So I'm back . . .
 

I was on here for a few weeks last year. I had reached my limit with my highly dysfunctional mother. Well I got my new job and moved all the way across the country. I financially independent and loving it! Mom however isn't doing very well. She's isolated. She's unemployed. She's close to losing her car and her apartment. I knew all this and was being as supportive as I could without lending money or driving myself crazy. But a couple weeks ago she hits me with "they think I have leukemia"! this is after an episode where she blacked out and went into respiratory arrest. That evidently was due to a lack of potassium which lead to the blood work which is strongly pointing toward leukemia. Now she is demanding that she be able to fly from where she lives to where she used to live to see a doctor there. I'm a flight attendant and she wants to fly on my passes. I unfortunately broke down and loaned her money and let her fly out there. She promptly got in a fight with the person she was staying with and showed up at the airport and got me on the phone with a ticket agent trying to book a flight. And during all this I was attempting to finish up bankruptcy proceedings for myself. She's so caustic. I know returning home and trying to get all the paperwork done for her sn't going to work. I'm trying to explore social worker options. maybe I can get a third party involved that can guide her through this. . . . but there is this guilt she's pushing that I'm killing her by not letting her fly on my passes to go to the doc elsewhere. Help! Thanks!

Hey there midnight, and welcome back :)

Lesee if I understood you correctly. You mom is healthy enough to fly around the country, to get in fights with people, to demand money from relatives....

I dunno but it sounds to me like she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself when she wants to. Leukemia or not.

As sick in the head as your Mom may be, I think that the solution to your problem lies in getting _you_ unhooked from her. My first suggestion is meeting of al-anon. Have you gone to any of these yet? I have found them hugely helpful in dealing with my own emotions over my "toxic family"

I know how crazy making this kind of relationship can be, cuz I used to have a few. So have a big ((( hug ))) and keep on posting.

Mike :)

This was exactly what went through my head when I first read your post. Maybe it would help to remind yourself of all the things she IS doing for herself - like trying to find people to give her free rides in life, like using manipulative actions/words to attempt to get something for nothing. Seems like she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself - she just wants someone to blame her failings on. And she's chosen you (aren't you lucky).

For your part, you need to figure out how to not let her chose you. There are two parts to being "the chosen one". Part one is that someone(s) chose you, part two is that you accept being chosen. You can decline the position if you want.

Ginger welcome back! Glad that you are here!

It sounds that bringing in a third party would help this situation and then you can slowly glide out of that role, if that is something that will make YOU feel better.

It does sound as Desert stated that she is healthy enough to fly around etc...then she is very capable of taking care of herself.

Healing thoughts to you! Glad that you are back :hug:

Midnight welcome back (Sorry about that)

I've made some calls about it. Looks like I have to call adult protective services. And then they might send someone out. Yeah I'm not accepting th role as chosen one anymore. I've given and given and its never made anything better. I knew I needed to say no. This time its no. No to the flying. I haven't spoken to her again since our no flying discussion. I'm really frustrated. I just think I've reached my limit on feeling guilty. I'm finally pulling my life together and I'm just not willing to give it up again. I noticed after the leukemia news and fighting with the idea to loan her money and let her fly I started loosing weight again, feeling physically unwell, and emotionally out of wack. I can't do this to myself anymore. I think part of this is a reaction to her feeling me pull away and start to put my life together independent of her. And I'm not going to get sucked bback in again! Thanks for all the support. ::hugs::

oh and on a happier note. I've made my first saved up for months and responsibly made large purchase. A laptop! My very own and bought out right. And to boot I still have money in savings!

Im in a similar situation with my mom. SHe is 77 and constantly telling me every single day that she doesn't feel good and she needs me to live with her. I couldn't do it unless we lived in a duplex!
It's a long story. But, I am really fighting the guilt trips by rationalizing the fact that if she lived with me, I would be the one who would not be feeling good!

I have to say I agree with everyone. She's able to help herself when she wants to, but, like my mom, want's someone to dump on, and you're it.

I really hope it isn;t lukemia. I know that would be devestating to you. But, until you get the diagnosis from the doctor himself, let her take care of herself.

I saw your thread about your mother Wascally Wabbit. I thought it sounded similar too. My family went through a similar situation with my grandmother. An assisted living center worked out real well for her. She made a group of friends and her own place and such. She even got to the point where she would tell us when was a good time to come because she had other things planned with her friends. Having a focus outside of her kids did her and us a world of good. Hope you can find a good compromise.

So I've had a few calls from my mother's friends about her. They are worried and were looking to me to fix it. Evidently she is on the verge of being homeless. Evicted, having the utilities cut off and I'm sure her car is soon to follow. I was very upset to hear about it but I calmly explained to the friends that called that I had done all I could. They agreed. They were feeling the same way I was but said they just needed to hear it from someone else. One friend is going to try to help her get enrolled in welfare programs. And I've put in the call to social services.

I'm still very stressed over the whole situation. I feel utterly powerless too. I know there is nothing I could do to make it better. Coming to the rescue would only bring me back into a lifestyle I can't live anymore. I feel sick over it. I keep thinking over it and thinking over it and I just can't think of anything different I could of done except leave earlier. I'm so angry and sad at the same time its hard to process. Any who just thought I'd update and vent a bit. Thanks for the ears(or eyes maybe) and support!

Talked to the social worker. She said she didn't qualify for any care through protective services but that she supplied info on getting food stamps and healthcare and that she was going to check on her again soon. Mother called me today and wanted to fly on my passes. I didn't take the bait this time. I just calmly replied that she couldn't fly on my passes. She tried to push buttons but I just didn't react so she hung up on me. I pushed the issue that I wasn't trying to make her stay or make her go I was just not allowing her to fly on my passes. And I left it at that. I just repeated that I didn't want to get into it again but flying on my passes wasn't an option. Click! It was great that things didn't get loud and I wasn't talked into something I didn't want. I was still pretty upset when I got off the phone but rather relieved too cause I see there are other options then constant drama. I also think I'm helping her out by not flying her because a couple of people think she's run out of dr where she lives now that will prescribe her meds so she wants to go elsewhere to get em. Trying to keep the guilt at bay.