Any Help Please!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Any Help Please!
First, I’m sorry for the long post, but if you have time to read it all—I would appreciate any advice whatsoever. I am really in a desperate position right now in my life & I don’t know what to do. Since I have posted on this AcoA before & received so much support, I figured this would be a good place to just start typing…
I don’t know where to start writing here… my life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do with myself…. I began recovery as an ACOA last February when I sort of “discovered” that all my problems were rooted in my past. It was & still is so hard for
me, and I am depressed. I was really active in recovery at first… I posted here a lot…but I haven’t posted in months, and stopped going to meetings. I have definitely “slipped” and I have seen myself go back to my old ways…Mainly, I have noticed I close up emotionally, among other things. Well here’s where it gets messy: after my recovery wakening in Feb, I dropped all my classes in college…I managed to graduate still, but I had no plan…I had no idea what I wanted to do. So, I haven’t had a job since February, and I am broke, and owe my family money.
Adding to my feeling of lost-ness, confusion, fear…I feel so blind & naïve!!! Being a child of an alcoholic… “big surprise” …I realize my boyfriend of 2 ½ years is also an alcoholic. (How did I not see that coming?!?!?!?!?). Well, I have been to hell & back with him and things have gotten 1000% worse with his drinking/depression over the last month…there are no words to describe the changes within him. He has done & said things I NEVER thought he would ever do or say. I found out I cannot trust him alone for a second. He makes sincere promises, and breaks them LITERALLY 5 minutes later. I have stuck with him and let him treat me like sh*t for the last month, since things have escalated. He lies, he refuses help or rehab, he resents me & his mom when we offer treatment plans, he screams at me, he is disrespectful, he has seemingly turned bipolar, and the man that I knew him to be is buried away or lost or something. He has been emotionally wounding me everyday, and I have been “taking it” because I know if I left him he would really feel hopeless and most likely kill himself….believe me, I know how manipulative & messed up this is….so I guess I am not strong enough to leave him or something.... i don't know.
This is where things get really out of control… Like I said over the last 2-3 weeks my boyfriend has gone from “pretty bad” to Severely needs mental help! Over the last 2 weeks: He developed severe anxiety with his depression and he shakes & twitches; he smoke massive amounts of marijuana; he is on multiple medications but he won’t take them consistently! He hates God—hates life—hates everything—and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. He got drunk and flipped his truck over 3 times into the river last week—miraculously he wasn’t hurt—but he totaled his truck. He called me to get him—I was so worried about him & he refused to go to the ER because he didn’t want a DUI. He then proceeded to file a false police report!!! saying his truck was stolen! He dropped all his classes in school, and kept the loan money for spending/drinking money; He has threatened suicide multiple times—and because of this, his mom and I took his hunting guns away—for he said he wanted to use them on himself. This is a guy who--when sober--is a wonderful, kind, caring, and compassionate person. He is studying pre-med and has a 3.5GPA...he served in the military and is a vet of the Iraq war (which I suspect has contributed highly to his current problems--post traumatic stress). He was sober, and made his own efforts to seek out therapisits---but he found no resolve with them, and I guess gave up...
Yesterday was the worst—I had realized I cannot live like this anymore, and BEG him again to go into inpatient rehab. I tell him alcohol is ruining his life, and there is NO other way to do this. He says he doesn’t need help & can stop drinking on his own—which he obviously cant. All of the sudden he gets really mad that his mom took his guns away the other day, and says he feels “backed into a corner”. When she refuses to give them back to him, he called the police & filed a “stolen property report” to which the police did nothing because his mom had told the police WHY she had confiscated the guns in the first place and that he was suicidal. So my BF tells his mom, “fine, I’ll go buy a new gun” & in a fit of anger—because he claims we are conspiring against him & feels we are taking away his freedoms and he is a "grown man"—he goes to a sporting goods store and buys a $400 shot gun and ammo. His mom freaks out, gets in her car & follows him…she finds him drunk with the shotgun sitting in my car (which he had borrowed earlier in the day)—and his mom calls 911 and tells them everything. Well in the end, my BF had drunkenly driven my car around the corner and tons of police came after him with their guns drawn. They found a loaded 12 gauge in the front seat next to him with a bullet in the chamber. I guess my prayers came true, because they hauled him off to detox & inpatient rehab—and he has to stay there by law. He has was acting crazy—yelling & screaming at everyone in the hospital—his BAC was 0.3.
I am emotionally and physically torn apart—worn out—and beat up. Every bone, muscle and piece of hair on my body hurts. I have no energy and dont want to leave my apartment....I havent taken a shower in over 4 days.... The constant pressure of worrying about him & the pain he has caused me has worn me down to nothing. I have been treating myself badly—I probably smoked 2 ½ packs of cigarettes yesterday, and honestly, my throat and mouth are killing me and I haven’t cared. I have been eating like crap—if anything at all. Now I am sad, alone & confused. I was so concerned about getting him into rehab—I didn’t stop and think about how I would feel after—But believe me—no matter how I feel—I know he NEEDS to be there & I will fight to keep him there….I guess I just didn’t think about me living alone in our apartment (in a city where I know nobody—I moved here 1 month ago for him!), and that I have lost my best friend (meaning when he is sane). Not to mention I have no $$$ and I definitely cannot afford the whole rent by myself. I have no job, no friends, no money, no clue what I want to do with my life…I am alone.
And just to make everything just a little worse…adding to my ACOA issues, the traumatic experiences with my boyfriend, and feeling lost & alone and broke…my grandfather died—he shot himself a week ago. I don’t even feel this has hit me yet…I have so much crap in my life—I haven’t had time to process half of it. I don’t know what to do with myself—none of my options/alternatives sound good to me right now…I don’t want to leave the city I am in because my BF is in rehab here and I haven’t talked to him since the police thing…everything is up in the air & I don’t know whats going on…so here I am sitting alone. I don’t know what I am asking for…I just keep thinking “What do I do now?!?” Concerning everything—all aspects of my life.
I’m sorry for the long post—and if you took the time to read it all—thank you! Any support/suggestions are appreciated…
Love Stephanie
I don’t know where to start writing here… my life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do with myself…. I began recovery as an ACOA last February when I sort of “discovered” that all my problems were rooted in my past. It was & still is so hard for
me, and I am depressed. I was really active in recovery at first… I posted here a lot…but I haven’t posted in months, and stopped going to meetings. I have definitely “slipped” and I have seen myself go back to my old ways…Mainly, I have noticed I close up emotionally, among other things. Well here’s where it gets messy: after my recovery wakening in Feb, I dropped all my classes in college…I managed to graduate still, but I had no plan…I had no idea what I wanted to do. So, I haven’t had a job since February, and I am broke, and owe my family money.
Adding to my feeling of lost-ness, confusion, fear…I feel so blind & naïve!!! Being a child of an alcoholic… “big surprise” …I realize my boyfriend of 2 ½ years is also an alcoholic. (How did I not see that coming?!?!?!?!?). Well, I have been to hell & back with him and things have gotten 1000% worse with his drinking/depression over the last month…there are no words to describe the changes within him. He has done & said things I NEVER thought he would ever do or say. I found out I cannot trust him alone for a second. He makes sincere promises, and breaks them LITERALLY 5 minutes later. I have stuck with him and let him treat me like sh*t for the last month, since things have escalated. He lies, he refuses help or rehab, he resents me & his mom when we offer treatment plans, he screams at me, he is disrespectful, he has seemingly turned bipolar, and the man that I knew him to be is buried away or lost or something. He has been emotionally wounding me everyday, and I have been “taking it” because I know if I left him he would really feel hopeless and most likely kill himself….believe me, I know how manipulative & messed up this is….so I guess I am not strong enough to leave him or something.... i don't know.
This is where things get really out of control… Like I said over the last 2-3 weeks my boyfriend has gone from “pretty bad” to Severely needs mental help! Over the last 2 weeks: He developed severe anxiety with his depression and he shakes & twitches; he smoke massive amounts of marijuana; he is on multiple medications but he won’t take them consistently! He hates God—hates life—hates everything—and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. He got drunk and flipped his truck over 3 times into the river last week—miraculously he wasn’t hurt—but he totaled his truck. He called me to get him—I was so worried about him & he refused to go to the ER because he didn’t want a DUI. He then proceeded to file a false police report!!! saying his truck was stolen! He dropped all his classes in school, and kept the loan money for spending/drinking money; He has threatened suicide multiple times—and because of this, his mom and I took his hunting guns away—for he said he wanted to use them on himself. This is a guy who--when sober--is a wonderful, kind, caring, and compassionate person. He is studying pre-med and has a 3.5GPA...he served in the military and is a vet of the Iraq war (which I suspect has contributed highly to his current problems--post traumatic stress). He was sober, and made his own efforts to seek out therapisits---but he found no resolve with them, and I guess gave up...
Yesterday was the worst—I had realized I cannot live like this anymore, and BEG him again to go into inpatient rehab. I tell him alcohol is ruining his life, and there is NO other way to do this. He says he doesn’t need help & can stop drinking on his own—which he obviously cant. All of the sudden he gets really mad that his mom took his guns away the other day, and says he feels “backed into a corner”. When she refuses to give them back to him, he called the police & filed a “stolen property report” to which the police did nothing because his mom had told the police WHY she had confiscated the guns in the first place and that he was suicidal. So my BF tells his mom, “fine, I’ll go buy a new gun” & in a fit of anger—because he claims we are conspiring against him & feels we are taking away his freedoms and he is a "grown man"—he goes to a sporting goods store and buys a $400 shot gun and ammo. His mom freaks out, gets in her car & follows him…she finds him drunk with the shotgun sitting in my car (which he had borrowed earlier in the day)—and his mom calls 911 and tells them everything. Well in the end, my BF had drunkenly driven my car around the corner and tons of police came after him with their guns drawn. They found a loaded 12 gauge in the front seat next to him with a bullet in the chamber. I guess my prayers came true, because they hauled him off to detox & inpatient rehab—and he has to stay there by law. He has was acting crazy—yelling & screaming at everyone in the hospital—his BAC was 0.3.
I am emotionally and physically torn apart—worn out—and beat up. Every bone, muscle and piece of hair on my body hurts. I have no energy and dont want to leave my apartment....I havent taken a shower in over 4 days.... The constant pressure of worrying about him & the pain he has caused me has worn me down to nothing. I have been treating myself badly—I probably smoked 2 ½ packs of cigarettes yesterday, and honestly, my throat and mouth are killing me and I haven’t cared. I have been eating like crap—if anything at all. Now I am sad, alone & confused. I was so concerned about getting him into rehab—I didn’t stop and think about how I would feel after—But believe me—no matter how I feel—I know he NEEDS to be there & I will fight to keep him there….I guess I just didn’t think about me living alone in our apartment (in a city where I know nobody—I moved here 1 month ago for him!), and that I have lost my best friend (meaning when he is sane). Not to mention I have no $$$ and I definitely cannot afford the whole rent by myself. I have no job, no friends, no money, no clue what I want to do with my life…I am alone.
And just to make everything just a little worse…adding to my ACOA issues, the traumatic experiences with my boyfriend, and feeling lost & alone and broke…my grandfather died—he shot himself a week ago. I don’t even feel this has hit me yet…I have so much crap in my life—I haven’t had time to process half of it. I don’t know what to do with myself—none of my options/alternatives sound good to me right now…I don’t want to leave the city I am in because my BF is in rehab here and I haven’t talked to him since the police thing…everything is up in the air & I don’t know whats going on…so here I am sitting alone. I don’t know what I am asking for…I just keep thinking “What do I do now?!?” Concerning everything—all aspects of my life.
I’m sorry for the long post—and if you took the time to read it all—thank you! Any support/suggestions are appreciated…
Love Stephanie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Step one is to think about you and not him. He is in treatment, there is nothing you can do about him. Even if he wasn't in treatment, there is nothing you can do about him. Get yourself back into meetings and into whatever program you were working before. Take care of YOU.
Step two is to go out and register with every temp agency you can find to try to get a little money coming in. Also, call all the shelters and other aid groups you can think of to see if you qualify. Check with unemployment - you may be eligible.
Step three is to try to find someplace to live other than where he's coming back to live when he gets out of rehab. You need someplace safe. It sounds like his mom has her head on straight, maybe she'd help you out - you don't mention what your relationship with her is like.
Step four is to accept that he will do with his life what he chooses, and that you will do what you CHOOSE with your life. Figure out what you WANT to do with your life, then how you're going to accomplish it. Do you want to live with someone as toxic and unstable as he is forever? If not, you need to do something about that - and it won't happen by trying to fix him.
These are the steps I would take in your situation. They may or may not apply to you, so please don't take my word as gospel. Take what you need, leave the rest behind. My words are said with the benefit of hindsight. When I was in your position, those words were different.
Step two is to go out and register with every temp agency you can find to try to get a little money coming in. Also, call all the shelters and other aid groups you can think of to see if you qualify. Check with unemployment - you may be eligible.
Step three is to try to find someplace to live other than where he's coming back to live when he gets out of rehab. You need someplace safe. It sounds like his mom has her head on straight, maybe she'd help you out - you don't mention what your relationship with her is like.
Step four is to accept that he will do with his life what he chooses, and that you will do what you CHOOSE with your life. Figure out what you WANT to do with your life, then how you're going to accomplish it. Do you want to live with someone as toxic and unstable as he is forever? If not, you need to do something about that - and it won't happen by trying to fix him.
These are the steps I would take in your situation. They may or may not apply to you, so please don't take my word as gospel. Take what you need, leave the rest behind. My words are said with the benefit of hindsight. When I was in your position, those words were different.
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