel strong, "acting as if" can carry you through to the next sunrise, where hopefully things will dawn a little brighter.
Hugs,
GL
Keep the faith, UM. Practice makes perfect, and even on those days when you don't exactly feel strong, "acting as if" can carry you through to the next sunrise, where hopefully things will dawn a little brighter.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Growing & GiveLove -
I do count on those reminders. "Acting as if" is hard some days, but I keep trying. Today I sat with another one of those times when I drew a boundary w/ H and we ended the phone call with him unhappy, and I have felt unsettled since with a wanting to call him and make it better. But I didn't call! (YAH ME!)
Still, I need to discover what one does with those unsettled feelings - where do I redirect my focus? - so that my day doesn't seem so jittery. I wrote out the dinner menu for the month, and talked with my sons about school, and we are now watching movies and hockey... but that feeling has sat there all the time. I guess I will need to just get used to it.
Growing, what a perfect quote! I read Anne of Green Gables when I was about 10, and I fell in love with her insistence that her "Anne" with an "e" was different than an "Ann" without an e. And yes, isn't it a bit of the romantic that leads us to want to wallow in being unhappy - at least about some things. I have been listening to my Phil Collins' CD all weekend while blowing my nose and dealing with a hacking cough.
For the most part, though, today's a good day. I will be much better once my cold is gone, but I have so many blessings to be thankful for! And the sun came out - despite near 0 degree temps - for the first time in a week.
So here we come, 2008... jittery feelings and all.
UM/A
I do count on those reminders. "Acting as if" is hard some days, but I keep trying. Today I sat with another one of those times when I drew a boundary w/ H and we ended the phone call with him unhappy, and I have felt unsettled since with a wanting to call him and make it better. But I didn't call! (YAH ME!
) Still, I need to discover what one does with those unsettled feelings - where do I redirect my focus? - so that my day doesn't seem so jittery. I wrote out the dinner menu for the month, and talked with my sons about school, and we are now watching movies and hockey... but that feeling has sat there all the time. I guess I will need to just get used to it.
That's the worst...or the best...of real life, Anne. It won't let you be miserable. It keeps on trying to make you comfortable...and succeeding...even when you're determined to be unhappy and romantic.
For the most part, though, today's a good day. I will be much better once my cold is gone, but I have so many blessings to be thankful for! And the sun came out - despite near 0 degree temps - for the first time in a week.
So here we come, 2008... jittery feelings and all.
UM/A
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I hope your cold gets better and I will be praying for that.
I don't quite know what to do with my "jittery" feelings, either. Some days I handle it better than others.
All I can think to do in those situations is:
1. give myself a day to grieve if I need to or have identified some "grief work" I need to do
2. do loving and caring things for myself, the woman, and for "my little girl" that I have inside my heart
(I bought myself a Strawberry Shortcake doll! I always admired them as a girl (I was a tom-boy mostly) because they were scented! I wondered if I should buy it because people might think I was crazy but I don't care and I am so glad I did.)
(((Um)))
I don't quite know what to do with my "jittery" feelings, either. Some days I handle it better than others.
All I can think to do in those situations is:
1. give myself a day to grieve if I need to or have identified some "grief work" I need to do
2. do loving and caring things for myself, the woman, and for "my little girl" that I have inside my heart
(I bought myself a Strawberry Shortcake doll! I always admired them as a girl (I was a tom-boy mostly) because they were scented! I wondered if I should buy it because people might think I was crazy but I don't care and I am so glad I did.)
(((Um)))
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