Should I fight for the relationship or let him go?
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Should I fight for the relationship or let him go?
I've been lucky to have a good number of serious relationships with great guys...they just weren't guys I wanted to marry. Well, I've finally met ‘the guy’ and we'd been happily dating since November of 2003. He's the guy that calls when he says he will, doesn't play games, and is always there for me. I've never had to analyze my relationship with my friends (i.e. He hasn't called, should I call him? I can't tell if he likes me, etc.). He is amazingly open, loyal, and affectionate and he treats me like absolute gold.
So you're probably wondering...why am I posting on this forum?? Well, he's the child of an alcoholic and it's caused problems for him and our relationship. I’m not sure if anyone else out there has dealt with someone from this kind of family, but he grew up really quickly, never made close friendships, avoided partying and socializing (avoiding alcohol until after college) and didn’t have a romantic relationship until he was 23 years old (I'm his second relationship). He’s been in therapy since before we met, which I’m really proud of him for, and it has helped him in a number of ways.
In many ways he doesn’t like himself and where he is in his life. He's good looking, extremely intelligent, graduated from a top school, and even competed in Olympic trials. He's the guy you'd never think had a care in the world. With all of that potential, he hasn't really been able to translate into 'real life' post-college and athletics. The sports were an 'escape' from his unhappy home and he trained like crazy and focused energy there. He also focused on doing well in school. However, he never did the normal things people do when they're young...make friends, date, and just have fun. Once he finished college, it was like he didn't know what to do with himself now that he didn't have school or sports to distract him. It was at that point that he began therapy.
He's been in a dead-end job for years and hasn't been able to leave it. When I say hasn't been able, I really mean it. He literally can't bring himself to make choices that are positive for him. He feels guilty about leaving the job because he doesn't want to 'let down' his boss who he really likes and respects. He sees how I handle issues and conflict in my own life and wants to be able to look at life in the same positive way. He looks at the success I've created for myself in life, and feels he lacks in comparison. I know that as a man, that can be really tough, especially when your girlfriend is six years older, but I've done my best to not emasculate him and make him feel bad about this. He's six years behind me and there's not way he can compare where I am to where he is.
I know what you’re probably thinking “he wants to get out there and finally sew his oats”. That’s not it at all. He wants to try and develop closer friendships and be able to make positive choices for himself in all areas of his life. He said he feels that being with me, in such a happy relationship, has allowed him to 'hide' from his problems. He said he feels great when we're together, but when it's just him, he feels bad about himself. He said he wants to feel happy with himself before he commits to someone long term. My age has also added stress to the relationship since I'll be 35 in January. I've never put pressure on him to move in, get engaged, etc, nor would I. He's placed that additional mantle of stress on himself and had been driving himself crazy worrying about holding me back from having a family, etc. He’s been really depressed about the stress of sorting his career out, trying to make friends and ‘get out there socially’ and mostly, about whether or relationship can and should move forward. His father also told him (the day we broke up mind you) that he was finally leaving his alcoholic mother. He says he still in love with me and that his feelings for me have not changed at all, but that he feels he has to go through this alone.
He's the love of my life and I fear he's making a tragic mistake. He's come to his decision 'in a vacuum' as he only has his therapist to talk to. My instincts are to fight for this...any advice would be much appreciated.
So you're probably wondering...why am I posting on this forum?? Well, he's the child of an alcoholic and it's caused problems for him and our relationship. I’m not sure if anyone else out there has dealt with someone from this kind of family, but he grew up really quickly, never made close friendships, avoided partying and socializing (avoiding alcohol until after college) and didn’t have a romantic relationship until he was 23 years old (I'm his second relationship). He’s been in therapy since before we met, which I’m really proud of him for, and it has helped him in a number of ways.
In many ways he doesn’t like himself and where he is in his life. He's good looking, extremely intelligent, graduated from a top school, and even competed in Olympic trials. He's the guy you'd never think had a care in the world. With all of that potential, he hasn't really been able to translate into 'real life' post-college and athletics. The sports were an 'escape' from his unhappy home and he trained like crazy and focused energy there. He also focused on doing well in school. However, he never did the normal things people do when they're young...make friends, date, and just have fun. Once he finished college, it was like he didn't know what to do with himself now that he didn't have school or sports to distract him. It was at that point that he began therapy.
He's been in a dead-end job for years and hasn't been able to leave it. When I say hasn't been able, I really mean it. He literally can't bring himself to make choices that are positive for him. He feels guilty about leaving the job because he doesn't want to 'let down' his boss who he really likes and respects. He sees how I handle issues and conflict in my own life and wants to be able to look at life in the same positive way. He looks at the success I've created for myself in life, and feels he lacks in comparison. I know that as a man, that can be really tough, especially when your girlfriend is six years older, but I've done my best to not emasculate him and make him feel bad about this. He's six years behind me and there's not way he can compare where I am to where he is.
I know what you’re probably thinking “he wants to get out there and finally sew his oats”. That’s not it at all. He wants to try and develop closer friendships and be able to make positive choices for himself in all areas of his life. He said he feels that being with me, in such a happy relationship, has allowed him to 'hide' from his problems. He said he feels great when we're together, but when it's just him, he feels bad about himself. He said he wants to feel happy with himself before he commits to someone long term. My age has also added stress to the relationship since I'll be 35 in January. I've never put pressure on him to move in, get engaged, etc, nor would I. He's placed that additional mantle of stress on himself and had been driving himself crazy worrying about holding me back from having a family, etc. He’s been really depressed about the stress of sorting his career out, trying to make friends and ‘get out there socially’ and mostly, about whether or relationship can and should move forward. His father also told him (the day we broke up mind you) that he was finally leaving his alcoholic mother. He says he still in love with me and that his feelings for me have not changed at all, but that he feels he has to go through this alone.
He's the love of my life and I fear he's making a tragic mistake. He's come to his decision 'in a vacuum' as he only has his therapist to talk to. My instincts are to fight for this...any advice would be much appreciated.
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Welcome to the board. I would suggest you read the "13 common characteristics of ACoAs" thread that is stickied to the top of this forum.
As for advice - all I can say is that I'm glad my husband is willing to work with me with my baggage. It's isn't always fun, but we get through it.
That being said, he's on the right track with his desire to feel better about himself before he commits to others. Trust me on this, he *must* feel good about himself before you two get together in a long term relationship, or it will be disastrous.
I doubt he's made this decision in a vacuum. With his therapist guiding him, he is doing what he needs to do - he is becoming an individual instead of an attachment to someone else. This is a step of recovery that nearly all ACoAs must go through - we struggle with learning how to put ourselves first, how to take care of ourselves instead of always assuming we're not worth it and doing what other people want.
I can only advise from the standpoint of a recovering ACoA, but if you start asking him to come back and be with you, I believe you will do far more harm to him than you will ever know. His recovery will take much longer, and at some point the guilt he carries may turn to anger and he will leave anyway.
If you want to fight for this, then I suggest you fight the hard way - let him go, tell him you'll still be there when or if he ever feels he's gotten the things taken care of that he's working on. Then do it. Let him contact you in his own time.
I might also add that much of his behavior (treating you like gold, always being super responsible to you, always wanting to please you) most likely stems from his ACoA issues and not from who he is innately as a person. Which means even if you got married there is a good chance that as he matures over time and continues with his therapy, that behavior would change and he would 'become' someone you didn't recognize anymore - except he wouldn't really 'become' someone different, he would become someone healthy. I think everyone on this forum can attest to how different they are when they've been through a fair amount of recovery.
I started therapy when I was 19. I am 40 and still in therapy. I have changed to the point that most of my old "friends" don't recognize my behaviors anymore and have drifted away from me. I now can say "no" to people - I didn't learn how to say "no" until I was in my late 30's. If someone asked me for something or to do something for them, I absolutely could not turn them down. It took me nearly 20 years of therapy (off and on) to learn how to express my own desires. I hope you can see how this could cause significant problems in a relationship (landed my husband and I in marriage counseling).
So from the perspective of my past experience, I think your best approach is to let him do what he needs to do. If he needs to be alone for a while, let him.
If it was meant to be, it will be. If not, you'd only prolong his recovery and your suffering.
As for advice - all I can say is that I'm glad my husband is willing to work with me with my baggage. It's isn't always fun, but we get through it.
That being said, he's on the right track with his desire to feel better about himself before he commits to others. Trust me on this, he *must* feel good about himself before you two get together in a long term relationship, or it will be disastrous.
I doubt he's made this decision in a vacuum. With his therapist guiding him, he is doing what he needs to do - he is becoming an individual instead of an attachment to someone else. This is a step of recovery that nearly all ACoAs must go through - we struggle with learning how to put ourselves first, how to take care of ourselves instead of always assuming we're not worth it and doing what other people want.
I can only advise from the standpoint of a recovering ACoA, but if you start asking him to come back and be with you, I believe you will do far more harm to him than you will ever know. His recovery will take much longer, and at some point the guilt he carries may turn to anger and he will leave anyway.
If you want to fight for this, then I suggest you fight the hard way - let him go, tell him you'll still be there when or if he ever feels he's gotten the things taken care of that he's working on. Then do it. Let him contact you in his own time.
I might also add that much of his behavior (treating you like gold, always being super responsible to you, always wanting to please you) most likely stems from his ACoA issues and not from who he is innately as a person. Which means even if you got married there is a good chance that as he matures over time and continues with his therapy, that behavior would change and he would 'become' someone you didn't recognize anymore - except he wouldn't really 'become' someone different, he would become someone healthy. I think everyone on this forum can attest to how different they are when they've been through a fair amount of recovery.
I started therapy when I was 19. I am 40 and still in therapy. I have changed to the point that most of my old "friends" don't recognize my behaviors anymore and have drifted away from me. I now can say "no" to people - I didn't learn how to say "no" until I was in my late 30's. If someone asked me for something or to do something for them, I absolutely could not turn them down. It took me nearly 20 years of therapy (off and on) to learn how to express my own desires. I hope you can see how this could cause significant problems in a relationship (landed my husband and I in marriage counseling).
So from the perspective of my past experience, I think your best approach is to let him do what he needs to do. If he needs to be alone for a while, let him.
If it was meant to be, it will be. If not, you'd only prolong his recovery and your suffering.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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OMG, he sounds just like me. I'm 31, successful in school, swam through college, feel like I'm in a dead end job, loyal to the bone, have the alcholic mother. Forgive me if I ramble, but I'm a little excited to see there is someone out there just like me. I'm not the only one. I completely understand what you are going through because I put my wife through it for 8 years.
The only difference is that I've been in recovery for 9 months, and I am sooo much better than I was earlier this year.
Ginger is correct when she says that the only thing you can do is leave him alone. It sucks, it really does. I've done that so many times with my wife, where I just wanted to be alone for weeks at a time to figure things out for myself. It hurt her because she really didn't know what was going on, nor did she know how to handle me and my reactions to things. Things got really bad in January, which led to my realization of me being an ACOA. But you are different. Just knowing what the problem is makes it so much easier because you have books, chat rooms like this, and countless literature.
But watch out why he is running from you. He could be running from relationships in general. That is what ACOA's are notorious for. That is when you have to move on in your life. I remember my sister (who basically saved my marriage and knew what I was going through) saying to me "If you leave your wife, you are still going to be stuck with these problems your whole life, so you might as well deal with them now with her." Oh how right she was. It really was the kick in the pants I needed.
But if he really is getting help, and he really is doing things for himself, then wait and see. I know I've been in recovery for 9 months, but it didn't take more than 2-3 months to see immediate changes, and 4-5 to really know what I needed to do to get things straight in my life.
And even though my wife knows what I'm going through, she's never been active in my recovery, meaning, she's never done any research on her own, nor talked to anyone, or attended any meetings. Going through recovery, I'd love to have a partner I can talk to about this who is active and interested in my recovery as much as I am. And believe me, if he is recovering and figuring things out, he's going to need someone just to share his joy and elation that he's getting better. You sound like a good candidate, and he will know it.
But again, live your own life and watch out for yourself. Please don't try to control him, as it is not right for him to try to control you. Of course be caring and understanding, but don't ask anything of him at this point. He's going to have tremendous guilt if his father leaves his mother, because he will get stuck in a caretaking role with his mother. Going through that and recovery is going to be the hardest thing he'll ever do. In fact, it may prolong his recovery. If he comes out of it successfully, it will be the best thing he'll ever do. And his relationships (possibly with you) will be so much better.
The only difference is that I've been in recovery for 9 months, and I am sooo much better than I was earlier this year.
Ginger is correct when she says that the only thing you can do is leave him alone. It sucks, it really does. I've done that so many times with my wife, where I just wanted to be alone for weeks at a time to figure things out for myself. It hurt her because she really didn't know what was going on, nor did she know how to handle me and my reactions to things. Things got really bad in January, which led to my realization of me being an ACOA. But you are different. Just knowing what the problem is makes it so much easier because you have books, chat rooms like this, and countless literature.
But watch out why he is running from you. He could be running from relationships in general. That is what ACOA's are notorious for. That is when you have to move on in your life. I remember my sister (who basically saved my marriage and knew what I was going through) saying to me "If you leave your wife, you are still going to be stuck with these problems your whole life, so you might as well deal with them now with her." Oh how right she was. It really was the kick in the pants I needed.
But if he really is getting help, and he really is doing things for himself, then wait and see. I know I've been in recovery for 9 months, but it didn't take more than 2-3 months to see immediate changes, and 4-5 to really know what I needed to do to get things straight in my life.
And even though my wife knows what I'm going through, she's never been active in my recovery, meaning, she's never done any research on her own, nor talked to anyone, or attended any meetings. Going through recovery, I'd love to have a partner I can talk to about this who is active and interested in my recovery as much as I am. And believe me, if he is recovering and figuring things out, he's going to need someone just to share his joy and elation that he's getting better. You sound like a good candidate, and he will know it.
But again, live your own life and watch out for yourself. Please don't try to control him, as it is not right for him to try to control you. Of course be caring and understanding, but don't ask anything of him at this point. He's going to have tremendous guilt if his father leaves his mother, because he will get stuck in a caretaking role with his mother. Going through that and recovery is going to be the hardest thing he'll ever do. In fact, it may prolong his recovery. If he comes out of it successfully, it will be the best thing he'll ever do. And his relationships (possibly with you) will be so much better.
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Ginger has pretty much summed it up for me.
AcOa's carry a lot of hurt inside that most people cannot see. That hurt can destroy a relationship.
In a way I respect your friend for the choices he has made, he is doing what i should have done. Let him go and know that if he comes back to you he may be a better person for it.
AcOa's carry a lot of hurt inside that most people cannot see. That hurt can destroy a relationship.
In a way I respect your friend for the choices he has made, he is doing what i should have done. Let him go and know that if he comes back to you he may be a better person for it.
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Thanks for your response 49-er Fan. My boyfriend has been in therapy for nearly five years and it's taken a long time to see any significant progress. I'm sure progress happens at a different speed for everyone so I've tried to be patient and understanding. I'm so proud of him for trying to work through his issues with his mother, but I'm so sad he feels he needs to do this on his own and without me as his girlfriend. He is fearful of marriage because he grew up in such a painful environment himself. He knows how important it is to marry at the right time and to the right person because he doesn't want his own children to live through a situation like he did. I'm almost 35 and that's added another level of stress to the situation. He's 28 and is definitely not at a place in his recovery where he feels marriage is possible. He said he's in love with me and can't imagine not having me in his life as his girlfriend, but that he worries about me putting my life on hold to wait for him. He's concerned that if I wait around (say another two years) and he's still not ready, that could have serious implications for me since I'll then be a 37-year old female. He feels like if he breaks it off now, at least I'll have a chance to find happiness elsewhere. He says if at some point he does find himself ready, then perhaps we can be together at that time, but he wants me to move on with my life for now and not wait around hoping for that to happen.
I know that trying to control outcomes and feeling overly responsible is part of what many ACOA's do, but I can truly tell you that our relationship is magic...it's just been such a beautiful experience. To let this go is just excruciating. I've ready many books, talked to ACOA counselors, and even attended Al-Anon meetings trying to get a better understanding of what he's gone through and what he continues to struggle with. I love him for him...not to fix him or to save him...I just love him for who he is as a person. All I want to do is support his recovery in any way I can.
I know that trying to control outcomes and feeling overly responsible is part of what many ACOA's do, but I can truly tell you that our relationship is magic...it's just been such a beautiful experience. To let this go is just excruciating. I've ready many books, talked to ACOA counselors, and even attended Al-Anon meetings trying to get a better understanding of what he's gone through and what he continues to struggle with. I love him for him...not to fix him or to save him...I just love him for who he is as a person. All I want to do is support his recovery in any way I can.
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Originally Posted by Peter 
Ginger has pretty much summed it up for me.
AcOa's carry a lot of hurt inside that most people cannot see. That hurt can destroy a relationship.
In a way I respect your friend for the choices he has made, he is doing what i should have done. Let him go and know that if he comes back to you he may be a better person for it.
AcOa's carry a lot of hurt inside that most people cannot see. That hurt can destroy a relationship.
In a way I respect your friend for the choices he has made, he is doing what i should have done. Let him go and know that if he comes back to you he may be a better person for it.
If he comes back to you it is possible that he will be a better person for it! This is so true! I know in my experience I had thought I was ready for a new "healthy" relationship.....guess what NOPE! When the man that I was with walked away from me it gave me a new light that I had turned the switch off in my recovery-I had turned the switch off on ME! The learning to love again, the fear , the anger it all came back I was in the dark. I have been in counseling for almost 10 years and sometimes if we are not sticking to our "plan" we can have things that trigger us back into the darkness-when we are aware on a daily basis to what it is we are doing, it is then we are loving and caring for ourselves and that is when we are living life!
It is with that I knew that I had to turn my switch back on and continue my recovery everyday of my life-it is a learning experience just as it is for anyone who has not lived our childhoods and I believe that AoCa's learn in a more powerful way than most-
I know it my home I had a mentally ill mother in and out of hospitals, an A Father, an A step Dad and Mom, a addict brother, and 3 A brothers! Talk about damage and dysfunction! I work everyday on me! My one brother is now destroying his life and today I can detach with love and that is the best thing I can do so I can live my life happy with myself and others! It is HUGE!
Do what you feel in your heart be honest with yourself and know that you are probably doing him a great deal by doing this.
Healing thoughts
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I believe that AoCa's learn in a more powerful way than most-
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Ginger so true right! Love what you said Thank you for this!
Most important we are learning now and that is what matters US now!
wouldn't be so hard to unlearn our old patterns if we hadn't learned them so powerfully in the first place
Most important we are learning now and that is what matters US now!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
I'm not alone.
I came home today, desperate to find others in my situation. You can't imagine the relief when I found this website and moreover when I started reading the messages in this forum. Ironically, the posting that hit home the most was this one....from a woman who even shares a similar user name than I do.
Until 3 days ago I had no idea what ACOA was, nor that I was in love with one. My boyfriend, whom I live with...planned to marry...and recently moved 3 states away from home with....came to me the other day with a startling discovery. OUr relationship started out much like any fairytale...it was wonderful, exciting, and intimate. I felt loved and lucky and so complete.
After we moved in together and started to live a more "grown up life" I started to see a change. He immediatley lost focus on our relationship and consumed himself in his graduate studies. I found myself begging him to spend time with me, to go to dinner, to sit and watch TV...anything. It recently came to my attention that he hadn't been intimate with me in over a month. I spoke with him about it and it was the catalyst to his discovery of ACOA symptoms. He literally said to me, "I have no feelings, there is a void inside me and I don't think I can love you as much as you love me." He moved out and left me here in a cloud of dust completely uncapable of figuring this out.
After making the connection that this lack of feeling was similar to his father, I practically ran to Barnes & Noble and bought out the series on books for Adult Children of Alcoholics. With every page turn I recognized more and more of his characterisitcs. He is brilliant, overachiever and constantly seeks approval from everyone. He struggles with intimacy and has a hard time communicating his feelings to me.
While I still believe he is in some sort of denial, he's open to learning and figuring out what exactly this means.
My question is the same as the blog posted: Should I fight for this relationship or let him go?
I'm a Christian and I don't believe God gives up on anybody, and therefore I shouldn't either. I love this man with all of my heart, even knowing what I know now. I want nothing more than to love him every day for the rest of my life. What am I suppose to do now? Do I simply turn my back and walk away from the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?
Until 3 days ago I had no idea what ACOA was, nor that I was in love with one. My boyfriend, whom I live with...planned to marry...and recently moved 3 states away from home with....came to me the other day with a startling discovery. OUr relationship started out much like any fairytale...it was wonderful, exciting, and intimate. I felt loved and lucky and so complete.
After we moved in together and started to live a more "grown up life" I started to see a change. He immediatley lost focus on our relationship and consumed himself in his graduate studies. I found myself begging him to spend time with me, to go to dinner, to sit and watch TV...anything. It recently came to my attention that he hadn't been intimate with me in over a month. I spoke with him about it and it was the catalyst to his discovery of ACOA symptoms. He literally said to me, "I have no feelings, there is a void inside me and I don't think I can love you as much as you love me." He moved out and left me here in a cloud of dust completely uncapable of figuring this out.
After making the connection that this lack of feeling was similar to his father, I practically ran to Barnes & Noble and bought out the series on books for Adult Children of Alcoholics. With every page turn I recognized more and more of his characterisitcs. He is brilliant, overachiever and constantly seeks approval from everyone. He struggles with intimacy and has a hard time communicating his feelings to me.
While I still believe he is in some sort of denial, he's open to learning and figuring out what exactly this means.
My question is the same as the blog posted: Should I fight for this relationship or let him go?
I'm a Christian and I don't believe God gives up on anybody, and therefore I shouldn't either. I love this man with all of my heart, even knowing what I know now. I want nothing more than to love him every day for the rest of my life. What am I suppose to do now? Do I simply turn my back and walk away from the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?
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Hi there Inluv, and welcome to this wonderful website 
I've been in a couple of those. Very perplexing.
That's a tough question to answer. Here's the way I answer it for myself.
1 - Who is going to fight _with_ me? If I'm going to fight for a partnership I expect my partner to fight with me, otherwise she's not a partner. She's the obstacle. If I'm going to fight for a partnership all by myself.... I'm never going to win because I'm fighting _alone_. Might as well just walk away and go find someone who _is_ willing to be a partner.
2- Is it _really_ a relationship? A partner is supposed to stand _beside_ me and help fight the challenges of _life_. If my partner becomes one of the challenges of life then I don't have a relationship at all. What I have is a problem.
Yeah I used to feel that way too. I learned something in al-anon along the lines of "The minimum a partner is expected to give me is 100%" To me that means that I have to _give_ 100%. But if I need a partner to complete me, that means that each one of us is only giving 50%. That's not a partnership, that's a pair of emotional criples holding each other up.
I got tired of being an emotional criple. I got involved in meetings of ACoA, al-anon and got a couple good therapists. Did me a world of good. I've gotten most of the "rusty bolts" outta my head and I am now able to _give_ 100% to a relationship. I don't need anybody to complete me anymore, and if they are not interested in doing their 100% share in a relationship, then I go find somebody who is.
Whadya think?
Welcome again, Inluv, glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Originally Posted by InluvwithanACOA
...He moved out and left me here in a cloud of dust completely uncapable of figuring this out. ...
Originally Posted by InluvwithanACOA
... Should I fight for this relationship or let him go? ...
1 - Who is going to fight _with_ me? If I'm going to fight for a partnership I expect my partner to fight with me, otherwise she's not a partner. She's the obstacle. If I'm going to fight for a partnership all by myself.... I'm never going to win because I'm fighting _alone_. Might as well just walk away and go find someone who _is_ willing to be a partner.
2- Is it _really_ a relationship? A partner is supposed to stand _beside_ me and help fight the challenges of _life_. If my partner becomes one of the challenges of life then I don't have a relationship at all. What I have is a problem.
Originally Posted by InluvwithanACOA
... I felt loved and lucky and so complete....
I got tired of being an emotional criple. I got involved in meetings of ACoA, al-anon and got a couple good therapists. Did me a world of good. I've gotten most of the "rusty bolts" outta my head and I am now able to _give_ 100% to a relationship. I don't need anybody to complete me anymore, and if they are not interested in doing their 100% share in a relationship, then I go find somebody who is.
Whadya think?
Welcome again, Inluv, glad you decided to join us.
Mike
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
Who has been through Ala-Non?
My boyfriend has decided to go. I'm thrilled. I've done some research on Ala-Non, but my question is if they talk about God at all? Not necessarily organized religion, but the idea of a higher power?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
Inluv #2,
I responded to the original post above, and I am going to give you the same advice. I'm a 32 overacheiving ACOA and have been in your boyfriends position. In fact, I am going through recovery right now.
I moved across the country to be with my now wife. There have been so many times I wanted to leave her but I never did. It wasn't that I didn't love her, it was that I didn't know how to have a functional relationship. I didn't know what it entailed. I thought guilt trips, over-responsibility, and self-sacrifice were normal. It took me 6 years to finally ask her to marry me, and that was only because I was almost given an ultimatum.
I don't know your situation, but we both moved away from our friends and family. We had to start a new life, and neither of us made friends well. We were very alone for almost 5 years with no family and hardly any friends. We depended on each other too much for too many things that other people normally provide. The isolation magnified our problems. This, in-turn, caused all of my co-dependent behaviours to explode.
When I found out about ACOA, and I read all of the books you probably are reading, I felt the same way as your BF. I couldn't feel anything. I take that back. I felt so much pain, but it was too much to feel all at once. Way too much. I can see why your BF says he doesn't feel anything. It's easier not to feel than to feel pain. It's a coping mechanism we have. The first book I read (which was given to me) was Codependency No More, and I remember sitting in the fetal position in my kitchen floor bawling because my life's history had already been written. It's a scary, scary feeling to read a book that explains all of your destructive behaviours during the past 32 years.
If your BF decides to go through recovery, he is going to feel, but it isn't going to be pretty. He is going to feel for the first time in his life. He is going to feel some very very very bad things. But he will begin to feel good things too. And that is when he is going to want to be around someone caring and understanding like you.
You see, I felt so much pain, and I focused so much on myself during my recovery, it put off my wife. She eventually fell into a depression. She didn't read the books, she didn't go to the meetings, she didn't prepare herself for what was about to happen. It sounds to me like you are the type of person who is want to do everything possible to make this work, and I commend you for this, but I will give you my second piece of advice:
Sometimes it's best to do nothing. Sometimes letting the person figure things out on their own is the only way to make it work. Love him, care for him, encourage him, but let him do it on his own. It will be much more meaningful for him to find his own motivation for recovery. But also know when it's truely over. You are not giving up on him, you are showing compassion for his recovery.
And take care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Don't lose your own identity by trying to get him to be what you want or what you had. Know that from this very moment, things will not be how they used to be. This is an excellent opportunity to work on yourself, because when he begins the upswing of recovery, he is going to be feeling strength and is going to be attracted to it. The conventional phrase "If you love something, set it free....." is never more approriate than it is right now.
Good luck, and take care.
I responded to the original post above, and I am going to give you the same advice. I'm a 32 overacheiving ACOA and have been in your boyfriends position. In fact, I am going through recovery right now.
I moved across the country to be with my now wife. There have been so many times I wanted to leave her but I never did. It wasn't that I didn't love her, it was that I didn't know how to have a functional relationship. I didn't know what it entailed. I thought guilt trips, over-responsibility, and self-sacrifice were normal. It took me 6 years to finally ask her to marry me, and that was only because I was almost given an ultimatum.
I don't know your situation, but we both moved away from our friends and family. We had to start a new life, and neither of us made friends well. We were very alone for almost 5 years with no family and hardly any friends. We depended on each other too much for too many things that other people normally provide. The isolation magnified our problems. This, in-turn, caused all of my co-dependent behaviours to explode.
When I found out about ACOA, and I read all of the books you probably are reading, I felt the same way as your BF. I couldn't feel anything. I take that back. I felt so much pain, but it was too much to feel all at once. Way too much. I can see why your BF says he doesn't feel anything. It's easier not to feel than to feel pain. It's a coping mechanism we have. The first book I read (which was given to me) was Codependency No More, and I remember sitting in the fetal position in my kitchen floor bawling because my life's history had already been written. It's a scary, scary feeling to read a book that explains all of your destructive behaviours during the past 32 years.
If your BF decides to go through recovery, he is going to feel, but it isn't going to be pretty. He is going to feel for the first time in his life. He is going to feel some very very very bad things. But he will begin to feel good things too. And that is when he is going to want to be around someone caring and understanding like you.
You see, I felt so much pain, and I focused so much on myself during my recovery, it put off my wife. She eventually fell into a depression. She didn't read the books, she didn't go to the meetings, she didn't prepare herself for what was about to happen. It sounds to me like you are the type of person who is want to do everything possible to make this work, and I commend you for this, but I will give you my second piece of advice:
Sometimes it's best to do nothing. Sometimes letting the person figure things out on their own is the only way to make it work. Love him, care for him, encourage him, but let him do it on his own. It will be much more meaningful for him to find his own motivation for recovery. But also know when it's truely over. You are not giving up on him, you are showing compassion for his recovery.
And take care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Don't lose your own identity by trying to get him to be what you want or what you had. Know that from this very moment, things will not be how they used to be. This is an excellent opportunity to work on yourself, because when he begins the upswing of recovery, he is going to be feeling strength and is going to be attracted to it. The conventional phrase "If you love something, set it free....." is never more approriate than it is right now.
Good luck, and take care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by InluvwithanACOA
My boyfriend has decided to go. I'm thrilled. I've done some research on Ala-Non, but my question is if they talk about God at all? Not necessarily organized religion, but the idea of a higher power?
I've been to other meets held at a state half-way house where all the folks there were ex-cons transitioning to society. Those meets were _totally_ non religious, and there wasn't much "higher power" at all.
That's why al-anon strongly recommends that people "shop around" at least 6 _different_ meetings until they find one that fits your specific needs. The meets I go to on a regular basis are very strong in having each person use their own "higher power", whatever that may be. We've got everything from a Methodist Minister to biker chicks, and as different as their higher powers are, the strength of recovery is awesome.
The idea of a "higher power" comes from the fact that I tried _everything_ in my power to change the craziness of my alcoholic parents, and the resulting "emotional injuries" in me. None of that worked. When I was able to "let go" of my desperate need to be in control and allow the collective wisdom of al-anon and ACoA to show me the way to my recovery, then I was able to make progress and become a healthy, positive and complete human being.
"Turning over" my life wasn't about who I was turning it over _to_. It was about turning it over away from _me_, because I was making such a mess of it.
Congratulations to your b/f for deciding to go. That's awesome news.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
Thank you!!
Dear 49er Fan:
I found comfort in your words. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I see so many similarities. I have to remember to live in the present, and live for me. Love confuses that sometimes.
How are things going with your recovery? What was the biggest accomplishment or realization for you thus far?
I found comfort in your words. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I see so many similarities. I have to remember to live in the present, and live for me. Love confuses that sometimes.
How are things going with your recovery? What was the biggest accomplishment or realization for you thus far?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
"Turning over" my life wasn't about who I was turning it over _to_. It was about turning it over away from _me_, because I was making such a mess of it.
Just wanting to give an example of how Mike's point can be carried out without the need to be religious or even have a higher power.
A flip of the coin is how I ended up going on a first date with my husband. A flip of the coin got me the best dog in the world. A flip of the coin is how I ended up married to my husband. A flip of the coin got me all kinds of things that I never would have done for myself - and taught me to let go of all those old patterns and the tapes in my head.
I wouldn't call the coin a "higher power" but it was a tool I used to let go of the stranglehold I had on my old ways and force me to accept the world, accept myself and try something different.
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