Midnightfrost

So I haven't talked to my mother in a while. I got an email full of attempts to manipulate and abuse me but I just understood it for what it was and let it sit for a few days. I fully replied to it just for myself not to send to her. Countering every point with my memories of the past and my feelings. Then I gave it all a good read over. I just sent my response(significantly shorter and kinder). I stayed firm on the point that she couldn't fly on my passes. I emphasized that I too would like my thoughts, opinions, and personal choices respected. I also countered her attempt to make me feel guilty about her "illness" by going over the experiences from my point of view. I didn't include any accusations. Just that I was frustrated when I felt like I couldn't communicate with doctors and loved ones because she forbade me to discuss her personal business. And I didn't know how at the age of 17 I could have been of anymore help when I couldn't even talk to anyone. And how my brother at the age of 12 couldn't be held responsible for not helping either. We're both now grown. But my mother still wants to hold us responsible for her poor choices. Its absolutely infuriating. I'm not sure why I even responded. I've spoken to some family friends recently and things are just getting worse for her. She got asked to leave her office and she's been evicted and is living with someone she hardly knows. If the car hasn't been repoed yet it will be soon. So frustrating.

Wascally Wabbit

LOL, I know its not funny, but I am beginning to think we're sisters with the same mom.
WOW! You stood your ground! Yay!
You know, I have the same problem. At least I am perceiving you have the same problem as me.
This problem is letting mom get to me so very badly that I get sick from it. Physically sick. Her manipulation techniques are so intense.

But, let me say that coming here, on this very board, I have learned so much. There are a few here with lots of experience in this and offer awesome, workable ideas that have helped me so much.
I really listen to what others say and how to do things. Like, how to respond (actually NOT respond, but ignore) her extreme negativity, and a lot of other techniques to disarm her and empower myself to be the person I want to be, instead of the half insane from mom kind of person.
I feel like I have come a long way too.

I had so much anger that I hated myself, and I hated her too. I don't feel like that now. Now, I am just plugging along seeking how I can protect myself from her. I love her very much. I just don't like her.

It's so darn sad. I keep asking the question that will never be answered! WHY does my mother, a 30 yr sober AA member who has sponsored so many, not recognize her OWN character faults? How can you preach AA most of your life and totally skip the 9th step with your very own children?

Around anyone else, she is loving, and kind. Around me, she is needy and manipulative.

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Writing the letters you will never send must be working for you. I have tried this, but you know, I wound up writing 10 pages. I could still be writing!!

You laid it on the line, you told her how far you're willing to go, and where you STOP.
Keep up the good work. This is the groundwork for further growth.
Happy Hugs to you!

GingerM

Sounds like you're doing well Midnight. While I'm sorry that you had to go through the whole "setting boundaries- *again*" thing, I'm really proud of you for being able to do so without throwing accusations or being spiteful. You'll respect yourself more as a result of that.

You had the choice of controlling your own actions or stooping to her level and allowing her words to control your actions. You *chose* to control your actions. That's a HUGE step forward. It took me many years to finally learn that when I get to that angry spot, I'm letting someone else control my life - that I am living a life of REaction, not action, and therefore I am not truly living MY life, but living a life I allow others to impose on me.

Big kudos from me on ACTING on your life instead of REacting! Have a virtual glass of chocolate milk on me!

roxiestone

Do you guys have room for yet another sister from a different Mother? lol I am going through this right now and it will flat shred your soul. I've been reading along and it really has helped. My last therapist actually labeled my Mom as an alcoholic that didn't drink- more of a narcissist, and suggested that I follow the readings of ACOA. It finally made me understand that I wasn't crazy. That the feelings that I had were normal for someone with my experience.

I'm struggling with the boundary issues, but with each appropriate boundary that I set (AND RESPECT) I feel a little lighter.

Thank you all for sharing your experience and thoughts.

Midnightfrost

Me too! I totally relate to the half insane mom kind of person. Its like this whole other person living in me. I can feel it coming on too. Like I'm being sucked down a giant swirling drain. Since I started limiting communication I haven't felt it. I like the word cognitive dissonance. I think it describes what I feel. like part of my brain is shutting off so I don't have to deal with the vast canyon between her reality and mine. I feel like I've made a lot of progress too. I think all three of us are determined enough too really stand by our sanity and our boundaries to make our lives our own and not our mothers (((Wabbit and roxiestone)))

I ask myself this all the time too. My mother is always diving head first into fixing other people's problems but she can't see her own at all. I think its the whole martyr complex. She's a daughter of a pill popping mother and an alcoholic father. That's why I'm so adamant about not continuing in the codependent lifestyle because I've seen where it leads. I've felt my body and mind falling apart under all the stress. It's not where I want to be!

Me too! I still hate her disease but I don't feel guilty for it because you can only hate someone you truly love. I try to really differentiate her from her disease because I know without it she is a good and loving person. I hated myself a lot too. I've really started moving past that now. I think I hated myself because I knew I wasn't living the life I wanted. I'm working on it now.

Of course Roxiestone! This has been a long process so don't give up! This forum has been so much help to me too! It really helped me take the steps I needed to but hadn't been able to on my own. I feel the same about the boundary setting too! Like a little weight off my shoulders each time. I actually had pain in my chest from all the soul shredding but with each boundary the feeling gets fainter and fainter.

((GingerM))) Thanks for all the support and encouragement. It means so much!

Wascally Wabbit

Roxie, we welcome you with open arms.
This place is the place to be!!
Post away!!
Start a new thread if you want.