In the middle of horrible mom & dad situation.
Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 5
In the middle of horrible mom & dad situation.
I can't even believe I found this...there are no words to describe how amazing this forum is. So, here is my situation. I am 22 years old, and my father has been a drug addict for my entire life...probably before that. My parents have been married for about 25 years. Their marriage is terrible. When I was very young, my father was in and out of rehab. But from about middle school through high school, it was the worst. He had no job, so constantly took money from my mom, or stole things from the house and sold them. I learned to sleep through their intense fights..my mom telling him to die, etc. Then I went to college, and it got a little better -- he was clean for a couple years, then relapsed, then anohter year, then relapse, then a few months, relapse, and just recently another relapse -- except this time he disappeared for 3 days. He finally resurfaced, and called my mother telling her he wanted a divorce, and saying terrible things as though she did something terrible. Even though divorce threats were always thrown around, I think this really might be the last straw.
My mother did everything she could to make sure I had a normal life...went to great schools, had great friends. Up until about a year ago, I spent almost all of my energy hiding this from everyone around me...even hid it from my boyfriend for 2 years. I finally realized that while this is too big a part of me, and started telling my friends...let's just say it wasn't that much of a surprise to them.
I've always tried to deal with it, but I'm having more difficulty now that I think the divorce is really going to happen. I actually want them to get a divorce, I think my mother will be a lot happier. and as for him...I am pretty much numb to him right now. I have so much anger inside me that I want to explode. I think my situation is a bit unsual considering that my mother stayed with him for SO long, whereas I think most people would have gotten out of a relationship like that much earlier on. She has been his enabler forever. I haven't tolerated his crap, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Does anyone have any thoughts/comments/anything? I just need some input..whatever you can offer. Thanks a lot.
My mother did everything she could to make sure I had a normal life...went to great schools, had great friends. Up until about a year ago, I spent almost all of my energy hiding this from everyone around me...even hid it from my boyfriend for 2 years. I finally realized that while this is too big a part of me, and started telling my friends...let's just say it wasn't that much of a surprise to them.
I've always tried to deal with it, but I'm having more difficulty now that I think the divorce is really going to happen. I actually want them to get a divorce, I think my mother will be a lot happier. and as for him...I am pretty much numb to him right now. I have so much anger inside me that I want to explode. I think my situation is a bit unsual considering that my mother stayed with him for SO long, whereas I think most people would have gotten out of a relationship like that much earlier on. She has been his enabler forever. I haven't tolerated his crap, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Does anyone have any thoughts/comments/anything? I just need some input..whatever you can offer. Thanks a lot.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have heard of these kind of relationships where the sober one stays to the end. But to WHAT end? It's a kind of codependancy that keeps the sober one there. At least you are not living in the middle of it. It's a lot easier to deal with at a distance.
Suggest to her to go to a few alanon meetings. It will help her get on her emotional feet through this difficult time and life change.
I know what you mean by being so mad you could explode. My mother, the alcoholic in my life, has been sober 30 years yet still does things that make me want to scream.
It will get better. Keep coming back and venting and posting.
Suggest to her to go to a few alanon meetings. It will help her get on her emotional feet through this difficult time and life change.
I know what you mean by being so mad you could explode. My mother, the alcoholic in my life, has been sober 30 years yet still does things that make me want to scream.
It will get better. Keep coming back and venting and posting.
Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 5
thanks wabbit....
however, I do live at home, sorry if i made that unclear in my last post....
that has become the most difficult thing -- while I'm home, there's no getting away from it, and if I go out, I feel guilty for not being home. I'm having difficulty with putting myself first. I don't want my mother to feel alone, but I can't sit by her side and sulk 24/7.
I've suggested alanon before, and that's a no-go. My mother is in total denial about everything. She is more concerned with what people think about us than what is actually happening. The ironic part is that she tries to stay as far out of it as possible, but still keeps him in the house. I try SO SO SO hard to understand, but I just can't. I've reached a point where I'm scrounging up change to try to move out. I have the option and the choice to move out, so if I have the money to do so, why shouldn't I, right? Is that wrong to think that way? I just don't know....
however, I do live at home, sorry if i made that unclear in my last post....
that has become the most difficult thing -- while I'm home, there's no getting away from it, and if I go out, I feel guilty for not being home. I'm having difficulty with putting myself first. I don't want my mother to feel alone, but I can't sit by her side and sulk 24/7.
I've suggested alanon before, and that's a no-go. My mother is in total denial about everything. She is more concerned with what people think about us than what is actually happening. The ironic part is that she tries to stay as far out of it as possible, but still keeps him in the house. I try SO SO SO hard to understand, but I just can't. I've reached a point where I'm scrounging up change to try to move out. I have the option and the choice to move out, so if I have the money to do so, why shouldn't I, right? Is that wrong to think that way? I just don't know....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi CaliGirl,
At this point you seem to have moved on and your Mom seems to be stuck not realizing that the neighbors may have a lot of understanding for her.
It would be good for you to move out if you can leave your Mom and not continue to worry about her. She is choosing not to help herself and worries what everyone thinks of her. You cannot change that. You have already tried to help her and she won't let you. :codiepolice
Try to look at everything in a perspective as if you didn't make this marriage get so out of control and you being there won't change it. I really am suggesting this because I cannot tell you what you should do. :sorry
In the end, it is up to you to help yourself.
Kelsh
At this point you seem to have moved on and your Mom seems to be stuck not realizing that the neighbors may have a lot of understanding for her.
It would be good for you to move out if you can leave your Mom and not continue to worry about her. She is choosing not to help herself and worries what everyone thinks of her. You cannot change that. You have already tried to help her and she won't let you. :codiepolice
Try to look at everything in a perspective as if you didn't make this marriage get so out of control and you being there won't change it. I really am suggesting this because I cannot tell you what you should do. :sorry
In the end, it is up to you to help yourself.
Kelsh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 16
(((CaliGirl)))
I'm sorry I don't have a ton of advice for you, but I wanted to let you know I can relate to what you are going through. My parents are going through a divorce too. They were married for 27 years. My dad is an active alcoholic and has been using off and on since before I was born. He is currently using.
I know what that guilt feels like that you are referring too. I felt bad too leaving my mother and brother in the house with my dad when I went to college. I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling bad, especially for my mom. I was afraid for my mom's safety, even though my dad was never violent. However, he was sooooo mean and irrational all the time...it made me nervous. My brother and I and some of my other family tried for many years to convince my mom to kick my dad out or get a divorce. She would not listen to me or anyone else. However, just over the last year-and-a-half or so, I realized that my mom is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions. Just as I could not control my dad's drinking, I could not make my mom leave my dad. I could offer my thoughts and advice, but I could not make her do anything. I started focusing on myself and a lot of the stress I had began to loss its intensity. My mom has now come to her own conclusion that she must divorce my dad.
Like everyone else said, try to focus on yourself. I know it is hard, but try not to let everyone elses problems (including your parents) become yours. That is something I am currently trying to remember and work on!
I'm sorry I don't have a ton of advice for you, but I wanted to let you know I can relate to what you are going through. My parents are going through a divorce too. They were married for 27 years. My dad is an active alcoholic and has been using off and on since before I was born. He is currently using.
I know what that guilt feels like that you are referring too. I felt bad too leaving my mother and brother in the house with my dad when I went to college. I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling bad, especially for my mom. I was afraid for my mom's safety, even though my dad was never violent. However, he was sooooo mean and irrational all the time...it made me nervous. My brother and I and some of my other family tried for many years to convince my mom to kick my dad out or get a divorce. She would not listen to me or anyone else. However, just over the last year-and-a-half or so, I realized that my mom is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions. Just as I could not control my dad's drinking, I could not make my mom leave my dad. I could offer my thoughts and advice, but I could not make her do anything. I started focusing on myself and a lot of the stress I had began to loss its intensity. My mom has now come to her own conclusion that she must divorce my dad.
Like everyone else said, try to focus on yourself. I know it is hard, but try not to let everyone elses problems (including your parents) become yours. That is something I am currently trying to remember and work on!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Hi Caligirl.
I am in my 40s. My parents are still married, and both are alcoholics.
I don't know if there's anything you can do for/about your parents (either one of them), but the one person you can help is yourself.
I strongly strongly urge you to seek out whatever help you can, be that through AlAnon, or individual therapy.
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 20. It wasn't until I found this site and read the 13 common characteristics of ACoA's that it finally all fit together. Since that time (about a year ago?) I have made HUGE strides in my therapy and now can take care of my own needs rather than feeling guilty about not taking care of everyone else around me.
Your parents are adults, they will make whatever decisions they make. You are now entering full scale adulthood - if you can find people to talk to who understand ACoAs and the problems we face and how to work with it early on, you will have peace in your life sooner than many of us found it.
I can start you off with your guilt about going out. When it comes to addict/alcoholic families, remember the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Repeat this to yourself as many times as you need in order to come to accept that you really have no control over the situation - consequently, feeling guilty about going out would be much the same as feeling guilty about going out when there was an earthquake in Peru - there's nothing you can do about it, and nothing you can do for it, the best you can do is take care of yourself.
You are a bystander in this mess, it is not your mess and you couldn't clean it up even if you wanted to.
I am in my 40s. My parents are still married, and both are alcoholics.
I don't know if there's anything you can do for/about your parents (either one of them), but the one person you can help is yourself.
I strongly strongly urge you to seek out whatever help you can, be that through AlAnon, or individual therapy.
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 20. It wasn't until I found this site and read the 13 common characteristics of ACoA's that it finally all fit together. Since that time (about a year ago?) I have made HUGE strides in my therapy and now can take care of my own needs rather than feeling guilty about not taking care of everyone else around me.
Your parents are adults, they will make whatever decisions they make. You are now entering full scale adulthood - if you can find people to talk to who understand ACoAs and the problems we face and how to work with it early on, you will have peace in your life sooner than many of us found it.
I can start you off with your guilt about going out. When it comes to addict/alcoholic families, remember the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Repeat this to yourself as many times as you need in order to come to accept that you really have no control over the situation - consequently, feeling guilty about going out would be much the same as feeling guilty about going out when there was an earthquake in Peru - there's nothing you can do about it, and nothing you can do for it, the best you can do is take care of yourself.
You are a bystander in this mess, it is not your mess and you couldn't clean it up even if you wanted to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
pretty much that same here.
My dad drinks like a fish and my mom tries to keep it together.
and i feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I tried to emotionally detach, but it is extreemly hard for me with my parents.
Becuase to me they still seem like they have all the answers becuase they're
the aurthory figure in my life.
it's been a rough weekend and I'm trying not to let it get to me.
I can't say I'm not effected by it..becuase i am.
I'm awear that I'm going back into some of my old behaviors.
I'm trying not to react like I use to.
I'm trying to to remind myself to love myself. Just a lot of negative
thoughts and emotions running across my mind. i'm hurted by it.
But I try not to beat up myself.
The reason I come on this board is because there's no acoc in my
area. Sometimes i feel like crying, maybe i am when i'm writting
this. I'm a bit drian by all of it and my spirit is not so high at the moment.
It's okay thou.
My dad drinks like a fish and my mom tries to keep it together.
and i feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I tried to emotionally detach, but it is extreemly hard for me with my parents.
Becuase to me they still seem like they have all the answers becuase they're
the aurthory figure in my life.
it's been a rough weekend and I'm trying not to let it get to me.
I can't say I'm not effected by it..becuase i am.
I'm awear that I'm going back into some of my old behaviors.
I'm trying not to react like I use to.
I'm trying to to remind myself to love myself. Just a lot of negative
thoughts and emotions running across my mind. i'm hurted by it.
But I try not to beat up myself.
The reason I come on this board is because there's no acoc in my
area. Sometimes i feel like crying, maybe i am when i'm writting
this. I'm a bit drian by all of it and my spirit is not so high at the moment.
It's okay thou.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there CaliGirl, and welcome to SoberRecovery 
I'm sorry to hear that your folks are going thru this nightmare, and that you've lived it your whole life. My story is similar, with a few different details.
I used to feel that way too. I never did explode, instead I bottled up the anger, and turned it inwards. That didn't work for me, I don't recommend it.
I dunno. There seems to be all kinds of combinations. My folks never divorced, they got each other in an emotional death-grip and were too stubborn to let go. Eventually they died from the physical damage they caused themselves from their addictions.
Start with the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There's book recomendations sprinkled all over, hit up a library and get some of those books. Since your mom won't go to al-anon just go yourself. Those meetings are great, and they have tons of wonderful books that will help you understand how this crazy disease works.
I'm glad you found us, welcome again.
Mike
I'm sorry to hear that your folks are going thru this nightmare, and that you've lived it your whole life. My story is similar, with a few different details.
Originally Posted by CaliGirl1234 
... I have so much anger inside me that I want to explode. ...
Originally Posted by CaliGirl1234
... I think my situation is a bit unsual considering that my mother stayed with him for SO long, whereas I think most people would have gotten out of a relationship like that much earlier on....
Originally Posted by CaliGirl1234
... Does anyone have any thoughts/comments/anything? ...
I'm glad you found us, welcome again.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
CaliGirl it sounds like our situations are very similar. I like you am also a 22 year old girl still living at home - and there are a few of my posts back from the spring and summer time here (feel free to look them up - I got some pretty good advice for what I was dealing with at that time) that described my relationship with my mother.
I worked through the grief of leaving her alone - she would (and does) sulk, blame me for her lack of a life, and even go as far as making sucide threts to emotionally manipulate me into doing what she wants of me. She also cried(cries) and (tho I didn't know it then) guilted(tries to guilt) me out of doing what I needed to do for myself so that I would stay attached to her. I am all she has. Her everything. Allthough our relationship for the last sevral years has been rocky - when I was younger we were "best friends" at the expence of my development and having friends of my own and learing to be indapendant. My mothers neediness and insecurity meaned I couldn't develope healthy attachments to others or become indapendant. She passed her disease of co-dependance on to me because she wanted me to be dependant forever. Even now when I attempt to better myself through school or talks of buying my own home she has something crushing and negative to say - in hopes of destroying my self confidence (often it works) so that I will not do the things that will carry me away from her.
I know she does these things because she is afraid of loosing me - her one only and all. She might or might not know how these things hurt me. She does them out of learned helplessness and desperation.
I just wanted to let you know that I am here (you can pm me any time) and I can relate to the feelings of guilt and saddness over the fate of your mother. I wish I knew what to say to make it better but I don't have much to offer but...................
I will tell you what I have realized. I have come to understand that the same way my mother enabled my father in HIS disease - that I have been enabeling my mother in HERS. Her disease is co-dependance (and possibly borderline personality) and the more I support her, coddle her, and allow my life to be controoled by her needs and emotions - the sicker I am allowing her to become. I have realized that the same way you haven't tolerated your fathers "crap" I can't tolerate my mothers. Feelings of guilt and shame seem to be planted by parents in children of co-dependants and enablers....you can choose not to let those feelings influence you in what is best for your lfie.
I worked through the grief of leaving her alone - she would (and does) sulk, blame me for her lack of a life, and even go as far as making sucide threts to emotionally manipulate me into doing what she wants of me. She also cried(cries) and (tho I didn't know it then) guilted(tries to guilt) me out of doing what I needed to do for myself so that I would stay attached to her. I am all she has. Her everything. Allthough our relationship for the last sevral years has been rocky - when I was younger we were "best friends" at the expence of my development and having friends of my own and learing to be indapendant. My mothers neediness and insecurity meaned I couldn't develope healthy attachments to others or become indapendant. She passed her disease of co-dependance on to me because she wanted me to be dependant forever. Even now when I attempt to better myself through school or talks of buying my own home she has something crushing and negative to say - in hopes of destroying my self confidence (often it works) so that I will not do the things that will carry me away from her.
I know she does these things because she is afraid of loosing me - her one only and all. She might or might not know how these things hurt me. She does them out of learned helplessness and desperation.
I just wanted to let you know that I am here (you can pm me any time) and I can relate to the feelings of guilt and saddness over the fate of your mother. I wish I knew what to say to make it better but I don't have much to offer but...................
I will tell you what I have realized. I have come to understand that the same way my mother enabled my father in HIS disease - that I have been enabeling my mother in HERS. Her disease is co-dependance (and possibly borderline personality) and the more I support her, coddle her, and allow my life to be controoled by her needs and emotions - the sicker I am allowing her to become. I have realized that the same way you haven't tolerated your fathers "crap" I can't tolerate my mothers. Feelings of guilt and shame seem to be planted by parents in children of co-dependants and enablers....you can choose not to let those feelings influence you in what is best for your lfie.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Are you prepared to move out if you need to? You should have a plan B in place always.
Staying in the insanity just makes us more insane unless we can have something to look forward to that is good for us. That being alanon meetings. Go every day if you can. Don't feel you have to fix your mom. That's up to her to do and if she choses to live in denial, then that is NOT your problem.
If you stay, refuse to get in the middle of anyone elses chaos, and don't be manipulated. Go to your room and close the door.
These are just suggestions.
I fully understand the complete insanity of living with an alcoholic. We simply must put ourselves on the top of the list of people to take care of. With that comes doing things you like to do, go places and get OUT of the house for a while.
Coming here and posting is also something to look forward to!!
Hold your head high, and read the book "BOUNDARIES: How to say yes, when to say no". It will strengthen your resolve to maintain your sanity and give you a how to say no lesson that WORKS!
Hugs to you.
Staying in the insanity just makes us more insane unless we can have something to look forward to that is good for us. That being alanon meetings. Go every day if you can. Don't feel you have to fix your mom. That's up to her to do and if she choses to live in denial, then that is NOT your problem.
If you stay, refuse to get in the middle of anyone elses chaos, and don't be manipulated. Go to your room and close the door.
These are just suggestions.
I fully understand the complete insanity of living with an alcoholic. We simply must put ourselves on the top of the list of people to take care of. With that comes doing things you like to do, go places and get OUT of the house for a while.
Coming here and posting is also something to look forward to!!
Hold your head high, and read the book "BOUNDARIES: How to say yes, when to say no". It will strengthen your resolve to maintain your sanity and give you a how to say no lesson that WORKS!
Hugs to you.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi,
Welcome to the family!! :ghug2 I am ACOA as well as a recovering codependent that spent almost 25 years in a very dysfunctional marriage to an abuser/addict. I have three boys, and the deepest shock of my life was the day I realized how much I had hurt them. The good news is that we are all much better today and are learning healthy behaviors and boundaries.
I'm really sorry that your mom doesn't see what is happening to you, and her role in it. My father-on his death bed at age 84-finally said "i'm sorry" and "I love you"; my mom doesn't have a clue that she ever did anything wrong......I'm sorry your mom won't see her role in the problem, or the pain it causes you. I'm sure that she is just totally caught up in her own disease. (Even though that is truth, it does not mean you disregard how much it hurts you.) There is really nothing you can do to make her see, you can, however, work on your own recovery and go on to lead a full and emotionally healthy life.
May I recommend a book to you that helped me a great deal? It's by Susan Forward and the title is 'Toxic Parents'. It's more than just a read, it has specific exercises that help you work through the *junk* in your head. Something else that has helped my whole family is a series of DVDs called 'Bradshaw on....The Family".
Keep coming here and working on YOU, because YOU are worth it!!!!
Welcome to the family!! :ghug2 I am ACOA as well as a recovering codependent that spent almost 25 years in a very dysfunctional marriage to an abuser/addict. I have three boys, and the deepest shock of my life was the day I realized how much I had hurt them. The good news is that we are all much better today and are learning healthy behaviors and boundaries.
I'm really sorry that your mom doesn't see what is happening to you, and her role in it. My father-on his death bed at age 84-finally said "i'm sorry" and "I love you"; my mom doesn't have a clue that she ever did anything wrong......I'm sorry your mom won't see her role in the problem, or the pain it causes you. I'm sure that she is just totally caught up in her own disease. (Even though that is truth, it does not mean you disregard how much it hurts you.) There is really nothing you can do to make her see, you can, however, work on your own recovery and go on to lead a full and emotionally healthy life.
May I recommend a book to you that helped me a great deal? It's by Susan Forward and the title is 'Toxic Parents'. It's more than just a read, it has specific exercises that help you work through the *junk* in your head. Something else that has helped my whole family is a series of DVDs called 'Bradshaw on....The Family".
Keep coming here and working on YOU, because YOU are worth it!!!!
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